Cast: Wayne Brady, Chip Esten, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles, and Drew Carey

Let's Make a Date: Chip = contestant; Wayne = characters from "South Park"; Colin = in a medieval dungeon being tortured for information; Ryan = vulture looking for the ultimate feast
Chip begins the game by saying "Hello" to Bachelor number 1 and asking how he is. And that's as far as Chip gets in terms of asking Wayne his first question. Wayne immediately takes off into several of the South Park characters. Not being a South Park aficionado, I couldn't possibly tell you which characters Wayne portrayed, but I could definitely tell that he was playing several in succession. As Chip says afterwards, "Edgy". Chip made certain he managed to get a question asked before turning the spotlight over to Colin. "Bachelor number 2, I'm really drunk right now. If you were a drink, what kind of drink would you be?" Using the drink idea as his handhold to the quirk, Colin extends his arms above his head, crossed at the wrists as if he were bound and hanging from the wrists. Muttering about wanting a drink, Colin bursts out, "I'm not telling you anything! You're inhuman!" and begins sobbing. If you look over at Ryan, he's already in character and obviously watching the proceedings with interest — even though we have no idea why Ryan would be interested yet. Chip moves on to Bachelor number 3, and in one of those rare coincidences, hits Ryan's quirk smack on with his first question, "If you were in a zoo, what kind of animal would you be? And why?" Ryan is momentarily thrown for a loop and laughs a little at the question's irony, but recovers nicely with "Well, I can't really tell you or that would ruin the whole thing. But I'd love a date with you and I'd just eat you up." True, you can't really tell Chip out right, Ryan, but at this point you haven't done anything that would indicate you're a bird either. Maybe in the next round.

Chip does manage to ask Wayne a question in the second round. Wayne does a few more character voices and then slips into a song. One of the characters in South Park is a singing chef? Or short-order cook? Right? Whoever Wayne was playing, the crowd liked it. Chip: "Bachelor number 2, if we got married, would you like to have a lot of children?" Colin: "You know I can't any more!" Colin slips off the stool to have his bare feet dropped down onto sizzling hot coals — a disturbing image made even more unsettling by Ryan practically salivating at the thought of a Colin meal. Colin manages to make it back to his stool before fainting or dying. Wayne pipes up with the one line from South Park that even non-fans like me can recognize, "Oh my God! They've killed Bachelor number 2!" Ryan delightfully applauds the event and leans over to nibble at Colin's upper arm. "You people can party." — Chip, ... um... just what kind of parties do you like to attend, hmm? Ryan has the social grace to swallow his mouthful of Colin before answering Chip's second question. But he only gets part way through the answer before demonstrating for the first time that he is portraying a bird. Using his long arms to demonstrate a large wingspan, Ryan flaps off his stool (temporarily awakening Colin from his "death" or possibly even hitting him) and soars over to land at Drew's desk. Hungrily eyeing his next meal. Drew's reluctant to play along and tries to buzz the game's ending, but eventually he offers up his hand for Ryan to nibble. Ryan bites, chews, and then spits it out as he walks back to his stool. (During this, we got an unusual view of the left side of Drew's desk. I saw the Sound Effects microphone, a notepad, and a sloping box that looked like it had two switches on it. I can't figure out what the box is. It's not the buzzers because Drew was buzzing the game with his right hand off-camera. Any guesses?)

Chip easily guesses Wayne's quirk. With the "they've killed Bachelor number 2", even I could have guessed that one. Chip got the torture victim part of Colin's quirk, but not the medieval aspect. But Colin didn't really do anything to indicate that, so no fault on Chip's part for missing it. I think that Chip's success in guessing Ryan's quirk was part luck. Chip seemed to have narrowed Ryan down to a large predatory bird of some sort. But the fact that Chip guessed vulture before buzzard or condor or any other kind was probably just chance. Still counts, though. Good guessing, Chip.

Three Headed-Broadway Star: Wayne, Ryan, and Colin sing "Timber" from "Lumberjacks in Love"
The broadcast debut of a game that becomes a staple in the US series. Three Headed-Broadway Star consists of three persons singing a Broadway musical song, often a love song, with each performer singing one word and rotating among the three. The humor arises not only from the ludicrous song topic, but also from the performers' attempts to incorporate the previous person's word into a rational sentence. (Future playings also revealed that it's surprisingly hard for the players to sing just one word at a time.) This playing set a precedent that has yet to be broken: if Colin is one of the singers, expect the unexpected. Drowned trees, crushed people as its reward (Ryan had trouble staying focused at that), swords, everyone loving Steve (Steve? Steve who? — both Ryan and Wayne had focus problems there), and Colin hitting and holding the ending word "Close" while Ryan is trying desperately not to laugh, this game had all the elements that have come to mark a fun game of Three Headed-Broadway Star except for the players' mistakes element. This wasn't the best Three Headed-Broadway Star ever, but it was a fine way to introduce the game to the show. Two comments. Did you catch Ryan commenting that he wished he had a mint just after he walked downstage to join the others? And did you hear him marveling at "it's own reward" as he walked back to the chairs?

Props: Wayne and Colin = 2 large pink plastic stuffed cylinders with a wooden dowel at one end; Chip and Ryan = 2 medium-sized lawn shuttlecocks with bulbs at the head
Wayne and Colin's props seemed very unwieldy. Drew commented that they were heavy as he was handing them out. But even with that obstacle, the guys managed to good and often original ideas for their props. Breast implants, a baboon's butt, Jim Carrey's "Somebody stop me", and a milk churn were good. Pepto Bismal on a stick and Archie Bunker's chair arms (my favorite of Wayne and Colin's) were very clever. Chip and Ryan's ideas were more familiar and consequently less funny. A pimple, CPR paddles, a Madonna burial, and a "get a load of her" eye pop were okay. The Princess Leia hair buns was funny mainly for Ryan's expression when he turned around. Who goosed the princess? The bar banter — Chip: "So, do you come here often?" Ryan (angrily): "NO! I like women!" — makes more sense after you learn that Ryan's Weird Newscasters quirk in the sister episode was that he was desperately trying to quell rumors that he was gay. But if Wayne and Colin had the best prop ideas overall, points to Ryan and Chip for having the single best prop gag. With their props bulb end down on top of their heads, Chip turns to Ryan and says, "Apparently, Horton heard a Who." Any gag incorporating Dr. Suess jokes is a winner in my book.

Sit, Stand, Lie: Wayne has talked her boyfriend, Colin, into coming into Ryan's tattoo parlor
After coming downstage, Ryan quickly claimed the stage left stool for his own. Noticing that Wayne and Colin were debating which one should take the couch, Drew intervened, commenting that it didn't matter which one was lying down. Turns out he was wrong. Drew starts to read the scene description, "The scene is three campers are preparing for bed on the night of a full .... Oh, no. The scene is Wayne has talked her boyfriend, Colin, into coming into Ryan's tattoo parlor." Drew's mistake was amusing, but also puzzling. Why would the card have two different game descriptions on it? I had always assumed that there was one game per card. It has always looked that way. But Drew was clearly reading the second scene from further down the card. And what was it about the first scene description that made Drew realize he was reading the wrong scene? Like I said, puzzling.

We might not have heard the incorrect scene if Colin hadn't incorporated into the skit. Wayne: "See honey? Aren't you glad that we came to this tattoo parlor?" Colin: "I'd rather be camping under a full moon!" Not only was it good for a laugh at Drew's expense, it also established Colin's character as a reluctant participant in the tattoo endeavor. A character point that drives some of the scene's narrative. By the standard's set by previous Sit, Stand, Lie playings, this is a fairly slow moving game. All three, but especially Wayne, seemed to forget that the underlying premise behind Sit, Stand, Lie is the constantly shifting positions. Played to its maximum, Sit, Stand, Lie should be a flurry of position changes like the children's game, Musical Chairs. This time, the players would shift positions and then remain in their new places for a longer than normal time, giving the game a herky-jerky motion. I wouldn't put this playing among the best Sit, Stand, Lie games.

Final comment. Did you notice that the stage right stool was set too far from the couch? The taller men could sit on the stool, lean in and still be part of the scene. But Wayne was nearly falling off the stool trying to sit on it and yet still be a part. He had to lean so far forward that he was almost off the seat. The stool really should have been placed a few more inches closer to the couch in order for the performers to be safely seated and active in the skit.

Greatest Hits: songs of the dentist; Ryan and Colin sell; Chip and Wayne sing
Ryan looked like he thought that Drew had lost his mind when Drew shouted, "Dentist! Sounds like a great one!". Ryan looks over at him and laughingly repeats "Great?" as if to ask, "Are you sure about that?" I wonder what channel I'd have to watch in order to see the nature documentary, "Lippy, the Lemming with the Alternate Lifestyle"? Sounds intriguing to me. Ryan introduces the first song snippet from this three CD set of songs of the dentist. That salsa hit — "Just Say No-vacaine" — with the emphasis on the "No" and a head bob from Colin to help finish the title. The song itself is fairly short. Wayne and Chip each sing a couplet of the stanza and then one refrain. But it was a cute little number, none the less.

Colin introduces the next song by the great Wilson Pickett, "It Has To Come Out". A slightly longer song than the salsa number, what stands out in my mind is Chip's opening line, "My little filling eroded and that he had to pull my bicuspid." I remember it because you don't normally hear the word bicuspid in a song. Even ones about the dentist.

Colin: "That song never fails to bring ... a tear ["tare"] ... to my stomach lining." I think Ryan's fakey laughter was an act to cover up the fact that he started out genuinely laughing to Colin's comment. Then Colin proceeds to introduce a heavy metal song. Colin: "one of my ... well, it's not my favorite, but I like it." Print doesn't do justice to Colin's delivery of "but I like it" which has become one of his phrases that has been etched into my memory. Ryan started laughing when he heard it, and so do I. And I still do. Chip's face at the beginning of "I Ain't Wearing No Braces" is positively manic, very wide-eyed and wild. I know that Chip is USA born and bred, but I do have to wonder if his time in England didn't affect his pronunciations some. The way he pronounced "aluminum" in the line "I don't want 'em / just look at him / he's got his mouth / full of aluminum" sounds like an amalgamation of the British and American pronunciations. Chip's word comes out more like "alum a minny im" — as many syllables as the British pronunciation, but with the "alum" sounding more American than the British.

The heavy metal song is the best of the three songs with both singers really getting into the style vocally, lyrically, and physically. But overall, this playing of Greatest Hits seems to be missing the spark that other playings have and is not especially memorable.

Hoe-down: car salesmen; Chip, Drew, Colin, and Ryan
Chip: "Tulsa, Oklahoma, salute!" Okay, Chip. Tulsa salutes you back, I assume. (I'm not even going to try and guess what was behind that comment at the beginning of his Hoe-down.) Chip may not be as bright a man as I thought. The car salesman had tried to sell Chip a lemon, but he didn't get too far at first. Apparently, the he wore Chip down eventually because when Chip finally bought his Pinto, it didn't have any wheels. One question for you Chip, how did you not notice it was missing wheels? Drew looked at several different car brands before deciding to take the bus because he didn't have any money. A good rhyming Hoe-down from Drew, but not a particularly funny one. Colin sang about a salesman without any ethics who did things no good salesman should. One day, Colin came home early and found him checking under his wife's hood. A very nice and amusing double-entendre. Ryan sang about how German cars cost big bucks especially Porsches unless you're Drew Carey and get it free from Warner Brothers. Ryan's Drew slam was unusually good this time because Drew really did get a free Porsche from Warner Brothers. But what makes Ryan's Hoe-down interesting to me is his second line where Ryan sings about how after looking at the price, he is "full of yucks". As usual, all four repeat Ryan's ending line, "Get it free from Warner Brothers", but before the last note is finished, Colin turns to Ryan and asks, "full of yucks???" Over Drew's "we'll be right back" sign off, you can hear Ryan start teasing Colin about not knowing the phrase "full of yucks". Ryan: "Haven't you ever hear that one??" Apparently, Colin hadn't and come to think of it, neither have I.

Credits: Colin = angry school bus driver
To me, this credits reading is notable mainly because the other three don't say anything to drown out Colin who does his usual good job of incorporating the names into the spiel. Beyond that, I'd just add that there are probably a lot of school bus drivers who wish they could toss a kid or two off the bus the way Colin tossed Wayne off.

Best Game:
Let's Make a Date. There really isn't any doubt in my mind that this was the strongest game of the night. The quirks were interesting and well played with Wayne and especially Ryan playing off of the torture victim to give key clues to their characters. And Chip took the difficult role of contestant and made her interesting as well.

Overall Comments:
This episode marked Chip's broadcast return to WLiiA after a very long absence. (His last UK episode was in 1996.) The only games from Chip's UK days that were played in this episode were Props and Hoe-down. But the newer games didn't seem to faze him. This episode isn't the highest on my replay list, I'll admit. The special magic that is WLiiA isn't quite there. But as an episode that marks Chip's return from the hinterlands, it is certainly worth noting. It is also worth noting that Chip's performance in his return episode was worth noting in and of itself.

© LKK 06/17/01