The first thing I noticed was that the cross on the envelope isn't just any cross. No. It's a Bible Faith Cross. I hear those are pretty rare. That's amazing. How'd they get their hands on one of those. I'm so glad they're willing to share its power. Wait. What's this? They want to give it to me? For free? Holy shit! That's so awesome!
But that's not all! Nope, I also get a free 224-page book on prosperity! Damn, that's a lot of pages. All about prosperity, huh? At this point, I'm wondering what kind of powers will this Bible Faith Cross give me? Laser vision? Infinite health? Heal Light Wounds? Who are these amazing people, anyway? How did they know to contact me? There's just a slew of questions I have. I guess I'll have to keep reading.
Ok, so someone connected with this address needs God's help. Huh. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed. After the great envelope and the promise of a free Bible Faith Cross and the 224-page book on prosperity, I was feeling pretty special. But now, I dunno. What if it's not for me? What if it's for the kitties, or the weird guy next door. It is an apartment complex, after all. Maybe it's for the landlord. What should I do? It's a federal offense to open someone else's mail. Could it be me? God, I hope so.
So, I guess the mysterious people who sent this letter to me have been around a long time. Half a century, even. That's impressive. I can't think of any religion or denomination that old! And they want to help me, if I let them. Gosh. It's so nice when strangers are there to help out. My faith in them has been restored.
It says they prayed over every word in the letter. Wow. That must have taken at least a month. Do they do this for everyone? Wait. Hold on. I'm confused. It says her the cross is a "metagolden, metal 'Prosperity Cross'". I thought it was a Bible Faith Cross. Or does it double as a Prosperity Cross, too? Is it like a Transformer cross? I can't wait to find out. Looks like they prayed over the cross, too. Goddamn, this is a sweetass deal! And look! A lifetime guarantee! They'll replace it if I lose it! Hold on. It says it's for certain people. Do I qualify? Let's see... Baptist, no, Methodist, no, Pentacostal, no, Catholic, not really. Oh, here it is - "and others". Good thing they threw that in. I was gonna have a big problem if they didn't.
Ok, there's a bunch more of the same, so let's go on to the next page.
