Angry with herself and him, she said, "I still love you, you know." "I know," he said giddily. His hair hung loosely in his eyes. They glittered with anticipation and pride. "So you'll be going to LA soon?" she asked. "Yeah. We leave in two weeks," he told her. He frowned momentarily. "I won't be around for a really long time, though." "I know." She mirrored his frown, but then giggled. With her same spunk, she leapt at him and gave him a hug. "But it'll be worth it." She sighed and looked up at the skay. "I can't help but wonder where you are at sometimes..." "Yeah," he said. She leaned over and gave him a last minute hug. Only for him would she get up at 7 AM on a Saturday. They grinned at each other. "So I'll see you again in 6 months. That's not too far away." "No," she said. She laughed. "Plus with all the recording you'll be doing, you'll be too busy to even miss me." "I might manage to find some time," he said with a wink. She giggled, and gave him one last hug. They'd hugged a lot lately, with him going away and all. "See ya, Hanson," she told him, punching him in the arm. He shook his head. "Yeah, Vandelle. Later," he said with a smile as he crawled into the van. She helped Mrs. Hanson load the last of the kids in after him. The woman and girl embraced, and Mrs. H climbed into the front seat. "Good-bye, Lettie," she said with a wistful tear in her eyes. She waved, and the van began to roll out of the driveway. As it pulled out into the road and drove away, Colette ran out into the street behind it, waving. And then, she was alone. A chilly wind made her hug herself into a tighter ball. "I've missed you, like I said, despite your sour humour. I still don't understand. I didn't then, really, either," she informed him. She sighed. Is he even listening to me? "Oh, fine." She had never really gotten back to the Hanson's after the Middle of Nowhere tour. They did interviews most of the time and had started recording again. When they had been home for Christmas, she'd been in Wisconsin with her grandmother. When she'd gotten back, Zac announced that they were moving to Glenpool. She'd frowned, but he told her over the phone that they'd get to spend summer break together. However, Albertane had been all during the summer. She'd been disappointed, but had been glad for all of them. Really. Now, she had a free Saturday, and had called earlier to see if it was okay if she came over. Zac had seemed a little less than enthusiastic, but she figured he was exhausted from the manic schedule he had to follow. "He's in his room," he said, waving towards the staircase. "Third door on the left. At the end of the hall." "Thanks," she said, already zipping up the stairs. "Was I stupid, or what?" "Fine." "Was it fun?" she pressed. He shrugged. She stared for a while at his profile. He was glaring moodily off in the other direction. "Zac?" she asked. He just sat there. "You are really Zac aren't you?" He narrowed his eyes at her. "Don't be stupid, Let. Of course it's me." She sighed. "I don't believe it. You are not the Zac Hanson who left for LA not so long ago." "It was 2 years, Colette," Zac reminded her. "Exactly. Not so long ago. Zac was exciting, and funny, and nice, and...get this, Zac Hanson was my best friend." Zac jumped up off the bed. "Christ, Colette, what is wrong with you?" "That's what I'd like to know. What really is wrong with me, Zac? Can you tell me. 'Cos I'd sure as heck like to know why you've avoided me like the plague ever since you came back from the Middle of Nowhere tour. Because when you left, I was just fine for you...or maybe it was just someone who resembled you. I never can tell, you know, because...there's something wrong with me, right?" Colette stared up at him calmly from her spot on his bed. He was angry with her for making a point. Angry with her for being right. Angry with her for telling him that he wasn't being Zac. "I'll tell you what is wrong with you," he growled. Colette stared up at him in all her surly, enraged glory. Her jaw was set in fury, and her short hair was starting to get waves in it from the sweat pouring down her face. It was apparent that he meant a lot to her. She griped him because he was important to her. He smiled softly, and said, "Nothing. You're absolutely perfect for Colette Vandelle." She raised an eyebrow. What was he pulling? Then, she saw the mischievous look on his face, and she cracked up. And seeing her laugh...it made Zac laugh, too. Pause. She sat up and pulled her knees to her chest. "And that was what was wrong with me," she said. "I was too stupid to realize what you did want...and that it wasn't me." So when she sat there, and he was saying nothing again, she was upset. "You're doing it again," she grumbled. "Doing what?" he snapped. Colette sighed, and looked over at the recliner next to the couch. "Look at poor Ike. I mean, he's so exhausted, Zac. And what about Tay? He must have lost 20 pounds." "Tay's fine, Let," he hissed. "And Ike was out at a party last night." Colette rolled her eyes. "What about your mom? She used to look like a teenager. She's starting to show her age, Zac," she told him. "And so is your dad. He looked like a fairly young man up until recently." "Well it's about time. You'd think that with 7 kids they would have started to run down years ago," he clipped. "And the kids? Jessie is unhappy. I mean, the pre-teens are bad enough without having to live on a tour bus 10 months out of the year. And Avie thinks that every kid has famous big brothers. She's turning into sort of a snob, if you haven't noticed," she informed him. She knew that he knew she was right. But he wouldn't admit it. "What? Are you telling me my family is disfunctional?" he shouted, causing Isaac to stir. "No," she said angrily, but in a softer voice. "What I'm saying is that maybe you should take a break. Your family is going nuts." He blinked at her, unnerved. "And Zac, you've changed more than any of them. You...you're..." She sighed, and looked at him sadly. "I'm what?" he wanted to know. He stood rigid like a wall of ice. "You're indifferent to it all." He stood there. "You don't love anything, and you don't hate anything. You seem impassive to the world. Like it's just a giant audience, and all you've got to do is sell your albums to them." She glanced him over, seeing if she'd gotten any kind of response. She hadn't. "You want to know the worst part of it, Zac? You're indifferent to people who love you Zac. You're indifferent to your parents, and your brothers, and your sisters...and you're indifferent to me. And I'd rather you say you hate me than to go on ignoring me." She looked at Isaac, who'd rolled away from them. Her eyes filmed with tears. Zac watched her curiously. "What are you saying?" Unmoving she replied, "I'm saying that I want something that I can't have." "What's that?" "The old Zac back." He didn't say anything. She closed her eyes, and listened to his rhythmic breathing. "What do you want that you can't have, Zac?" He just looked around. "Immortality." Colette's dark eyes flew open, and stared at him quizzically. "Please say you're kidding me, Zac. Please say it's a joke." He smiled. "I want to be a legend...a hero...and live forever." Her face completely drained of colour. "Oh...my..." Slowly her eyes opened, and she looked at him. He never changed. Never. Not even for her. She stood up and sighed. "Look at what I have left of you, Zac. Look." She was looking. He might be, but she didn't know...and never would. No doubt he was burning in hell. But he probably had been long before he'd actually taken his life. He was dead before his last breath came. It had all come when the superstardom had gone to his head. She kissed the rose, leaving a burgundy stain on its frothy white petals. She laid it on the grave. Reading the marker, she sighed. Where had her Zac gone? Where was he? She remembered him the way he had been, so long before. And she knew then where he was. He was 10 years old and happy and funny and nice and her best friend...and in her heart. It was the only place Zac would ever be. Fans would forget, his parents would grieve and remember their son forever, and his brothers and sisters would remember what a great brother he'd made. But to her? "Zac, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I don't know if it would have mattered..." To her...he was the legendary Zac Hanson, the kid with the golden hair and the love for twinkies. The kid who got excited about his music, and could still beat her upon occassion at basketball. To her, he'd achieved immortality when she first looked in his eyes.
you are listening to "china" by tori amos. excerpt:
"That's so great!" she exclaimed. Her brown eyes twinkled at him, threatening to spill happy tears at any moment.
"I've been doing okay," she told him, laying down by him on the ground. It was cold and damp, but she really didn't mind...or notice. "I've missed you like mad."
"So this is it?" she asked, brushing a piece of dark hair from her eyes.
"I don't know why I even came anymore after that," she rambled. "You'd practically stopped talking to me before, and I really shouldn't expect you to say anything now."
The door swung open wide. Taylor stood in the door, taller, thinner, and slightly more peaked than she remembered. However, he managed to flash her a bright smile, and say, "Well, lookit what the cat drug in. How ya been Lettie?"
"I should have known then," she mumbled to herself. "But nooo, I had to be stubborn and convince myself that you still wanted to see me." She studied him for a moment.
"How was touring?" she asked.
"I didn't know at the time what you wanted," she told him. "And I certainly didn't know that once you'd realized what you'd done you'd completely cut me off from you."
A week later, she'd begged her mom to take her back to the Hansons. It was worth the 20 minute drive to see Zac, she decided. Last week, they'd made a breakthrough, and had actually laughed. They'd played a bit of basketball, and she won. She had teased him - what had once been an evenly matched game was now completely one-sided because he was so out of shape.
"God." She said it flatly. "You wanted to be God, and I hated you for it."
[Sometimes I think you want me to touch you, How can I when you build a great WALL around you, In your eyes I saw a future together, You just look away in the distance, Sometimes I think you want me to touch you, How can I when you build a great WALL around you, In your eyes I saw a future together, You just look away in the distance...China all the way to New York, Maybe you got lost in Mexico, You're right next to me, I think that you can hear me, Funny how the distance learns to grow, Sometimes I think you want me to touch you, How can I when you build a great WALL around you, I can feel the distance, I can feel the distance, I can feel the distance getting close]