This is where old ULTRADAW articles come to die...or to be resurrected, like Christ, to live forever and spread the word of God.
GRC PRESENTS.....ULTRADAW is the only place you can read about GRC's childhood misadventures: Click here to read his first tale, "PICKING A WALL". Enjoy.
A CONVERSATION WITH BARRY -- Working retail, you bump into a lot of interesting characters. Meet Barry M. Not exactly a highschool chum, but an acquaintance. Barry's trading in his blue jeans for green jeans....lucky man.
NEW ARTICLE TO BE WRITTEN
By an as-of-yet unnannounced writer
It has just been brought to the attention of the ULTRADAW bullpen that there hasn't been a new article posted since August 1st!!! Well, there's an excuse -- we here at ULTRDAW are currently moving to a bigger office -- once the site-counter hit 300, we knew we had a hit on our hands.Now that's no reason to leave our loyal, loyal readers hanging, so we have made plans to have a meeting to discuss possible subjects for our new article, perhaps even some new songs and pictures. Apparently, this whole 'Iraq' thing has ruffled a few feathers, Arnie the Austrian is running for governor of Cali, and Mars is but a stones-throw away!
Don't worry. Though ULTRADAW has stooped to covering entertainment news in the past, we will continue to be you source for that obscure, need-to-know info that you can't find anywhere else but the filthiest, urine-stained alleys of Europe.
A little taste of what's rolling down the highway...Mark Burtenshaw -- what's his beef with Johnny Depp? A little birdie told me (before shitting on my shoulder) that Johnny Vicious and Danny D were in town for an autograph session at a DAW convention -- how did Danny and Lou Ferrigno end up butting heads?? We've go the pics to prove it, folks! And lastly, we have a shitload of reviews coming in covering everything from the National Lampoon's Vacation 20the anniversary DVD to a test drive of F-fucking-Zero GX for the Gamecube!! Holy geek-boner!
WHO IS SIGNAL..?
By Danny Damnation
If you're anything like me, you spend your entire day combing over the UltraDAW guestbook for new entries. Let's face it, it's spicier than Entertainment Tonight and a popular hang-out for the 'with-it' crowd.So imagine my suprise when I logged on a few weeks ago to find someone taking a hot, steamy piss in my comfort zone -- he/she called himself/herself "Signal" and was adamant about getting in Danny D's face and ruffling my feathers. It's been a few weeks now and things have yet to cool down -- check it out for yourself and you'll realize why this is the hottest story since Odai and Qusai bit the proverbial dust.
Who is Signal? A few fingers were pointed at Grahame Cummins -- that's right, "GRC" -- the man whose popular story "Picking A Wall" is posted on this very site!! Cummins has vehemently denied all ties to this "Signal" character and who can blame him -- this slanderous Signal has even issued threats of violence upon my creamy carcass.
Mike Bott, a close chum, has suggested that perhaps my past sins have caught up with me. He points the finger at Chris Hickmont, a kid from our hometown. Sure, Hickmont was a little nutty, and we did have a falling out, but it's been years...why would he attack now?
Just one more riddle to be solved in this increasingly-difficult situation -- stay tuned. Who knows what we'll uncover on our quest to discover Signal's identity. It could be you...or you...or even..YOU.
Bob Hope, Finally Dead
Well, it had to happen sometime. Bob Hope has finally kicked the bucket. That's right -- Hope's up there in heaven right now, riding a camel, eternally Morocco-bound with Bing Crosby in tow.
Appropriately, news publications are focusing on Bob Hope's life accomplishments spanning vaudeville, television, radio, and film. I would also consider one of Bob's life accomplishments to be staying alive. The National Enquirer has been heralding Hope's death for years, constantly running photos of a crumbling Bob with red-rimmed eyes over headlines like Hope Near Death and Hope Family Prepares For The End!! That was five years ago, so I'm sure they've had more than enought time preparing for his demise and the subsequent inheritance that will soon follow.
Bob made a real name for himself entertaining American troops from here to Korea. He was too weak in the last ten years to make it out, but I feel it would have been fairly fitting to have rolled him out for the troops in Iraq, his oxygen tank at his side and a sexy nurse for him to goose for a cheap laugh.
Bob Hope -- we'll see you in Valhalla.
“It was possibly the worst line ever said in a movie.”
Hahaha! The new Jennifer Lopez/Ben Affleck megaflick Gigli sounds like a real shitburger!
At some point in the film J-Lo spreads her legs and tells Ben "It's turkey time!" When he asks: “What?”, she replies: “Come on, gobble, gobble”.
Another big shitty stain on J-Lo's big shitty career. Thank you, God. And Ben can kiss my ass, too -- let me ask a question -- what has Ben done for you lately?
"DAW, Best of Luck, JOHN STAMOS."
