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Conversation at the 8-Ball Bar and Grill
A Cracktrailer interlude, by spikeNdru, 7/4/04
The events of BtVS and AtS viewed through the lens of the ‘trailer.
This is my first drive through the trailer park, but since it's Het, I'm posting it here instead.
Rating? I’m real bad at tryin’ to figger out ratings. Nothin’ real bad happens; nothin’ that ya don’t see ever’ day at the treller park, but lotsa cussin’ and bad words ya might not want the younguns ta know.
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Never did understand why I’ve had such bad luck with women. I ain’t a bad guy---most of the time. Hard worker, not bad lookin’, I’m goin’ places. So why does all this shit happen to me? Why can’t I find a good woman who won’t screw me over or fuck with my head?
There’s this guy I work with, Alex. His real name’s Alexis. What kinda old man lets a mama name a boy “Alexis”? When he first come to work, I thought for sure he was a faggot. He was all fluttery and girly, but he really turned out to be a stand-up guy. He started datin’ my ex’s best friend, Alyson, and I gave it 6 months, tops. He didn’t seem to be her type at all. Surprised the hell outta me when they dated for a couple’a years and then got married. And they still seem happy. Not sure what I think about that. Sometimes, I want Alex an’ Aly to really make it, to beat the odds. Other times, it pisses me off and I want them to bust up like the rest’a us.
Me an’ my best friend James--yeah, James. He won’t let ya call him “Jim”. Well, I suppose you could call him any damn thing ya want, but he won’t answer. He’s the stubbornest little shit I ever met in my life. We met way back in grade school. He was real small and skinny and the other kids would pick on him, but he wouldn’t let ’em, and he’d always end up fightin’ ’em after school and he’d always lose, but he just wouldn’t give up.
One day, three of ’em jumped him at once and that didn’t sit right with me, so I opened up a can’a whoop-ass on them bullies. Never did like bullies. I beat the crap outta ’em. Was James grateful for my help? Hell, no! He started fightin’ me! Can you believe that? We been best friends ever since. No one I’d rather have at my back in a fight than him. He’s still sorta small an’ skinny, but tough as nails.
In Junior High school, I dated this girl, Juliet, a few times. She was this crazy goth chick, and I mean crazy! I only went out with her a couple’a times—she really wasn’t my type. She was dark-haired, for one thing, and I’ve always had a thing for blondes. I’d been goin’ with this hot little blonde, Julie, ever since 5th grade, but we fought a lot. Always breakin’ up and then getting’ back together again. I was pissed at Julie for something, so I went out with Juliet to make her jealous. It musta worked, cuz Julie an’ me got back together and I dumped Juliet. So she went after my friend James.
After that, it was the four of us all through Junior High. Me an’ Julie, an’ James an’ Juliet. It was sorta weird, cuz those two girls really didn’t like each other much. But if they wanted to be with me and James, they had to put up with each other. That’s just the way it was. The four of us hung around together all the time.
I played football—quarterback—an’ James was the place kicker. Julie was a cheerleader, a’ course. Juliet came to some ’a the games, dressed all in black, lookin’ like Morticia Addams. She never did fit in. Never did understand football, neither, though all three of us tried to explain it to her.
After football season, I played basketball and Julie cheered. James and Juliet would come ta the games to watch an’ then we’d go ride around in my daddy’s truck and get drunk an’ make out.
In the spring, James played baseball. Baseball don’t have no cheerleaders, so Julie, Juliet an’ me would come ta watch James play. Juliet kept getting’ crazier an’ crazier, but James was really in love with her, so the rest of us sorta put up with her. Things went on like this all through Junior High an’ we figured they always would. But then things changed.
We made it through 9th grade graduation and there was a big party after. We all got really drunk an’ had a fine time—what I remember of it, anyway. I was workin’ construction that summer. I was always big an’ strong an’ looked older, so I lied an’ said I was 18 an’ I got the job, even though I was really just 14.
Julie was lifeguardin’ at the community pool an’ she had a key so she’d sneak us in after hours.
James an’ Juliet mostly hung around in his basement all day. James’ folks had a tract house with a real basement—they called it a “rec room”, and it stayed cool underground, so they hung out there, like vampires or somethin’! Workin’ outside, Julie an’ me got real good tans and James an’ Juliet were as white as dead fish. They both started dressin’ all in black an’ got sorta strange, but James was my best friend, so what’re’ya gonna do?
The summer was goin’ real good till the end of July, when Julie told me she thought she was pregnant. That was a real kick in the balls! She hadn’t told me that she missed a period, but when she missed the second one, she didn’t have no choice. I’d been workin’ all summer to buy my own truck, an’ now I had to use a big chunk’a change to take her to Miami for the weekend to get rid of it.
Things weren’t the same between me an’ Julie after that. We fought all durin’ August an’ then we started High School. . .
A new girl had transferred in—another tiny, little blonde, named Sarah Michelle, an’ she hit me like a ton’a bricks. I just fell for her right away—didn’t know what hit me. Julie was real pissed off. She started a fight with Sarah Michelle, an’ I took her side and Julie like to scratch my eyes out! It got real ugly and Julie said she’d kill me before she’d give me up. I had to knock her around some to keep her away from Sarah Michelle, and the upshot was, Julie quit school and then Sarah Michelle an’ me started seein’ each other.
I never met anyone like her before. She’s so different from all the girls around here. The 10th grade was puttin’ on the play Grease an’ James got the part of Keneckie, so we went to see it, and Sarah Michelle an’ me were just like Danny an’ Sandy. If you ever seen Grease, you know what I mean. James an’ me didn’t see too much of each other in 10th grade. I was all caught up in Sarah Michelle an’ we sorta started hangin’ with her friends and James an’ Juliet went their own way.
She was best friends with the Aly I mentioned who was datin’ Seth at the time; he’s a musician--and with Nicky, who’s sorta a goof. Nicky was datin’ Charisma, who’s like the most popular girl in school. Still don’t know what she saw in him. In the beginnin’, Charisma sorta came on to me a few times an’ if I’da still been with Julie, I’da took her up on it! But Sarah Michelle had me not seein’ straight. I really fell for her, and I fell hard!
We were real happy and in love an’ I thought this might actually be it. I was startin’ to think about the future and marriage an’ kids, even. Things were goin’ along real good. I still hung out with James sometimes when Sarah Michelle was busy. She didn’t like him at all, and I shoulda known right then an’ there that there’d be trouble. When you let a girl get between you an’ your buddies. . . it just ain’t right! But, I was in love an’ not thinkin’ straight.
We finished 10th grade, an’ we were Juniors, an’ I was still head over heels for her. We finally did it on her 17th birthday and that turned out to be the beginnin’ of the end. I don’t know what happened. Up till then, she’d been all confident and gorgeous and special, and then suddenly, she was all clingy and possessive an’ insecure. The harder she pushed, the more I pulled away. We started fightin’ a lot an’ things started to get physical. I was spendin’ more time with James an’ Juliet just to avoid Sarah Michelle.
I was feelin’ real bitter about the whole thing, an’ one day after school was out for the summer, I went over to James’ house. His parents were at work an’ he wasn’t home, but Juliet was there, so I decided to wait for him ta get back. She let me in, an’ we were sittin’ in the rec room, waitin’ for James and drinkin’ beer, and Juliet had some weed, so we got high.
Well, one thing led to another, an’ we ended up fucking and wouldn’tcha know, James comes home then an’ catches us goin’ at it. James an’ me got into a really big fight, and it may’ve been that, or the weed mighta been cut with somethin’, but Juliet flipped out, big time. She got committed to the State Hospital, an’ she was there for a real long time.
Then things went all to hell.
Sarah Michelle an’ me got into a real knock-down-drag-out an’ she called the cops on me an’ had me put away. I got sent to boot camp for the whole summer. The cops had never been able to pin anything on me before, but they’d had their suspicions an’ they got Sarah Michelle to testify, so I went down. They wanted to put me in jail, but like I said, they didn’t really have nothin’ on me an’ I was still a minor, so I got sent to boot camp for youth offenders for the whole damn summer!
I guess they were both pretty pissed at me, cuz all the time I was gone, she was fuckin’ James that summer. An’ she still didn’t like him—she just did it to get back at me. I think he did it to pay me back for Juliet, but then he started to really fall for her. She didn’t love him—she was just usin’ him cuz she knew he was my best friend an’ I think by then she both loved me an’ hated me all at the same time.
We were all really fucked up that summer, an’ then things just got worse.
When I got back, I didn’t want nothin’ to do with either of ’em at the time, so the first thing I did was go back to see Julie. She was turnin’ tricks now, so I figured she’d be safe. I’d had enough of the “love” and the messy relationship shit. Just wanted to get off an’ get gone.
’Cept Julie got pregnant again—an’ this time she wouldn’t get rid of it. She said she really wanted a baby. Well, I didn’t think nothin’ much about it. I mean, she’s a ho, right? It coulda been anybody’s. So, she has the kid an’ names him Vincent, after that lion-guy on that Beauty and the Beast TV show she used to love when she was a kid. You know, the one with the chick that later played in the Terminator movies?
Anyway, she hauls me in for a paternity test, an’ it turns out to be my kid. What were the odds on that? It was just the one time, an’ I made sure I wore a rubber, cuz. . . ho, remember? I just can’t seem to catch a break with women!
Well, Sarah Michelle dumped James, of course. She was really just usin’ him anyway, an’ James an’ me got back to bein’ friends again. We made it through High School, but all the fun had gone out of it.
So, now I’m bustin’ my balls at work, payin’ support to Julie for Vincent, and Sarah Michelle got outta town as soon as she graduated. Not soon enough, though. Not before she fucked up both James’ an’ my lives. . . He’s drinkin’ real heavy, now. Oh, I like a few beers as much as the next guy, but he goes through a couple’a bottles of Jack every weekend. When he gets real drunk, he has a tendency to hit on jailbait, an’ that’s really playin’ with fire.
So, why d’ya think it is that I’ve had such bad luck with women? Like I said, I’m an OK guy. . .
Wha’d’ya say your name was again? DB? Hey! Them’re my initials, too. An’ you’re gonna be the new principal at the High School? Well, good luck with that. . . you’re gonna need it.
The End
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