College Quotes III

Obviously, this is a continuation of my College Quotes II page. That page was getting sort of long, so the new college quotes are here. Again, this page is never meant to be derogatory.

The "you just had to be there" concept may apply to these. (The fun part is trying to imagine under what circumstances some of the weirder ones might have been said!) Sorry about the quotes that aren't credited. I don't know the names of some people.

14th grade, continued:

• "Obviously, all of you who found this [classroom] realized that we do not meet in 106A, the women's bathroom." --Dr. Poehlmann, 1-14-02
• "How did I get photos of a place that doesn't exist? It's a long story. Something I'd rather not go into right now." --Dr. Lutz, 1-15-02
• "Being God is fun." --Dr. Lutz, 1-15-02 (on the part he will be playing in our role-playing classes)
• "The only real requisite for this class is that you be human. Now if you aren't, this is your time to quietly leave." --Dr. Lutz, 1-15-02
• "Oooh, like come and dose me with your rays!" --Dr. Mikics, 1-15-02
• "Don't say my name in the restroom! I don't know who else is in here...could be a hitman." --girl to her friend in a UH restroom, 1-15-02 (Nope, nobody in here but a girl who writes down people's conversations...)
• "I love mail...except when it's from College Board...ewww." --Stephanie L., 1-15-02
• "Helen, I need your help. You're the algebra whiz, aren't you? Tell me you are." --Susan L., 1-16-02 (True optimism, eh?)
• "St-o-o-op! You're invading my poisonous bubble!" --Susan L., 1-16-02
• "You'd think people would get tired of making garlands after a while." --Dr. Armstrong, 1-17-02 (He...he said what we're all thinking!)
• "OH!! Hyperboreans!!" --Dr. Armstrong, 1-17-02
• "Spartans are spanked throughout their lives, and that's why they're ripping-good soldiers!" --Dr. Armstrong, 1-17-02
• "Yes yes...our semesters are filled with fun and games, aren't they?" --Tina S., 1-17-02 (Well, one of my classes is a role-playing class...)
• "I know. I meant, it would actually be in the shape of a foot. Same size, but like a foot. I want a foot pizza!" --Helen L., 1-17-02
• "I'm a right-side-of-the-room kind of guy." --Mr. Blankinship, 1-21-02 (Thanks to Stephanie L. for this!)
• "Given the chance, I would leave this place on a rocketship for Mars." --morning announcements, 1-22-02 (from Stephanie!)
• "I sailed through the Virgin Islands. I used to charter a boat and terrorize people. That's how I got to be a pirate." --Dr. Lutz, 1-22-02 (He has an eyepatch over his right eye.)
• "I want to have fun with a job. I don't want to walk around and splash in puddles after it rains. I want a job." --Susan L., 1-22-02 (Ya know, Susan, there are other things to do for fun.)
• "If you commit a crime and want a refreshing treat afterwards, what's better than ice cream?" --Dr. Poehlmann, 1-23-02
• "When you build a chair, sometimes you use a saw, sometimes you use a hammer, and sometimes you use explosives. You use whatever tools are available." --Dr. Lutz, 1-24-02 (I, for one, would like to see a chair built using explosives...)
• "Don't listen to science! Science isn't always right!" --Helen's mom, 1-24-02
• "You're trying to saw through a giant candy cane with a key, and you're saying I'm bad at this?" --guy on bus, 1-25-02 (Stephanie knows crazier people now?)
• "Ooh, my hand is big! Can we put our heads here?" --Herr Winterstein, 1-25-02 (playing with the camera-projector in the foreign language lab)
• "I'm not going to kill anyone. I'm just gonna dip my foot in the well of another's blood." --Helen L., 1-26-02
• "And this study brought up a lot of questions. How public is a public restroom? I mean, it's public in that there's other people, and you don't have total, complete privacy. But on the other hand, you don't expect someone to be there with a periscope." --Dr. Poehlmann, 1-28-02 (Play the corresponding Urinal Game.)
• "He thinks we should all be Americans. I think we should all be Mexicans." --Dr. Lutz, 1-29-02
• "The problem with [Larry] Diamond is that he makes a very weak case...and I give you none at all." --Dr. Lutz, 1-29-02 (On his next book)
• "You wanna go find some squirrels? I'm sure there are some over there." --overheard on campus, 1-29-02
• "You just need to have the proper technique to make them work. Turn it on, turn it off, spin the monitor around, and cock it a quarter to the left..." --Josh ?, 1-30-02 (or How To Get UH's Macs To Function)
• "It's amazing how blind you all are." --Dr. Musburger, 1-31-02 (Probably the wisest words ever uttered)
• "I think it would be clear...if it were clearer." --Prof. Thomas, 1-31-02 (Thanks, Santos!)
• "Have you figured out how to keep me from escaping yet?" --Jim P., 2-1-02
• "Crazy healthy bastard." --Andrew C., 2-2-02
• "Today I'll be normal." --Helen L., 2-2-02
• "And then we were just eating and eating and eating and eating. It was great." --Katherine S., 2-2-02
• "Hey, I used to kick kitty cats, but I came out fine." --Andrew C., 2-2-02
• "Today I laughed at all my customers. It was so great." --Helen L., 2-3-02
• "Ooo...thoughts. I haven't had any of those today..." --Helen L., 2-3-02
• "Why are you looking around like that? What are you looking for? Jim's right there." --Susan L., 2-4-02
• "They had a flood there once. Lasted 30 seconds." --Dr. Lutz, 2-5-02 (on San Francisco)
• "I was good. I was sooo good!" --Dr. Armstrong, 2-5-02
• "Let go of all this reality. Reality is highly overrated." --Dr. Armstrong, 2-5-02 (Yes!!)
• "As a person who's done widgets before, that's not my utopia." --? ?, 2-5-02
• "Let's go shoot up! What?! Yeah, we're gonna do drugs, then we're gonna go crash a car. That's crazy!!" --Dr. Armstrong, 2-5-02 (talking to himself)
• "Your R's look like N's. Your U's look like N's. They all look like N's. N's for Nazis! N's for Nazis! We see what you're trying to do to us." --Josh ?, 2-6-02 (German class, the safest place to make Nazi jokes. Because we all know better than to take them seriously.)
• "I mean 'Waldenbozos' in the best way possible, though!" --Jeremiah H., 2-6-02
• "I don't punch people. They make my knuckles bleed." --Helen L., 2-6-02
• "At--at least I know math!!!" --Jeremiah H., 2-6-02
• "He makes me want to have his baby, even though I can't have babies!" --David V., 2-6-02 (on a mall security guard)
• "You have not lived until you have seen a flock of undertakers gambling." --Dr. Lutz, 2-7-02
• "How do they know what's corrupt? Do they take a class? Evil 101?" --Dr. Armstrong, 2-7-02 (on just judges)
• "You all like pleasure, right? I'm assuming that you do. If you don't, I have another version of this lecture I can give." --Dr. Armstrong, 2-7-02 (I, for one, would like to know what he's talking about.)
• "I'm erasing the God-stuff. Anyone care?" --Helen L., 2-9-02
• "Have you figured out how to keep me from escaping yet?" --Jim P., 2-11-02 (fixated, ain't he?)
• "I...don't snack on people. Just so you know." --Helen L., 2-13-02
• "I demand that you return my time in small, unmarked bills!" --Helen L., 2-13-02
• "I want to help people be all that they can be." --Helen L., 2-13-02 (Yes, it's Army-Helen!)
• "I don't belong in sandwiches." --Helen L., 2-13-02
• "My parents will be proud to know that they've spent 19 years raising comfort food." --Helen L., 2-13-02
• "NOOO! CHEESECAKE! IS! EVERYTHING! YOU DIE!!" --Dr. Armstrong, 2-14-02 (No one...even...said anything about cheesecakes...)
• "Look beyond the owl...look beyond the owl." --Susan L., 2-14-02 (she sounds so profound...)
• "A rational person does not stand in line for an hour and a half to eat pickles." --Dr. Poehlmann, 2-18-02
• "Well, but you're oddly known..." --Stephanie L., 2-19-02
• "Ketchup is the best thing anyone has ever invented." --Josh ?, 2-20-02
• "Remind me to burn down your house someday." --Josh ?, 2-20-02
• "I make too much coffee, and I talk for a living." --Dr. Armstrong, 2-21-02
• "You gotta be careful when you come out of the closet as a Trekkie. I mean, you know, people need time." --Dr. Armstrong, 2-21-02
• "Apparently, the Renaissance Faire is about chainmail...with no underwear. And I will talk on Tuesday in a brilliantly-organized, non-digressing manner. Does that sound okay to everyone?" --Dr. Armstrong, 2-21-02
• "I have these nice lemon throat drops that I wanna eat, but there's nothing wrong with my throat! Curses!" --Helen L., 2-24-02
• "Sleep. Kittens. Sleeping on kittens! YES!! Must go now." --Helen L., 2-24-02
• "Helen cannot corrupt anyone! Helen is too sweet, innocent, and kid sister-like!!! Leave me to my delusions! I like them; they are nice, cuddly, and safe!" --Jeremiah H., 2-24-02
• "There's something oddly soothing about drawing on eggs." --Helen L., 2-25-02 (after three hours of drawing faces on plastic Easter eggs)
• "I just thought I'd tell you just in case elephants start dancing across the screen or something." --Dr. Armstrong, 2-26-02 (after spilling a cup of coffee on his laptop keyboard)
• "It's a salt!" --Justin L., 2-27-02 (Thanks Stephanie!)
• "You're sitting back there being useless. What do you think?" --Mr. Donalson, 2-27-02 (From Steph!)
• "There's no room to dance in the shower. I've tried." --Susan L., 3-2-02
• "I got some fairy." --Stephanie L., 3-2-02
• "I smile a lot. It's supposed to make me look friendly." --Daisy W., 3-4-02
• "Hey Helen, I'm a stabber too!! Yay!" --Daisy W., 3-4-02
• "Maybe." --Daisy W., 3-4-02 (Her reply to the survey question, 'Have you ever been the victim of a crime?')
• "It's a process of elimination. Common sense. Sense and sensibility. Pride and prejudice. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." --Susan L., 3-5-02 (when an exercise in logic becomes an exercise in literature)
• "EAT IT. I ate my paper; you have to eat your paper, too." --Susan L., 3-5-02
• "My hair is long. I forget about it. Sometimes I find that I can't lift my head. And I wonder why. And then I realize I have my arm on it." --Helen L., 3-6-02
• "I don't have a dusty garage for forgetfulness, but I really like that idea." --Helen L., 3-6-02 (Is there anyone who can build me a dusty garage for forgetfulness? Please?)
• "I am loaded with OTC drugs." --Jeremiah H., 3-6-02
• "Poor, bitter David. Sometimes I think of him as a mermaid, but then it seems odd." --Helen L., 3-7-02
• "I'm not smart. I just feel smart compared to idiots." --Susan L., 3-8-02 (That's good. I think.)
• "I was gonna get a job over spring break, but then I realized it would severely hinder my fun process." --Will W., 3-8-02
• "We're doing all sorts of drugs." --Andrew C., 3-9-02 (replace 'doing' with 'studying')
• "In terms of which bubbles to bubble in on the Scan Tron, bubble in your name, your Social Security number, and then, obviously...your answers." --Dr. Poehlmann, 3-13-02 (Ohhh...so that's what Scan Trons are for...)
• "He was a loyal Catholic and an enthusiastic burner of heretics." --Dr. Mikics, 3-14-02 (on Thomas More)
• "You're getting kinky here! What kind of pain cannot be avoided? Labor pains?" --Dr. Armstrong, 3-14-02 (on one of my responses on a homework assignment)
• "I always like the people in the books I read, but they're usually dead." --Stephanie L., 3-16-02
• "Usually when I'm asleep, my family goes out and makes major furniture purchases." --Helen L., 3-16-02
• "But I like Siberian tigers! I want one! I'm very possessive!" --Stephanie L., 3-17-02
• "Have you ever asked your parents, 'Where did you make me?'" --Herr Winterstein, 3-18-02 (His made him in Venice.)
• "Oh! I have tried acid once, in Amsterdam? But it was fake. I fell asleep on it." --Herr Winterstein, 3-18-02
• "That's what I always tell people, if you want to buy drugs in Amsterdam, don't buy it off the streets." --Herr Winterstein, 3-18-02 (Aren't we having a revealing day, hmm?)
• "You're the replacement monkey!" --guy in Honors Lounge at school, 3-21-02
• "If you say it every day, it's not a working assumption anymore; it's a plea." --Dr. Lutz, 3-21-02 (on 'I love you')
• "After you get your job, you make lots of money, you can buy your own country. Playing God is a blast." --Dr. Lutz, 3-21-02
• "God will come in and say, 'Bela Lugosi, why did you say that?'" --Dr. Lutz, 3-21-02
• "Americans are the only people who can eat peanut butter; the rest of the world finds it horrifying. That's probably why they use so much peanut butter when they do those food drops in Afghanistan." --Dr. Mikics, 3-21-02
• "I mean, my cheeseburger is beautiful. You consider it hideous." --Dr. Mikics, 3-21-02
• "You got those new boing shoes? They don't really boing, do they?" --Debra W., 3-23-02
• "Don't worry; nature will take care of it." --Helen's dad, 3-23-02 (on the dysfunctional way I've been parented)
• "Is that your mother? She looks very pretty. Doesn't she wear that shirt a lot?" --Helen's dad, 3-23-02 (on a pic of my mom in her twenties)
• "'Dr. Lutz, you're a very good professor, but you need to use more visuals to induce a false sense of security.' I didn't understand what she meant then, but it turned out she was a 6th grade teacher." --Dr. Lutz, 3-26-02
• "You'd think that English is my first language, but apparently not." --Dr. Poehlmann, 3-27-02
• "The cheapest way to run a business is to blow your brains out." --Dr. Lutz, 3-28-02
• "Jesus, what can I do so that they don't come out of here and jump off the building again?" --Dr. Lutz, 3-28-02 (He's had students who jumped off the building?)
• "Make her wet with your feet." --Jeremiah H., 3-30-02 (That's okay; I'd rather not.)
• "I refuse to believe that I am not a real Freaky Freak. I am! I am! I am! I am! Okay, I hope I made myself clear. " --Kinga B., 3-31-02
• "I am obsessed with pineapples. I love pineapples. One time I went out in the middle of the night and went to supermarket and bought myself a can of pineapples. I had the urge." --Kinga B., 4-1-02
• "And there was that little kid...I have no idea what he had to do with the whole story, but his name was Nacho. In all Latin American soap operas, little boys are called Nacho. What is up with that? There is never an adult called Nacho. Is it a name you just grow out of? I don't get it." --Kinga B., 4-1-02
• "I am still afraid to turn my cell phone on. It is ridiculous. I am dreading my own phone. Now it is lying on the table and being scary. I will have nightmares." --Kinga B., 4-2-02
• "I'll make lawyers out of you yet! Or worse, political scientists! Even worse, political theorists! And then...custodians!" --Dr. Lutz, 4-2-02
• "I went on a boating trip with a couple of friends, and I...um...consumed them. They're gone now." --Dr. Mikics, 4-2-02 (Hmm...better not get on his bad side...)
• "Keep in mind, you're a writer. You're far away, locked up in a room somewhere. You're not allowed to touch the equipment." --Dr. Musburger, 4-4-02 (Story of my life...)
• "Creativity. I can't teach creativity." --Dr. Musburger, 4-4-02
• "The Dean had me trapped in his office." --Dr. Lutz, 4-4-02
• "But there are no luxuries. Where is the sauce? Where are the fish sticks?" --Dr. Mikics, 4-4-02
• "It's better to have sheep than to have nothing." --Jared J., 4-5-02 (I better stock up on sheep...thanks, Aditi!)
• "I borrow clothes from my mom's closet; they're way cooler than mine." --Susan L., 4-6-02
• "GO SPARKLE YOURSELF!! (It's like putting on makeup.)" --Helen L., 4-6-02
• "You know, I am kinda seeing one guy right now, although I don't think I want him for my boyfriend. You know, he doesn't eat cheese. At all! How can I be with somebody who doesn't eat cheese? We will move in together and lead a cheese-free life. I don't think I can do it. I am addicted to cheese." --Kinga B., 4-7-02
• "If I were president, I'd smoke crack, too." --John M., 4-8-02 (from Steph!)
• "I think Southwest is the socialist airline." --Christian B., 4-8-02
• "Why are you getting in the way of this nice guy's work? What is wrong with you?" --guy in Honors lounge, 4-8-02
• "They're not just mothers; they're toys!" --Ronit D., 4-11-02 (from Steph!)
• "I never noticed before what sad, dusty butts these men have." --Dr. Armstrong, 4-12-02
• "Let's pick another anion, just for...giggles." --Mr. Donalson, 4-16-02 (from Steph)
• "Why not just say, 'The world is filled with benighted natives who don't have digital television.'" --Dr. Armstrong, 4-16-02 (I didn't realize I was a benighted native...)
• "Professional scientists don't stay up at night going, 'What if I'm wrong?!'" --Dr. Armstrong, 4-16-02
• "When I moved this into an area that was big pink, it depinks!" --Mr. Donalson, 4-18-02 (Steph!)
• "Smell it, you wimps." --Mr. Donalson, 4-18-02 (thanks, Steph!)
• "The soundtrack is determined not to be silenced." --? ?, 4-18-02 (those evil soundtracks...!!)
• "Do your parents know? You should bite them, to demonstrate. I try to bite people all the time, and there's nothing wrong with my teeth." --Helen L., 4-18-02 (Me making another useless suggestion to a friend who has a problem...)
• "I could never be a nurse. If I saw someone lying there, I would pull the plug on all of them." --Herr Winterstein, 4-19-02 (Well, so would I.)
• "Pond scum is very healthy." --Dr. Mikics, 4-19-02
• "And then it was pep rally time...whoo hoo! Uh yeah...school spirit, I'm just oozing with school spirit..." -- Stephanie L. 4-20-02
• "I had this Geography teacher. She had the most fun teaching us the game called 'Geopardy.' She loved Geopardy. We had to play it every time we went to class." --Andrew C., 4-20-02
• "I like these stairs. They're very sturdy." --Susan L., 4-20-02
• "We're going to run out of fractions soon, guys." --Seth L., 4-23-02
• "The meaner you are, the longer you live." --Dr. Lutz, 4-25-02
• "First, I gotta get rid of this quote put here by the local Communist Party." --Dr. Lutz, 4-25-02
• "So our whole paper can be a lie, and we'd still get an A?!" --Adrian P., 4-25-02 (Oh, good.)
• "You're like the Mack Daddy Supreme!" --Dr. Mikics, 4-25-02
• "Yes, it does seem that covering one's ass is the important thing here. Of course, one's ass can be very vulnerable." --Dr. Mikics, 4-25-02
• "That car is busy looking like ours." --Susan L., 5-5-02
• "No Jim to be found! I can't go to the store and buy more Jim. I don't have the time, and I don't have the money. I suspect I can't buy Jim at the store anyway." --Helen L., 5-6-02 (Duh...ya think?)

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