From the Hands of Rome
By Absinthe
For Disclaimers seePart 1, and I know I said the last part was the end, but I'm excercising my author's prerogative; I changed my mind.
Part Four:
Xena couldn't sleep. She lay as quietly as she could, listening to Gabrielle's gentle breathing in the hot darkness. One of the things that the warrior would never allow her lover to see, one of the things that haunted her endlessly, was the difference between Gabrielle's conception of her "dark side," and the reality of that darkness.
The Xena that Gabrielle knew and loved was a product of a lifelong battle that raged every moment of every day inside the great warrior's mind. At that moment, as the insects buzzed outside, Xena allowed herself the luxury of free thought.
The lover in her told her to relax, to try to sleep and to be there to watch the sunlight play on Gabrielle's hair in the morning.
The warrior, the Warrior Princess, calmly warned that Cleopatra would never rise against Caesar, not while Egypt was so secure. This was an affair of state, and even though she had once been a power to be reckoned with, those days were past. Xena had no place trying to interfere with politics outside of Greece. She was honor-bound not to interfere, and it was the Warrior Princess' rigid code of behavior that kept many of the other facets of Xena's personality in check.
The Destroyer, that darker part of her, wanted to press Cleopatra, through any means of coercion open to her, to take the Kandake up on her offer. Even the lover in her had to concede that yes, a coalition between Egypt and Nubia and Nubia's allies stood a chance against Roman might. A very good one at that.
Within all living beings lies death. Both in the capacity to kill, and in the capacity to die, all mortal creatures live with death. Xena carried death with her. Ishtar, Kali, Hades, whatever its name, Death was an integral part of the warrioress. In the moment before she took a kill in battle, her enemy saw in all her glory, beauty, and horror, the personification of death. It was something that Xena could never escape. It was a part of her, like an old friend. Death revealed itself through Xena's unearthly eyes, her strength, and her Way.
It was what had attracted Ares to her. It was what attracted many to her. It was part of her charisma, and it gave her the ability to lead people. But only the right kind of people. She was an excellent military leader because the men that were attracted to war wanted to court death. They didn't know it in so many words, but Xena was a dangerous attraction. She was like fire to a moth; she drew those that wanted to court disaster.
Which was also why Gabrielle was with her then. The bard had sought the balance of her personality. The dark to balance the light, because the dark, when tempered with the light, is no longer evil. The light, tempered by the dark, is no longer alone.
The death in Xena was feeling vengeful that night. It roared and demanded that Xena get up and seek out the Kandake. It wanted blood; the blood of Caesar. It wanted Rome for its own. It wanted to offer alliegance to Nubia, it wanted to be the head of the army that would take the "Republic" apart.
Xena listened to them all, even to the quieter voices; the mother, the daughter, the student of the Tao, and the ruthless young murderer. She knew what she must do already. She must do nothing at all, but sometimes after she spent a long time reconciling and opening these facets of herself, there were periods of days or even weeks during which they were silent. Except for one voice. The voice of Xena, the woman, a whole and sane person.
Gabrielle had taught her how to do it. Xena had finally begun to understand what she'd heard from Lao Ma and from M'lila by watching the little bard. Xena couldn't allow the battle to go on indefinitely. There must be peace before she was torn apart from the inside. The facade of wholeness, of balance, that deceived even Gabrielle most of the time, was painful and tiring to keep up. Xena was a creature of will, and it was that will that had kept the walls up for so long, but those walls had also served to compartmentalize her personality; to fracture and splinter it.
Gabrielle awoke to find her lover laying on her side in the bed, her blue eyes open but distant. A blackened wilderness swirled behind Xena's blue eyes, and they seemed to glow with blue flame in the night. Sensing the changed in the body next to her, Xena jerked the walls back up and blinked her eyes a few times. The bard watched her with her eyes half closed, but as with the lizard that sees the most when it seems half asleep, Gabrielle was examining her mate carefully.
"You OK? You looked pretty out of it a second ago," she said.
"Yeah, just having trouble sleeping."
"Dinar for your thoughts."
Xena chuckled at the tired old line, but said:
"Hmm. Just thinking about Cleopatra, and Caesar." Not exactly a lie.
"They do seem mismatched, at least, from what I've seen of him. She's too good for him." Gabrielle harbored a deep-seated hatred for Caesar, the man who had betrayed her lover, and cast such a long and painfully acidic shadow over the warrior's life.
"Politics put them together. I think at first," Xena rolled onto her back, "that was all there was. She wanted her throne back, Caesar had the power to give it to her."
"I think she loves him now. She lights up whenever the name is mentioned."
"Enough about lighting other people up," Xena scolded, "I think it's time we worked on your radiance."
The warrior let the lover take over, and proceeded to give Gabrielle her undivided attention.
On to part 5
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Email: absinthe@earthling.net