Cast: Wayne Brady, Jeff Davis, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles, and Drew Carey

Remote Control: chickens; Wayne = South Park; Jeff = TV Evangelist; Colin = Game Show Network; Ryan = The Jerry Springer Show
The return of an old WLiiA game that hasn't been seen since 1995. In Remote Control, each performer represents a particular television show or style of show. The host toggles through the various shows by calling out a performer's name who then acts a little scene in the style of his television show. The game's gimmick is that all four television shows have the same topic. In this playing, the topic is chickens. Drew begins by calling on Wayne who starts talking in a typical South Park voice about how he loves to eat chicken. (I apologize that I'm not positive which character Wayne was portraying because the majority of my South Park knowledge comes from WLiiA.) Ryan as The Jerry Springer Show is next up. Acting as one of the guests, Ryan turns to his "partner" and asks, "So you think it's okay to go out and get laid?" This is one of the few times that the censors chose not to censor the word "laid" although the double entendre was clear. The TV evangelist, Jeff, was next. More of a faith healer than a TV evangelist, Jeff presented a stricken chicken who could no longer fly but if the chicken had enough faith, he would be able to fly. Apparently, the chicken's faith wasn't strong enough. Colin as a game show host admonished his contestant that he forgot to cluck in the form of a question. (Drew interrupts Colin and starts laughing but I'm not sure if it was because of Colin's joke or because of Colin's expression when Drew interrupted him.)

Back to Wayne who advised the children to calm down; there's enough chicken for everyone and then invites the children into school. But the hand puppet starts chanting that the "chicken must die! Chicken must die!" The evangelist asks the viewers to open their books to Chickenmiah Chapter 2 Verse 3. (Jeff nearly loses his self-control at the name he invents but I thought it was worthy of the Bible master himself, Colin.) "And the Lord said unto the chickens of Israel, 'Thou hast befouled the earth.'" Nice, very nice. Drew calls over to Ryan who had been plucking that chicken for two years and his wife didn't even know it. And then Drew calls to Colin who spins the Wheel of Poultry. Back to Ryan for his final thought — a nice long cluck. Once again to Colin for my favorite line of the game, "I'm sorry; the answer was Cluck Gobble. Cluck Gobble, Gone with the Wind." (Drew liked it too.) Finally over to Wayne for a long sequence of ways that he likes to eat chicken. (Including the very odd sounding chicken potpourri. Isn't potpourri what people use to scent a room? It's usually not edible, I believe. ) I think Drew let Wayne continue as long as he did as a challenge to see how many different chicken dishes Wayne could invent. Wayne came up with a good many, but eventually he gave up and switched themes prompting Drew to end the game. All in all, a good game with Jeff and Colin as the standouts in my mind.

Instead of giving points after the game, Drew gave Wayne a $100 bill. According to Wayne, it was real although Ryan claimed it was fake while he was pocketing it. (Ryan gave it back to Wayne, for the record.) Drew didn't explain why Wayne's performance during Remote Control warranted the $100 which was probably because he didn't give Wayne the $100 because of Remote Control. He gave Wayne the $100 after some other game. If you look over the performers' shoulders during Remote Control, you can see the Party Quirks cards sitting on the tables by the chairs. However, the cards aren't there when Drew gives Wayne the money. Wayne earned the money for some other game probably the opening game of the taping although I don't know that for sure.

Let's Make a Date: Jeff = contestant; Wayne = novelty singing bass fish; Colin = temperamental actor having to do take after take of his big kissing scene with Wayne and Ryan; Ryan = assortment of prisoners in a crowded jail cell "welcoming" new arrival Colin
While the cast is reading the quirk cards, Drew explains the game as usual and then goes one step farther adding that he can't wait to see Colin's quirk. "Colin is so happy right now, let me tell you." He's done this before, of course, but it's a habit I wish he'd break. I would much prefer to have my curiosity piqued by the actors' expressions when they read the cards rather than have the host tell me what to expect. It's just a small request, I know, but it's the little things that matter. Jeff begins by saying "hello" to the bachelors. Only Colin and Ryan respond; Wayne is busy getting into position by lying on his side on the stool. Jeff gets as far as "Bachelor Number One" when Wayne faces the camera and starts singing that it's so good to see Jeff and wriggling his legs as tail fins at the end. That sentence doesn't do justice to Wayne's performance. Wayne manages to turn his lips inside out somehow so that they are twice as big as normal. (Wayne has done this once or twice before, and I still don't know how he does it.) His eyes go glassy and unfocused. He sings a nice short four-line ditty all while lying sideways on the stool. It's a very impressive impersonation of the singing fish. And apparently a telepathic fish at that. Jeff: "You answered my question, and I didn't even have to ask it."

Moving on to Colin, Jeff asks Colin where he would take Jeff on their first date. Colin asks Jeff to wait for a moment. Steeling himself, Colin gets off the stool and kneels down by Wayne who is still lying sideways on his stool. Talking to Wayne, Colin says that he knows that others thought it could never happen between them. He knows that others thought it was wrong. Then much to Wayne's surprise, Colin grabs Wayne's head and kisses him. When Colin breaks off the kiss, Wayne is still lying there with a stunned expression on his face. Even with his eyes closed, Wayne looks stunned. Colin stands up and turns his attention to Ryan. Anticipating Colin's next action, Ryan does something that I don't think I have ever seen him do before. He slowly and unobtrusively shakes his head, advising Colin that he does not want to be kissed. I've seen both Ryan and Colin shake their heads to signal the other that he didn't know where to take the scene next. (The Alamo Whose Line is a example.) I've occasionally seen Colin shake his head to warn Ryan not carry through with some action. (Colin as the nudist co-anchor in Weird Newscasters is a good example.) But I've don't recall ever seeing Ryan warn Colin. But Colin wasn't going to be deterred and as soon as Ryan realized that he was going to be kissed, he scrunches up his face looking just like a small child expecting an unwelcome smooch from an overwhelming relative. Ryan's expression doesn't return to normal until after Colin complains about not getting any cooperation and storms off-stage announcing that he will be in his trailer (an excellent clue for Jeff and watch Wayne use the distraction as an opportunity to reposition himself on the stool). Interestingly, throughout the whole exchange, Ryan's body never moves. All of Ryan's responses are confined to his head, which means that if Ryan were actually performing on-stage, the audience would not have been as aware of them as we are watching the close-ups on TV. Jeff finally gains control of the game again and announces that he's not going to pick Bachelor Number Two because he would kiss other men while on their date. Jeff then asks Ryan to answer the same question — where would he take Jeff on their first date?

For the first time, we get to see Ryan's quirk. With Colin gone, Ryan is in something of a bind: how can he "welcome" new arrival Colin when the new arrival has just stormed off the stage? Fortunately for Ryan, Colin returns prompting Ryan's rather relieved comment, "Oh you're back, are you?" Then Ryan proceeds through a series of different personalities each talking to Colin. Using a mirror to look at the gargling Colin, one prisoner announces, "You're a slice of something special." Followed by two stir-crazy prisoners warning Colin. And then ending with a burly prisoner opening his cell door (opening his cell door!?) and leaning over to tell Colin "I enjoyed the kiss". A brief staring contest ensues between the two with Colin the victor as Ryan starts to laugh and covers it by slamming the cell door shut. Colin drops character for a moment, covers his eyes, and looks genuinely embarrassed by his actions. And all of this delight was just within round one.

Starting round two, Jeff comments that Bachelor Number One doesn't seem to talk a lot so what words would he use to woo Jeff with? Again Wayne sings a nice four-line ditty ending with the line, "We could make love, and you could mount me on your wall." I don't think Wayne intended the double entendre on the word "mount". He didn't seem to even realize the double meaning until the audience started snickering. Then Wayne started laughing himself but to cover it he started wriggling his tail fins again. Jeff: "Bachelor Number Two." Watch as Ryan resumes his staring at Colin — partly in character, partly in hopes of staring down Colin if he went to kiss Ryan again, I think. Colin responds to Jeff with "I'm not looking forward to scene 51." Jeff decides to move on. After all, he's already announced that he doesn't want to date Bachelor Number Two. But even though Jeff doesn't ask a question and even though Ryan is challenging him, Colin sighs heavily, grabs Ryan and kisses him. Colin bends down grabs Wayne and kisses him. Ryan stands up and hangs himself; Wayne starts singing again; Colin picks up a phone and calls someone presumably his agent. Drew buzzes the game over. Ryan never gets a second round question, but since he was dead, it didn't really matter anyway. (Right after the buzz, Wayne reaches over and puts his arm around Colin who again seems genuinely embarrassed by himself.)

Before Jeff starts guessing, Drew offers the cast some Altoid mints. Now, I guess we know where Ryan gets that seemingly never-ending supply of mints that he keeps popping before and after the games. Ryan and Wayne both take a mint. Colin stuffs a whole handful in his mouth. Jeff guesses Wayne perfectly and comes within a smidgen of perfection for Colin and Ryan as well. I was very impressed that Jeff guessed Ryan's quirk since Ryan only had the one chance to act it out. After the game Drew gave a $100 bill and a kiss to Colin. (I think Colin is the only cast member that Drew has actually kissed.) And the teasing begins. Ryan states that he thinks the kiss dirtied the money, and Drew starts asking Colin how badly does he want the money. Wayne says that Colin kisses nice — for a dude. (Wayne, just how many dudes have kissed you in the past?) Drew agrees although Ryan didn't think the tongue was necessary. After Drew announces that WLiiA is now the gayest show on television, Ryan, Colin, and Wayne start reminding Drew of their wedding rings. Suddenly Wayne and then Ryan notice that Jeff is not similarly adorned and start pointing him out. In response, Jeff leans over, grabs Colin, and impishly plants a kiss on him leaving Colin shocked, bemused, and slightly blushed as the show breaks for a commercial. It's a very long post-game sequence compared to some but worth every moment and worthy of the game that preceded it.

Sound Effects: Ryan (sound effects by Michelle) = husband; Colin (sound effects by Charlene) = Ryan's heavily pregnant wife who suddenly goes into labor at an amusement park and has to get to the hospital
Fans can be unpredictable creatures as Michelle proved at the beginning of this game. Rather than accepting the traditional introductory hand-shake from the actors, Michelle pulls Colin into a hug, proclaims her victory to the world, and sets off a round of hugs that culminates with Ryan trying to hug an unwilling Colin. Once order is restored to the stage, Drew reads off the character assignments. Watch Ryan's face after he hears that he is to play a husband — his slow smile is a sign that he knows who Colin is going to play. Colin knows it too and doesn't look pleased at playing a woman again although he didn't seem to mind the heavily pregnant description to my surprise. Ryan begins the game at the shooting gallery with a gun that is out of ammunition. I'm sure Ryan intentionally set the women up since he gave no clue as to what he was going to do. But the women caught on quickly and were making sounds when Colin shot off his gun. The first sounds were a little iffy, but the sound that Ryan turned into gum stuck in the gun was good for an amateur. Colin thinks that if they walked around a little, "she" will go into labor. Ryan suggests the roller coaster. Colin agrees; why not try the Big Scream A Whirl A Noise? A fantastic name for a roller coaster that had the entire cast including Ryan laughing. The actors raise the roller coaster car's safety bar with sound provided on cue by Michelle — "cha-chew" — only Ryan turned it into a sneeze. When the actors sat down, the women again got the cue providing click sounds to lock the bar in place. After a short ride to the top, the car loudly comes to a halt. Just in time for Colin's water to break. Fortunately, Ryan brought a bag of medical supplies with him. (An extraordinarily prepared husband, I'd say.) He pulled out a rubber glove and snapped its wristband. The women managed that sound effect, barely. But they were laughing too hard to snap the other wristband. Colin: "You brought the laughing gloves!" Ryan realizes that they need hot water. Suddenly a whoosh of hot water is heard. Ryan and Colin are a little confused as to where the water came from. Ryan thought it was in front of them at first but then realized it came from overhead. Ryan thanked someone up in the sky; I think he thought the water came from a passing cloud and so was thanking God. Colin thought the water was gift from a friendly seagull.

No more time to wonder where the water came from though because the baby was coming right now. Ryan: "I think I see the head!" The women provide screams presumably for Colin since "she" should be in pain right now. Colin had a different interpretation: "Oh, isn't it smart?" Watch Colin's expression as he realizes what he just said. Ryan: "Breathe! Breathe!" And the women cry out in pain again. This time Colin catches on, and it's Ryan who has a different interpretation, "It's the cops!" (The cops, Ryan?) Ryan starts shooting the cops; no cop is going to stop his baby from coming into the world. Colin calms Ryan down; spies a ladder, and suggests that they climb down. Colin blithely pushes the partially birthed baby back up inside him and calmly starts climbing down. Ryan looks away quickly trying unsuccessfully to keep his focus. The other people on stage — Jeff, Wayne, Drew and the women — don't even try and double over laughing. Ryan recovers enough to climb down and join Colin on the ground. The women recover enough to cry out in labor pain again; Ryan tells Colin to back "her" pants back on since everyone is screaming with a baby hanging out of her like that. Interesting medical advice there, Ryan.

Colin decides to fetch a taxi. There's a little confusion over just when and how the taxi should be fetched. Colin tries to whistle for one but before he can get his fingers to his mouth for the whistle, one's already screeched to a halt. Only it goes away for some reason. Then Colin tries again, and another screeches to a halt. Only it goes away too for some reason. Colin announces the he is going to whistle for one. But before he gets a chance to try the third time, another pulls up. A few moments later Colin's whistle is heard. (Watch Colin bob his head to the women in acknowledgement even though the sound was a little late.) Colin climbs inside; a closing door sound is heard. Or maybe it's not a door close, but a cockatoo. Finally both Ryan and Colin are in the taxi. Ryan: "Take us to the hospital, quick!" The taxi takes off and arrives almost immediately. Ryan: "Boy, that was quick." Ryan slams the door shut only to be shot in the process. Ryan: "Someone shot me! Why would anyone shoot me?" Colin: "I don't know!" Colin is concerned about Ryan's welfare, but ever the loving father-to-be, Ryan's thoughts are towards his half-born child, and he reaches up and pushes the not-quite newborn back into his mother ending the game. This was a genuinely funny playing. Watch Jeff mouth "wow" at the end, and listen to Wayne saying "That was amazing" as the women walk back to their seats. The women provided good sounds mostly on cue allowing the guys to concentrate on the scene. This gave them the chance to invent some truly hilarious moments like the Big Scream A Whirl A Noise and the medical miracle of the partially birthed baby. After the game, Drew gave Ryan and Colin $100 each who then preempted Drew by giving the money to "the girls". Drew had obviously planned a special little ceremony for them but the guys' actions saved him $200 since the women already had the money. At that point, Colin wanted to reclaim his money.

Doo-Wop: Wayne, Jeff, and Colin sing about Peggy who died in a taxidermy accident
As Drew makes his final game pronouncement that the song will be about Peggy who died in a freak taxidermy accident, you can hear Jeff say "Oww" at the thought. I agree. Wayne starts the song with a miscue. He comes in too early and backs off to wait for the next stanza. When he finally gets started for real, Wayne explains that Peggy was a leggy woman who died at the age of 65¹. He remembered the day she died. Jeff takes over the story. After Peggy died, Jeff opened her open, reached up inside, and now she sits up on his wall. (Shades of the singing bass from Let's Make a Date.) Colin picks up the tale. Colin: "Oh Peggy. You died so young." I never thought of 65 as "so young" but I guess Colin does. Speaking of Let's Make a Date, inspired no doubt by Ryan's comment, Colin continues, "I didn't have the time to slip you the tongue." (Watch Ryan smile, look over at Drew, and shake his head at that line.) Colin: "Next time you stuff a tiger, make sure that's he's dead." Like Jeff said at the beginning, "oww". Colin then moves out from the center over to the side. If you look closely, you can see that Wayne is directing the stage movement of the three men. Each singer moves to the center for his verse. With a light hand to their back, Wayne guides each man in place during the switches making sure that all three are in place and equidistant from the others. Wayne's actions are most notable when he's placing Colin after Colin's verse. After Colin's verse, they sing a reprise of the refrain. In the background, you can see Ryan pulling out his cheeks imitating Colin. He's obviously sharing a conversation with Drew. We never see Drew but I'm positive he's commenting on the same thing to Ryan. After the game, Drew gives $100 to Jeff. Then Drew compliments Colin on the way his cheeks move when he's signing. Ryan pipes up that Colin's cheeks look even stranger from behind, "They're on the sides of his head." Colin is not impressed with Ryan's comments so Ryan reassures him, "I'm saying it's a gift." Colin looks even less impressed. Drew offers another $100 bill to Colin who refuses. Dejected that no one wants his money any more, Drew throws it to the audience where a young woman catches it. Ryan comments on the audience fighting over the money while Wayne and Jeff react to the woman's victory celebration.

A few more additional comments. Doo-Wop was played once before in Season 3 with Brad, Wayne, and Ryan. That playing was very different from the one we saw here. Obviously, Colin was switched for Ryan. But there were other differences as well. The Doo-Wop in Season 3 was played very much like Motown Group. There were four verses — Wayne opened, then Brad, then Ryan, and then Wayne provided a closing verse in addition to the refrain between verses. The ending verse was not a joke verse. Here, there were only three verses and Colin made the closing verse a joke verse. The Season 3 playing was about truckers — it was a general song about trucking. But this playing had a specific theme: a person who died in a freak accident related to a hobby. Clearly, the game has changed since its debut last season. Based on Ryan's comments about seeing Colin's cheeks from behind, I'd guess that this was the first time Colin had played Doo-Wop. If not, it was a very early playing for him. If Colin had played the game several times before the taping, Ryan would have already seen Colin's cheeks and wouldn't have felt the need to comment on them.

Finally, the giving of the $100 did not occur at the taping as we saw it on the broadcast. Jeff did not receive his $100 after this game although Drew's offer to Colin did occur as we saw. Giving the money to the audience probably did occur as we saw along with Ryan's fighting comment. However, Jeff's and Wayne's reactions did not occur at the time we saw. The clues again are in the Party Quirks cards. The cards are sitting on the tables during the Doo-Wop game. They are not on the tables when Drew gives Jeff the money. They are on the tables during the discussion about Colin's cheeks. They are on the tables when Ryan describes the audience fighting over the money. But they aren't on the tables when Jeff and Wayne point out to the audience. I assume that the editors inserted the sequence about Jeff's money so that each player would earn $100 during the episode; otherwise it would seem as if Jeff had been slighted.

Props: Wayne and Colin = 2 fuzzy red pillows ringed with a feather boa with 6 feather boa streamers coming off the side; Ryan and Drew = 2 foam cylinders consisting of 4 progressively smaller stepped sections
Some new and interesting prop uses from both pairs this time leading to a better than average game overall. Wayne began their set by shaking his pillow near his head crying, "Animal! Animal!" meaning the Muppet character, Animal. I like that one although it took me a moment to understand what Wayne was saying. (I suppose that's appropriate because I rarely understand what Animal is saying either.) Colin explained that Wayne would understand his problem if he examined his sperm under the microscope (a familiar one, true). Another familiar one from Colin — the wrestling belt. But the out of work Dr. Suess character was charming. Placing the pillow on top of his head, Colin proceeded to offer a poem as part of his job interview. "I will work for money. I will work for honey. I will work for you. Doodle loodle doo." (Did anyone else think Colin pronounced Suess with a leading Z instead of an S?) Another familiar one from Colin: "This was a hard stone to pass." Followed by an original one from Wayne. Throwing the pillow into the air and letting it fall, Wayne proclaimed, "the meteor!" Nice.

Ryan and Drew had an entertaining set as well. Ryan as King Kong on the Empire State Building with Drew circling around him in the plane. (When you're watching Colin's microscope joke, keep an ear out for Ryan telling Drew "You do the plane.") Snorkeling underwater. The weightlifting competition at the Olympics with some nice sports commentary from Drew to accompany Ryan's actions. Drew popping his eyes out at Ryan as "she" walks by. In response to Colin's "This was a hard stone to pass", Ryan turns it into the present tense with "This is a hard stone to pass." Finally, Drew wants Ryan to give his Aunt Ethyl a hug, but Ryan is a bit put off by Aunt Ethyl's sagging breasts. As Drew thanks the viewers for watching and says the show will be right back, he spits a few times between the words. I suspect that the snorkeling gag was done just before this announcement, and Drew is spitting out pieces of foam that came off while holding the prop in his mouth.

Credits: all four = telling what they are going to do with their $100 bills
For a change, I could understand what the actors were saying. For whatever reason, the four spoke in turn so that no one was speaking on top of the other. Wayne decided that he would give his $100 to Mark Leveson since he was British and needed the money. Ryan said that he wasn't ever given a bill; he was using one he found in Colin's chair, but he never said what he was going to do with it. Colin was going to give his to the Associate Director in order to get some good shots. Jeff was going to give his to Drew because Drew made them sing a hoedown. Then Jeff realized that giving Drew back his $100 wasn't really an appropriate retribution so he changed to say that he was going to give it to the community. After all, it wasn't easy to sing a hoedown. (Obviously no hoedown was sung in this episode though.) Wayne agreed it wasn't easy. Then Colin said he was going to give his to the hair woman, Rachel. I guess Colin got more money than everyone else because he was the only one to give away two $100 bills. The reading wasn't particularly funny. But at least it was intelligible for once.

Best Game:
Let's Make a Date. Except for Drew announcing that he couldn't wait to see Colin's quirk, this game was pure joy from beginning to end (and the end includes the post-game banter in my mind). All three quirks were fun and well played. Jeff made a nice amusing contestant with the added bonus of being a good guesser. (I'm still impressed that he got Ryan's prison quirk.) Wayne played the singing bass just right without going overboard. Despite his obvious post-game embarassment, Colin did not hold anything back when it came to going through with his quirk. And even though Ryan had the least amount of time to play his quirk, his silent challenges to Colin were both in character for the quirk and for the actor. Loads of fun all around.

Overall Comments:
A strong beginning for Season 4. Every game has its highlights, and most games have many highlights. The surprise return of an old UK game. The fun of Let's Make a Date. The inventiveness in Sound Effects. The humor in Doo-Wop. Even Props was stronger than usual. If this episode is the norm for Season 4, I think there's a strong season ahead.

© LKK (10/07/01)

Footnotes:
¹ A gentle reader corrected me on the Doo-Wop song. Wayne didn't say that Peggy was 65. He said that she was "6 feet 5". That explains his "leggy" comment and Colin's dying young lyric. But it still sounds like Wayne said "65" to me.

© LKK 08/17/02