YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM UPSTATE
NEW YORK WHEN ...
* You only own three spices - salt, pepper
and ketchup.
* You design your Halloween costumes to fit
over a snowsuit.
* The mosquitoes have landing lights.
* You have more miles on your snow blower
than your car.
* You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
* Trureviewue Hardware on any Saturday is
busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
* You live in a house that has no front steps,
yet the door is one yard above the ground.
* Driving is better in the winter because the
potholes get filled with snow.
* You think everyone from the city has an
accent.
* You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a
flannel nightie with only eight buttons.
* You owe more money on your snowmobile than
your car.
* The local paper covers national and
international headlines on l/4 page, but
requires 6 pages for sports.
* At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles
as a meat processing plant.
* The most effective mosquito repellent is a
shotgun.
* Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
* You think the start of deer hunting season
is a national holiday.
* You head south to go to your cottage.
* You frequently clean grease off your
barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your
deck.
* You know which leaves make good toilet
paper.
* You've ever kept food cold by putting it on
the back porch.
* The mayor greets you on the street by your
first name.
* There is only one shopping plaza in town.
* You find -20F a little chilly.
* The trunk of your car doubles as a deep
freezer.
* You attended a formal event in your best
clothes, your finest jewelry and your
snowmobile boots.
* You can play road hockey on skates.
* Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great
upper body workout.
* You know the 4 seasons: Almost Winter,
Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
* The municipality buys a zamboni before a
bus. |
YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRIVING IN UTAH
WHEN...
* Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.
* Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
* Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow."
* The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
* Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
* Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
* Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
* Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush hour traffic.
* Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
* Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4 WD drivers.
* It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
* Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
* Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
* Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
* Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75 mph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
* Real men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 75 mph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
* Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
* There is a common held belief that high speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front. This is true.
* It's OK to cut off fully loaded semitrailer, road trains and buses because they have brakes.
* Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street. |
