04.03.02 4:36 PM: a year. singular. just me and the world. and no other to share, in that romantic way. it's felt alright. not the best all the time. but i'm doing okay. independent and walking tall. tall because i have big shoes. but those shoes make me feel good. a girl said to me that she'd heard a saying, "you'll always have a friend with red shoes". and she said that was me. i'm taking shit and making lemonade out of it... right Agent M? anyhow.. summer lies ahead and roadtrips with cristy. groggy morning in truckstop bathrooms. i can't wait to explore the southeastern coast.
03.23.02 1:52 AM: fitting dream pieces together. trying to make something out of nothing. something so ridiculous. it won't work. it'd be stupid if it did. what does a white formal dress mean? with a parade. and a street that i've seen before in the nitetime paradise of my mind. my throat aches. and i wish it were from strained vocal chords of show singing. but it's only strep throat. i wonder how many others are suffering from this ailment after saturday. or who is relieved because they passed it on to me. i'm moving soon. across the town. to the strip of stores we've all grown to loathe and love. dangerous living 3 blocks from a record shoppe.
03.19.02 2:27 PM: Michelle Branch knows how my past feels. Goodbye To You.
Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that passed me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but
it's not right
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
We the stars fall and I lie awake
You're my shooting star
12.18.01 10:29 PM: if we still exchanged words... what would you do if i told you that you were my New Years resolution? i can't take the nitemares. the touching you all nite and waking up with sweat soaked sheets no you there. unable to eat all day again.
09.22.01 1:51 AM:
cabotgal: i had a question i thought smart nicola can answer because you are me.
XjunkpileX: yes. i will try .,
cabotgal: you know when people, like say boyfriends, have "moody" awkward days over nothing really? do you find that harder to tend to when you are far away from them? ...i do. and i get so sad. i try hard not ot take it personal, but i still get sad. and meaningless things like these are the only things that hsave ever fucked with my head in relationships. everything else has been fun and fancy free.
XjunkpileX: yes. i have gotten extremely upset and overly depressed over these things
XjunkpileX: and its not until now, when im hitting my head against every wall standing still...... that i realize that i would take a million of those days.....
XjunkpileX: instead of the absolute nothing that i have now
cabotgal: oh no nicole.
cabotgal: i am afraid to ask you aboput the past. you seem to get so sad and i hate seeing you that way.
XjunkpileX: and i really still cant talk about it
XjunkpileX: just read my webpage.
09.20.01 12:52 AM: so i listened to live Pinhead Gunpowder today. and reconnected with my *kicking myself in the face for what i've done with my life*. over and over now are repeating the words, "sometimes i get lost and lonely and i could use you here beside me to help to guide me help me find my way" and "gotta find my place in your heart, gotta find my place in your mind, gotta find the time to find the time to find the life i left behind, trying to find my place in this world"........ just look back a few months.... that's who its all about. dreams and all. new medication to help me from being oh so fucking close to taking the wrong kinds of pills. the ones you dont wake up from. i'm a wreck so many months later. mistakes i cant face the day with anymore. ive been trying so hard to cover them, and nothing works. some say i should be over it. its wrong for months later to be dragging like this. and i dont talk about it. im not going to anymore tonite. ive cried all the mascara off enough for one nite.
09.12.01 9:11 AM: So, yesterday was my 21st birthday. Happy fucking day. i went to school, then stayed inside most of the day watching the news and crying. exploding planes and all, what a present. my mom didn't even call to tell me happy birthday. i dont feel much like writing, now. just thought i'd do the birthday update. nothing is different.
08.24.01 2:59 AM: i bought a pack of cigarettes tonite and smoked a great deal of them. i haven't done this in about a month. i think i needed it. i'm just trying to shine a smoke screen against the images in my mind. block them out some way. again yesterday. like all day. foil wrappers. piles. bottles. serious drink. it's summer. there arent any overcoats to hide under and slip away in. i need that air to slap against my cheeks and make them pink. dip my hand in frozen water along the lights shining in the business district. and write the script that plagues me. maybe i'll be new again when that time comes around. when bike chains roll and tires spin. and its me against the nature of city blocks.
08.20.01 9:47 PM: i feel so transparent today. existance is futile. i'm staring at veins. my fist to face. pill bottles. the semester starts tomorrow. i'm nervous like in the 9th grade. new school jitters. in my writing lately i speak of our ghosts. haunting ourselves, scaring the life out of us. it makes too much sense to me. and being able to rationalize the actions of an aquaintance who took the dive. i tremble in the shadows of my own room hearing the footsteps of what lurks in the attic. hoping maybe it'll take me with it.
08.03.01 12:50 AM: so everyone else might think this is bad news... but i got so happy that i almost cried and my heart started racing. So, as i'm driving home, listening to Carson Daly's radio show i hear him say that Justin Timberlake wants to play the role of Mark in a possible screen adaptation of the musical Rent, directed by Spike Lee. I find this to be perfection. call me crazy. but i do. i just adore watching that boy move and hearing those sounds come out of his mouth, and to put one of my favorite performers in one of my favorite stories, with those songs that send chills up my spine anyway... shoo.
08.02.01 2:55 AM: it's strange, a look in the mirror makes you feel so undeserving. of everything.
07.12.01 1:35 AM: when you catch a glimpse of him in your head, with his baseball hat on, at it brings tears to your eyes, and your crying now, kinda hard. you wonder why you're here. why you gave it up for nothing. there's been nothing satisfactory. a kiss with a kid that is really funny in hindsight, and you wish you could tell him, and say, whoops i did this fucking funny stupid thing... ha ha ha. look. but god i want him back in my bed tonite.
07.08.01 8:28 PM: who knew that vodka could counteract the seroquel in your system for days at a time. im so nauseous and my leg is going up and down again so very fast. every second look over your shoulder and take mental note to what everything around you is, and is it correct and is it okay for you. again and again and again. i'm so mad at me for getting a $60 parking ticket because of a nite i can't even remember, and i'm not even too incredibly pleased with the outcome. you find out that these things that you build up because it's such a popular idea amongst others aren't really that tasty. you look around and say, "oh what in the fuck did i do?" go home and spin some Cometbus imbedded records and dance around the living room until the downstairs assholes knock ever so rudely on the ceiling/floor. you listen to the records thinking if there's anyone else around who knows what's important to you, like pictures of big feet, like Cristy that you can run around with one day.
07.02.01 4:21 AM: i think that searching for dead things all the time sometimes makes you forget to remember that people around you are alive. so i continue to read my sagas of psychological trauma on girls. and wait for my book on my new obsession, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, to grace my hands. lying around in the morning waiting for the faint sign that my hip bones are protruding again. and wondering if i should be saying this right here and now? i'll let it all go. fathoming the worst degree of jealousy. that one that made him hold you down on the bed that one time. when you were screaming and kicking. getting up to throw up, but it never came. you know how it was. you don't know why it was. you had hip bones then. and you listen to other people talk now, people you respect, but the words they say seem so insensitive sometimes, but they don't know. so how do you let them in? how do share the unexplainable concepts of self doubt and being scared of loss?
06.22.01 11:02 PM: i'm constantly turning and walking the other way. regardless of which way it takes me. good or not so good. and what is it that anyway?
06.22.01 2:45 AM: all my bottles inside are just rattling. so loud. and i can't take the head noise. every so often one falls. crashes. shards into my lungs, my heart, my eyes. every day they keep filling. overflowing. flooding into my bloodstream. how long before i'm vomiting the torture. til everyone's looking at me. like i'm mad. i am mad.
06.19.01 3:29 AM: now you are getting fat, take some topamax. heh. yeah. i'll take it.
06.17.01 3:11 AM: don't worry your little head about being a firebrand.
06.10.01 10:39 PM: hey, its a magic time. enough to crack a tiny smile out of me. my eyes sting. all day laying around reading. attempting to watch a movie. crying. crying a lot. wishing that i could do whatever magic move it could take to make the differences mesh. to make it something that i could have lived with. to make me stronger. and a better human being. im not so sure that im doing the best job at it. i'm smoking again. dependent on medication. upset at the drop of a name. a name that happens to be used to often in every day conversation. in sayings that my roomate has somehow picked up and uses without realizing what she's really saying. and a piece of me dying all over again with that syllable. with images of NYC in the movies i watch. i recognize street corners and start twitching. i hear city names where we slept or didn't sleep in people planning to travel. they dont know what saying "grand junction" really does to me. i slept in arms there.
06.09.01 6:35 PM: it's a day like today when i sit around wishing i hadn't done it. that i hadn't said a goodbye. when everything else around me starts spinning, and he would hold me down on the bed pinned in hugs so i wouldnt throw up. he is the only one who knows that part. today im hiding. and im crying harder than i have since april. and now i have no one. and i wont. no one else. i'm afraid to say anything. how in the fuck could i? he's probably gone by now. i'm so mad at me.
05.25.01 1:08 PM: give me nites all like last nite. please. boy was it fun. i came home from work about 7:00 and crashed in the living room watching Miguel's Buffy tape and then an episode of Roswell, then for the first time in almost a year mustered up the courage to put in Girl, Interrupted. I watched enough to get me pumped up, but not hysterical when Beth called from Shafer Court saying that the poopy friend she was hanging out with had bolted on her. I walked over to meet her. And we walked. To 7-11 for coffee and hung out there for a good while. badmouthing supposed friends and hoping her crush would walk by. we get up after awhile and walk to sit on the "porch of truth" where within a couple minutes we hear a *BANG POP!* from down Harrison St. Soon the police and the ambulance come zooming. and we go rubbernecking. YES! The car. the mustang with the zebra stripes that every person in Richmond hates, with it's trashy girl driver ran a red light and was hit and in the front yard of the Halfway House on the corner of Harrison and Franklin. People were gathering everyone saying, "I fucking HATE that car!" people were driving by and cheering. Nothing like a car accident to bring Richmond kids together. In fact, my old high school friend Amanda was one to drive by, and i was able to give her my new phone number. Best part... people were taking souveniers. We have the top of the lamppost that they hit. We applauded the guy that she hit. He destoyed the beast. Everyone was sitting around saying *This HAS to go in Punchline* (a weekly Richmond paper where people constantly write in about the hatred for this car). When a girl walks up with a camera saying, "Excuse me, THIS is going in Punchline." So strung out on coffee, Beth and I and two boys bolt across the street to be in the picture with the car. We're gonna be famous. We took our prize home and woke up Miguel to tell him the good news. Then we ventured back out to Goth Nite at Twisters. $5 to sit back and point fingers at strange dancing methods of 40 year old men who dress like they fell out of the video for Metallica's "One". Then, there was a fight between the "making fun of ers" and the "making fun of ees". It's always refreshing to see a boy with blood dripping down his face. Makes them 50 times more attractive, you know. Then to home and bed. More nites need to be that eventful. I need them to write about.
05.11.01 1:50 PM: blah. i'm groggy and still a bit drunk. drinking and roaming. socializing on the shitblock of grace st. it was a nice and simple nite. the nite before last beth, miguel and i went to the village and had way too much coffee to drink played our own Kevin Bacon game, completely null and void of Kevin Bacon. with the help of asking passerbys to give us two actors off the tops of their heads. but before all the drinking we had enema olympic water drinking in our apartment. that goes a lil somethin' like this:
05.06.01 8:08 AM: The beauty of trains is going to wear off really soon if they persist to wake me up at 6:00 AM with their whistles blowing repetitively. i know that whistle this morning didn't need to be blown that many times. over and over again for about a half hour. conductor sitting up in his seat with a smug look on his face.
05.04.01 12:34 PM: What do you get when you cross a lemon and a duck? A caterpillar named Lima Bean who crawls on his back because most of his tiny legs are broken. This was our amusement on Grace St. last nite amongst the flashing red and blues. i am now rocking W. Clay street. it's great here. and now time to make my rounds at the post office.
take me back to the overpass...