College Quotes II

Obviously, this is a continuation of my College Quotes page. That page was getting sort of long, so the new college quotes are here. Again, this page is never meant to be derogatory.

The "you just had to be there" concept may apply to these. (The fun part is trying to imagine under what circumstances some of the weirder ones might have been said!) Sorry about the quotes that aren't credited. I don't know the names of some people.

14th grade:

• "Don't you hate it when people change their name from Joel to Santos? That happens like every other week." --Jeremiah H., 8-22-01
• "Oh wait! That's right! One of the Germans stole your soul!" --Tom P., 8-28-01
• "Don't be flattered; I'm just going to use our friendship to get lasagna." --Helen L., 8-30-01
• "It does suck when there's dead animals on the road just there for everyone to see." --Stephen W., 8-31-01
• "I actually find this document quite humorous at times...but perhaps that's just my dementia after 5 years of graduate school." --Ms. Mogg, 9-10-01
• "Oh, Jim does that...!...but he's not a dog." --Helen L., 9-12-01
• "Hey Otto, what's going on? I happened to notice you just shoved an entire tree through the front door of your house." --Dr. Patterson, 9-13-01
• "Hey, my head's gone! I have a neck now. Next it's going to be my shoulders." --Susan L., 9-13-01 (one minute later) "Ooh...my head's back."
• "A pen! No, a pencil. No, wait, I'm confused." --Helen L., 9-15-01
• "If you turn in something that's longer than a sentence, you'll get a zero." --Dr. Donnelly, 9-19-01 (on our one-sentence-long assignment)
• "His assistants became worried when they found him having a shouting match with an oak tree and apparently losing. He required 11 years of schooling before he learned to read...and he never did master spelling and writing." --Dr. Patterson, 9-20-01 (on King George III)
• "When the lieutenant governor came home, he rounded the corner, and there was a vacant lot where his house used to be. And all his neighbors seemed to have new additions on theirs." --Dr. Patterson, 9-20-01 (on the "riots" by the Sons of Liberty)
• "All the other tax collectors said, 'Ooh, I don't look good in feathers. I think I'll resign.'" --Dr. Patterson, 9-20-01
• "Gimme a machine gun, stat!" --Helen L., 9-21-01 (after realizing my paper cutout self is losing its paper hair)
• "It's a conspiracy! They're trying to keep Spanish-speaking people out of heaven!" --Tony K., 9-21-01
• "He's the complete opposite of me. I'm not shy, and I'm not little." --Jacob H., 9-22-01
• "I wrote a list of everything they told me not to eat when I had braces, and every time I ate it, I'd check it off. I wanted to be bad." --Andrew C., 9-22-01
• "Not that I'd encourage you guys on how to commit crimes, but you just don't keep records when you're doing something illegal." --Ms. Mogg, 10-8-01
• "You could put anything there! I could write, 'A wedge...pizza!' Right? That's pepperoni." --Dr. Nelson, 10-9-01
• "So I need to derive 'A v B' from this. How can I do that? (booms) I changed...my voice!" --Dr. Nelson, 10-9-01
• "I'm not going to trick you. I'm not going to say, 'Oh, I meant "or" in a different sense! Nyah-nyah!" --Dr. Nelson, 10-9-01
• "And then Jefferson says, 'Ah, hell to my principles,' and he buys that chunk of land." --Dr. Patterson, 10-9-01
• "And Adams lays the papers on the desk. 'This will give Jefferson a good twist, hee hee hee!'" --Dr. Patterson, 10-9-01
• "I mean, we're all like cheerleaders for democracy, right? Go, democracy, go!" --Ms. Mogg, 10-10-01
• "As I confessed to you last time, when I made the syllabus, I just took an old one and deleted the course numbers and dates. So here I planned a spring break for us in the fall. This works out well for us, since we're at least a day behind, and I set aside 2 days for this imaginary spring break. So we come out a day ahead." --Dr. Patterson, 10-11-01
• "So Jefferson decides not to seek a third term, and the people say, 'Well, okay, Tom.' (pause) I can't wait to find out what happens next." --Dr. Patterson, 10-11-01
• "Then, we get a good idea. Those Canadians don't want to be British citizens; they want to be another America! So we went up there to get them to rise up and join us in the fight against the British. Well, they rose up, all right. They rose up, kicked our butts, and chased us back down south of the border. So then we get a great idea! We went up to Canada to get them to join our side. They rose up, kicked our butts, and chased us back down. Then, we get a really great idea! We go up to the Canadians; they rose up, kicked our butts, chased us back down, and this time, they take over Detroit, Michigan, as sort of a spoils-of-war." --Dr. Patterson, 10-11-01
• "We're such an open nation. We'll spill our guts the first time somebody sticks a microphone in our faces." --Dr. Patterson, 10-11-01
• "And the most important of these canals was the Erie, not because it was kinda freaky or anything, but because it led to the Erie lake." --Dr. Patterson, 10-11-01
• "I just wanna perish in heavy, heavy metal." --Helen L., 10-13-01 (while half-asleep)
• "Mmm...graduated cylinder..." --Helen L., 10-14-01
• "Hey! Stop killing the things I love!" --Helen L., 10-15-01
• "What's the greater good, rather than my own micro-good?" --Dr. Patterson, 10-16-01 (The macro-good, perhaps?)
• "I just know that if there's ever a situation where alcohol is needed between me or a moose, I'm going to need the alcohol...not the moose. I just know this is going to make it into my teacher evaluation." --Ms. Mogg, 10-17-01
• "Moisture...moisture..." --Helen's mom, 10-20-01
• "I like the way 'trigamy' sounds. It sounds like a math term. 'Hey, have you learned trigamy yet?'" --Andrew C., 10-20-01
• "Maybe we should start each class with a chant. Or sing it in the shower: 'Disjunctive argument, modus tollens...' Make a rhyme or something." --Dr. Nelson, 10-23-01
• "Slow down, switch off dyslexia, and look at it carefully." --Dr. Nelson, 10-23-01
• "There's a bar in Washington where all the bigshots go. It's a great bar...buffalo wings...four kinds of beer...lots of wine...but the best thing about it is the most beautiful waitress in the world works there." --Dr. Patterson, 10-23-01
• "And so the Supreme Court judge would say, 'Say Peggy, why don't you come to my quarters after you finish up at work, and I'll show you my briefs?'" --Dr. Patterson, 10-23-01
• "And so shapes have a certain emotional feeling, if you will." --Dr. Donnelly, 10-24-01
• "He got the nickname 'Old Hickory' for his broom-like activities." --Dr. Patterson, 10-25-01 (On Andrew Jackson)
• "Are we plugged in? No. Step number one: plug in." --Ms. Valls, 10-26-01
• "They're coming to take me away ha ha hee hee!" --Jeremiah H., 10-26-01
• "Man, Helen. How manipulative. How deceitful...I LOVE IT!!!!! Man, you are evil. I knew I liked you for a reason!!" --Jeremiah H., 10-26-01
• "Day-vid wahnts yoo to tahke ze cal-que-laytor bahck to eem. Zuddenly I ahm Frensh for no reasohn." --Jeremiah H., 10-28-01
• "Oh my God! This is like the highest grade I've made since...5th grade!" --Amy B., 10-30-01
• "And so the slaves ate pork and corn, pork and corn, pork and corn, and sometimes, for a little variety, they'd get corn and pork." --Dr. Patterson, 10-30-01
• "If you can't get your hips up...for some reason...just try your best." --Ms. Valls, 10-31-01
• "The eyelashes are right on that top third line. And this happens to be a commercial for eyelashes. If you're trying to sell eyelashes, you'll want to draw attention to it. Uh. Not eyelashes. Uh...makeup...mascara...that's it. Thank you." --Dr. Donnelly, 10-31-01 (It wasn't a commerical, either...it was a magazine ad.)
• "Remember, these papers are written to convince everybody the Constitution is a groovy thing!" --Ms. Mogg, 10-31-01
• "I got this out of the trash. My friend was throwing it away. 'Don't throw that away! It's a betacam tape!'" --Dr. Donnelly, 11-2-01
• "The people who buy books...do they really read them?" --Helen's dad, 11-3-01 (uncertain about the role Waldenbooks customers play in American consumerism)
• "I'll always think of this as the pen I had for only five minutes." --Susan L., 11-7-01
• "Just imagine that everything in the world has a name. Somebody went around, giving everything a name. They're always one step ahead of you. By the time you get there, everything's been named." --Dr. Nelson, 11-8-01 (Strange concept, eh?)
• "It's important that all of you notice that I've changed symbolization schemes just to confuse you." --Dr. Nelson, 11-8-01
• "Me no Alamo! Me no Goliad! Me no care! BLAM!"--Dr. Patterson, 11-8-01
• "Yeah, Texas! You could be like...the Canada of the South!" --Dr. Patterson, 11-8-01
• "Squish this, manager-boy!" --Elizabeth S., 11-8-01
• "Eating! Oooo...I sometimes do that!" --Susan L., 11-9-01 (Home isn't where the heart is...home is where they don't feed you.)
• "New...use...for...book--crutch!" --Susan L., 11-11-01
• "She never minds. She's so nice! She's gonna get a present one day...!" --Susan L., 11-13-01 (Susan insists that this doesn't sound like a threat.)
• "This is PBS, but that looks like a commercial to me. And that's a commercial, too! I guess it's Viewers Like You and advertisements as well." --Dr. Donnelly, 11-16-01
• "Even if you're sick, you have to call and pay your respects to your teacher because that's why you come to school." --substitute teacher at Chinese school, 11-17-01
• "I WANNA GO POTTY!" --David V., 11-17-01
• "The other day...well, it was six months ago...uh...well, the point is..." --Ms. Mogg, 11-19-01
• "There is probably a good answer to the question, but Madison and Hamilton are both dead and who knows what that is!" --Ms. Mogg, 11-19-01
• "If this is a cow, it moos. Bad example. We don't have a cow in here. Imagine I'm a cow. I'm a cow. Moo. Heh." --Dr. Nelson, 11-20-01
• "So! We're all Lins, huh?" --Helen L., 11-20-01
• "I've been enjoying my campus a lot more this year, most likely in ways which were never intended by the school administration." --Helen L., 11-21-01
• "It's like I've got some crazy board meeting going on in my head!" --Helen L., 11-22-01
• "When I was at Shelby's house, her mother tried to force cookies down my throat, too." --Susan L., 11-24-01 (Just another day in the life of my sister.)
• "We assume when we're driving that the opposing traffic is going to stay on the other side of the road." --Ms. Mogg, 11-26-01 (Actually, I worry about it all the time.)
• "Of course, if you were going to try and kill yourself with cotton candy, that wouldn't be a very good idea. BAM! BAM! BAM! Why won't I die?!" --Susan L., 11-26-01 (Picture her making stabbing motions at her heart while she's saying the BAM part, and you'll get the picture.)
• "It isn't unusual at the University of Houston for them to turn on the air conditioner in the winter and the heater in the summer. I don't know if they do it at other places, but they do it here." --Ms. Mogg, 11-28-01
• "I spent all day on it, and I got a 73! Of course, that was because I was making stuff up, but I sounded intelligent." --Susan L., 11-28-01
• "Thank you so much cool poem/word analyzer person!" --Brad S., 11-28-01 (This is the nicest thing he's ever said to me.)
• "I wear pants most of the time." --Gabriel S., 11-28-01
• "It was like eating ice cream with my feet!" --Helen L., 11-28-01
• "He made his passion for vegetarianism an issue for the election. So the people reluctantly vote for four more years of scandal because Grant, at least, knew how to eat a hamburger." --Dr. Patterson, 11-29-01 (on Horace Greeley, Ulysses Grant's opponent in the 1872 election.)
• "Coming through, coming through! Incriminating evidence!" --Susan L., 12-1-01
• "It may not be especially good, but it's a good thing to put in your mouth." --Helen L., 12-3-01 (What was I talking about?!)
• "I had this steward once on an airplane; he really wanted me to have an omelet." --Helen L., 12-5-01
• "Would you want a friend to shove a sweaty foot down your throat, then shove you inside a smelly shoe?" --Helen L., 12-5-01 (on being friends with socks if they had souls)
• "That Calhoun was one wunky gentleman!" --Helen L., 12-5-01
• "Once my mom bought me a beret. She said, 'Here, you can be Monica Lewinsky!'" --Helen L., 12-5-01 (My mom returned the beret shortly afterwards.)
• "I no longer have streams of thought. The ocean that was once my consciousness has dwindled into a shady spot under a tree." --Helen L., 12-11-01
• "I figured out the obvious reason as to why I couldn't marry Garfield." --Helen L., 12-11-01 (and it's not what you think it is, either.)
• "I lost my dad's furry hat with earflaps last year...I miss it. It was like a quiet pet I could wear on my head." --Helen L., 12-14-01
• "Yeah, there I was, 5:44 in the morning, trying to imitate her friends' handwriting." --Helen L., 12-15-01
• "If I ever get to time travel back to the time of dinos, that's what I'm gonna find out: 'Are Dinosaurs Tasty?' It'll be a science project." --Helen L., 12-16-01
• "Are you guys bored? Do you want drinks? We have cool stickers...really!" --Tina S., 12-20-01 (Tina as the anxious hostess)
• "Guys, I've got the ultimate thing for you...straws!" --Tina S., 12-20-01 (They were darn cool straws, too.)
• "I'm going to...um...be really...rude...to them...for...a long time." --Victor O., 12-23-01
• "I'm going to growl at you now!" --Susan L., 12-24-01
• "You were out of your bed before I saw! I missed it! It was only because I was being friends with my plaid duck." --Susan L., 12-24-01 (Thus has it been shown that thou shalt shun plaid ducks, that they may not turn thy gaze from stranger sights.)
• "Plaid Duck, Plaid Duck, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Plaid Duck, Plaid Duck..." --Helen L., 12-25-01
• "What kind of threesome are you talking about?" --? ?, 12-26-01 (a question posed to the prof in my Sociology class)
• "Up the nose is not a good place for chicken to go." --Oneika A., 12-28-01 (Well said, Neika, well said.)
• "Oh Helen...you and your telepathical powers. You can't use them here." --Christine L., 12-31-01 (Shhh!)
• "I made little shorts for my oversized Garfield magnet." --Helen L., 12-31-01
• "Doo doo doo doo...hey! This is a photo, not a coupon!" --Helen L., 1-2-02
• "Wait! What's she doing?! She's crazy! She's nuts! I like it!!" --Susan L., 1-2-02
• "Where are you? Isn't anybody overhearing you?" --Jennifer W., 1-5-02
• "Aww...so there's someone out there who felt the need to take a bunch of pictures of deer butts!" --Helen L., 1-7-02 (on the Season of the Mule Deer 2002 Calendar)
• "The whole thing is sooo much fun! But now my mother totally thinks you're crazy." --Stephanie L., 1-7-02
• "How can you not have fun with your hands down your pants?" --Elizabeth S., 1-12-02 (Ah, that strange, strange Caillou with his line of suggestive children's books.)
• "The reason I tell you this is because all of you, I hope, will get married." --substitute teacher at Chinese school, 1-12-01
• "If I wanted women who fought back, I wouldn't pursue paraplegics." --Jeremiah H., 1-12-02
• "How messed up? MSN being your funk daddy again?" --Helen L., 1-12-02
• "God, I have people in my head laughing at me!" --Helen L, 1-12-02 (God can't help with that, hon. You need a licensed professional.)
• "I want a machine that gives me funny looks." --Helen L., 1-12-02

• Spring 2002 quotes are here.