This is a story which began as an observation that many of the members of the Red Dwarf Mailing List are also fans of Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels. It's a tale about what might happen were the two worlds combined, eg. the Boyz from the Dwarf pay a visit to the Discworld, or a few of the Discworld characters pop up on the Red Dwarf. There are three chapters so far, please feel free to contribute another if it stirs your creativity :-)!
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From: "Ross{SMEGHEAD.M}"
Boyz from the Disc Part One
(The setting: a dark alleyway. Something that seems to be very hairy with long arms is in the darkness knuckling along.)
(When suddenly out of the sky in the form of what looks to be a dark beetle, a dark purple beetle, lands. On it's side are the words "StarT bugGING RIIMER" Some of the letters appear to have been scribbled on with sparay paint.)
(A door open and a ladder extends)
Rimmer: Oh Smeg! You really did paint it purple, you complete smegpot!
Lister: I'm sorry Rimmer, it's just that when I found that batch of beer cans in the cargo bay I just couldn't help myself.
Rimmer: But the paint? Where did you get the purple paint from.... and WHAT HAVE YOU DONE THERE????
Lister: I'm not sure about the paint.... oh, um that bit... I just decided to um.... rename Starbug?????
Kryten: Hmm, well I think it has a better sort of feel to it being purple..
Rimmer; Yeah, we're a moving target for Hippies now. I can just see that, on board the hippy ship, "Captain Hippy impersonators dead ahead, purple ship with pink writing." ..."Destroy it. Peacefully."
Cat: Oh come on Rimmer at least now I can wear my cute scivvy number, it no longer clashes with the ships colour!
Rimmer: I don't care, we're here now and you're washing it all off, back to regulation 'mining ship green'. and don't scrub too hard or you'll get 'sickly pea green' and even I don't need the Cat's taste to hate that..... WAIT, something, out there. it moved.
(Out of the shadows comes a large hairy, mammal: for simplicities sake, we'll call the LIBRARIAN)
Librarian: Ook? Eek! Eek!
Rimmer: Uh, Listy, that's one of your relatives isn't it?
Lister: No. This ones much better looking.
Rimmer: Er... nice monkey... nice monkey.... um we're not here to harm you monkey.... um..... what's wrong????
(The "monkey" screams in anger and jumps at Rimmer)
Librarian: Eek! Eek! Eek!......
(...and goes right through him)
Librarian: (running off) Eek! Eek! Eek! Eek!
Kryten: I don't think he likes being called monkey....
Librarian(from far off): EEK!!!
Well all you Pratchett fans out there who wanted to be involved with this now’s your chance for fame!!! Continue it away! and perhaps we'll call the Libraraian an Orangutan from now on.......... hehe!
Optimist Pessimism: If I wasn't so utterly hopeless at
sport, I'd be quite good actually!
BOYZ FROM THE DISC PART 2
Well, thanks "Smeghead" for starting it off, I might jump in and provide the next chapter if no-one minds.
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Rimmer: Uh, maybe we should get out of this dark alley. You find lots of nasty, awful, unsightly creatures in dark alleys.
Lister: Yeah, like that monkey found you.
(distant EEEEK!)
Cat: Hey, he's right man, the damp isn't good for my silk cravat, and the sequins don't glitter like they're supposed to in the dark. Let's get outta here!
(Boyz move toward mouth of alley. As Rimmer steps into the light, a sock filled with sand descends towards his head and passes through it. The others leave the alley to find a man with a bunch of boys around him. One of the boys wields the sock.)
Man: No, no, no. That's not it at all. The overhanded sock whacker is done like this. -Pardon me for just a moment sir.
Kryten: Of course he won't. Please sir, if you would allow me to volunteer my services...
Thief: Most kind of you. (grabs one of the boys) 'Ere, you have a go. Nice 'n easy, now.
(boy takes aim and swings, Kryten goes down)
Thief: (moving off) Thanks for your time, gents.
Kryten: (opening eyes) Are they gone now? Of course I wasn't really hurt, my cranial plating is far too strong. If I'd been the deluxe model with sunroof head I'd have been in trouble though!
Lister: Yeah, good one Kryters. Now I wonder if there's anything to eat around here.
(They hear a voice in the distance calling:
"Sossiges! Inna bun! Get 'em while they're hot")
“Follow that sound!”
(they all walk down the busy street but no-one notices them among all the dwarfs, witches and trolls. Lister and Cat launch into their rendition of "Red Dwarf Shuffle" and a tomato sails through the air, landing on Cat's suit)
Cat: Oh, no, look what you did to my suit, man! My
suuuiiiiittttttt!
(Kryten whips out an attachment and vacuums it off)
“Kryten, please, not in public. All these lovely ladies might get the wrong idea (turns to grin at the nearest lady, who is an old crone. The smile freezes on his face) Uhhh... let's go get that food.”
(They come to a small courtyard, with lots of people milling around. Dibbler is hard at work)
Dibbler: Sossiges! Sossiges inna bun! Get 'em while they're hot! Won't last long at this price!
Lister: Hey, pal, how much are they?
Dibbler: Depends what you're offering, Guv. I'd give you a couple for that hat you've got. And I'm cutting me own throat at that price.
(Lister is undecided)
Lister: Got any curry sauce with that?
(a voice at his feet says: "Of course. How else would he disguise the taste?"
Lister looks down but all he can see is a small dog. "Woof Woof," says the dog. "Give the nice doggie a sossige.")
“Okay then. I'll swap you me hat for one sossige for him (indicates Cat), two for me and one for the dog.
Cat: Are you kidding me? You expect me to eat that?
Lister: It's that or nothing.
Cat: Oh, all right then. I'd feel better if you'd call it a hot dog though.
Lister: (taking off his hat) Is it a deal then?
Dibbler: Done. No refunds, mind you.
(Dibbler puts on the hat and the Cat and Lister take their sossiges. Lister throws one to Gaspode the Wonder Dog and it disappears in one bite)
Lister: (taking a massive bite) Not bad at all...!
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Next episode:
Now I've done my bit, it's someone else's turn. As Smeghead so eloquently said:
Belinda
belinda@geocities.com
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/7683
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From: mbowyer@uk.cv.com (Mark R. Bowyer)
Hi,
I wish I'd been able to make this funnier, for the sake of both the original texts...
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The Boyz walk on, and come to a bridge over the river Ank, which they start to cross.
Cat: This is the dirtiest river I ever saw!
Lister: Reminds me of home...
Rimmer: Hang on a second, what are those guys doing over there?
As they watch the river flows slowly around a curve ahead of them, they see a sight that stops them in their tracks on the bridge.
Kryten: Ahoy there! May I ask what has happened to this unfortunate fellow?
The largest of the Guards, a man almost as muscular as a Troll, turns to them.
Corporal Carrot (for it is he): Unfortunate case of suicide.
Kryten: Suicide? But, But, he has obviously been hacked and bludgeoned to death! He's a bloody mess below the chest!
Carrot: Yes. Which, added to the smell of cheap alcohol on him, leads me to the conclusion that this is a suicide. This man quite obviously entered a Dwarfish drinking establishment and ordered a "short". Very sad, I wonder what led him to such a desperate act.
Rimmer: A man is brutally murdered by a bunch of short-arse barbarians, for a simple slip of the tongue, and you call it Suicide??
Carrot: (looking curiously at the men) You aren't from around here, are you? I'd be careful what I say, if I was you. The Assassin's Guild are doing a Holiday Season Special at the moment, too...
By now the 3 Guards and the body have slid under the bridge, and are approaching the next bend. Carrot gets on with his duty.
All 4 Boyz shrug, shake their heads and move on. Ahead of them is a much more busy thoroughfare.
Cat: Phew, I'm not much sure my nose can stand much more of this. This place smells worse than Lister's Dirty Underwear Quarantine Bucket.
Rimmer: Look at all these people! I've not seen so many people in one place since... well, since I died...
Cat: Hang on a second, I'm smelling something through the mess... There are *women* here! Or at least... Well, .... Not men....
Kryten: Yes sir, that would be a likely proposition. This is a thriving town. We can expect to find people of many races, let alone both sexes.
At this point they are passed by two short bearded peoplr, arm in arm. It is assumed one is female, but with dwarfs, it's difficult to tell.
Twoflower: (Yup, it's'im) Oh, sorry gentlemen, I wan't looking where I was going. But by the look of you, you're even newer in town than me. Can I help?
Rimmer: Errrr... What's that behind you?
Twoflower: My Luggage.
Rimmer: But, ermmmm, It walks?
Twoflower: Yes, of course. Doesn't yours?
Lister: Here, it seems to be looking at me rather oddly. Somehow. Without eyes and all.
Indeed, the Luggage does seem to be quivering in Lister's direction somewhat.
Twoflower: Your right. Don't know what's up with it. Not seen it act like this since it ate that Luggage Murderer a year or two ago. You've never done any harm to wooden luggage have you?
A look of sudden realisation and triumph spreads over Rimmer's face, but he decides to say nothing.
Lister: (going a bit pale) Nooooo... Not that I can recall...
Twoflower: Good, nothing to worry about then. Here, do you want me to take your picture? You being tourists here and all. I see you don't have a camera.
Kryten: Interesting. I'd noticed your camera, but had up until now been under the impression that this world had no such technology. How did you come by it?
Imp: 'Ere, you thick twit, I told ya that I woz outa Green. Now, 'Ow do you expect me to paint the ugly one with the 'Aitch on 'is 'ead wiyout any green, aye?
Twoflower: (Somewhat embarrassed in front of his new friends) Do it in black and white?
Imp: Gawd, some 'Umans 'ave no understandin' of an Imp's art.
The imp slams down the lid, and 30 seconds later a picture of the 4 slides out the side. It is perfect in every regard, except for the lack of colour, and the symbol on Rimmer's head having been replaced with a crude penis.
Kryten: Lovely, many thanks to you sir! Now, if you wouldn't mind answering a few questions? Where might we find a figure of authority in this town, and what is that pile of smouldering bricks over there?
Twoflower: Authority? Well, there's the Patrician. But nobody sees him unless he wants them to, and then they have no choice. Or the Wizards, in Unseen University, but you'll never find that. Oh, and the rubble? That was the Alchemists Guild. 2nd time this month they've blown the building apart.
Kryten: Ahhh. Well thankyou. And you say we won't find the Unseen University?
Twoflower: Of course not. Why do you think it's called Unseen?
The Boyz give there thanks and move on...
TBC'd..
----
Mark.
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From: Marc[SMTP:JOHN.P.ALDERMAN@BTINTERNET.COM]
Sent: Tuesday, August 11, 1998 10:24:13 PM
hey there is me again. Marc from marc and gavs red dwarf site. Loved the fan fic so descided to try a chapter:
BOYZ FROM THE DWARF PART 4
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The boyz continue on over the bridge, not generally looking where they are going, but instead at the picture given to them by two flower.
Lister: Hey, it looks just like you Rimmer man.
Rimmer: Yes well that imp had a great talent obviously, here let me look...........That smegging imp, what has it done?
Kryten: Well sir, it appears to have mistaken your "H" for the genitals of a human male. Quite by accident I'm sure.
Cat: It suits you goalpost head.
Unaware of where they are headed, it suddenly becomes apparent that the group are being watched, by hundreds of sets of eyes. Little do they know that they have wandered into the shades.
Rimmer: Ummmmm, I hate to alarm anyone but, there appears to be a lot of ,strange people about.
Kryten: Don't be silly sir. I'm sure that they are just the locals come to give us a friendly welcome. Lets just act normally. Look, theres a nice old man over there, I'll go and say hello.
Kryten walks up to a man siting at the side of the street.
Kryten: Good day to you sir.
Foul ol' Ron: What, hey, Oh, Bugger it. Who the hell are you.
Rimmer: We are..........Phew what a stink.
Foul ol' Ron: Its my smell, I'm very proud of it.
Rimmer: Hmmmmm, its almost as bad a s lister's dirty laundry basket.
Lister: Smeg off Rimmer. Where can we get a curry round here?
Foul ol' Ron: Oh bugger it, what do I look like, a bleedin information post, bugger off.
The boyz leave foul ol' Ron.
Kryten: What a rude man.
The group gradually travel deeper into the shades, unaware of the black cloaked figure on the rooftops above them.
Rimmer: Arrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Shoo shoo
Teatime: In all my days I have never seen a more sorry excuse for a man.
Rimmer: You don't frighten me, I'm a coward I'm always scared. Do something Guys.......guys?
At this time the rest of the boyz where hiding as best they could.
Kryten: MR LISTER SIR! We can't leave mr Rimmer in mortal danger like that.
Lister: Hes ok, hes a hologram, remember.
Cat: Damn, does that mean he can't be killed?
The boyz peering from the hiding place see teatime, quicker that a quick moving...quick...thing, take a dagger and throws it at Rimmer. At this point, time seems to freeze.
Rimmer: What happened.
Lister (walking out from hiding): I dunno.
Voice: ???????? WELL THATS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE
Rimmer: Who’s there?
Death walks slowly out of the shadows.
Death: I'M DEATH.
Rimmer: Why are you here.
Death: I MIGHT ASK YOU THE SAME THING. IT APPEARS THAT YOU DON'T EXIST.
Rimmer: Of course not...I'm dead.
Death: WELL YES OBVIOUSLY, THATS WHY I AM HERE.
Rimmer: No I've been dead for 3 million years.
Death: I SEE. SO HOW COME YOU ARE......STILL WALKING AROUND.
Death: WHAT??? OH NEVER MIND, IVE GOT ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT WITHOUT HAVING TO KILL PEOPLE WHO ARE ALREADY DEAD AND DON'T ACTUALLY EXIST. BUGGER, I COULD MURDER A CURRY.
Lister: Yes, at last someone I can relate to.
Rimmer: Um listy it may have escaped your attention but that someone is.,..death.
Lister isn't listening.
Lister: (to death) Lets go for a curry together you must know a place.
Death: WELL, YES. LETS GO THEN.
Rimmer: Lister what are you doing.
Lister: Going for a curry for smeg sake.
Rimmer: You can't go socialising with death. Kryten tell him.
Kryten: Blip, fssssssssskkkkkkkk, bzzzzzzzz
Death.......kkkrrrrrkkkk.........a person......foidrsghhg....curry.....wityh death. *Beep, logic override sequence* Sorry sir but it appears that my logic circuits have melted.
And so lister walks into the night to have a curry with death.
-- End Chapter 4 --
E-mail (Belinda) at belinda@geocities.com
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>.< http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/6061
\_/ Ross 080545@swin.edu.au
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From:
-Will Lister be the first person ever to survive two of CMOT Dibbler's sossiges?
-Will the wizards chase up Rimmer on charges of impersonating a wizard?
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY....
-Will Lister ever get his hat back?
Well all you Pratchett fans out there who wanted to be involved with this now’s your chance for fame!!!
To: Multiple recipients of list
A body lies on the surface of the river. Definitely *on*, not *in*. The River Ankh is renowned for its pollution problem.
Around it stand 3 men in uniform, one of whom is chalking around the body, which shows very clear and obvious signs of being most definitely dead.
A member of the assasins guild. Its Mr Teatime. Teatime suddenly appeared in front of the boyz. Well,
Actually, he only seemed to appear as if moving from his location to infront of the group with out covering the in between space.
Rimmer: I'm a hologram.
So... like what you've seen? Think you could do better?
Have a brilliant idea about what could happen next? Then how about writing the next chapter???
