| Only love will matter in the end For woman or for man What's the difference now? Here we live with bottles And needles and truth Here is your living proof That death cannot be proud Some say it's a judgment on us all I can't believe that God would be that small July 3, 2006 Dear Diary, Xander won't talk to me. I told him about my decision, and he just froze. He told me, "It's up to you," in this icy voice I have never, ever heard from him, and he walked away. He doesn't even come into our room anymore. If he sees me, he walks away. Despite all this, he is as wonderful with Carrie was ever. I don't think I've met a more natural father than he is. That's good, because Carrie's going to need him more than ever when I'm gone. July 4, 2006 Dear Diary, I went to see Giles today. After a long overdue and very difficult conversation, I went home and Xander and I had our own fireworks. Finally. Turns out it was just what we needed to get ourselves through this. Willow knocked on Giles' front door before she turned the handle and walked in. He met her in the front hallway. "Hi," Willow said comfortably as she moved past him, "Carrie's at Jerrica's house, so I decided to come for a visit." "Yes. Willow, we need to talk," he said as gently as possible. She froze in the doorway to his kitchen. She had been getting the feeling he had something to say to her for a few days now, but had tried to ignore it. She turned back, a fearful look on her face. "About what?" she asked carefully. He sat down on the couch and gestured for her to do the same. She did, sitting very straight and stiff. He smiled at her. "Willow, please relax. All right?" She nodded and let her breath out. "Right. Relax. That's me, all relax girl. See?" She realized she was babbling, a habit she thought she had broken years ago, and quieted. "Yes, quite." Giles also had a flashback to a sixteen-year-old Willow, and he felt a tinge of sadness. Ten years ago, no one would have been able to guess the sadness that was to come now. His friend's cough brought him back to the present. He had been trying to broach this conversation for a week now, and he still didn't know the best way to say it. "Willow, I consider you to be one of my closest friends. You know that, yes?" At her nod, he continued. "You've allowed me the wonderful pleasure of being a large part of Carrie's life, giving me a relationship with her that I never thought would be possible. "And you've been such a comfort to me since Buffy's death. Which is part of the problem." Willow looked confused, but he didn't give her a chance to speak. "It's a problem in the way that I've been using you, emotionally, as a substitute for her, and I fear you're doing the same to me in regards to Xander. I'm so glad that you know you can depend on me, Willow, but I'm not your husband. You should go to Xander when you need help or when you're sick, not me." At her hurt look, he rushed to explain. "It's not that I don't like you, or our conversations. Oh, blast, I'm not doing this right." He ran his hand through his hair and tried again. "Willow, you need Xander right now. You need to connect with him again, before it's too late." Willow slouched back against the couch. "But he doesn't want me, Giles," she said, struggling not to cry. "He doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, and he hasn't for a long time. You're the only one who understands how I feel," she told him, raising her tear filled eyes to meet his. "Oh, Willow," he sighed. "I am sorry, sweetheart, but this is something that you need to work out with him. Make him see that you need him, and that he does need you, too." He gently wiped away her tears with his thumb. "Don't wait until it's too late. He loves you, Willow. He loves you so much, and that's what is scaring him. He doesn't want to have to say good-bye. Go tell him that you don't want to say good-bye, either. But you need to." He paused. "I'll always regret that I never got to tell Buffy good-bye, or that I loved her, that one last time. I can't let the same happen to you and Xander." Willow closed her eyes, trying to stop her shuddering sobs. She sniffled once, and nodded. "You're right. I know you are. I can't leave without knowing that he does love me," said, her voice breaking. "But what if he doesn't anymore?" "Willow, we both know that he could never stop loving you. Now go to him. I'll call Jerrica's mother and take Carrie home with me today. You just concentrate on getting your marriage back." She nodded, and a weaker version of her old resolve face crossed her face. "Okay. And Giles? Thanks." He hugged her as they stood from the couch. "Anytime, my dear. Good luck." Twenty minutes later, Willow was at home, waiting for Xander to come home from grocery shopping. At least, that's where she thought he was. She hadn't quite heard his mumbled response to her question earlier that morning, and he hadn't given her time to ask again before leaving the house. She curled up in the corner of the living room couch with an old book. Half an hour later, Xander pulled into their driveway. He had indeed gone to the store, but he had stopped at the park before shopping, and had stayed there for most of the morning. He and Willow had spent a lot of time there, both before and after Carrie was born, to relax and unwind. It was always fun acting like a child again, even for an hour, and remembering what they had been like before high school, before everything had changed. Carrying the few bags to the door, he balanced them carefully and let himself in. He hadn't expected anyone to be home, and the sight of his wife curled up with a book, just like old times, threw him. Willow lowered the book when she heard the scrape of the key in the door, and looked at him. "Hi, Xander," she said, trying to smile at him. "Hi," he said shortly, walking into the kitchen to unpack the bags. She followed him and sat at the table. "Get any goodies?" she tried again. He tossed a box of Ho-Hos at her and went on silently putting the groceries away. She waited quietly for him to finish, and then followed him back out into the living room. He sat in the armchair while she chose to sit on the couch. He picked up the remote and then dropped it back onto the coffee table. "Is there a reason you're following me around, Willow?" he asked, irritated. "Yes." "Well, are you going to enlighten me, or are you just going to sit there and stare at me all day?" he snapped. "I went over to Giles' today, and he made me see that there's something I should have done a long time ago. We really need to talk. Xander," she told him. "About what, Willow?" he sighed. "Everything, Xander. About our marriage, about my cancer, and the fact that I'm going to die soon," she said matter of factly. "I don't need this." He jumped up from the chair and made to move from the room, shaking his head, but she was too fast, even in her weakened state. She pushed past the table and grabbed his arm, whipping him around to face her now angry face. "No! Alexander Harris, you are not running from this. Not anymore. Now you are going to sit down and you are going to talk to me!" To make her point clear, she shoved him down onto the couch and stood over him, green eyes blazing. He looked up at her, stunned. He had never seen her this angry before. "There's nothing to talk about, Willow. Yes, you have cancer, and you are choosing to die. What is there to talk about anymore?" he demanded, his own anger rising. "Everything! There is still everything to talk about! I am not choosing to die! Did you think that it was an easy decision for me? Do you think I want to leave my baby girl? Or you? I'm 26 years old! I don't want to die! But all of my choices were second best! There was no best decision. I was going to die painfully, drugged, and in the hospital or I was going to die me. And where the hell were you when I needed you to comfort me and help me? Certainly not here! Where were you, Xander?" "You didn't need me! You were all Miss Self-sufficient!" he slammed back, jumping up to be face to face with her. "You've never needed anyone, Willow, and you know it." "My goddess, Xander, how many years have you known me?" she yelled. "I've always needed you! Ever since we were kids and you would stick up for me! I have never not needed you, and you have never not been there for me until now! And I don't know why. Why couldn't you be here when I needed you?" She had stopped screaming and just looked at him, the tears beginning to stream down her face. "I need you, Xander. I always have," she whispered. "I'm so scared. Please don't leave me when I need you most." Her words finally pierced the wall he had built around himself. "Oh, God, Willow, I'm sorry," he said, sounding tired as he slumped back down onto the couch. "Come here. Please?" he asked, almost pleading, as she stood there. Finally she sat, and he hugged her close, almost crushing her in his need to finally hold her again. "I'm sorry, Will. I just. . .I'm so scared, honey. I don't ever want to lose you. I can't imagine life without you. So I distanced myself, thinking that it would be easier to, I don't know, say good bye now and not later. Just get myself the hell out of the whole situation, so I didn't have to deal with it." He gently pulled her onto his lap, and rocked her slowly as she cried, his own tears now starting to fall. "I never thought about how you would feel. You seemed to be fine with everything, always managing, and it never even occurred to me that you were just as scared of everything as I was." He tilted her head up and smiled shakily at her. "Forgive?" Her tremulous smiled matched his. "Always, Xander. I love you." He leaned in and kissed her. "I love you, too, Willow," he murmured. "Always and forever." July 10, 2006 Dear Diary, I can't believe the world of difference between me and Xander since the fourth. Today, we took Carrie to the zoo. It was just like old times, except I needed to sit down more. Giles comes over everyday to stay with Carrie for even just a short while so Xander and I have time to ourselves. And every time I see him, I can't help but to give him a big bear hug. He didn't just help me get my marriage back, he helped me get my life back. July 12, 2006 Dear Diary, I'm just on a high today! Xander surprised me with a weekend away. Carrie stayed with Giles, and he took me for a ride in the car, not telling me where we were going. And just like that day almost five years ago, he brought me to the cabin in the woods. It was the most perfect two days, even though I missed Carrie. Another fireside picnic, along with other fireside activities. I can't believe how much I've missed Xander, and I can't believe how happy I am since he's been back. Not that he was really gone, it just seemed that way. And I hated every minute of those horrible months. July 17, 2006 Dear Dairy, Xander, Giles and I took Carrie to Disneyland today. We've always meant to do that, and now we know that we're not going to have many other opportunities. She had such a good time, and didn't even bat an eye about the fact that I had to spend all day in a wheelchair. Xander and Giles took so many roles of film, with every possible combination of us. Every day and every thing presents a photo op, according to them. We've amassed a great sum of rolls in the last few weeks: me and Carrie, me and Xander, me and Giles, me, Carrie and Giles, me, Carrie and Xander, me, Xander and Giles, etc. Carrie had the most fun with that last one. She's really gotten the hang of the camera, and I think her pictures come out better than Xander's! July 22, 2006 Dear Diary, I'm dying. I mean, really dying, as in days left. I can tell. I've known for awhile, but now it's clear that I won't last until the end of July. I can feel it, and that scares me so much. Now I really know how Xander felt. How he still feels, I think. He took me to the park today, even though I couldn't do much other than stand by myself. He ended up carrying me over to the swings and pushing me for awhile. I tried to tell him that I knew I was really dying, but don't think he wanted to hear it. Either that, or each of those well-times kisses were completely coincidental. I'm going to go read to Carrie. Ever since the fourth, I've been making Xander take over more and more of her bedtime ritual so it's not as difficult for her to adjust in that one respect when I'm gone, but I still love reading to her. It's one of the things I can still do with her, and I'm just not ready to give it up yet. July 24, 2006 Dear Diary, I can barely hold up this pen. It takes more effort that it should. I just finished reading a story to Carrie-Mrs. Twiggley's Tree. It's her favorite, just like it was mine when I was her age. Xander's reading another story to her now, and then he'll be in. Giles stays here in our guestroom now. In case I stop breathing in the middle of the night, Xander can rush me to the hospital without having to wait for him to come stay with Carrie. Sometimes I think I want it all to be over, because this lingering, knowing it could be the end at any minute, is awful, but I just can't imagine not being here. Not reading a story to Carrie at bedtime, or greeting Xander with a kiss when he comes home from work. Just not being here at all. During the last few months, I've been writing letters to Carrie and Xander. I'll leave them in this diary, and hope that Xander finds them. They're for the special times for Carrie-her 13th birthday, 16th birthday, prom, wedding, birth of first baby, first promotion, and everything in between and after that I should have been able to be a part of. I think I've covered every conceivable momentous occasion possible. For Xander, I have our anniversaries, and a lot of Carrie's occasions. I figure that he'll be needing help on some of them, like "Congratulations now that you can legally drink!" Okay, not really, but I want to share as many things with him as possible in any way that I can. Here he comes now, so, good-bye. Willow closed her worn journal and put it on the bedstand next to her as Xander walked into the room and dropped onto the bed next to her. "Hey, sweetie," he said, kissing her head. "How are you doing?" She smiled weakly. "Been better, Xand. Did Carrie go down easily?" "Oh, a few bribes here, a few more there, and it was as easy as pie," he said, waving his hand through the air. Willow rolled her eyes and he laughed. "So, up for a scintillating night of television viewing?" Willow lifted her shoulders in an approximation of a shrug. "Why not. Ooh, no, let's watch a movie. I'm up for something really, really funny." "Something really, really funny. I can do that. How about something with Jimmy Stewart? You know, and Maureen O'Hara?" "Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation. Sounds good," Willow nodded. "Hey, turn up the radio on your wait out, okay?" "Sure, hon," he said, doing just that. She closed her eyes and let the music wash over her. She could lie there for hours listening because it gave her a feeling of calmness in her otherwise tumultuous world. A few songs later, her husband finally returned. "Sorry, sorry, couldn't find it. Who would have guessed it was where it belonged?" She smiled wanly. "I'm glad you found it. Oh! Xander, I love this song." He didn't hesitate before grasping her hand. "Then I insist we dance, Mrs. Harris." She tried to pull her hand from his, but didn't have the strength. "I don't think I can, Xand. I'm sorry." He was determined to not let her illness stop them. "Nope. Up. I'll help." He gently pulled her to her feet and held her in his arms. She had lost so much weight that he had no problem just pulling her up in his arms and holding her there. Willow didn't even have to worry about not having the strength to stand as he concentrated only on pressing his fragile wife against his body. He followed Willow's example and let the calm rush over him while he rocked them gently to the familiar song. I'm so tired But I can't sleep Standing on the edge of something much too deep Funny how I feel so much But cannot say a word We are screaming inside Oh...but we can't be heard I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories So afraid to love you More afraid to lose Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose But once there was a darkness A deep and endless night Gave me everything you had Oh...you gave me light I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories "I love you, Xander," Willow managed to whisper as Xander felt her slump in his arms. "Will?" he asked, panicked, as he head lolled back. "Willow! Oh, my God, Willow!" He laid her down on the bed and tried to find a pulse. It was there, but weak and thready. "Hang on, baby. Don't leave me, Will." He ran to the door as fast as he could, not wanting to leave her. "Giles! Damn it, come here! GILES!" He raced back to the bed when he heard the older man's footfalls on the stairs, knowing Carrie could sleep through an earthquake. He slid next to his unconscious wife, holding her close. "Will, please, I need you. Don't die on me. Please, you can't." He clutched her body to his as Giles called 911, barking out that they had an emergency. Xander could only focus on his wife while he held her close, as if she could take from him the very life she needed. "Please, Will. I love you. Don't go." |
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