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Fatherhood
by spikeNdru
Written for A Darker Angel Halloween Challenge: Scary
Angel character study: What gives Angel nightmares?
Length: 1000 words
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Planning
A father!He was going to be a father.
He couldn't be a father!
Well, as Darla was obviously great with child, apparently he could, but he didn't know the first thing about being a father. His own father was a shining example of how not to be a father, but the problem was that he didn't have any examples to show him how to be a father. He was a vampire—what did he know about children? What if he was a terrible father? He couldn't do this!
Yes, he could. He had to. He didn't have any other options, as he hadn't exactly been consulted about the decision to procreate. Although, Darla hadn't been consulted either, for that matter. What the hell was he going to do? Whose bright idea had it been to make him and Darla parents? Whoever it was, was clearly insane.
He was going to be a father.
This could be kind of . . . fun. He could take the kid to hockey games, and teach him to play basketball — at night? He couldn't do this! What kind of a father can't even take his kid to the park in the afternoon to play? Why in the hell would The Powers That Be, or whoever was responsible for this state of affairs ever make him a father? Who sat around and thought, “The Scourge of Europe seems a bit at loose ends. I know! We'll give him a child! He'll be great at changing nappies and mixing formula.” What the fuck was he going to do? He couldn't be a father!
He was going to be a father.
Maybe this was his second chance? Maybe he was being given a chance to—not make up for the harm he'd done; he could never make up for the evil. But maybe he was being given a chance to start over? That wasn't feasible. What had he ever done that was so wonderful he would be given a gift like this? But, lots of terrible people had children. Not that that was a good thing. But . . .
He was going to be a father!
He was going to be the best damn father he could be. Books! Weren't there books about raising children? He'd have to see about getting some books. And other . . . stuff. Stuff that babies needed. What did babies need? Maybe Cordelia would know? He was positive that Darla wouldn't. Maybe Wes? Wes hadn't been around children much, and his own father wasn't . . . Gunn? Gunn had raised his sister, hadn't he? But that was a sore subject with Gunn, so maybe a vampire asking him about his sister wasn't such a good idea. Okay, back to Cordy. But would she think it was sexist for him to ask her? Would she think that he thought she should be expected to know about kids just because she was a woman? He didn't know anything about raising children. How could he be a father?
Becoming
There's something wrong! Something more than the hordes of people and demons trying to kill us. There's something wrong with the baby. Darla knows it, too. I can see it in her eyes. I've got to do something! What? I don't know what to do and I fucking hate feeling helpless. What if this is all just a major mindfuck? What if it wasn't the Powers who caused this miracle? What if it was . . . something else? They can't give me a child just to have it die stillborn. I don't know what to do. I don't fucking know what to do and I want this child more than I've ever wanted anything. Or anyone. Is this my punishment? To hold out the hope of a child — a human child and then snatch it from my grasp? I don't deserve to be given a child. I know that. But you've made me believe — you've given me hope. You can't just take that away from me. Do you hear me? Whoever you are! You can't give me a child and then take it before . . . I won't let you. If you need some kind of sacrifice, take me! Not him — not this child. Please!Darla, help me! Help me think of something to do. It's not your fault — vampires were never meant to give birth. Please don't let my son die. I'll do anything —anything to save him. Just tell me what to do!
Being
Angel gripped Darla's hand tightly as she lay in the pouring rain in an alley and felt their child's heartbeat falter and slow. He was dying. She met Angel's eyes and saw in them the same despair that she knew were in hers. There was one chance for him. It was either her child or her. She knew that now. They could not both survive. Darla didn't hesitate; her fingers groped for the splintered piece of packing crate.“This child . . . Angel, it's the one good thing we did together. The only good thing. You make sure to tell him that.”
She wanted to be looking into his eyes when she did it. She wanted her last memory to be that of her darling boy, as she brought their darling boy into the world. But his face was buried in his hands, his right hand still clutching hers. She heard his sob and squeezed his hand as she thrust the jagged piece of wood into her heart. There! He stared into her eyes as she turned to dust.
Angel looked at the perfect human child that lay squalling in the dirt of the alley as the rain washed the dust of his mother from his tiny body. He felt his cold, dead heart swell. His son! He was so beautiful! So perfect! Love for this tiny scrap of humanity filled his body to bursting. He was so happy — perfectly happy. Angelus picked up the child and sank his fangs into the rapidly beating heart in that tiny chest and drank.
Finis
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