| When angels cry, can I stand by When stones weep, can my heart sleep Wish I'd never heard Wish I'd never heard Wish I'd never heard The power of a four letter word March 9, 2006 Dear Diary, I started chemo today. I'm doing it on an outpatient basis so I can be there for Carrie during the day, like she's used to. I've always worked at home, because it never did get easier for me to leave her with Giles at the library. Luckily, right after graduation, I had been able to find a small computer company that was so excited to get me, that they didn't care if I worked at home or in Timbuktu, as long as I worked for them. Chris, my boss, was great when I told him about the cancer. He gave me 3 months' leave, as long as I promised to do some work if I had the strength. My job will be there as long as I'm here, he said. I never imagined I could be so tired, though. It's like the chemo isn't just killing the cells, it's killing my very life source. I'm in bed now. I had to call Giles to get Carrie and take her to the library. She can't see me like this. I wish I hadn't forced Xander to go to work today. I need him. March 10, 2006 Dear Diary, No sooner did I finish that entry, than Xander was home. He said he could tell that I needed him, so he came home early and arranged for Carrie to stay with Giles for awhile, until I get my strength back up. I talked with her on the phone last night and again this morning. I think a visit with her is exactly what Giles needs right now. He hasn't been the same since Buffy died, just walking around like he was dead inside, and telling him about my cancer didn’t help things at all. I can't believe how much better I feel now that Xander's here. He knows exactly what I need, whether it's a hug, some sleep, or just a little bit of food. He's so amazingly optimistic that I can't help feeling that maybe he's right, and I will get through this. I'm so much stronger when I have him by my side. He says he feels the same way. April 25, 2006 Dear Diary, Chemo didn't work. I still have cancer. I'm cancerous. Xander keeps telling me to think positive, but it's so hard. Xander was there with me this time at the doctors. He kept saying that there had to be something else we could do. So, I start radiation treatment soon. When? As soon as I decide. Xander keeps pushing me to start tomorrow, but I need time to regroup. What if this doesn't work? I want to spend time with Carrie now, before my energy is depleted again. I hate feeling so tired, so useless. I want to be with my daughter! Is that such a big thing to ask? I want to play with her, like we used to. Now, all I can manage is some small game while sitting down. No running, no going to the park and playing, unless someone is there with a car to bring me home when I get so exhausted, I almost collapse. How much does she understand about what's going on? What do you tell a three-year-old about her mother's possible imminent death? Xander and I told her that Mommy is sick and has to take medicine that makes her very tired. Can she pick up on the tenseness and worry that are in Xander and Giles' faces every time they see me? How much does she truly understand? And how will she take it if something does happen to me? These are questions that I don't even want to think about, but are constantly running through my head. May 11, 2006 Dear Diary, I'm worried about Xander. Sure, he wants to be positive and optimistic about my survival. I understand that. But I think it's gone a little farther than that. I don't think that he can even contemplate the fact that I might not make it. He doesn’t even really talk about cancer with me. I try all the time to get him to talk to me about how scared I am, how scared he is, but he can't. He leaves the room, he changes the subject, he goes to get Carrie. This diary is great, but I need to talk to someone! A person, who can respond to me, and tell me that it's okay to be scared. I need Xander to do that for me, and he can't. It's a weird feeling to not be able to count on him for something, anything, and I don’t like it. May 29, 2006 Dear Diary, Once again, Giles to the rescue. He came over for a visit this morning, and I just lost it. All the frustration and anger and helplessness that has been building for six months finally just came out. He sent Carrie to play with one of her friends next door, and just held me while I cried and screamed out my rage. And when I was done, he didn't condemn me, or tell me I shouldn't feel so negative, he just told me that he understood. And he does. He knows how I feel helpless as the cancer slowly kills my body, just as he felt helpless when the vampire killed Buffy. All these bad things are happening, and we're powerless to stop it. He told me how he's felt these past months, and we cried together. It was nice feeling so close to someone again, but the whole time, I wished it was Xander. Xander hugging me, Xander crying with me, Xander telling me that he'll always be there for me when I need it. I don't understand why Xander just can't be there for me. If Giles can, why can't he? He's my soulmate, my other half, the one who has always understood me in every way. Why can't he understand this? June 13, 2006 Dear Diary, I haven't really talked to Xander in weeks. I don't mean we're silent with each other. No, we talk, but I'd almost rather the silence. Everything we talk about is just inconsequential: what nice weather we're having, Carrie and Giles are so good for each other, what a cute drawing Carrie made! The radiation treatment hurts so bad. I come home from the hospital, and I'm just dead tired and sick for at least two days. Giles usually takes Carrie to her friend Jerrica's house, and he'll take care of me all day. He listens to me complain, he comforts me, he lets me cry, and he just generally does everything I used to be able to count on Xander for. We've gotten so much closer in the past week, it's just amazing. I thought I knew him before, but I learn something new about him everyday. Today, we took Carrie to the zoo, and she just loved it. "Uncle" Giles bought Carrie absolutely everything she wanted, but what's new there? : ) She adored the petting zoo, but her favorite place was the house of birds. She loved the hands on experiences of creating her own bird, and following a path to simulate flying like a bird. The creation of the bird was so cool—she used a computer to choose different aspects of birds, from color, to feathers, to sex, and finally a species name (for which she chose Care-bear *g*). I'm just hoping Giles doesn't give in and actually buy her a bird! It could go either way, though, and her birthday is next week. She has him wrapped around her little finger, and we all know it. It was a great day, but it should have been Xander instead of Giles. June 21, 2006 Dear Diary, Today was Carrie's birthday. I can't believe she's four already! She's getting so big. Because of our zoo visit last week, we had a bird themed party. It was small, of course. Her best friend Jerrica, two of her friends from morning summer camp, Giles, Xander, and myself. I planned it all out so carefully, pretty much threw myself into it completely, because this could be the last birthday I get to spend with her. I know, I know, it sounds morbid, but it's something I have to consider. Because if I do die soon, I need to make all the wonderful memories I can. I want her to remember me, and how much I loved her. I'm trying to stay on the line between showing my love and outright spoiling her, but I don't think I'm doing such a good job at it. Let's put it this way—Giles now half owns a bird with her. : ) It lives at his house, of course. The party started at two, and lasted about an hour and a half. They are only four, much longer and we would have gone insane. I've been trying to rest a lot so I could be as close to my former self as possible. It worked, up to a point. Xander seemed really concerned about how often I had to sit down, but wouldn't say anything. Or maybe couldn't say anything, since it's because of the cancer. I don't think Carrie noticed it much. The moms who came to pick up their kids did, though. Not Jan, Jerrica's mom, but the others kept looking at me, and directed their comments and conversations to Xander only. Hello, people! I'm not dead yet, you know. But the important thing is that Xander and I gave Carrie a great party and a wonderful day, and she had a blast. In all of this, she is what matters most. Not Xander's inability to face reality, not the ignorant old biddies who picked up their kids today. Carrie matters, and the fact that she had a happy birthday is what counts in the long run. July 2, 2006 Dear Diary, The radiation didn't work. I saw the doctor today, and it didn't work. Not at all. The only other recourse, according to Dr. McFarland, is a bone-marrow transplant, and that doesn't have very good odds. So, I made my decision. No more. I'm going to die. That's the constant. The variable is how I do it, and I'm not going to spend my last few weeks or months in the hospital or in so much pain, I would wish I was already dead. I'm going out in style, Willow style, and on my own terms. I told Giles, and he said that he would support me. Now's the hard part. How do I tell my husband and daughter that I'm choosing to not fight to stay with them? |
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