RESCUE

RED DWARF WAS BEING EATEN FROM THE INSIDE BY A CHAMELEONIC MICROBE. THE REST OF THE CREW HAVE ESCAPED IN STARBUG'S AND BLUE MIDGET'S.

MEANWHILE, RIMMER HAS BEEN LEFT TO DIE AFTER CROSSING BACK INTO OUR DIMENSION ONLY TO FIND THAT LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI AND THE CAT HAVE CROSSED INTO THE MIRROR UNIVERSE HE HAS JUST COME BACK FROM. RIMMER IS VISITED BY DEATH BUT A SWIFT KNEE TO THE GROINAL AREA SOON HAS THE SCYTHE WIELDING DARK FIGURE REACHING FOR HIS PRIVATE PARTS.

LISTER, KRYTEN & CO HAVE FIXED UP A MACHINE IN THE MIRROR UNIVERSE AND HAVE CROSSED BACK WITH THE ANTIDOTE TO THE DESTRUCTIVE MICROBE. KRYTEN MAKES UP THE FORMULA AND IT WORKS JUST IN TIME BEFORE THE SHIP CORRODES BEYOND REPAIR.

AS FOR RIMMER.....HE WAS FOUND UNDER A SCANNER TABLE IN THE MEDI BAY

1: SCIENCE LAB – DAY

KRYTEN Sir's, Maam, according to Holly's readouts the antidote has worked and the ship is almost back to normal.

LISTER

What do you mean 'almost'

KRYTEN

I mean that some parts of the ship are still unstable and are about as safe as walking into a Biker's Bar wearing a Tutu, singing 'Wee Willy Winky'

KOCHANSKI

I can't belive Hollister would do a thing like this!!

LISTER

Like what?

KOCHANSKI

Like abandon ship and leave people behind to die

RIMMER

I never liked that Fat blithering idiot, you know what I'd do if he was here right now?

LISTER

One of your stupid salutes? (Mimes silly salute)

RIMMER

No!! I'll tell you what I'd do....I'd.....I'd....well all you have to know is that it involves his backside and an oversize Porcupine!!

CAT

Hey, building block head!!

KRYTEN

Yes sir?

CAT

This microbe thingy, it better not have ruined any of my suits!! because I tell you if it has I may be forced to suffocate myself in Lister's armpits.

KRYTEN

No need to worry sir, the antidote should restore everything that was decaying back to normal

Holly appears on screen

HOLLY

Awright dudes!!....I just thought I'd let you know that we're receiving an SOS Distress call from a crashed Vessel on a Desert Moon. And according to my scanners the moon is inhabited by the lowest form of life!!

LISTER

The lowest form of life? What's that?

HOLLY

TV Chefs

2 CGI MODEL SHOT

Red Dwarf In Space

3 DRIVE ROOM: DAY

RIMMER

OK Holly play the Distress call

HOLLY

Here goes

A face appears on the screen, but we can't make it out because of bad reception

LISTER

It's not very clear I can't make it out, can't you make it clearer Hol.

HOLLY

If you think that's bad reception you should try watching Channel 5

The screen partly clears

RIMMER

I smegging knew it!!!......now there's no sound.

LISTER

And the picture's still fuzzy

CAT

Yeah, the picture's rubbish, and the sounds poor, but hey! it's still better quality than the Hungarian Grand Prix!!

KOCHANSKI

Hang on a mo, the pictures clearing

The picture clears, it's a familiar face, one we know very well

RIMMER

Who the smeg is that!!

ACE / RIMMER

How are the Kipper's coming guys

CAT

Ace Buddy!!

KOCHANSKI

Who?

KRYTEN

That's Mr Ace Rimmer, maam, another version of Mr Rimmer from an Alternate Dimension

RIMMER

Alternate Dimension?

ACE / RIMMER

That's right Duke, but enough of the small talk I'm a little embarrassed to ask but I've crashed my ship and need a little help

KRYTEN

No worrie's Mr Ace sir, we'll be there right away

4: LANDING BAY: DAY

Starbug takes off and fly's out of Red Dwarf

5: STARBUG'S COCKPIT: DAY

Cat and Lister in front seats, Kryten and Kochanski in seat's behind and Rimmer stands in the doorway

RIMMER

....so he's me from an alternate Dimension

LISTER

Correct man!!

RIMMER

He's me? But he look's like a 1980's Pop Star!..........He's me?

KRYTEN

His ship is capable of Dimension Jumping, he's you from an Alternate Dimension. At some point your live's went in different directions, he became a handsome Intergalactic hero and you became....well....you.

Rimmer gives Kryten a look as if to say "Shut your plastic head, you smug git"

We see Starbug land near Ace's crashed ship. It come's to a bumpy landing on the Desert Moon's surface, they must have had it in the wrong gear or something.

VO: RIMMER

Nice landing guy's, that was as much fun as manning the Manic Depressive's Hotline

VO= Voice Over

6: MEDI BAY: DAY

KRYTEN

There doesn't seem to be any broken bones. I suggest you rest for a couple of day's Mr Ace, sir

Kryten leave's room as Lister enters

ACE / RIMMER

Hello Listy

(Ace speaks like Rimmer again, knowing that only Lister know's that he is the original Rimmer)

LISTER

Alright man, where've you been?

ACE / RIMMER

You know, saved a few Civilizations, made love to countless women, the usual stuff

LISTER

So you're enjoying it?

ACE / RIMMER

Every minute of it Listy. I couldn't be any happier!

LISTER

Really?

ACE / RIMMER

No (Pause) I'm not cut out for this kind of life. I want to rejoin the team.

LISTER

But Rimmer man, we already have one Rimmer on board, and if you're not going to be Ace who will?

ACE / RIMMER

We could alway's try and persuade the other me?

LISTER

I suppose so

ACE / RIMMER Anyway, enough about me. What's happened since I've been away, and where did Kochanski and the other me come from?

LISTER

Well......

7: CGI MODEL SHOT

Red Dwarf In Space

8: MEDI BAY: DAY

LISTER

......and that's when we received your SOS

ACE / RIMMER

So that's why all those Starbug's and Blue Midget's were flying away, it was one of those Bastards that took my ship out.

LISTER

Lucky for us they left a Starbug behind, albeit one with a knackered gearbox

ACE / RIMMER

I never liked Captain Hollister. He's so fat he'd make a Sumo Wrestler look anorexic!!

Ace / Rimmer shakes his head

ACE / RIMMER

He just up and left?

LISTER

Yeah, I've never seen him move so fast since they opened the 'All You Can Eat' service in the Canteen

Both Ace/Rimmer and Lister laugh

ACE / RIMMER

So what do we do now?

LISTER

Well I suppose we have to tell the other's who you really are

9: OFFICERS SLEEPING QUARTERS

Kryten, Kochanski, Rimmer and The Cat sit at table playing Poker. Lister Enters

LISTER

Guy's I've got something to tell yer

CAT

What bud?

LISTER

I can't find an easy way to tell you this, but Ace is....well, erm..he's kind of.....dead

KRYTEN

My God!! it was only a bruise

KOCHANSKI

Dead? How

LISTER

Listen guys, let me finish. The Ace who we rescued isn't Ace

CAT

Who is he then his mum?

LISTER

(to Kryten and Cat) I never told you guys, but it was Ace's lightbee we found not Rimmers. When one Ace dies he recruits his replacement from a different Dimension

HOLLY

You tellin' us that Ace is infact that git we spent all those years with?

LISTER

Yeah

KRYTEN

You knew this and didn't tell us

LISTER

I'm sorry guys but I couldn't it was the only way Rimmer would have become Ace, if you didn't know

10 LISTER AND RIMMERS ROOM – DAY

Nanobotically re-created Rimmer lies on bed. Lister enters.

LISTER

Here you are, I've been looking for you

RIMMER (Nano)

I've just been thinking Listy

LISTER

What about

RIMMER (Nano)

...just thinking about my life

LISTER

What life's that then

RIMMER (Nano)

Ha de ha ha....my careers finished, I'll never be an officer now

LISTER

Listen man, I've got a favour to ask. It's Ace, he doesn't want to leave

RIMMER (Nano)

What's this got to do with me?

LISTER

Well if he stay's someone will have to take over as Ace and the only person we can think of is...

RIMMER (Nano)

....ME!! No chance Listy, never in a million years

LISTER

C'Mon man think about it, you've just said your careers finished, this is a chance to make something of your life

RIMMER (Nano)

Lister, I would rather lick the inside's of your underpants

LISTER

Rimmer, just think about it ok

RIMMER (Nano)

Me!! Ace!! Pah!! I could get killed, it would be about as safe as living in a paper house in a Hurricane

LISTER

You could come and visit occassionally

RIMMER (Nano)

"Visit Occassionally", I'm not a fighter Listy, what with all the life threatening battle's I'd have to fight in I'd be about as regular as a constipated Donkey

LISTER

I'm not saying you have to, just think about it ok

11 OFFICERS QUARTERS – DAY

Alarm Sounding. Kryten, Cat, Ace / Rimmer and Kochanski in room. Ace / Rimmer is now back in his old Hardlight Solid Blue uniform.

HOLLY

I don't mean to Alarm anyone, but there's a fighter ship approaching on Starboard side

CAT

I've always wondered what side Starboard side is, which is it bud?

HOLLY

Well....it's the side...with...y'know ........the Starboard

ACE / RIMMER

Which is?

HOLLY erm...

KRYTEN

Forgive me for interupting but we have more pressing matters to deal with

12 CGI MODEL SHOT

Fighter closes in on Red Dwarf

13 OFFICERS QUARTERS: DAY

HOLLY

Incoming Message

14 SCREEN

A GELF appears on the Officers Quarters Screen

GELF Hakkakah hakkahkakahkah kakkakkah

15 OFFICERS QUARTERS – DAY

Lister and Rimmer (Nano) race into room

LISTER

What the smeg is goin' on guys?

KRYTEN

It's the missus again sir

LISTER

Not again, theiy're harder to shake off than a dog humping your leg

16 SCREEN – DAY

GELF

Hakkakkah hakkakkakkakkakkah kakkah

17 OFFICERS QUARTERS – DAY

KRYTEN

Oh my!!

LISTER

What?

KRYTEN

They're calling you out sir

LISTER

Just tell them to smeg off

KRYTEN

As you wish sir, (to Holly) Holly open coms. (to GELF) Hakkakkak kakkahkakkahkah

18 SCREEN – DAY

GELF

Hakkakkahkak kakkakkahkakkahkak

19 OFFICERS QUARTERS

KOCHANSKI

What did they say?

KRYTEN

They said if we don't hand over Mr Lister they'll...they'll...they'll...they'll.....

Lister hits Kryten on back of his head

KRYTEN

....blow up Red Dwarf

ALL

Smeg!!

---