Author: Jill
Disclaimer: let me check ... nope, still don't own them. Sigh! I'm not making any
money off this. The song at the end of the story is by Westlife. It's from their
CD "World of Our Own" and it's called, "I wanna grow old with you." And I think
it fits perfectly. Author's note: This part isn't really connected to any of the episodes on the
screen. But I needed to show how Buffy and Angel are dealing with the things that
happened. We'll be staying in Sunnydalw for a while. Just pretend that there's a
break in the Angel-series after "Carpe Noctem".
"What do you think is going on in there?," Dawn asked, frowning slightly when she
cut the cucumber on the kitchen counter.
"Don't ask me," Spike replied. He was sitting on a stool, watching the slayer's
sister, cursing that he wasn't allowed to smoke this very moment. Dammit, he
needed something to do. At least a cigarette in his fingers. He didn't like any
of this. And being with Angelus under the same roof always made him edgy. "I'm
the guy nobody ever asks."
"I don't understand," Dawn said, shoving the cucumber into a large bowl, "why
they called Angel. I mean, sure, she wasn't talking a lot, and seemed kinda ...
out of it, but...," she trailed off, blinking against the tears in her eyes.
"Hey, bit," the vampire stood, and walked over to her. "I'm sure she loves you.
It's not easy to come back from the dead. Believe me." He gave her an encouraging
smile, and nodded slowly, but still averted her gaze.
"But ...," he saw her frown again, and nudged her to encourage her to tell him.
She did, "Why did she want Angel?"
"I wish I knew." Spike sighed, and hated the lie at the same moment. He had a
very good idea why the Slayer wanted Angel. Hearing her chanting his grand-sire's
name like a mantra, when she had hardly said anything else, had cut deep, but it
had shown him what she needed, and it wasn't him. As much as he hated it, it was
Angel. This love-thing was a damn bitch, he thought, wishing for a cigarette
again, but now that he was in it, he couldn't just quit.
Dawn nodded again, started to cut the cheese, she wanted to add to the salad. "Do
you think ... there's something going on we don't know?"
He had always suspected it, but there hadn't been a proof. Still, the Slayer had
been in L.A. time and time again, where she had avoided it before. Not to forget
Angel's constant visits to Sunnydale. Adding the Slayer's recent behaviour the
pieces slowly fell together.
Months ago, he would have loved to brag with his opinion. But not anymore.
Obviously love had made him a real softy. He sighed inwardly. To see her happy,
was suddenly more important than anything. And if that happiness was connected to
an annoying vampire with spiky hair, well, he'd have to accept it. "Maybe
they'll tell us," he said simply, smiling at the girl, "But we'll have to wait."
The teenager looked at him through tearful eyes, then continued preparing their
dinner.
*****
Angel wasn't sure how long he'd stared either at their united hands on Buffy's
abdomen or into her face, but he didn't really care. Had he been shocked by the
news of her return from the dead, he was now stunned by her confession to be
pregnant. And although his mind told him that it couldn't be, his heart knew it
was true. As it also knew that the baby was his.
They broke apart slowly, Buffy going to the window, staring into the darkness,
while Angel found a sport on her bed. "I ... I don't understand any of this,"
Angel said confusion clearly audible in his voice. "Don't understand me wrong,
I'm not sorry, to have you back, but I don't understand it. How is it possible."
Buffy kept staring into the night, and the vampire was about to repeat his
question, when she suddenly spoke. "Magick," she told him. "Willow used magick to
bring me back." She paused for a moment, then added, "From Hell."
He frowned at her back, "But ... but...," he stammered, not understanding.
"Yeah," she said, her voice turning sarcastic, "They actually thought they were
saving me. From a horrible fate. They were my friends and they thought I had been
sucked into a demon's dimension." She turned and looked at him, and he saw the
tears in her eyes.
"Oh, Buffy," he whispered, feeling his own eyes moisten as well. "I'm sorry."
"Are you?," she asked, speaking more to herself, then focussed on him, studying
the expression of his eyes. Finally, she nodded. "Yeah, you are," she said
softly. "You were listening to me that night."
"I was," he replied, "I ... understood you were happy." Suddenly he thought about
something, and added quickly, "Buffy, I had nothing to do with this. If I had
known, I'd never-"
"I know," she interrupted him. "I know," she repeated more softly. "I trust you,
Angel," she came closer to the bed, sat down beside him. Then laughed suddenly,
not a happy sound, "You know what's really funny," she asked. "Spike almost said
the same. Seems the actual dead people do have more sense than the humans." She
slightly shook her head.
"That's because we know how it feels. I woke up in a coffin. I wouldn't like to
repeat it."
"Me neither," she admitted, reaching over, covering his hand with hers, squeezing
it, then she stood again and walked back to the window. Not looking at him, she
said, "They brought me back."
Angel watched her intently, her weary body language, the lines of fatigue he even
saw in her profile, the sadness in her eyes. But he couldn't help his eyes
travelling to her abdomen as well. Their child was growing there. And as much as
he hated the fact that she was hurting, he couldn't help but feel excited as
well.
"I ... I didn't want to come back," she went on, startling him slightly. Her
words cut through him like a knife, but still he didn't say anything, just looked
at her. "I know you had nothing to do with ... this. I felt you understood
everything I said to you in that dream." He saw her taking a deep breath, then
she turned and looked at him, "But I can also feel you're happy that I'm back."
He locked his eyes with hers, "I am," he said quietly.
After a heartbeat she nodded, accepting his answer, then asked, "How can you?
Knowing that I was happy where I was, and that here ... I'm not."
"How can you say that?," he asked, "How can you say you're not happy here?"
"Because I'm not," she replied simply. "I remember how it felt to be there. It
was so peaceful, you can't imagine. I didn't want to leave."
He was off the bed in an instant, no longer able to sit and listen to her,
talking as nothing on earth meant anything to her. As if every second was only
pain. He walked to the other side of her bed, looking at the nothingness in the
mirror, remembered for a moment the way he had seen himself in Pylea. He'd felt
almost light-hearted then. And she went through hell.
Still it didn't change the facts. "You ... you didn't want to come back, although
you knew ...," his voice broke, and only with great difficulty, he managed,
"about ... the baby?"
"Angel," she said softly, coming over to him, putting a hand on his arm, hating
to see him flinch. Slowly she pulled her arm back. "I didn't want *because* of
the baby," she explained, and saw him stiffen. But there was no way she would lie
to him. There was no way she would hide the truth. Not from him. Not from Angel.
"Be honest," she went on, "What kind of future does this baby have? With a Slayer
as a mother and-"
"No, don't say it," he interrupted her harshly, moving away from her towards the
window, needing distance, feeling cold all of a sudden, "You are right," he
managed, "It would be better if another man," he stopped laughed hollowly, "A man
... not a monster ... was the father of this child."
"No," she said then, following him through the room. She wouldn't allow him to
move away from her, distance himself physically and, more important, emotionally.
Not when so much was at stake. Slowly she placed her hands on his broad back,
then wrapped them around him from behind, "It's not what I meant," she said.
"There
wouldn't be anybody else who I wanted as the father of my baby. But the world,
the way it is, won't be kind to our child. This baby will never have a normal
life. I suffered, *we* suffered, still do. I don't want our baby to have this.
All because of us."
"So what do you suppose?," he looked over his shoulder, "Giving the baby up for
adoption?" He had to take a deep breath before he could go on, "Or not to have it
all?"
"I ...," she loosened her arms around him a bit, sighed. "I considered it," she
admitted shamefully. When she felt him withdraw she added quickly, "But only for
a short moment. I could never do it. This is our baby. I could never kill it."
"Although death is so much better than life?," he asked.
The question would have been hurtful if he'd said it in a sarcastic sort of way.
But he didn't. He simply wanted to know.
"I know it sounds ... it doesn't make sense."
"No, it doesn't," he agreed.
She sighed again, let go of him, walked around to face him. "I didn't know I was
pregnant when I jumped. Although I don't know what I would've done if I had
known, if I could have sacrificed Dawn ...," she shook her head, "I honestly
don't know. And anyway. We're talking hypothetically here. As if I had a say in
what happened. I didn't chose to come back. They brought me back. I was no active
part in it."
He looked at her then, nodded, "I know that, Buffy. But if you could have chosen,
you would have stayed, right?"
"Yeah," she admitted. "Given the choice, yeah." She shrugged, "I don't know what
happened. I felt so safe there. All the ugliness was gone." Shaking her head she
turned and stared out of the window, "Compared to where I was this is like hell."
A laugh sounded behind her, but it wasn't a happy sound. "No, it isn't," Angel
said, "Believe me. I know."
"You don't understand-", she started, but he interrupted her harshly.
"I don't understand?," he echoed incredulously. "Buffy, I live with it every day.
I'm a warrior, too. I live with things in my head, you can't even imagine, and by
God, I hope you won't ever have to. It was one of the reasons I left you, because
there's so much ugliness - most of it I've caused myself." He shook his head,
walked away again, "But I live with it. I can do it, because of you, because you
gave me a reason, you gave me your love, and trust, and so many more things I
can't even count." He stopped, looked at her back. "I always thought it was the
same for you, but obviously I was wrong."
"That's not true," she cried, whirling around, she walked towards him, reached
for him and flinched when he evaded her touch. "Angel, I love you. You were
everything to me. And when you left ...," a sob tore from her throat, "something
inside of me broke. And I ... I don't know if it can heal again."
And suddenly he understood, understood what she was trying to tell him, and
everything fell into place. He'd gone through the same thing only months ago, but
he'd been too blind to see she was there now. Buffy had helped him to find his
way back then, and he would be here for her now.
He opened his arms again, and with a little cry she flew into them, holding him
with all her might. "Oh, Angel," she cried, "It's so hard. I had to kill you.
Then you left me. And so many other things just happened because I was the
Slayer. I ... I couldn't let Dawn die too."
"I know," his soothing voice washed over her. "God, I'm sorry, I'm such an
idiot," he said hoarsely.
"It had nothing to do with you," she told him. "This was just about-"
"You, I know," he interrupted, holding her.
"I ... It seemed so useless. Whatever I did, the evil was coming back. And
everything that was good in my life, was taken away from me. One after one. You,
Mom, Dawn ... I couldn't take it anymore. And I don't know if I ... if I can
...," her voice broke and she began to cry again.
"Shhh," he soothed. "I'm here. We're in this together. I will never leave you
again."
"You don't know that," she argued, pulling back from him, turning towards the
window. "You could die tomorrow. The mere thought frightens me to death." She
took a deep breath, "I wish ... I wish I was strong enough to send you away."
God, his heart broke at her words. How could he have missed this? Had he been
so blinded by love to overlook what was happening right before his eyes. Buffy
had lost her hope, her strength, and he hadn't seen it. She had always seemed so
strong. And so he'd assumed there was absolutely nothing that could break her
spirit. But it had been broken, and at the moment he had no idea if it would
come back. Still, he refused to give up. He had managed to get through the mess
with Darla, and he had done it alone. Buffy would never be alone. He would make
sure of it.
"I understand, love," he told her. "I understand."
"I suppose you do," she commented. She combed a hand through her long hair, "God,
I'm tired," she sighed. Instantly arms wrapped around her, pulled her back and
she closed her eyes, letting herself fall against Angel's chest. "Did you know,"
she said then, sighing, "Being with you is the closest thing to heaven."
*****
"Hey, my most favourite girl," Xander strolled into the kitchen grinning at Dawn,
who managed to smile back. "And the bloodsucker is there, too," he tossed at
Spike, who smirked.
Just doing my job, weakling," the vampire snorted.
"Yeah, I remember. Protecting Dawn." Xander sat on a stool at the counter and
began picking cheese from the almost finished salad. "Mmm," he made, chewing
happily. "Where's slaygal?"
"She's talking to Angel," Dawn replied, cutting the tomatoes.
"She ... what?," Xander raised a brow. "Okay, feeling left out here? What is
Angel doing here?"
"Red called him," Spike explained.
"Willow ... called ... Angel?," Xander felt more in the dark than ever. "Okay,
maybe a dumb question. I can see why he should know about the Buffster being back
and all, but why is he *here*?"
"Buffy wanted it," Dawn said simply, hating the envy she felt at those words.
Buffy and Angel shared something. Obviously it went deeper than she had known,
but it wasn't as if they were lovers, was it? Why would Buffy confide in the
vampire and not in her own sister?
"She wanted ... Angel ... to come?," Xander still didn't get it. Well, actually,
he had some ideas, why the vampire might be here, but still ...
"Maybe she needed someone who shares her ... experiences," Willow said from the
doorway, coming into the kitchen as well. "I mean, he was ... is ... dead, too.
He woke up in a coffin. She did as well. Maybe she thinks he can understand
things, we can't."
Spike snorted at the thought, but chose to keep his opinion to himself. They just
didn't get it.
Xander's eyes lit up, "Yeah, that makes sense. But hey, she could've talked to
Spike."
God, the blokes were even more stupid he'd thought them to be. He snorted again,
got up and walking to the door, he shook his head in disbelief. "People, did
something get into your brain?," he said, turning in the doorway, "Why do you
think she wanted him here? She trusts him."
He left then, missing the hurt and incredulous expressions of the three others.
*****
"Willow said she called Giles," Buffy said, leaning her head against Angel's
shoulder. "She said he's on his way."
"That's good," Angel said softly, letting his hand trail up and down her arm.
"Yeah," she let out a long breath. "I miss him. He ... understands."
"He does," the vampire agreed.
"Hmmm," she made, wrapping her arms around his middle, snuggling closer. "I
suppose, we'll have to tell them about the baby. They're going to hate us for
going behind their backs."
"No, they won't," he replied, stretching out on the bed. They were both fully
clothed, but even without clothes they couldn't be more intimately entwined, or
at least not much. "They'll be angry. Cordelia won't talk to me for a while. And
I'm going to have to buy her clothes - again." He chuckled slightly and felt like
the king of the world when she smiled. It wasn't very much as far as smiles went,
but it was a start.
"How far along are you?," he asked suddenly.
A little bit surprised by his question, she looked up, "Around the middle of the
fifth month. It must have happened quite early. But with all the stuff going on,
I never noticed. I suppose because I'm the Slayer, it doesn't really show." She
sighed. "Maybe if I had known - then - things would have been different. But I
don't know." The was an apology in her voice.
"I doesn't matter, love," he said gently. He chuckled again, "It's a little bit
overwhelming, you know. I ... we're going to have a baby. I'm a vampire. I never
thought I could have a baby."
"I'm glad you are here," she said suddenly, "I feel so good with you. You're the
only person who takes me the way I am. I can let go completely when I'm with you.
I told you horrible things just before, and here you are," she looked up at him,
tears in her beautiful eyes, "holding me. Loving me. With you I never need to
pretend."
"Never," he confirmed.
"I don't ever want you to pretend with me. Promise to tell me the truth, whatever
it might be. Don't ever try to hide things from me, because you think I can't
deal with them."
"I promise," he said.
"Good," she nodded, then yawned. "You were wrong, Angel," she said then, trying
to get comfortable at his chest. "You said I was strong. But it's the other way
around. You are."
"No, I-"
"You are," she insisted, yawning again, her eyes closing, "Do you know, how I
know? It it had been you - if you had been the one to die, I wouldn't have been
able to go on. Not after what we shared those last months. But you did. You did
it for me." She yawned for the third time, her voice fading away, he heard her
nevertheless. "You will never know how much that means to me. I love you."
Her even breathing told him she was asleep. He shifted on the bed, held her close
and planted a kiss on her forehead. "I love you, too. And we're in this together.
I'm never going to leave you again. You can count on me," he whispered, closing
his eyes as well.
Another day, without your smile. I wanna grow old with you A thousand miles between us now I wanna grow old with you Things can come and go I wanna grow old with you I wanna grow old with you END
Go to Midnight Secrets
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: B/A (strong in this part!), and the usual pairings from the show
Distribution: my site (http://www.never-ending-love.de), Land of Denial, if you
have any of my stories, take it; anybody else tell me where it goes
Summary: Set directly after "Midnight Sun". As for the actual timeline, it's set
after "After Life". That means before Giles is back. Angel and Buffy talk, while
the others try to understand what's going on. This is set into canon, in an
attempt to make the whole series more B/A-friendly. But don't expect too many
smootchies!
Spoilers: the whole B/A-canon to be sure, follows loosely "Midnight Angel",
"Midnight Whispers", "Midnight Rainbow", "Midnight Hour", "Midnight Memory",
"Midnight Protector", "Midnight Letter", "Midnight Encounters", "Midnight Eyes,
"Midnight Lovers", "Midnight Kiss", "Midnight Song", "Midnight Rose", "Midnight
Velvet", and "Midnight Sun". You should probably read it to understand this. And
you should have seen season 6/3 or at least read the transcripts
(http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de), or you won't know what they're talking about.
Feedback: oh yes, please
Another day just passes by
But now I know, how much it means
For you to stay, right here with me
The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger
But it hurt so bad I can't take it any longer
I wanna die lying in your arms
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna be looking in your eyes
I wanna be there for you, sharing everything you do
I wanna grow old with you
It causes me to wonder how
Our love tonight remains so strong
It makes our risk right all along
The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger
But it hurt so bad I can't take it any longer
I wanna die lying in your arms
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna be looking in your eyes
I wanna be there for you, sharing everything you do
I wanna grow old with you
I know but
Baby I believe
Something's burning strong between us
Makes it clear to me
I wanna die lying in your arms
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna be looking in your eyes
I wanna be there for you, sharing everything you do
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna die lying in your arms
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna be looking in your eyes
I wanna be there for you, sharing everything you do
I wanna grow old with you
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