Longer Jokes
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Innuendos
"Ethnic" Jokes
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed
someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer,
were called in. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician
rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to
identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt
real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said,
"No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two
assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to
town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a class on
observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid.
"This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you
have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and
taste."
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and
put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement,
most in disgust. But being the good students that they
were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped
their finger into the jar and put it into their
mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook
his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would
have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar
and my third finger into my mouth."
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the
convent which is
being renovated, and the last instruction of the
Mother Superior
is that they must not get even a drop of paint on
their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two
nuns decide to
lock the door of the room, strip off their
habits, and paint in
the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock
at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side
of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and
decide that no harm
can come from letting a blind man into the room.
They open the
door, and a man enters.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want
these blinds?"
The high school football team was hitting the showers. One
guy dropped his towel. As he picked it up, he noticed the
defensive lineman had a cork in his ass.
"Why is there a cork up your ass?" the first guy asks.
"Well, I was walking down the sidelines and I found a bottle. A
genie told me
since I let him out of the bottle, he'd grant me one wish."
"So?"
"I responded with, 'no shit!'"
Boot camp was rough during World War II. In the
early days
of the course, a drill instructor raged up and
down in front
of his new recruits.
He stopped in front of a private and demanded.
"You're in
the jungle on an island, and an enemy pops out in
front of
you with his bayonet fixed. What do you do?"
The recruit said, "I'd reach behind me and throw
shit in
his face."
"Where would you get the shit?"
"Don't worry, it'd be there!"
Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS.... Adam was
walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so
God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he
didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to
make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He
said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, a nd
when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with
every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get
up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will
always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion
whenever you need it. Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history....
A man has gotten lost in the desert. He has gone so long
without water that even his camel has died. As he breathes
what he is sure is his last breath, he sees an Evian bottle in
the sand. He grabs it, and it looks like there might still be
some water in it, so he opens it, and a genie comes out. The
genie says, "i will grant you three wishes."
"No way," says the man. "I know all about genies, how the trick
people and all
that."
"Well, you look like you about to die anyway, you may as well try."
"Okay." The man thinks for a second, then says, "I wish I was on a
lush oasis
with plenty of food and drink."
Suddenly the man is on a lush oasis with delicious looking food and
jugs of
water and wine.
"Okay, my second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams."
Suddenly the man is sitting on top of bags and bags of money.
"Okay," says the genie. "you have one more wish, so make it good."
"All right," the man says. "I wish to be surrounded by beautiful
women."
The man is turned into a Tampax.
Moral: Be careful what you wish for, there may be a string attached
Yesterday, scientests revealed that beer contains small
traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the
scientists gave 100 men 12 bottles of beer each and
observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became emotional,
couldn't drive and refused to apologize when they were
wrong. No further testing is planned.
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in
a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her
left breast
instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a
sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is
a good sign and
suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife
also. The doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he
will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be
embarrassed. The man goes in and comes out about five minutes later, white
as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is
dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."
Mike,Frank and Joe were out shopping for thier wives
christmas presents one morning. They all decide to meet in
the food court later that afternoon to compare gifts. A few
hours go by and the three of them finally hook up. The Mike
say's to Frank "So what the fuck did ya get your wife for
christmas?" Frank replies " Oh, I got her a pearl necklace
and a scarf. If she doesn't like the necklace she can hide it behind the scarf."
Great idea mike say's. So Frank asks Mike what he got his wife for christmas?
Mike replies " Oh I got her a god damb dimand ring and a pair of gloves. If she
doesn't like the ring she can cover it up with gloves." "Yah, Yah, good idea
Mike" say's Frank. So Mike and Frank look at the Joe sitting there very quitely
and ask him what he got his wife for christmas? " Ah fuck" Joe say's " I went
and bought her a fuckn' toaster and a dildo" Mike and Frank look at each other
puzzled and ask why those two gifts? Joe relies "If she don't like the toaster
she can go Fuck herself !! "
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the
doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her.
She was a little worried about some of the side effects she
was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really
helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started
growing hair in
places that I`ve never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly
normal side effect of
testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my testicles."
A guy goes hunting with his friend and brings his dog.
"Watch this," says the guy who owns the dog.
He gives a signal, the dog disappears into the woods and a
few minutes later returns, barks twice and points.
"He's saying there are twenty ducks in that direction."
Sure enough, they follow the dog and come upon twenty ducks in a
pond and
they get their share.
Next week, same two, same dog. Dog disappears, comes back barks
three
times and points.
"Thirty ducks that way." says the owner and they get their share
again.
"Say, I was wondering," says the friend. "I'm going up to my cabin
next week.
Can I borrow your dog."
"Sure." says the owner.
So the friend collects the dog, heads to his cabin, and goes into
the woods.
He gives the signal and the dog disappears. In a few minutes, he
returns with a
branch in his mouth. He points briefly, then starts humping the guys
leg. The
fellow is so disconcerted by this, he jumps in his truck and heads
straight to
the owners house with the dog.
"I tell you he came back with a branch in his mouth and started
humping my
leg. He's no good at all."
"You idiot," says the owner. "He was trying to tell you that there
were more
fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at."
One day a dad and his son were hunting rabits and they
came across some rabit tracks. In between the tracks there
was these little round brown pellets and the son said to the
dad
"what are those?" AND the dad replied "smart pills, try a
couple."So the kid grabed two and put them in his mouth and then
made a
funny face and said to his dad "they taste like shit". And the dad
reply's, "see
your getting smarter already."
There were these 2 boy's. They didn't like deer meat at all.
Their mom and dad liked it though. One morning after the
boy's went to school, the dad went hunting for deer. He got a
good one, so he took it home. When he got home he
skinned it and cleaned it up real nice and gave the meat to
his wife. She cooked it and made deer chili. When the kid's
got home they complained of being hungry, the mom said good I made you
some chili. The boy's tried it and liked it. They asked what it was made from.
The mom said I'll give you one hint: It's something your dad calls me. One boy
looked at the other and said: " spit it out, spit it out, it's asshole!
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the
front door, the
girl's father answers and invites him in. Carrie's not ready yet,
so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says
Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely
that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a
movie.
Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids
are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a
surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries
father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night
if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was
beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie
comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to
go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his
date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door
behind her, and screams at her father: "Dammit Daddy! It's
called the twist!"
Okay, so there's this barber, let's call him Danny to make things easier, so I don't have to type "this barber" anymore, and since my barber happens to be named Danny, might as well.
So Danny gives an old friend of his who happens to be a florist a haircut. After he's done, the florist asks, "What do I owe you?" And since they've been friends so long, Danny replies, "You don't owe me anything, this one's on me." The florist is touched by this gesture, and the next morning when Danny comes to work, there's a thank you note from the florist, along with a dozen roses.
The next day, an old friend of Danny's, who happens to be a police officer, comes in for a haircut. After he's done, the police officer asks, "What do I owe you?" And since they've been friends so long, Danny replies, "You don't owe me anything, this one's on me." The police officer is touched by this gesture, and the next morning when Danny comes to work there is a thank you note, along with a dozen doughnuts.
The next day, an old friend of Danny's, who happens to own the best Mexican food restaurant in town, and since we all know only real mexicans can cook like that, he's also, as you might have guessed, a 'latino', comes in for a haircut. Anywho, after he's done, the restaurant owner asks "How much do I owe you?" And since they've been friends so long, Danny replies, "You don't owe me anything, this one's on me." The restaurant owner is touched by this gesture, and the next morning, when Danny comes to work there is a thank you note, along with a dozen Mexicans waiting to get a free haircut.....
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