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Phillip and Aunt Alex go bowling (1987) ~Transcript courtesy of Kali. Alan: “I don’t understand, I thought you were going to drop the investigation?” Phillip: “Well, I was. Or at least I was going to soften it up a lot. Then Skaggs went and printed the wrong article. Or, I should say the right article. Now, I’m not so sure.” Alan: “Well, why not?” Phillip: “Well, because now I feel like I’ve got an obligation to follow it up! Course on the other hand, I don’t want to endanger anybody’s safety.” Alan: “So, it took an attack on Chelsea for you to realize that?” Phillip: “Wait a minute, how’d you know about that?” Alan: “You must have known that I’ve had a close eye on the two of you.” Phillip: “That’s just it, Dad I can’t allow her to get hurt again.” Alan: “Well, the only way to ensure that is to drop the art scam series.” Phillip: “Yeah, okay, and if I do that, these criminals win!” Alan: “For pride’s sake you’d risk more harm to yourself and Chelsea?!” Phillip: “If there was just some way that I could make sure she’d be protected.” Alan: “I don’t see how you can possibly do that.” Phillip: “Well, if I can find a way to make it public knowledge that we’re not working together anymore. That we’re not connected in any way. That might do it. You know, they only went after her to get me.” Alan: “Well, it’s certainly possible. But, have you considered the price?” Phillip: “Sure I have.” Alan: “Phillip, crusading is fine, but, not when it cuts you off from the people who care about you.“ Phillip: “Wait a minute, since when are you such a champion of Chelsea and me?” Alan: “Look, I like her! What’s more important is she cares about you! And I know first hand from experience what it is like to involve yourself in your work to the exclusion of the people who love you. I’ve lost almost everyone.” Phillip: “You know, now you’re starting to sound like her.” {Phillip puts his feet on the coffee table in Alan’s SE office.} Alan: “Take your feet down.” {Phillip does.} “What did she say?” Phillip: “She says I’m obsessed with these articles.” Alan: “She’s absolutely right! You’re just like me. All you do is eat, sleep, and drink work! There‘s no balance in your life.” Phillip: “I’ve got balance.” Alan: “Right, tell me about it. What do you do when you‘re not working?” {Long pause.} Phillip: “Okay, fine! So maybe I don’t have much balance. Is that such a big deal!” Alan: “Only you can answer that.” Phillip: “She says I need to lighten up.” Alan: “She’s absolutely right. And you have the perfect opportunity staring you in the face.” Phillip: “What’s that?” Alan: “The Beausart Ball!” Phillip: “Dad! Give me a break!” Alan: “You talk about your commitment to these young artists. Well, the ball is much safer than what you’ve been doing. Plus, it will bring in some money for their legal defense fund.” Phillip: “I know that, but…” Alan: “But, nothing! Look, it’s the perfect cause AND it will give you a chance to enjoy yourself for a change. Something, I think, you’ve forgotten how to do.” {pause} Phillip: “God, I hate to admit it, but, there’s a possibility you might be right.” Alan: “Mmmm?” {Knocking} Alex: “Anybody home?” Alan: “Alex.” Phillip: “Hi, Aunt Alex.” Alex: “Your secretary was down the hall gossiping, so, I let myself in. I have those papers you wanted, Alan. I hope I’m not interrupting anything personal?” Alan: “Yes, you do.” {Alexandra laughs.} Alan: “Actually, your timing is perfect.” Phillip: “Oh wait a minute, now I haven’t made up my mind.” Alan: “Wait a minute. We’ll let your Aunt Alex make up your mind for you. Phillip is on the verge of volunteering for the Beausart’s Ball AND to give the art scam series a bit of a sabbatical. What do you think?” Alexandra: “There’s no choice at all. Of course, you will work on the ball! Don‘t you think that we could all do with a little bit of fun.” Alan: “Mmm.” Alex: “I mean, for a change!” {Next scene.} Alex: “Well, it will be just like the Beausart Ball’s of the past! Minus the nudity, of course.” Phillip: “Nudity?!!?” Alex: “Well, only partial… from what I understand. We use to cover ourselves… P.. Peo… People would cover themselves with plumes and feathers to be discreet. {Phillip laughs.} Alex: “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could get a fan dancer, Alan?” Alan: “I’ll see what I can do.” Alex: “Of course, all of the artists will be putting on their own skits for entertainment. I can’t wait to see the costumes! What are you going to wear, Alan?” Alan: “I haven’t decided yet. What are you going to wear?” Alex: “You’ll see. Trust that it will be utterly outrageous. Within the bounds of good taste, of course.” Phillip: “All the money for the Ball is going to the artist’s defense league, right?” Alan: “Every cent. As a matter of fact, I was just explaining that to Chelsea. You know, she’s gonna help us out.” Phillip: “Yeah, I heard.” Alex: “You and Chelsea aren’t on the outs, are you?” Phillip: “What is this? The Chelsea Reardon fan club?! We’re not seeing each other right now. Is that okay?!” Alex: “No it’s not, Phillip! She’s perfect for you!” Phillip: “I… I’d really rather not get into it.” Alex: “Well, I’m terribly sorry to hear that. I hope you can work it out.” Alan: “Yeah, Phillip, if you’re game, why don’t you set up a meeting with Jackson Freemont? I know.. I know, you feel the same way about him, I do, but, we agreed he’s the best man for the job.” Phillip: “All right, that’s fine, I‘ll give him a call.” Alan: “Great!” Phillip: “Listen, Dad, thanks a lot. I appreciate it.” Alan: “It was my pleasure.” Phillip: “All right, take care. Bye, Aunt Alex, I‘ll see you later.” Alex: “I’m going.” Alan: “You’re leaving to?” Alex: “Yes. I only stopped by to drop off those papers. All this talk about having fun has given me an idea. There is someone else that I want to see right away.” {Alan laughs.} {Meanwhile, over at :::::sniffle::::: Company} Hawk: “Whoop-de-doo!” Chelsea: “Look! Here’s another hot prospect!” {referring to Jackson Freemont.} Hawk: “You’ve gotta be kidding!” Jackson: “Hi all.” Chelsea: “Hello.” Jackson: “Have you seen Phillip around, lately?” Chelsea: “You’re asking the wrong person.” Roxie: “He was in here earlier. He’ll come back later.” Jackson: “Good, so I’m not late. Um, we‘re meeting to discuss the Beausart Ball.” Chelsea: “Since when is Phillip taking an active interest?” Jackson: “Don’t ask me! All I know is, he called awhile ago and said he wanted to hash out some details. He sounded earnest enough. Something about needing to lighten up, and have fun.” Roxie: “Jackson…. Do you bowl?” Jackson: “I beg your pardon?” {Chelsea and others laugh.} Hawk: “Bowl! You know, you take a round black ball and throw it down a long alley {some more laughter from the Company crew as Hawk demonstrates with a green balloon} just to see if you can knock down some little whatchamacalits down there.” Jackson: “Yeah, right, ten pins. Yeah, I’m familiar with it.” Hawk: “So, can you play or not?” Jackson: “I ask you, do I look like the sort of bloke who’d know how to do that sort of thing?” Hawk: “What’d he say?” Chelsea, Roxie, and Johnny {Imitating Jackson}: “I ask you, do I look…” Hawk: “All right, all right.” {laughter from Chelsea, Roxie, and Johnny.} Jackson: “As it happens, I was regional champion growing up in Brighton.” Hawk: “Yeah?” Johnny: “Well, welcome to the bowling team!” Roxie: “Yeah!” Jackson: “As much as I’d love to, I really got my hands full with this project.” Roxie: “Oh.” Hawk: “What is this Bozo ball? Or whatever the hell everybody’s talking about?” Roxie: “B.. e… a… u… s… Beausart.” Hawk: “That’s what I said!” Jackson: “It’s a charity benefit to help out local artists. Besides that it should be a blast.” Roxie: “Tell you what, Jackson, we will buy tickets to this shindig, IF you bowl on our team.” Hawk: “Hey. Hold..” Jackson: “You drive a hard bargain. All right, it’s a deal.” Various: “Yay! Woo-hoo!” Phillip: “Hey! Everybody!” {a bunch of people talking at once.} Phillip: “Hey!” Chelsea: “Hey.” Phillip: “What’s up?” Chelsea: “Oh, not much. We’re just sitting around here having some fun.” Phillip: “Oh!” Chelsea: “Uh-huh.” Jackson: “We can take that booth over there if you want to get down to work.” Phillip: “All right, that sounds good. Do you want to come sit down with us? I know you’ve been doing a lot of work for this.” Chelsea: “Well, you know, I’d love to, but, my first priority here is defending the family honor.” Phillip: “How’s that?” Chelsea: “Well, haven’t you heard?!” Phillip: “Uh-uh.” Chelsea: “The Shamrock Inn has challenged Company here to an all or nothing bowling match.” Phillip: {surprised, grinning} “Bowling?” Chelsea: “Yeah. You interested?” {Chelsea is leaning back against the bar, while Hawk is leaning forward with his arms on the bar, both hoping Phillip will say yes.} Chelsea: “No, I guess bowling isn’t up your alley.” {Hawk covers his eyes with his St. Patrick’s Day hat in reaction to Chelsea‘s pun.} Phillip: “Ooooh.” Chelsea {giggling}: “That’s so bad. That pun was…” Phillip: “That was awful. But, I’m game!” Chelsea: “Oh, that was even worse!” Phillip: “Actually, I haven’t been bowling in a long time. Sound like it might be… a lot of fun.” Chelsea: “Yeah.” Phillip: “Come on.”
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