Who's Gurkhan?

You know that silly noise cartoon characters make when they shake their head out of befuddlement? That sound is echoing through my head right now. This was an odd and rather disorienting episode. I'm not sure if I liked it or not...I've got to watch it again to figure it out.

An alternate title for this episode should be The Rainmaker. Anyone who has seen the preview for this episode has seen Gabs declare "I WANT VENGEANCE", followed by a nice little surprised jump from Xena. What you don't see is Xena flinches because she knows they are about to get pelted by a HARD rain...very nifty effect!!

So basically, our travelling foursome (yes, that's four count em, four, Xena, Gabrielle, Eve, and Virgil), are travelling to Gab's home to check in with the folks. It seems Gab's Mom has been accused of being a witch, and was burned at the stake...whoops, no that was Xena's Mom...No, actually, Gab's parents and her brother in law have been murdered by this slave owner named Gurkhan. He has taken Gab's niece, Sarah, to be his slave, and Gab is determined to rescue her and bring Gurk's tyranny to an end. Won't these poor girls learn not to go back to childhood homes; they have yet to see someone with good news.

So they set out by see to travel to some place I can't spell, and the dialogue is established that Gabrielle is going to kick some Gurkhan butt "You're right, Xena, today I'm not an assassin, but tomorrow..." Some interesting talk between Xena and Eve ensues, where Eve tells Xena she inherited her talent to kill in cold blood. Xena confirms, "It's a gift." Somehow, I never considered that a gift! Blue eyes, yes, lethal combat skills, nope.

Now here comes the part, some fans aren't going to like....Xena and Eve muse that despite Gab's anger, she won't have the skill or strength to complete her mission of vengeance. In an effort to save Gab's from suicide, Xena "cures her sea sickness" (yes, it reappears), by giving her a brew that effectively renders her unconscious so Xena and Virgil can get to Gurkhan first.

Virgil doesn't want to go, and I see some definite flashes of Joxer here...but Xena threatens him telling him he will have to wear a garbage can lid on his chest...no, I made that part up...but she does manhandle (tee hee) him, and he becomes "Superlius", the slaver, who arrives at the big auction (Just go with me here...I ain't makin' this up!), to sell his prize, Sophia aka. Xena.

Xena (to Virgil): Make it look good.
Seconds later...still to Virgil: Not that good!

The auctioneer, pleased with Xena's...errrr...Sophia's looks, shows off ALL her assetts while Joxer...er Virgil gets an eyeful, much to Xena's consternation. If looks could kill, Virgil would have died with his eyes still glued to her anatomy in the exact same place Ares seemed to like in Chakram. I'm beginning to think Xena has "Kiss me, I'm Greek" tattooed on her chest the way the guys like to look at it with the open mouthed stare. Seems like Virgil and Ares have something in common too. Note to Virgil...if you don't want to be traumatized for life...the first time you look at a naked girl...don't let it be Xena. Hee hee...his expressions during this scene are priceless!

So Sophia goes to the highest bidder who is, of course, Gurkhan, but this guy is elusive. Xena tells Virgie to find out which one is Gurks and stand behind him to learn something from him during the bidding, but Gurkhan doesn't stand in one place for long. Xena is going to his harem chambers...okay, I don't think the word "harem" is ever used, but that's what it is...and while she's settling in, doing a little "Warrior Princess Therapy", or "Hi, my name is Sophia... who are you, where are you from, why don't you leave"...etc....Gabs is waking up from a long winter's nap (not twenty-five years this time, thank the gods!)

Gabs is peeved that Xena tricked her (can you blame her?), and tells Eve "That peaceful smile isn't going to cut it" when Evie refuses to tell her what Xena is up too. And interesting exchange comes up here that's gonna make a lot of people unhappy, but Virgil says rather casually, as if it was established a long time ago, "I love you", referring to Gabrielle. Now what kind of love is it? The love of two friends, or the love of a man for a woman? Beats me, but I don't like the way it was just left hanging there in the open.

Meanwhile, back at the palace, a blonde is sizing up Gurkhan's newest auction conquests, and of course, she takes an instant dislike of Xena. Why is it so easy to pick out the villains on this show? The blonde tells Xena and the others that she is Gurkhan's number one wife, and no one is going to take her place. Aha! Sounds like a challenge to the Warrior Princess...er Slave Princess. A kick to Xena's face doesn't help the blonde's chances of surviving the episode much, especially when she tells Xena "Bad dog". Good thing Xena lowered her head right then. That's gotta be tough!

Time for another fly in the ointment...The fly is Superlius...aka Virgil. Xena knew she was in a precarious situation, and was being closely watched, especially by wife #1, so her expression was fairly well-guarded when Superlius offers his token gift to Gurkhan, a Greek Amazon princess! Gabrielle's look is half-Bo Derek, half-hula dancer, and all abs of steel. She proceeds to dance for Gurks and his cronies. This is the kind of scene that brings the subtext issue to mind once again, and especially in light of last week's episodes, I was questioning it again. For much of the dance, Gabrielle was behind Xena, and Xena seemed to be watching other's reactions more than Gab's movements, but when Gab was in front of Xena, there was another one of those odd looks in Xena's eyes. It definitely wasn't a look of pleasure, it was more like...and boy is this a weird thought...a mother disapproving of her child's actions! Whoa! Too complex for me! Virgil who is obviously enjoying Gab's dance, catches Xena's displeased gaze at him, and immediately stops enjoying the dance. I'm telling you, Joxer is very much present in him!

Towards the end of the dance, we (we? I sound like a doctor!) catch a glimpse of metal, and suddenly Xena launches herself on top of Gabs, knocking her flat on her face. Gab's gasps "Xena!" and Xena says"I had this under control." Then comes the "trust me" line, and she knocks Gabs out! Whoa again! The amazing thing is, after viewing this again, I don't see how Gabrielle could have seen Xena from the position she was in when she was tackled....she had to just know it was her. Interesting....Anyway, Xena gets a couple of vicious kicks to the head, and passes out on top of Gabrielle...subtexters anyone? There's an image that lingers!

Now up to this point, I was pretty much on top of things, but here's where I get a bit confused. We see Gab's hand pulling a knife concealed in the back of her dress, which Xena grabs from her as soon as she tackles her, but no one else seems to realize Gab's had the knife to begin with. After the commercial break, I expected to see Xena rising up the ranks of the wife heirarchy...(Watch out #1, someone's breathing down your neck....the dance off is coming soon), and meanwhile, I expected Gab's to face the India rubber torture or some similar awful fate for her assassination attempt. That's why I was so discombobulated (ain't that a great word?), when after the commercial, Gab's is blissfully in with the harem while Xena is getting the Tartarus beaten out of her!

Now I've seen Xena beat up. "The Gauntlet" comes to mind immediately. But compared to the way Gurkhan treated her, TG was a makeover gone slightly wrong! Wow, what a makeup job!! Her left eye was totally unrecognizable! Classy guys, those Gurkhan guys...they aim all their blows at Xena's head and upper body. Trust me... you're going to be shocked by this one, if you haven't already seen it! During the beating, you learn they thought Xena was the one with the knife to begin with, and that's why she was being punished...because she was jealous Gab's might become the number one wife... Oooookay. They leave her hanging upside down, with her blood dripping into an ever growing puddle on the floor...that's gotta make that head pound even more!! The whole time I was thinking..."She's letting them do that to her." She didn't fight back a bit. I expect a serious guilt trip on Gabrielle's part very soon.

Now comes the revenge of the subtext, at least for me. In the cell, where Xena is still hanging upside down, barely recognizable (thank the gods they didn't knock out any teeth...that's what told me it was still LL), a man, Gurkhan, begins questioning her. While he is doing so, Gabrielle appears before Xena and continues her dance, for Xena's eye (not eyes, one of them is useless) only. Xena never stops watching her the whole time...hmmmm....I'm watching this scene again...man did she get her ass kicked!! Anyway, Gurkhan asks her why she had a knife, Xena answers to make sure the other wives didn't get the jump on her. She tells him she's there because she wants to be...she wants to be the number one wife. Methinks she'd better clean up first. Gabs is there, (and yes, it's a vision), to remind her why she was going through this. The one word she speaks, "Sarah", who is Lila's daughter, keeps Xena focused enough to answer the questions.

Okay, time for the cartoon head shaking sound effect now, because after she says she wants to be number one, Gurkhan laughs and says, " Let's just start by calling you ...(are you ready for this?) ..... Fatima." Huh? Xena is now Sophia is now Fatima. Perhaps there is some significance of "Fatima" I don't know...someone fill me in if they can! Next scene...subtext still very much present....is of Xena/Sophia/Fatima....okay, I'll just call her Xena for simplicity's sake, is of Xena dragging herself back to the harem, amidst the gasps of the wives. She does that brave "I can walk" Warrior Princess thing...what is it?... "Too tough for my leathers?", and collapses at Gabrielle's feet. Gabrielle scoops her up, and her face looks very much like first season Gabrielle, somehow. Someone asks Gab how Xena is....and with a half smile on a very busted up face, XENA, rather than Gabrielle, answers, "Peachy." Gabrielle presses her face to Xena's as they fade out.

Xena's recooperative powers are very much intact, because in the next scene, she already looks very much improved. She is sitting on a bench, wearing nothing but a towel and a half, revealing a very bruised back and very white breasts. Either Lucy has been working on her tan, or the makeup people decided Xena never skinny dips anymore. Anyway, Xena and Gabrielle discuss their situation, and Xena tells Gab she will get the chance to kill Gurkhan. Gabrielle thanks her, and Xena says, "Don't thank me, just be ready."

Gurkhan makes a surprise appearance to his harem, to pick his dancer for the night, and guess who he chooses? Yep, Fatima. She looks totally healed by now. Now it's Xena's turn to dance. Gabrielle does some interesting paint work on Xena's anatomy (that's from fourth season, isn't it?), and then Xena starts doing her thang. For a lady who's had two babies, Lucy is in incredible shape. There wasn't a body double used for this one, and I will be interested in how the guys of the group compare Gab's and Xena's dancing. They both had different motives and styles, and I'm not sure whose was more effective. Xena's was a little more...direct...but isn't that par for the course?

Now it's time for more Biblical flashbacks. At the conclusion of Xena's dance, she tells Gurkhan, "I have a request." I knew what was coming before he asked what it was. Anyone remember John the Baptist? What was the request of Herodias' daughter after she completed her dance for Herod? She wanted John the Baptist's head on a platter. Guess who's head the Warrior Princess wants on a platter?

Of course, she asks for Sarah's head on a plate. This gets quite a response from everyone...because Sarah has never been revealed. Anyone who has been paying attention has probably figured out that Sarah is number one wife, the blonde who called Xena a dog....(told you she'll regret that!). I'm sure Xena already knew who Sarah was, but from the look on Gabrielle's face, I don't think she knew. Poor Gabs!

Okay, last commercial break, and now Xena is alone with Gurkhan, starting to put the seductive moves on Gurkhan. She tells him "I have an idea," and whispers in his ear. He seems to like this idea, and no wonder, he's about to be in the first menage a tois with Xena and Gabrielle...remember it was the Furies when it was with Ares. Gabrielle enters the room slowly to see Xena straddling Gurkhan who is looking very smug at this point. Then comes the first real glimpse of the Warrior Princess since she took off her leathers in this episode. She sees Gabrielle enter, then turns to Gurkhan with a sneer we all know, and puts the pinch on him, calling him a "dirty bastard". She stands up, hands a knife to Gabrielle, and says, "If you're going to do it, do it now."

Does Gab do it? No, of course not. And Renee does a great job in this scene, and the scenes after it. She is one pissed off "Little One" as Gurkhan calls her.

To make a long story short, I know...too late...Gurkhan will no longer be a threat to the world (he ends up being killed by his own men), Gab and Sarah learn about each other, while Xena looks on in a very powerful scene, and the threesome, Xena, Gabrielle, and Sarah, offer the other wives the chance to take a cruise. They're back on the boat, and for some reason, they don't change clothes, Xena and Gabrielle are still in harem clothes. Sarah is very sad, saying "How could she ever love me again, after what I've become?" referring to her mother. Eve, who is standing next to Gabrielle offers very wise and goose bumpy words, "You don't know mothers very well, do you?" Sarah says, "You don't understand, I've done terrible things, how could I ever be forgiven?" Gabrielle smiles slightly, says "Are you ever in great company?", gives a glimpse to Eve, then one of those long soulful looks at Xena who has been watching. Xena breaks out into a wide smile, which is actually enigmatic if you over-analyze it, which I tend to do. And that's it.

After writing all this, I find I do like the episode, but I wouldn't call it classic Xena. I didn't include everything, of course, including one cute little bit where Xena is talking to one of the wives who is from the land of Chin. She tells Xena she wouldn't have heard of it....oh well, I guess I included it, after all...but there are still some other surprises I left out. Hope you enjoyed reading about it, and all comments and criticisms are welcomed!

And here's what Gary has to say:

This episode,Who's Gurkhan?,was another disappointment,though it had some good visuals. The story line was uneven,and although written by Rob Tapert and directed by Michael Hurst,it fell on its face. First,Gab,Xena,Virgil,and Eve go to Gab's old farmhouse,and meet Lila,who tells them that eight years before,the evil warlord Gurkhan swept thru the region,and kidnapped her daughter,Sarah.Gab's parents and Lila's husband,after selling some of the farm,go to Gurkhan to buy back Sarah. He has them beheaded. Gab,in a real fit of rage,vows to kill him.

Going there,the show detetiorates.Here we see Gab throwing up....she is seasick. Major fault here. We first saw her being seasick in Ulysses,and Xena hadn't taught her how to use a wrist pressure-point to avoid being sick. Xena shows her this later in Lost Mariner...she can even eat raw squid without being sick. She even shows Kraftstar in The Deliverer how to do it,as Xena had taught her. She is not sick even in Tsunami,or even in When in Rome,and any other episodes where she is aboard ship. NOW she is sick......what happened? The idea of vengeance shouldn't bother her;after all,she has killed a lot,especially when she was a real terror with Xena's sword and killed about eight battle-hardened Roman soldiers in The Ides of March.

Also,did anyone notice that Xena,in Heart of Darkness,can't take the pinch off herself? She was able to do this in Sin Trade 2,by twisting her neck,removing the pressure. When she tries to teach Gab how to do it,Gab has a hard time,esp. at the end. Xena cannot remember how to do it herself....Gab can't remember how not to be seasick.

The visuals at the harem scenes were good....there was so much eye-candy,I nearly had a sugar-rush. But,that was mostly it. The girls get to dance before Gurkhan,this mighty brave guy. When he sees a knife,he and his buddies split,and the guards club Xena down. She is then tortured for a long time. The music from The Gauntlet is used here,and Xena looks worse with this beating.She collapses,where in Gauntlet,she stands up.

Miracoulously,she heals so fast,that she can dance for Gurkhan.Gab was confident that Xena could take any punishment in the dungeon.

The ending was a direct rip-off from When in Rome,where the "wrong" person is beheaded. Xena and Gab get not only Sarah,who is the number-one wife,out of the walled city,but get all the other girls out,too----right aboard ship. Note: Gab isn't seasick anymore.

Gab has Gurkhan down by having Xena put the pinch on him,and has a knife at his throat,but she can't kill him,because she says she will be just like him if she does. Instead,she punches him a lot...he can't move. We don't know how Xena gets him switched so that some really inept guards can't tell a big muscular man from a thin blonde female.What kind of army is this? They never even suspected the difference in height or weight,and never look at a face.

Notice: Gab never could kill Callisto when Cal murdered Perdicus. She can't kill Gurkhan when he killed her parents and brother-in-law. But when she learns that Crassus in When in Rome murdered OTHER people,she allowed him to die.I guess she can let people be killed for killing others,not her own family.I believe there should have been a real one-on-one fight with Gab and her sais versus Gurkhan...she was practicing with them on board ship,but smuggles in a knife. Also,Virgil posing as a pirate was totally unbelievable....Gab would have made a better one.

Gab could have gotten her revenge in a fair fight,and not have to worry about being "like him" as a killer.Too bad...it was obvious that it should have happened this way,since RenPics made such a big deal of Gab screaming for revenge and all....wasted.After all,she is a warrior too,now.

Also,a waste of air time was the bidding to find out who Gurkhan was....did anyone really think that this guy would be out in public,being a merciless killer and all? I thought this scene would never end...it wasn't even funny,just boring.

This show really could have shown revenge in a positive sense with Gab confronting Gurkhan and winning a fight,killing him with real justification. The Xena beating was shocking,with all the blood on the floor,but where was the story? We are just seeing beatings,dancing,and a lot of visuals,mostly filler.Too bad for this episode. Let's hope they get back on track at RenPics.

Any comments are welcome

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