David O. McKay, Gospel Ideals, pp. 458-59                                     

Young man, always remember when you take your girl out to a party that her father and mother trust her to you. She is their most precious possession. If they gave you in trust a thousand dollars, you would not think of misusing it or spending it. They are giving into your keeping something which cannot be priced in money, and you are base indeed if you become disloyal to that trust. May I give you a heart petal here? I remember my father's admonition when I started in my teens to court a young girl: "David, you treat that young lady as you would have any young boy treat your sister." Young men, follow that advice and you will go through life with your conscience clear, and later in life you can say truthfully that with all your mistakes, you have never wronged a woman.

Ezra Taft Benson, The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, pp. 531-32, 546

You will need to find your wife or husband. This will require careful and prayerful consideration. It would be well to mingle with many good people to have a better understanding of others. If you desire a fine companion, you should be that kind of fine person for whom that companion would be looking. Your dating should be on a high and wholesome level. One of the best yardsticks for knowing whether a certain person may be best for you is to ask yourself what kind of an influence this person has on you. In their presence do you wish you were better than you are? Do you think some of your noblest thoughts? Are you encouraged to goodly deeds? If this is so, that person could be worthy of greater consideration. But if being in their company makes you tend in the opposite direction, you had best leave them. . . . Of course, she should be attractive to you, but do not just date one girl after another for the sole pleasure of dating without seeking the Lord's confirmation in your choice of your eternal companion.

Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 300

Do not take the chance of dating nonmembers, or members who are untrained and faithless. A girl may say, "Oh, I do not intend to marry this person. It is just a 'fun' date." But one cannot afford to take a chance on falling in love with someone who may never accept the gospel.

Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 286

If you want to stay in the realm of modest womanhood, you keep your body covered and no decent man will ever think less of you for it and every good, honorable man who would think of marrying you would love you more for it. . . .

Modesty is for men, also. Now just a word to the boys. Sometimes we have young men; they swim scantily clad, of course, when they are in the water, that's all right. Sometimes they play games, basketball, for instance, with very, very little on them. Maybe that's all right on the basketball floor, but certainly it is immodest for them to go around dating before and after the game in those kinds of clothes. It is just as bad for a man to be undressed as it is for a woman to be undressed and that, I am sure, is the gospel of Christ. We have only one standard of morality, only one standard of decency, only one standard of modesty, and I hope our men will remember that. There is no reason why a man should go around half dressed.

Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 281

Kissing has been prostituted and has degenerated to develop and express lust instead of affection, honor, and admiration. To kiss in casual dating is asking for trouble. What do kisses mean when given out like pretzels and robbed of sacredness? What is miscalled the "soul kiss" [French kiss] is an abomination and stirs passions to the eventual loss of virtue. Even if timely courtship justifies the kiss it should be a clean, decent, sexless one like the kiss between mother and son, or father and daughter.

If the "soul kiss" with its passion were eliminated from dating there would be an immediate upswing in chastity and honor, with fewer illegitimate babies, fewer unwed mothers, fewer forced marriages, fewer unhappy people.

With the absence of the "soul kiss" necking would be greatly reduced. The younger sister of petting, it should be totally eliminated. Both are abominations in their own right.

Small indiscretions lead to serious immorality. Immorality does not begin in adultery or perversion. It begins with little indiscretions like sex thoughts, sex discussions, passionate kissing, petting, and such, growing with every exercise. The small indiscretion seems powerless compared to the sturdy body, the strong mind, the sweet spirit of youth who give way to the first temptation. But soon the strong has become weak, the master the slave, spiritual growth curtailed. But if the first unrighteous act is never given root, the tree will grow to beautiful maturity and the youthful life will grow toward God, our Father.

Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 280

"Necking" and "petting" are wrong. Instead of remaining in the field of simple expressions of affection, some have turned themselves loose to fondling, often called "necking" with its intimate contacts and its passionate kissing. Necking is the younger member of this unholy family. Its bigger sister is called "petting." When the intimacies have reached this stage, they are surely the sins condemned by the Savior.

Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 280

Among the most common sexual sins our young people commit are necking and petting. Not only do these improper relations often lead to fornication, pregnancy, and abortions, but in and of themselves they are pernicious evils, and it is often difficult for youth to distinguish where one ends and another begins. They awaken lust and stir evil thoughts and sex desires. . . .

Too often, young people dismiss their petting with a shrug of their shoulders as a little indiscretion, while admitting that fornication is a base transgression. Too many of them are shocked, or feign to be, when told that what they have done in the name of petting was in reality fornication. The dividing line is a thin, blurry one. . . . The devil knows how to destroy our young girls and boys. He may not be able to tempt a person to murder or to commit adultery immediately, but he knows that if he can get a boy and a girl to sit in the car late enough after the dance, or to park long enough in the dark at the end of the lane, the best boy and the best girl will finally succumb and fall. He knows that all have a limit to their resistance.

M. Russell Ballard, Ensign, May 1993, p. 7

You must be honest with yourself and remain true to the covenants you have made with God. Do not fall into the trap of thinking you can sin a little and it will not matter. Remember, "the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance." (D&C 1:31.) Some young men and women in the Church talk openly about sexual transgression. They seem to forget that the Lord forbids all sexual relations before marriage, including petting, sex perversion of any kind, or preoccupation with sex in thought, speech, or action. Some youth foolishly rationalize that it is "no big deal" to sin now because they can always repent later when they want to go to the temple or on a mission. Anyone who does that is breaking promises made to God both in the pre-mortal life and in the waters of baptism. The idea of sinning a little is self-deception. Sin is sin! Sin weakens you spiritually, and it always places the sinner at eternal risk. Choosing to sin, even with the intent to repent, is simply turning away from God and violating covenants.

Ezra Taft Benson, The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, pp. 283-84

A priesthood holder . . . will not commit adultery "nor do anything like unto it" (D&C 59:6). This means fornication, homosexual behavior, self-abuse, child molestation, or any other sexual perversion. This means that a young man will honor young women and treat them with respect. He would never do anything that would deprive them of that, which in Mormon's words, is "most dear and precious above all things, which is virtue and chastity" (Moroni 9:9).

Harold B. Lee, Stand Ye In Holy Places, pp. 331-32

One of the first commandments given to our first mortal parents, "to multiply and to replenish the earth" has been repeated as a sacred instruction to every faithful and true Latter-day Saint young man and young woman married in holy wedlock. . . . But now mark you, never once has God issued such a command to unmarried persons! Indeed, to the contrary; he has written high on the decalogue of crime and second only to murder the divine injunction, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" (which is unquestionably interpreted to mean all unlawful sexual association, inasmuch as the Master used interchangeably the words adultery and fornication in defining sexual impurity, and it has been severely condemned in every dispensation by authorized church leaders).

Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 271

To be unwilling to accept responsibility is cowardly, disloyal. Marriage is for time and eternity. Fornication and all other deviations are for today, for the hour, for the "now." Marriage gives life. Fornication leads to death. Premarital sex promises what it cannot possibly produce nor deliver.

Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 70

Avoid even the thought. The final act of adultery is not the only sin. For any man or woman to begin to share affection or romantic interest with any other than the spouse is an almost certain approach to ultimate adultery. There must be no romantic interest, attention, dating, or flirtation of any kind with anyone so long as either of the participating people is still legally married, regardless of the status of that marriage. Indeed, even the thought of adultery is sinful, as Jesus emphasized: "Ye have heard that it has said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." (Matthew 5:27-28.)

Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 276

Homosexual tendencies can be controlled. "God made me that way," some say, as they rationalize and excuse themselves for their perversions. "I can't help it," they add. This is blasphemy. Is man not made in the image of God, and does he think God to be "that way"? Man is responsible for his own sins. It is possible that he may rationalize and excuse himself until the groove is so deep he cannot get out without great difficulty, but this he can do. Temptations come to all people. The difference between the reprobate and the worthy person is generally that one yielded and the other resisted. It is true that one's background may make the decision and accomplishment easier or more difficult, but if one is mentally alert, he can still control his future. That is the gospel message- personal responsibility.

Neal A. Maxwell, Things As They Really Are, p. 20

In a moral malaise, society comes to tolerate certain things that would have been intolerable years before, whether these be violence or shoddiness in education. Why do so many lack the capacity to be aroused, to be stirred over such declining standards? Part of the explanation, of course, is ignorance. Part of it is indifference. But there is a new dimension to this failure of many to be aroused: intimidation growing out of the very momentum that evil has achieved. There are many mortals who fear genuinely fear, to speak up and to lead out! It is as if a flagship were sending signals to other ships of war in a convoy, warning them, "Beware of pirates who may try to board," only to have such signals read by the sneering faces of pirates already in command on the bridges of those ships. In one American City where an effort was made to repeal ordinances benefiting homosexuals, a newspaper report told of how the petitions were turned in to a city official who is an avowed homosexual. The pirates are already on the bridge of some ships.

Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 264

All sex activity outside marriage is sin. The early apostles and prophets mention numerous sins that were reprehensible to them. Many of them were sexual sins- adultery, being without natural affection, lustfulness, infidelity, incontinence, filthy communications, impurity, inordinate affection, fornication. They included all sexual relations outside marriage- petting, sex perversion, masturbation, and preoccupation with sex in one's thoughts and talking. Included are every hidden and secret sin and all unholy and impure thoughts and practices.

Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 282

Masturbation is a disapproved weakness. Masturbation, a rather common indiscretion, is not approved of the Lord nor of his church, regardless of what may have been said by others whose "norms" are lower. Latter-day Saints are urged to avoid this practice. Anyone fettered by this weakness should abandon the habit before he goes on a mission or receives the holy priesthood or goes in the temple for his blessings.

Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, pp. 283-84

Each person must keep himself clean and free from lusts. He must shun ugly, polluted thoughts and acts as he would an enemy. Pornography and erotic stories and pictures are worse than polluted food. Shun them. The body has power to rid itself of sickening food. That person who entertains filthy stories or pornographic pictures and literature records them in his marvelous human computer, the brain, which can't forget this filth. Once recorded, it will always remain there, subject to recall- filthy images. . . .

We need to constantly guard against immorality, pornography, and sexual permissiveness that would destroy the purity of the family members, young and old. . . . What must we do? We must be constantly alert to their evil presence in our homes and destroy them as we would the germs and filth of disease. We must hunt them from the closets of our minds, freeing ourselves of such worldliness quenching the embers of wickedness before they become destructive flames.

Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 87

The repenting one must avoid every person, place, thing or situation which could bring reminders of the sordid past. He must avoid pornography in any form-any stories or pictures or records which stimulate the passions. He should part company with "the prince of this world" (the devil; John 14:30) and all such associates. He should make new friends, establish new locations and begin a totally new life. He must apply Paul's counsel: "Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye withdraw yourselves from every brother that walketh disorderly" (2 Thessalonians 3:6).

Ezra Taft Benson, The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, p. 284

Virtue is akin to holiness, an attribute of godliness. A priesthood holder should actively seek for that which is virtuous and lovely and not that which is debasing or sordid. Virtue will "garnish [his] thoughts unceasingly" (D&C 121:45). How can any man indulge himself in the evils of pornography, profanity, or vulgarity and consider himself totally virtuous?

Spencer W. Kimball, "Lock Your Hearts," MTC Branch Presidents Handbook, p. 32

After a missionary had committed sexual sin, President Kimball asked his companions what had gone wrong. President Kimball said:

When I interviewed them and visited with them, I said, "Why didn't you tell the president that conditions were bad?" One of them said, "Well, that's none of my business! This Elder [or roommate]  can do as he pleases! If he wants to wreck his mission [or life], that's okay with me. It's his business; it's his mission. If he wants to ruin his life that's up to him; it's his life!"

And then I said to them, "Elders! Do you know who excommunicated this boy? Not me, not your president, not the Elder's court. It was you! You excommunicated your brother! How? Well, if you'd have gone to this boy when you saw him breaking mission rules and you'd said, 'Elder, let's not do that! . . . I'm going to tell the president [or bishop], not as a tattle-tale, but I'm going to report to the president so that he can protect the whole program, if you don't desist!'"

You see, there is nothing ugly about that, is there? That's the way it should be because our loyalty is first to the Lord, to the Church, to the mission, to the work, isn't it?

It's time we should begin to get involved when involvement is proper.

Richard G. Scott, "Making the Right Choices," Ensign, November 1994, pp. 37-39 (excerpts)

Question: Why is the law of chastity so important? Why is sex before marriage wrong? Fundamental to the great plan of happiness and central to the teachings of the Savior is the family. A new family begins when a man and woman make sacred marriage vows and are legally bound together to become husband and wife, father and mother. The perfect beginning is through sealing in the temple. With marriage they commit the best of themselves to be absolutely loyal to each other and to invite children to be nurtured and taught. The father assumes his roles as provider and protector, the mother her role as the heart of the home, with her tender, loving, nurturing influence. Together they strive to instill in themselves and their children principles such as prayer, obedience, love, giving of oneself, and the quest for knowledge.

Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their 1oveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, consideration of each other, and common purpose.

However, those intimate acts are forbidden by the Lord outside the enduring commitment of marriage because they undermine His purposes. Within the sacred covenant of marriage, such relationships are according to His plan. When experienced any other way, they are against His will. They cause serious emotional and spiritual harm. Even though participants do not realize that is happening now, they will later. Sexual immorality creates a barrier to the influence of the Holy Spirit with all its uplifting, enlightening, and empowering capabilities. It causes powerful physical and emotional stimulation. In time that creates an unquenchable appetite that drives the offender to ever more serious sin. It engenders selfishness and can produce aggressive acts such as brutality, abortion, sexual abuse, and violent crime. Such stimulation can lead to acts of homosexuality, and they are evil and absolutely wrong.

Sexual transgression would defile the priesthood you now hold, sap your spiritual strength, undermine your faith in Jesus Christ, and frustrate your ability to serve Him. Consistent, willing obedience increases your confidence and ability. It produces character that allows you to face difficult challenges and overcome them. It qualifies you to receive inspiration and power from the Lord.

Question: They always tell us we shouldn't become sexually involved, but they never tell us the limits. What are they? Any sexual intimacy outside of the bonds of marriage- I mean any intentional contact with the sacred, private parts of another's body, with or without clothing- is a sin and is forbidden by God. It is also a transgression to intentionally stimulate these emotions within your own body. Satan tempts one to believe that there are allowable levels of physical contact between consenting individuals who seek the powerful stimulation of emotions they produce, and if kept within bounds, no harm will result. As a witness of Jesus Christ, I testify that is absolutely false. Satan particularly seeks to tempt one who has lived a pure, clean life to experiment through magazines, video cassettes, or movies with powerful images of a woman's [or a man's] body. He wants to stimulate appetite to cause experimentation that quickly results in intimacies and defilement. Powerful habits are formed which are difficult to break. Mental and emotional scars result.

When you are mature enough to plan seriously for marriage, keep your expressions of feelings to those that are comfortable in the presence of your parents. To help you keep these sacred commandments, make a covenant with the Lord that you will obey them. Decide what you will do and will not do. When temptation comes, do not change your standards. Do not abandon them when circumstances seem to justify an exception. That is Satan's way to hurt you by making it seem that sometimes God's law does not apply. There are no exceptions.

Question: Before your are married, how far is too far to go if it is with your girlfriend? Before marriage there can be no sexual contact with a girlfriend, fiancée, or anyone else, period. While a commandment, that standard is for your happiness. That's why the Church counsels you to go in groups and not to date while you are young. Later, as you prepare for marriage, remember that true love elevates, protects, respects, and enriches another. It motivates you to make sacrifices for the girl you love. Satan would promote counterfeit love, which is really lust. That is driven by hunger to satisfy personal appetite. Protect the one you love by controlling your emotions to the limits set by the Lord. You know how to be clean. We trust you to do it.

Question: How do you go about repenting after a sexual sin is committed? What sins should you tell the bishop? All of the sexual transgressions we have discussed require sincere repentance with the participation of the bishop. Should you have done any of this, repent now. It is wrong to violate these commandments of the Lord. It is worse to do nothing about it. Sin is like cancer in the body. It will never heal itself. It will become worse unless cured through repentance. Your parents can help strengthen you. Then you can become clean and pure by repentance under the guidance of the bishop. He may seem to be busy or unavailable. Tell him you are in trouble and need help. He will listen. A youth in serious trouble said: "I have done things that I knew were bad. I have been taught they were ever since I can remember. I know repentance is a great gift; without it I would be lost. But I'm not ready to repent of my sins, yet I know when I am ready I can." How tragic. The thought of intentionally committing serious sin now and repenting later is perilously wrong. Never do that. Many start that journey of intentional transgression and never make it back. Premeditated sin has greater penalties and is harder to overcome. If there is sin, repent now- while you can.

Jeffrey R. Holland, "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments," 12 January 1988 BYU Devotional (excerpts)

You may feel this is a topic you hear addressed too frequently at this time in your life, but given the world in which we live, you may not be hearing it enough. All of the prophets, past and present, have spoken on it. . . . I would prefer for the sake of the innocent not to need to discuss such topics. But a few of you are not doing so well, and much of the world around us is not doing well at all.

Of course, more widespread in our society than the indulgence of personal sexual activity are the printed and photographed descriptions of those who do. Of that lustful environment a contemporary observer says,

"We live in an age in which voyeurism is no longer the side line of the solitary deviate, but rather a national pastime, fully institutionalized and [circularized] in the mass media." (William F. May, quoted by Henry Fairlie, The Seven Deadly Sins Today [Notre Dame: University of Notre Dame Press, 1978], p. 178.)

I wish to do something even a bit more difficult than listing the do's and don'ts of personal purity. I wish to speak, to the best of my ability, on why we should be clean, on why moral discipline is such a significant matter in God's eyes.

It is LDS doctrine that sexual transgression is second only to murder in the Lord's list of life's most serious sins. By assigning such rank to a physical appetite so conspicuously evident in all of us, what is God trying to tell us about its place in his plan for all men and women in mortality? I submit to you he is doing precisely that--commenting about the very plan of life itself. Clearly God's greatest concerns regarding mortality are how one gets into this world and how one gets out of it. These two most important issues in our very personal and carefully supervised progress are the two issues that he as our Creator and Father and Guide wishes most to reserve to himself. These are the two matters that he has repeatedly told us he wants us never to take illegally, illicitly, unfaithfully, without sanction.

In the case of how life is taken, I think we seem to be quite responsible. The seriousness of that does not often have to be spelled out, and not many sermons need to be devoted to it. But in the significance and sanctity of giving life, some of us are not so responsible, and in the larger world swirling around us we find near criminal irresponsibility. What would in the case of taking life bring absolute horror and demand grim justice, in the case of giving life brings dirty jokes and four-letter lyrics and crass carnality on the silver screen, home-owned or downtown.

"The spirit and the body are the soul of man" (D&C 88:15; emphasis added) and .. . when the spirit and body are separated, men and women "cannot receive a fullness of joy" (D&C93:34). Certainly that suggests something of the reason why obtaining a body is so fundamentally important to the plan of salvation. . . .

We do not have to be a herd of demonically possessed swine charging down the Gadarene slopes toward the sea to understand that a body is the great prize of mortal life, and that even a pig's will do for those frenzied spirits that rebelled, and to this day remain dispossessed, in their first, unembodied estate. We regard [the body] as the sign of our royal birthright. . . . We recognize . . . that those who kept not their first estate. . . were denied that inestimable blessing. . . . We believe that these bodies . . . may be made, in very truth, the temple of the Holy Ghost. . . .

One toying with the God-given- and satanically coveted- body of another, toys with the very soul of that individual. . . . In trivializing the soul of another (please include the word body there), we trivialize the Atonement that saved that soul and guaranteed its continued existence. . . . Exploitation of the body (please include the word soul there) is, in the last analysis, an exploitation of him who is the Light and the Life of the world.

The purchase price for our fullness of joy- body and spirit eternally united- is the pure and innocent blood of the Savior of this world. We cannot then say in ignorance or defiance, "Well, it's my life," or worse yet, "It's my body." It is not. "Ye are not your own," Paul said. "Ye are bought with a price."

May I suggest that human intimacy, that sacred, physical union ordained of God for a married couple, deals with a symbol that demands special sanctity. Such an act of love between a man and a woman is--or certainly was ordained to be--a symbol of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything. It is a symbol that we try to suggest in the temple with a word like seal.

But such a total, virtually unbreakable union, such an unyielding commitment between a man and a woman, can only come with the proximity and permanence afforded in a marriage covenant, with the union of all that they possess- their very hearts and minds, all their days and all their dreams. They work together, they cry together, they enjoy Brahms and Beethoven and breakfast together, they sacrifice and save and live together for all the abundance that such a totally intimate life provides such a couple.

As delicate as it is to mention in such a setting, I nevertheless trust your maturity to understand that physiologically we are created as men and women to fit together in such a union. In this ultimate physical expression of one man and one woman they are as nearly and as literally "one" as two separate physical bodies can ever be. It is in that act of ultimate physical intimacy we most nearly fulfill the commandment of the  Lord given to Adam and Eve, living symbols for all married couples, when he invited them to cleave unto one another only, and thus become "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).

That commandment cannot be fulfilled, and that symbolism of "one flesh" cannot be preserved, if we hastily and guiltily and surreptitiously share intimacy in a darkened corner of a darkened hour, then just as hastily and guiltily and surreptitiously retreat to our separate worlds- not to eat or live or cry or laugh together, not to do the laundry and the dishes and the homework, not to manage a budget and pay the bills and tend  the children and plan together for the future. No, we cannot do that until we are truly one- united, bound, linked,  tied, welded, sealed, married.

Can you see then the moral schizophrenia that comes from pretending we are one, sharing the physical symbols and physical intimacy of our union, but then fleeing, retreating, severing all such other aspects- and  symbols- of what was meant to be a total obligation?. . .

You must wait- you must wait until you can give everything, and you cannot give everything until  you are at least legally and, for Latter-day Saint purposes, eternally pronounced as one.

Sexual fragmentation can be particularly harmful because it gives powerful physiological rewards  which, though illusory, can temporarily persuade us to overlook the serious deficits in the overall relationship.  Two people may marry for physical gratification and then discover that the illusion of union collapses under the  weight of intellectual, social, and spiritual incompatibilities. . . .

The intense human intimacy that should be enjoyed in and symbolized by sexual union is counterfeited  by sensual episodes which suggest- but cannot deliver- acceptance, understanding, and love.

I have heard all my life that it is the young woman who has to assume the responsibility for  controlling the limits of intimacy in courtship because a young man cannot. What an unacceptable response to such  a serious issue! . . . To say that a young woman in such a relationship has to bear her responsibility and that of the young man's too is the least fair assertion I can imagine.

I do not excuse young women who exercise no restraint and have not the character or conviction  to demand intimacy only in its rightful role. I have had enough experience in Church callings to know that women  as well as men can be predatory.

Indeed, most tragically, it is the young woman who is most often the victim, it is the young  woman who most often suffers the greater pain, it is the young woman who most often feels used and abused and terribly  unclean. And for that imposed uncleanness a man will pay, as surely as the sun sets and rivers run to the sea.

Sexual intimacy is not only a symbolic union between a man and a woman- the uniting of their  very souls- but it is also symbolic of a union between mortals and deity, between otherwise ordinary and fallible  humans uniting for a rare and special moment with God himself and all the powers by which he gives life in this  wide universe of ours.

Why it is so right and rewarding and stunningly beautiful when it is within marriage and approved  of God, and so blasphemously wrong- like unto murder- when it is outside such a covenant? It is my understanding  that we park and pet and sleep over and sleep with at the peril of our very lives.

No one man [or woman], however brilliant or well-informed, can come in one lifetime to such fullness  of understanding as to safely judge and dismiss the customs or institutions of his society, for these are the wisdom  of generations after centuries of experiment in the laboratory of history. A youth boiling with hormones will wonder  why he should not give full freedom to his sexual desires; and if he is unchecked by custom, morals, or laws, he  may ruin his life [or hers] before he matures sufficiently to understand that sex is a river of fire that must  be banked and cooled by a hundred restraints if it is not to consume in chaos both the individual and the group.  (Will and Ariel Durant, The Lessons of History [New York: Simon and Schuster, 1968], pp. 35-36.)

Ezra Taft Benson, "To the Single Adult Brethren of the Church," Ensign,  May 1988, pp. 51-53 (excerpts)

. . . May I now say an additional word about an eternal opportunity and responsibility  to which I have referred earlier and which is of greatest importance to you. I am referring to celestial marriage.

Just a few weeks ago, I received a letter from two devoted parents, part of which reads as follows:

"Dear President Benson: We are concerned about what seems to be a growing problem--at least in this part  of the Church familiar to us--that is, so many choice young men in the Church over the age of thirty who are still  unmarried.

"We have sons thirty, thirty-one, and thirty-three in this situation. Many of our friends also are experiencing  this same concern for unmarried sons and daughters."

Their letter continues:

"In our experience these are usually young men who have been on missions, are well educated, and are living  the commandments (except this most important one). There does not appear to be a lack of choice young ladies in  the same age bracket who could make suitable companions.

"It is most frustrating to us, as their parents, who sometimes feel we have failed in our parental teachings  and guiding responsibilities." [end of letter]

My dear single adult brethren, we are also concerned. We want you to know that the position of the Church has  never changed regarding the importance of celestial marriage. It is a commandment of God. The Lord's declaration  in Genesis is still true: "And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone" (Genesis  2:18).

To obtain a fullness of glory and exaltation in the celestial kingdom, one must enter into this holiest of ordinances.

Without marriage, the purposes of the Lord would be frustrated. Choice spirits would be withheld from the experience  of mortality. And postponing marriage unduly often means limiting your posterity, and the time will come, brethren,  when you will feel and know that loss.

I can assure you that the greatest responsibility and the greatest joys in life are centered in the family,  honorable marriage, and rearing a righteous posterity. And the older you become, the less likely you are to marry,  and then you may lose these eternal blessings altogether.

President Spencer W. Kimball recounted an experience he once had:

"Recently I met a young returned missionary who is 35 years old. He had been home from his mission for  14 years and yet he was little concerned about his bachelor hood, and laughed about it.

"I shall feel sorry for this young man when the day comes that he faces the Great Judge at the throne and  when the Lord asks this boy: 'Where is your wife?' All of his excuses which he gave to his fellows on earth will  seem very light and senseless when he answers the Judge. 'I was very busy,' or 'I felt I should get my education  first,' or 'I did not find the right girl'--such answers will be hollow and of little avail. He knew he was commanded  to find a wife and marry her and make her happy. He knew it was his duty to become the father of children and provide  a rich, full life for them as they grew up. He knew all this, yet postponed his responsibility" ("The  Marriage Decision," Ensign, Feb. 1975, p. 2).

I realize that some of you brethren may have genuine fears regarding the real responsibilities that will be  yours if you do marry. You are concerned about being able to support a wife and family and provide them with the  necessities in these uncertain economic times. Those fears must be replaced with faith.

I assure you, brethren, that if you will be industrious, faithfully pay your tithes and offerings, and conscientiously  keep the commandments, the Lord will sustain you. Yes, there will be sacrifices required, but you will grow from  these and will be a better man for having met them.

Work hard educationally and in your vocation. Put your trust in the Lord, have faith, and it will work out.  The Lord never gives a commandment without providing the means to accomplish it (see 1 Nephi 3:7).

Also, do not be caught up in materialism, one of the real plagues of our generation--that is, acquiring things,  fast-paced living, and securing career success in the single state.

Honorable marriage is more important than wealth, position, and status. As husband and wife, you can achieve  your life's goals together. As you sacrifice for each other and your children, the Lord will bless you, and your  commitment to the Lord and your service in His kingdom will be enhanced.

Now, brethren, do not expect perfection in your choice of a mate. Do not be so particular that you overlook  her most important qualities of having a strong testimony, living the principles of the gospel, loving home, wanting  to be a mother in Zion, and supporting you in your priesthood responsibilities.

Of course, she should be attractive to you, but do not just date one girl after another for the sole pleasure  of dating without seeking the Lord's confirmation in your choice of your eternal companion.

And one good yardstick as to whether a person might be the right one for you is this: in her presence, do you  think your noblest thoughts, do you aspire to your finest deeds, do you wish you were better than you are?

God bless you single adult brethren of the Church. May your priorities be right. I have suggested some very  important priorities this evening. May you seriously consider and ponder them.

Know, my good brethren, that I have spoken from my heart and by His Spirit because of my love and concern for  you. It is what the Lord would have you hear today. With all my heart I echo the words of the prophet Lehi from  the Book of Mormon, "Arise from the dust, my sons, and be men" (2 Nephi 1:21).
 

Paul R. Warner, "The Faith to Marry," Ensign, July 1987, pp. 68-71 (excerpts)

My work in Church education has kept me close to men and women of marrying age. Over the years,  I have watched with interest the process of dating, courtship, and marriage. Generally, I find that women want  to find husbands, but many do little dating. Those I've talked with were extremely concerned about marriage. On  the other hand, many of the male returned missionaries--two, three, four, or more years after their missions--have  not been earnestly seeking a marriage companion. . . .

Many returned missionaries wrote [in a survey] that one obstacle to finding a marriage partner  was that women now want to accomplish more before marriage and thus postpone marriage for a few years. Other comments  about how parents, leaders, and teachers affected their attitudes about marriage were quite revealing:

"Finding a marriage partner is difficult because of all the 'hype' in our LDS society about  getting married. After feeling as if I should get married, trying to force a marriage with a girl I didn't love  and having panic and disorder result from the breakup, I realized that marriage is not the solution to a young  man's problems. We should emphasize solving our problems before we get married."

"Marriage is a goal that I am striving to meet, but past family experience has given  me worries as to my adequacy."

"Marriage is attractive yet frightening. It must be wonderful, but I have known so many  people who have made mistakes in choosing a partner that I'm afraid I could learn to resent or even hate someone  I thought I had loved before."

"Marriage is supposed to be a wonderful institution, but it looks like a lot of work. It  is appealing, in a way, to not date and thus avoid the responsibility of looking for a marriage partner. This,  for me, is largely a result of fear about marriage. Sometimes married couples don't look very happy to me, and  that worries me."

In spite of these fears, returned missionaries are encouraged to seek a wife. "Every person  should want to be married," said Elder Spencer W. Kimball. "There are some who might not be able to,  but every person should want to be married because that is what God in heaven planned for us. . . .

"Missionaries should begin to think marriage when they return from their missions. . . .  There seems to be an increasing number who abandon the idea of marriage. . . .

"There will be many excuses, of course: 'I could not support a wife and go to college.'  . . . 'I thought it would be proper to wait a few years for my marriage and my children.' What the Lord will say  to these excuses we can only imagine. We are sure he will at least say, 'You have not placed first things first.'"  (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982, pp. 291-92.)

Returned missionaries who struggle with marriage fears need the power of faith in order to build  confidence in marriage relationships. . . .

Elder Boyd K. Packer said this about choosing a marriage companion:

"While I am sure some young couples have some special guidance in getting together, I do not believe in predestined love. If you desire the inspiration of the Lord in this crucial decision, you must live  the standards of the Church, and you must pray constantly for the wisdom to recognize those qualities upon which  a successful union may be based. You must do the choosing, rather than to seek for some one-and-only so-called  soul mate, chosen for you by someone else and waiting for you." (Packer, p. 11.)

"How do you choose a wife?" Elder Bruce R. McConkie asked. "I've heard a lot of  young people from Brigham Young University and elsewhere say, 'I've got to get a feeling of inspiration. I've got  to get some revelation. I've got to fast and pray and get the Lord to manifest to me whom I should marry.' Well,  maybe it will be a little shock to you, but never in my life did I ever ask the Lord whom I ought to marry. It  never occurred to me to ask him. I went out and found the girl I wanted; she suited me; I evaluated and weighed  the proposition, and it just seemed a hundred percent to me as though this ought to be. Now, if I'd done things  perfectly, I'd have done some counseling with the Lord, which I didn't do; but all I did was pray to the Lord and  ask for some guidance and direction in connection with the decision I'd reached." ("Agency or Inspiration--Which?"  Speeches of the Year, Provo: Brigham Young University Press, 1973, p. 111.)

Victor L. Brown, Jr., "Reluctant to Marry," Ensign, April 1992, pp.  44-47 (excerpts)

Overcoming normal fears can help one prepare for eternal marriage.

There are many reasons why members of the Church are single. Some people are willing to marry  and yearn for an opportunity to love, be loved, and begin a family. Some have been so badly wounded by such things  as abuse in childhood or marital troubles ending in divorce that marriage or remarriage terrifies them. Others  may lack the physical or mental health required to enter into marriage. But some quite simply are reluctant to  do what is necessary to marry and establish a family. It is those members, struggling with normal fears and apprehensions,  that I would like to address.

Since Joseph Smith, the Lord's prophets have encouraged loving and supportive marriage relationships.  Our living prophet, President Ezra Taft Benson, has continued that admonition. To the single men in the Church,  he counseled, "Do not be caught up in materialism, one of the real plagues of our generation--that is, acquiring  things, fast paced living, and securing career success in the single state. . . . Honorable marriage is more important  than wealth, position, and status." (ENSIGN, May, 1988, p. 53.)

To the single sisters President Benson said, "I would also caution you . . . not to become  so independent and self-reliant that you decide marriage isn't worth it and you can do just as well on your own.  Some of our sisters indicate that they do not want to consider marriage until after they have completed their degrees  or pursed a career. This is not right. . . . Our priorities are right when we realize there is no higher calling  than to be an honorable wife and mother." (ENSIGN, Nov. 1988, p. 97.)

What perplexes me as a stake president is that many of those who are reluctant to marry are active  members of the Church and are decent, honorable men and women. They strive to live the gospel and follow the counsel  of the prophet and other leaders. I believe their reluctance to marry often can be attributed to factors or attitudes  that immobilize them. Among these factors are fear of marriage, other priorities, and lack of relationship skills.  . . .

Priorities of money, education, career, and even "freedom to enjoy life" come perilously  close to selfishness and pride. If a person's first goals are self-serving, he or she inevitably will be cautious  about marrying, because to marry is to become other-serving.

This is what is so detrimental about misunderstanding what is meant by self-reliance. It is unwise  to always delay marrying so one can reach a vocational or financial or emotional status of independence.

There are no such mortal conditions as perfect self-reliance, independence, and freedom from  need. Even the richest, most educated, most emotionally secure person must, in the gospel plan, invest himself  in the well-being of others, the ultimate investment being in the family, in order to bring about a sense of personal  security and self-worth through personal contribution to the welfare of others.

Our Exemplar is Jesus Christ. He is perfectly educated, absolutely emotionally secure and is  the owner of all creation. His highest priority, his work, his glory, is "to bring to pass the immortality  and eternal life of man." (Moses 1:39.) How does a follower of Christ justify priorities that are only self-focused  when his Savior has the salvation of all mankind as his highest priority?

From self-focus grows an insidious priority. It is the priority of seeking the flawless mate.  This is not the silly process of looking for a pretty face or muscular physique. It is the process of seeking or  waiting for a complete, mature, fully formed potential mate to appear in one's life. Few things bode more ill for  the future than these attitudes that prevent a man and woman who are in love from investing eternally in each other.  Along with rearing children, the great adventure of marriage is to grow together. Among a person's highest priorities  ought to be the exhilaration of investing in the growth of his or her beloved partner in eternal marriage.

Obviously, this is quite a different thing from entering into marriage with someone who will  not revere the covenants and ordinances of the gospel and who has no love for the Savior. That type of union brings  only the promise of sorrow and heartbreak. . . .

There is no more intimidating decision in life than whether to marry. It is not abnormal to feel  cautious about it. In fact, to be oblivious to its significance can lead to some amazing surprises. But the command  and counsel of the Lord to "multiply and replenish the earth" and that man is not without the woman nor  woman without the man in the Lord should lead us all to do all we can to be worthy to fulfill the Lord's directions.

While there are usually reasons why a person is reluctant to marry, generally speaking, the solution  is not to avoid marriage. That only denies a man or woman life's deepest enjoyments and casts aside God's greatest  gifts. Making the decision to marry may take courage. It usually takes faith. It always takes prayer. But it's  a wonderful opportunity, when approved by the Spirit, to step forward and receive more of a loving Father's blessings.

Jonn D. Claybaugh, "Faith in Every Footstep to the Altar," BYU Seventh Stake  Conference, 12 October 1997 (excerpts)

A few weeks ago my wife gave me a cartoon she had cut out of the newspaper. It shows a man and  a woman sitting across from each other at a table in a restaurant. They are holding hands across the table. He  has an intense look on his face as he looks her in the eye and says, "I want you. I need you. I love you.  I think."

And that's just what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about the great need in the Church,  in this stake, for men and women to work toward the great goal of loving someone enough to go to the temple together  to be married. I have prayed about what topic I should address today, and have felt somewhat inspired. . . .

Speaking of those who fail to take upon themselves eternal marriage (when they have the opportunity  to do so), the Lord said the following: "Therefore when they are out of the world they neither marry nor are  given in marriage; but are appointed angels in heaven, which angels are ministering servants, to minister for those  who are worthy of a far more, and an exceeding, and an eternal weight of glory. For these angels did not abide  my law; therefore, they cannot be enlarged, but remain separately and singly, without exaltation, in their saved  condition, to all eternity; and from henceforth are not gods, but are angels of God forever and ever." (D&C  132:16-17.)

I strongly believe that it is Heavenly Father's will that all of his children have a full opportunity  to enter into temple marriage. After all, our Heavenly Father's work and glory is to bring to pass the immortality  and eternal life of all of his children. But without eternal marriage there is no eternal life, meaning "exaltation."  Unfortunately, some of his children reject temple marriage, even though they may have ample opportunity to seek  out and enter into that blessing. Also unfortunately, some who would willingly accept this blessing, if it came,  do not receive such an opportunity in this life. They are promised that they will receive this blessing in the  Millennium. That may or may not be sufficient consolation for some.

If I were to ask the average returned missionary if he plans to get married, I am quite confident  he would answer with an emphatic "Yes!" But then my follow-up question would be, "And what is your  plan?" I fear he may not be able to give me his step-by-step plan for accomplishing this lofty goal. I would  want to know, "What are you doing, specifically, to make this goal become reality?"

Perhaps we should think more about setting and achieving goals in this area. How many of you  are planning to serve a full-time mission in your near future? I bet that we could sit down with any one of you  and ask you "What is your plan?" You would tell us about your timing; when you plan to go on your mission,  as well as all the things you have done and are doing and will do to prepare you for the day you enter the MTC.  A person doesn't just go on a mission one day because he woke up and decided to go. He or she has planned, often  for years, how to go about it. Why should it be any different for your great goal of temple marriage? Granted,  it may not be reasonable to set a goal for when it will happen (although our 33-year old stake executive secretary  did so this last spring; resulting in an August marriage), but what are you doing that will move you in that direction?  When was the last time you fasted about your temple marriage? Do you ever pray fervently for the Lord's guidance  to the fulfillment of this goal? Do you keep yourself one-hundred percent worthy to hear the whisperings of the  Spirit in what you should do? Are you actively doing the things that will logically lead you to the temple with  your spouse?

How would a person behave who has it as his or her highest goal, to find an eternal mate? Again,  marriage doesn't just happen to you; it is something you accomplish because you set about to do so. I  won't tell you what goals to set or what behaviors to adapt; you just settle in your minds and hearts that Heavenly  Father wants you to be married, and then decide what you will do so that you can accomplish it. I'm sorry that there seems to be a negative view of those who have as their first and foremost goal in Provo, to find a spouse.  What's wrong with that? I am not saying that you sisters should not pursue your education; I feel quite strongly  that you should obtain all the education and training you possibly can, along with accomplishing other important  things at this time of your lives. But when you, brothers and sisters, place those other important goals ahead  of temple marriage, you may be pushing aside the opportunities and the efforts which could lead you to the temple  altar. And that is when I believe you have gotten your priorities askew.

Would you believe that a few weeks ago I shared some of these sentiments in an elders quorum  meeting that I attended in this stake, and the overwhelming response I got from the elders was this: "Amen,  President, and would you please go say those same things to the sisters next door in Relief Society!"

I cannot speak for you, but I will say this about myself: marriage compelled me to get a life.  I was home from my mission 13 months when I met Judy. We became engaged about four months later, and we were married  about four more months after that. Our first child was born 13 months after our marriage. I finally finished my  bachelor's degree five years after we were married, and finished my master's degree three years after that. By  that time we had three children and I was 30 years old.

I am not in any way suggesting that this is a pattern for anybody else to follow. Looking back  I know there are some things Judy and I would do differently. But I will repeat this: marriage made me get a life.  Suddenly I was responsible for another soul, temporally and spiritually, and 13 months later another one still.  When I wanted to skip class and go to the beach, I had a wife and a child and a future to think about instead.  Suddenly all our decisions took on a significance and a perspective that we did not possess previously. Sleeping  in in the morning, or skipping Church meetings, or spending money on stereos or music or a car, or what to do in  school or for work (and a thousand other issues), were all decisions that were suddenly newly-impacted by our status  in life, meaning our family status, and they have been so impacted ever since, and I say Praise the Lord for it!  Our marriage isn't perfect, mostly because I am not perfect, but I can say that my marriage to Judy, when I was  22 years old and she was 19, has been the greatest single influencing factor for good (excepting the gospel itself),  in what she and I have done and have become in life.

I am not in any way setting myself up as an example in any of these things, regarding how to  go about them. I am simply saying that our temple marriage has been the greatest thing for me, and for us. . .  .

I'd like to close with a brief story. When I was teaching institute in California there was a  young man named Jim who never missed a class. He came from a broken family who were members of the Church but had  basically rejected the Gospel. He was brought into activity by friends. He was preparing for a mission and seemed  to love to come to institute class. In fact he always came at least 30 minutes early, and would come into my office  as I was trying to do last-minute lesson preparation. I learned that I had to be prepared before Jim showed up.  Toward the end of the year he received his mission call. The night of our last class he came early as usual, and  said to me, "You know, Brother Claybaugh, the reason I always come early for class?" I thought he might  say it was because he loved my teaching, but his answer was this: "It's because I just love to sit in your  office and stare at that photo you have there of your wife and children. A family like that is the biggest goal  I have in life, and it just inspires me to look at that family picture; because that is exactly what I want."  Way to go, Jim.

Truly, as Paul said, "Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the  man, in the Lord." (1 Corinthians 11:11.) I now want to embarrass my family by asking them to stand. I can't  express to you in words the love and affection I feel for Judy and for Cami, Kimberly, Timothy, Todd, Cara, and  Jonathan. They give me true purpose in life, and they mean everything to me. Brothers and Sisters, there is my  kingdom. Now you go out and get yours!

Jonn D. Claybaugh, "Dating: A Time to Become Best Friends," Ensign,  April 1994, pp. 18-21

Courtship is a time to discover who you and your partner really are--and how to nourish  your relationship

Sitting near the end of a parade once, my family was thrilled to see President Ezra Taft Benson  step out of a car that had just completed the parade route. We watched as President Benson slowly made his way  around to open the car's other door. Taking his wife, Flora, by the hand, he assisted her out, and they walked  arm in arm to a seat in the viewing stand. We were all inspired by their obvious love for each other.

How did the Bensons develop their strong relationship? The process started during their courtship.  President Benson's biographer tells us that during this time, they "talked for hours, exploring their feelings  about a future together. . . . The more they talked, the more comfortable they felt with each other." The  prophet himself describes it this way: "'There was so much to tell and we seemed to enjoy each other so very  much. . . . It was a perfect courtship during which I discovered in Flora a great character and a rare combination  of virtues'" (Sheri L. Dew, Ezra Taft Benson, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1987, p. 88). The  Bensons' courtship stretched over seven years, more than four of which they spent apart, writing letters.
 

On the other hand, Scott and Pamela met a few months after Scott returned from his mission. They  were instantly attracted to each other. After a whirlwind courtship, they married in a beautiful temple ceremony.  Soon Pamela was expecting their first child and quit her job due to poor health, which meant that Scott had to  drop out of college and look for a full-time job. As well suited to each other as the couple had felt they were,  they felt overwhelmed by the stresses of married life, and their relationship began to deteriorate.

Part of Scott and Pamela's problem was that they had not properly built an enduring friendship  before marriage, a friendship that could help keep their relationship stable after marriage, even in the midst  of challenges. Elder Spencer W. Kimball wrote: "The successful marriage depends in large measure upon the  preparation made in approaching it. . . . One cannot pick the ripe, rich, luscious fruit from a tree that was never  planted, nurtured, nor pruned" (The Miracle of Forgiveness, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1969, p. 242).

Before entering the temple to be sealed, a man and a woman must build an inspired foundation  of friendship and compatibility. Dating can help build this foundation; but unless participated in wisely, dating  can also prove disastrous. While each couple's courtship will be different, here are several areas of building  a friendship that Judy and I considered while we were preparing for our marriage. Perhaps other individuals who  are approaching--or already in the middle of--a marriage-oriented relationship could consider these ideas as well.  Because courtship should continue throughout marriage, spouses too can benefit by seeking to strengthen and renew  their friendships with their partners.

Courtship Requires Time

A well-known maxim recommends longer courtship’s followed by shorter engagements. Elder Hugh B.  Brown concurs: "Infatuation may be romantic, glamorous, thrilling, and even urgent, but genuine love should  not be in a hurry. . . . Time should be taken for serious thought, and opportunity given for [each partner to gain]  physical, mental, and spiritual maturity. Longer acquaintances will enable both to evaluate themselves and their  proposed companions, to know each other's likes and dislikes, habits and dispositions, aptitudes and aspirations"  (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 27, 34).

Building a strong premarital friendship requires spending sufficient time with each other and  finding opportunities for interaction. I know of couples who spent almost their entire engagement separated because  of work or school. Similarly, some couples count a partner's years on a mission as courtship time. Although time  apart can provide valuable perspective, long-distance romances can't replace face-to-face interaction even if a  couple spends a fortune on postage. Relationships and individuals change too quickly and too subtly to be monitored  and influenced from afar.

When I first dated my wife, Judy, I was preparing to leave for college within a month. I did  leave, but I felt that our budding relationship was too promising to abandon--so I returned home to enroll in a  local school and continue our courtship. Looking back, I'm glad I did, because I now see that although we felt  right for each other, we needed time to prepare to live together in marriage.

During our courtship, Judy and I spent little money on dates because we received our greatest  enjoyment from conversation and simple activities. We talked endlessly of school and careers, of each other's families  and upbringing, of our individual hopes and expectations for marriage, and of our feelings about children and parenthood.  We attended Church meetings and activities together and sometimes shared our courtship time with friends or family  members. We found it truly exciting just to be in each other's company.

Sometimes either one partner or both partners in a dating relationship begin to feel urgency  to rush toward marriage before they know anything about each other. A feeling of urgency early in a relationship  can sometimes be a red flag. It does not necessarily mean that your partner is the wrong person, but it does signal  a need to stand back and perhaps investigate other alternatives. We must not be in a hurry, acting on impulse and  emotion alone.

Courtship Requires Effort and Restraint

Best friends who marry are likely to find joy and fulfillment together through all seasons of  life. From the time of their courtship’s, such couples have learned how to give constant, conscious nourishment  to their relationships.

Courtship requires effort and creativity. Too often our modern world suggests expensive and elaborate  dating activities. But depth and meaning emerge in a relationship only when two people converse, exploring each  other's feelings and aspirations and sharing concerns and perspectives. This kind of growth best occurs during  simple, wholesome activities. After one of his first dates with his future wife, David O. McKay, later President  of the Church, wrote in his journal: "Took a ride over on South hills. Saw purple [mountains] at sunset. Very  beautiful. . . . Went strolling with [Emma Ray]. Told each other secrets. A memorable night!" His sweetheart  added: "Yes, and we held hands all the way home" (David Laurence McKay, My Father, David O. McKay,  Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1989, p. 2).

There is another challenge common to courtship’s: curbing the desire for premature romantic involvement  is an important part of building a strong friendship during dating. Besides being contrary to the commandments  of God, physical intimacy before marriage also blocks the development of true friendship. Even the early stages  of physical expression of romance can eclipse the mental and spiritual aspects of a relationship and thus halt  its progress. This part of love comes after friendship and marriage. Alma 38:12 admonishes: "See that ye bridle  all your passions, that ye may be filled with love." Despite what the world teaches, the highest forms of  love are inspired by the Spirit, not by hormones.

Bruce C. Hafen has compared relationships between men and women to a pyramid. The base of the  pyramid is friendship, and the ascending layers include building blocks such as understanding, respect, and restraint.  At the very top is what he terms a "glittering little mystery called romance." If one tries to stand  the pyramid on its point, expecting romance to hold everything else up, the pyramid will fall ("The Gospel  and Romantic Love," Ensign, Oct. 1982, p. 67).

Courtship Requires Inspiration

We should be prayerful in all that we do, but courtship is a particularly important time to receive  the Lord's inspiration. After all, choosing our marriage partner is one of the most vital, far-reaching decisions  we make in our mortal lives. The Lord can help us make the right choice. Through his Spirit, he will reveal the  truth of a relationship to us as we allow sufficient time and exercise our faith.

Some people expect the Lord to provide a dramatic revelation about their eternal mate, but what  usually happens is that as we drop our defenses and communicate with a potential spouse, we experience subtle,  ongoing spiritual promptings about the relationship.

Inspiration can come only when we are honest with ourselves, our potential mates, and the Lord.  When we first date somebody, we may try to mask our faults and make ourselves as appealing as possible. To develop  an honest relationship, however, we must move beyond superficial appearances and allow our true selves to emerge.  Likewise, we need to be careful to avoid hero-worshipping a potential mate; we should not allow our hopes and expectations  to color the truth about him or her. When marriage is a possibility, dating partners should constantly assess how  much real potential they have for harmony, conformity, and union.

Denying the Lord's inspiration and our own intuition can have disastrous results. Dr. Craig Horton,  a marriage and family therapist in southern California, conducted an informal, unpublished survey among couples  whose marriages had failed. When asked what had gone wrong, most of the participants cited a major flaw in the  spouse's character or some insurmountable difference. What surprised Brother Horton was that virtually all participants  reported having sensed these flaws or differences before marriage, yet they had relied upon romance and love to  overcome them. The saying is true: Keep your eyes wide open during courtship and half-closed after the wedding.

We can know if a relationship is good by judging its fruits. Is the friendship deepening as the  partners share and develop mutual interests, desires, goals, and values? Doctrine and Covenants 88:40 describes  a successful relationship: "Intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom receiveth wisdom; truth embraceth  truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light."

Every courtship is different, and every one of us must seek the Lord's guidance as we move toward  marriage and seek to know what is right for us.

I'll never forget the feeling that came over me as I walked up the steps of the Los Angeles Temple  on the morning Judy and I were to be married: I knew our marriage was right. Ever since, I have thanked Heavenly  Father for my best friend. Our friendship began during courtship and still continues to grow.

Burton C. Kelly, "A True and Sufficient Love," Ensign, February 1979,  pp. 47-49 (excerpts)

When I first met Mike and Elaine, I knew right away that they meant a lot to each other. As they  spoke to me in my office, I could also tell that they were a serious, concerned couple challenged by one of life's  most important decisions. There was a trace of anxiety in their voices. "Yes, we love each other," they  said, "but is our love true and sufficient for eternal marriage?" Both had asked this question, discussed  it at some length, and prayed about it. Mike said he was relatively certain that Elaine was the one for him, but  Elaine wasn't as sure. How was she to know? Elaine was afraid of making a mistake on this most important decision.

While they had come from relatively happy homes, both Mike and Elaine knew people with very unhappy  marriages, among them some of their own close friends. These were people who had married, full of love, only to  find marriage a most difficult state. One of Elaine's friends, married in the temple, had said, "I knew the  day after my marriage that I had made a terrible mistake." A friend of Mike's had related how his wife had  left him three weeks after their temple marriage and how they had later been divorced. Elaine therefore thought  her qualms had substance.

On the other hand, they both had friends who said, "My marriage is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me"; "I have never had any regrets about my marriage"; and "I thought  we were in love when we got married, but now our love is so much greater there is no comparison." . . .

They both agreed that the only way they could know for sure was to receive a confirmation from  the Holy Ghost. Elaine asked, "How will I know that I have really studied it out adequately in my own mind?  How can I know that I have really done my part so that I can approach the Lord, knowing he will tell me whether  my decision is correct?"

I assured them that their question was a common one, faced by virtually all young couples at  some time during their dating and courtship. I also commended them for their care in making the decision. I suggested  that we consider the following twelve questions as guidelines for the answer:

1. Are you better people when you are with each other? Does each of you inspire the other to  do his best in studies, jobs, church callings, and other significant responsibilities? Or do you both live below  your standards and ideals when you are together? . . .

2. Does either of you want to date anyone else? If so, you are not yet prepared to give yourself  fully to the other. You are not really prepared to live the commandment of the Lord: "Thou shalt love thy  wife [husband] with all thy heart and shall cleave unto her [him] and none else." (D&C 42:22.) The total  commitment necessary in marriage is not possible as long as you are interested in dating someone else. This does  not mean that you may not admire persons of the opposite sex or be impressed by them. But it does mean that you  will not have a romantic interest in them.

3. Do you truly enjoy each other's company? Or do you just enjoy each other when you are doing  things you like to do? A hallmark of true love is enjoying the companionship of the other person regardless of  the particular activity of the moment. The joy need not come from the activity but just from being together and  sharing with each other. The companionship of each other is the primary source of satisfaction, not the activity.

4. Do you feel better about yourself when you are with him or her? Do you feel like a person  of true worth, a child of God? Few things in life have more impact on what we become than what we think of ourselves.  Our concept of ourselves as persons of true worth and our identity as children of God are critical. Do you help  one another to have more self-esteem, or do you tend to find fault with each other? It is certainly appropriate  to encourage each other to improve, but this should be done in a spirit of love. If either of you tends to focus  on the other's failings, your love for each other is in question. . . .

5. Are his or her needs as important to you as your own? Do you each find yourself continually  looking for appropriate ways to make the other happy? Or are you each seeking your own happiness and interests  without first considering those of the other? True love "seeketh not her own." (1 Cor. 13:5.)

6. Are you each free to be yourself when you are together or must you always be on guard? Do you need to hide what you really are? Or are you confident that you are fully accepted and loved? . . .

This freedom also means that each conscience is clear. If one of you has had a serious transgression  in the past that you have not fully repented of, you are not prepared to enter marriage. You cannot truly accept  another without fully accepting yourself. Nor can you fully give of yourself when the barrier of guilt exists.

7. Are you prepared to marry the family of your prospective mate? While you may think that you  only marry one person, in a real sense, you marry into a whole family. The parents of your mate become the grandparents  of your children. Do you each feel good about that-and the influence they will have on your children? Even when  separated by wide distances, there is still significant involvement with each other's families.

Do both of your families support you in your decision to get married and will they support you  in future decisions? Unresolved conflicts with one or both sets of parents will place added strains on your relationship.

8. How do you each treat your own parents? Do you respect them as individuals and respect their  position and authority? It is likely that you will treat each other the same way you each treat members of your  own family.

9. How does each of you feel about the other being a parent of your children? Mike, will Elaine  be the type of mother that you really wish for your children? And will you want your children to be like her-because  they probably will be. Of course, Elaine, you will need to ask the same question about Mike as the father of your  children. Are you each now, or are you becoming, the type of individuals that you would be happy to have your children  become? Have you discussed your goals for parenthood? And do you both agree upon and accept the gospel plan of  bringing children into your home?

10. Do you each accept the patriarchal order? For you, Elaine, is Mike the type of priesthood  bearer that you really trust? Are you willing to counsel together in love, but if necessary, abide by his counsel  in righteousness and follow him in a spirit of genuine willingness? Does Mike seek your opinion on issues involving  both of you? Can you call upon him in full faith and confidence to give you a special blessing when you desire?  Is Mike honoring his priesthood so that he will be able to bless your children in times of illness or other needs?

For Mike: Do you fully obey your priesthood leaders in all righteousness? Are you willing to  set a model of obedience to them for Elaine and your future children? Do you love and respect her enough that you  give careful consideration to her ideas and feelings and make all possible decisions together? Are you willing  to follow her ideas when they seem more inspired and correct than your own? . . .

11. What will your destiny together be? Your potential destiny is that of god and goddess. If  each of you continues to progress as you are now, is godhood likely? Will your prospective mate help you to achieve  that great destiny? Do you both accept the law of perfection and the principle of eternal progression? Does each  of you see the other as becoming perfect? . . .

At this point you may be wondering if all of these criteria carry equal weight. Must all of them  be answered in the affirmative for you to feel confident in your decision? My experiences with many couples suggest  that they are all important. Most of them are more than important; they are critical. However, this does not mean  that they are all equally important, and perhaps if one or two of them are not fully met, the deficit is not insurmountable.  You will need to consider the risk and decide.

The final guideline, number twelve, is all-important: after carefully considering the foregoing  questions and then reaching a decision, have you had your decision confirmed by the Lord? . . .

One of the problems that many young people have in going to the Lord for confirmation is that they want the Lord to give them only the answer they want rather than his answer. To receive an answer, a person  must approach the Lord with a truly open mind and a willingness to accept whatever the Lord says. With this attitude,  you will be prepared to hear and heed the Lord's counsel.

You may be wondering how your decision will be confirmed by the Holy Ghost. Will there be some  dramatic witness such as a dream, vision or voice? In some cases, yes, but in most, probably no. . . .