A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE
'Home on the Range'
NEVER KICK A COW CHIP ON A HOT DAY.
DON'T SQUAT WITH YOUR SPURS ON.
THE EASIEST WAY TO EAT CROW IS WHILE IT'S STILL WARM...
THE COLDER IT GETS, THE HARDER IT IS TO SWALLER.
DON'T INTERFERE WITH SOMETHING THAT AIN'T BOTHERIN' YOU NONE.
TIMING HAS A LOT TO DO WITH THE OUT COME OF A RAINDANCE.
IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A HOLE,
THE FIRST THING TO DO IS STOP DIGGIN'.
NEVER ASK A BARBER IF YOU NEED A HAIRCUT.
IF IT DON'T SEEM LIKE IT'S WORTH THE EFFORT, IT PROBABLY AIN'T.
THE BIGGEST TROUBLE MAKER YOU'LL PROBABLY EVER
HAVE TO DEAL WITH WATCHES YOU
SHAVE HIS FACE IN THE MIRROR EVERY MORNING.
IF YOU GET TO THINKIN' YOU ARE A PERSON OF SOME INFLUENCE,
TRY ORDERING SOMEONE ELSE'S DOG AROUND.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT BITIN' OFF MORE'N YOU CAN CHEW;
YOUR MOUTH IS PROBABLY BIGGER THAN YOU THINK.
GENERALLY, YOU AIN'T LEARNIN' NOTHING
WHEN YOUR MOUTH'S A JAWIN'.
IF YOU'RE RIDIN' AHEAD OF THE HERD, TAKE A
LOOK BACK EVERY NOW AND THEN TO MAKE
SURE IT'S STILL THERE WITH YA.
GOOD JUDGEMENT COME'S FROM EXPERIENCE,
AND A LOTTA THAT COMES FROM BAD JUDGEMENT.
LETTIN' THE CAT OUTTA THE BAG IS A WHOLE LOT
EASIER THAN PUTTIN' IT BACK.
THE QUICKEST WAY TO DOUBLE YOUR MONEY IS TO FOLD IT
OVER AND PUT IT BACK INTO YOUR POCKET.
NEVER MISS A GOOD OPPORTUNUTY TO SHUT UP.
NEVER SLAP A MAN THAT'S CHEWIN' TOBACCO.
ALWAYS DRINK UPSTREAM FROM THE HERD.
THERE'S TWO THEORIES TO ARGUIN WITH A WOMAN....
NEITHER ONE WORKS.
IT DON'T TAKE A GENIUS TO SPOT A GOAT IN A FLOCK OF SHEEP.
THERE ARE THREE TYPES OF PEOPLE...
THOSE WHO LEARN IT BY READIN'...
THE FEW WHO LEARN BY SEEIN', AND THE REST
WHO HAVE TO TOUCH THE FIRE TO SEE IT'S HOT.
DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE BY THEIR RELATIVES.
WHEN YOU LOSE, DON'T LOSE THE LESSON.
TALK SLOWLY, THINK QUICKLY.
IT'S BETTER TO BE A HAS-BEEN THAN A NEVER-WAS.
REMEMBER THAT SILENCE IS SOMETIMES THE BEST ANSWER.
LIVE A GOOD, HONORABLE LIFE. THEN WHEN YOU GET OLDER
AND THINK BACK, YOU'LL ENJOY IT A SECOND TIME.
IF YOU DON'T TRY, YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO NUTHIN'.
SOMETIMES YOU GET AND SOMETIMES YOU GET GOT.
ONLY THE COWS KNOW WHY THEY STAMPEDE.
TELLIN' A MAN TO GIT LOST AND MAKIN' HIM DO IT,
ARE TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PROPOSITIONS.
WHEN YOU GIVE A PERSONAL LESSON IN MEANNESS
TO A CRITTER OR TO A PERSON, DON'T BE
SURPRISED IF THEY LEARN THEIR LESSON.
WHEN YOU'RE THROWIN' YOUR WEIGHT AROUND, BE
READY TO HAVE IT THROWN AROUND BY SOMEBODY ELSE.
ALWAYS TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO EAT.
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS,
BUT IT'S SURE CRUCIAL TO KNOW WHAT IT WAS.
YOU CAN'T TELL HOW GOOD A MAN OR A
WATERMELON IS 'TIL THEY GET THUMPED.
IF LAWYERS ARE DISBARRED AND CLERGYMEN ARE DEFROCKED,
SHOULDN'T IT FOLLOW THAT COWBOYS WOULD BE DERANGED?
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