“I raise you 3 scalloped potatoes,” said BJ.
“I see your 3 scalloped potatoes, and I raise you a pork chop,” said Herbie.
“OH? You do, eh? I call. What do you have?”
“A royal toilet flush. Beat that, BJ!” Herbie snickered.
“Aw, poo. The best cards I have are these two jokers and the instruction card,” BJ said downheartedly.
“HAH! You lose! I get your soul!” Herbie laughed maniacally.
“What?” BJ screamed. “We never agreed to anything along those lines!”
“Huh? Oh. I meant dinner. I get your dinner, and 5 bucks.”
“Nuts.” BJ and Herbie were playing poker for their supper. BJ had lost all his money and all of his food except for 3 lima beans, which he didn’t eat anyway. He poked them with his fork, then flicked them at Herbie.
“HEY! Quit it, you jerk!” Herbie shouted, as he crammed pork chops into his gaping mouth. “I won that game fair and square!” Herbie did feel a tad bit sorry for BJ, so he gave him a pork chop.
“I don’t need your crummy pork chop,” BJ said defiantly.
“It’s ok BJ, this one didn’t fall on the floor. I gave that one to Dad.”
“Hooh?” Phil looked up from the pork chop that Herbie gave him.
“Nothing, Dad.”
“OK! CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP!” BJ ate his pork chop too. Herbie didn’t even care that BJ had failed to say thank you, because he was now fast asleep in his potatoes.
“I think that it is time for bed,” Fran said.
“I agree,” BJ and Phil said in unison. It was only five o clock, but they were all pooped from the previous night’s rowdy Scrabble game. Things got out of hand after BJ attempted to use the word ‘kwyjibo.’ Everyone had been chugging a couple Cream Sodas, so their judgment was a little bit blurred. A good old fashioned Scrabble fight broke out, but nobody really got hurt. (After all, they were only throwing Scrabble pieces.)
The next day, as Herbie was walking into school, he dropped his Curious George lunchbox. As he was bending over to pick it up, he felt a swift kick in the butt. He was knocked off his feet, and landed face first into the Janitor’s mop. He heard raucous laughter from behind. He got up, dusted himself off, and slowly turned around. He saw the meanest looking, most audacious, disturbingly scary weasel in a pinstripe suit with a tipped hat that you’ve ever seen. In fact, he’s the only weasel in a pinstripe suit with a tipped hat you’ve ever seen. The weasel had a fish in his mouth, with billows of smoke emanating from it. “You’re smoking salmon!” Herbie exclaimed. “That kills brain cells, you know.”
“Yeah, I know. I may smoke salmon, but I don’t inhale,” the weasel replied.
“You’re a bad egg,” said Herbie.
“No I’m not. I’m just misunderstood.” the weasel replied.
“Then why do you have all those sharp and pointy weapons in your pocket?”
“Uh, protection.”
“Then why do you have a tattoo of a skull that has the words, “BORN TO BE BAD” on your shoulder?”
“OK!! So maybe I am bad. A bad weasel. An evil weasel. Skanky the evil weasel. Skanky the evil weasel who doesn’t like boll weevils who paint on easels and needs appeasal! So give me your lunch money.”
“Why?”
“Cuz’ I’m an evil weasel who needs appeasal and that’s what I do.”
“But I have no lunch money. I brought a lunch today. See?” Herbie said as he pointed to his Curious George lunch box.
“AWW! Well you gotta give me something!” Skanky barked.
“Well...” Herbie said as he reached in his pocket. “I have these coupons for 30¢ off a 72 oz box of Shake and Bake. How about them?”
“Hmm. How about I cram ‘em down your throat, you little puke!”
“Okay...oh! I got it! I could give you my emergency money, but it is for emergencies only.”
“Well, Herbie. Think about it. If I don’t receive any moolah from you, there will be an emergency, so you had better hand over the dough.”
“I’m convinced.” Herbie handed Skanky the money, and ran for class.
When Herbie got home, he told BJ what happened, and BJ was enraged. BJ said to Herbie, “How could this boy do that to you?”
“Actually, it was a weasel. An evil weasel. His name is Skanky”
“Oh no. It’s just as I feared.”
“What’s as you feared?” Herbie inquired.
“I have this uncanny fear of short, furry evil things. I call it Folliclophobia. It all started as a boy, when a ferret bit me. My friends made fun of me and joked that someday the ferret would come back to eat the rest of me. This is it. The ferret is back.”
“What? This is a WEASEL, not a FERRET!”
“I see...” BJ replied. “So...there’s a difference?”
“YES! You idiot! A weasel and a ferret are totally different animals! Didn’t you ever read the Wind in the Willows?” Herbie scolded BJ. “Moron.”
“Oh.” BJ went with Herbie to school the nest day, to straighten out this Skanky character. While Herbie was getting ready for his next class, BJ was talking with Skanky. They made a peace treaty, and then started chatting. The chatting led to talk about Scrabble, and who was better. Then, the inevitable happened. BJ challenged Skanky to a game of Scrabble, and so they sat down and started playing. It ended up with Skanky chasing BJ out of the school, yelling, “Kwyjibo isn’t a word, you simple-minded nincompoop!” BJ’s Folliclophobia had become worse than ever due to the Scrabble incident. He decided to rent some videos to cure him. The movies he rented included ‘Weasel Wars: Return of the Weasel,’ ‘The Weasel, the Witch, and the Wardrobe,’ ‘WT: the Weasel Terrestrial,’ ‘Jurassic Weasel,’ and ‘A Weasel Christmas Carol.’ BJ was now completely cured of his Folliclophobia, but he now had a bad case of Ohcrapiforgottoreturnthosedangvideosophobia, the fear of not returning video rentals on time and being charged double.
BJ turned into Bad Joke Man, and told Herbie to dress accordingly for weasel - hunting season, (so as not to arouse suspicion in his parents who were oblivious to the fact that their sons were super heroes.) When Herbie came out in full hunting gear, BJ (in Bad Joke Man costume) bopped him on the head. “You simpleton! Go change into Super Herbie, because we’re going to kick Skanky’s sorry little weasel butt!”
“Ohh. Sorry, BJM.” Herbie put on his cape and mask, and they were all ready to go.
“To the Jokemobile, Super Herbie!” Bad Joke Man and Super Herbie hopped onto a tandem bike, and sped off towards school. They stepped inside, and looked around. “I don’t see anything,” Bad Joke Man remarked. Then they saw him. Skanky was lying on the floor with a bad nose bleed.
“It got me...” he groaned.
“What got you?” Bad Joke Man asked.
“Big...rabid...monkey...kicked the...living...smoked salmon out of me...” Skanky mumbled.
“Wha?” Bad Joke Man and Super Herbie then turned around and saw the rabid monkey. But, they gave it some banana - flavored Skittles© and everything was fine. They took Skanky to a correctional facility, and he was made considerably less evil through extensive mental treatment.