by Ang Rosin
Originally posted to alt.tv.red-dwarf as 'Ang writes a Fanfic' on 18 Mar 1997
So,
I gets to wondering what did happen in the other Universe, when Kochanski gets out of stasis...
A grey corridor lit by neon tubes. At the end is what looks like a shower cubicle, but decorated in warning tape. We hear a man's voice, echoing eerily, "It is now safe to leave the stasis chamber".
The door of the cabinet slides across, silently.A woman steps out, clad in her smartest dress spacecore uniform. It just happens to be skin tight red rubber. Her dark hair is tied neatly back from her head, her make-up is flawless. What looks like toilet roll is trailing from the sole of one red boot. [1]
"Holly, how come not one Officer could be bothered to see if I'm out of Stasis okay?" When she speaks, it is without the trace of any accent, the result of the most expensive education. We hear the disembodied voice again, "If you'd like to make your way to a decontamination chamber, Krissie". The Officer stares at the wall, closer in, we see that it is a TV screen, with the face of a middle aged, balding man displayed upon it. She addresses the screen, "Holly, since when have you been so familiar with an Officer? And why am I going to decon? I've just come out of eighteen months stasis, not a day in Lister's sock basket. Sch sch sch." Holly winces at the humourless laugh, "Very funny, Ms Kochanski. Now if you just enter the decontamination chamber, I'll explain everything later."
We've reached the end of the corridor. In front is another little booth. To enter the booth, Krissie has to step over a pile of salt-like crystals. She stares at it in disgust, "Euich, what is this dross? Holly, order a skutter here to clean it immediately!" Holly mumbles in response, "You miserable stuck up little cow." "What was that, Holly?" she replies. Holly says, louder this time, "I'm setting up decon now."
A few minutes pass. Krissie leaves the decon chamber, ringing wet. All her make-up is running, she's trying to wipe it away with the edge of her jacket. Visibly shaken, and very annoyed she barks an order, "Holly, I want to speak to Captain Hollister, now! Have you completely gone out of your mind? Decon is a dry procedure." Holly replies, somewhat smugly, "I can't do that, Kris."
"Holly, this is not 2001 A Space Oddessy. Just get Hollister on the com."
"I told you, no can do."
Krissie squints at the panel, "There's obviously something wrong with your core program. I'll get Smithson to have a look at you. In the meantime I'll see if I can do a quick fix." She flips open a panel under Holly's screen, the face looks down, "Oy! What are you doing?" There is a crackle of electricity, and Krissie pulls her fingers away, Holly shouts, "Get off me woman, I hardly know you." Krissie sucks her finger, "I'm obviously not going to get any help off you, you deranged, half-witted computer. I'm just going to have to find Hollister myself." Quickly she flips a switch on the panel, and the screen goes blank. She sets off purposefully toward the Bridge.
The scene changes. She has reached the Bridge, with it's banks of navigation and communication equipment. All is not how she remembers it, for one, each consul is unmanned. Also, there are heaps of the same white crystals scattered around the room. She brushes one aside, and sits down by a com channel. She flips a switch, and Holly's head reappears on the screen in front of her. Simultaneously she speaks into the com apparatus, "This is Officer Kristine Kockanski speaking from the bridge." she hesitates, "This may sound corny, but is there anybody out there?"
"It won't help, you know," Holly interjects, "No one on this ship will reply."
"Why not? Have I been sent to Coventry or something?"
"In a roundabout way, yes. They're all dead."
"Who are?"
"The crew."
Krissie stares numbly at the screen in front of her. Suddenly a smile creeps over her face, "What date is this? Is it my birthday? It's a joke isn't it? Someone put you up to it, didn't they? Was it Simon?" She walks over to the corridor and shouts down it, " You can come out now!"
We see Holly's face, he looks utterly unimpressed, "Listen Kris, I ain't joshing. The whole crew are dead. There was a radiation leak that killed them."
"What all of them?"
"Gordon Bennet, YES! If it's any consolation to you, it wouldn't do you much good if any of them had survived."
"Why?"
"Well, they'd be over three million years old anyway."
Kochanski drops back down onto a seat, right into a cloud of white powder. It settles on her still damp clothes and hair, "Well, where are all the bodies, the remains?"
"You probably don't want to know."
"I do, it's still my overriding duty to give each officer a decent funeral. Some of them I was closer to than my actual family."
"Like Navigation Officer Thomas?"
"Well not particularly, why?"
"Because that's who you've just sat in."
Kochanski jumps up and tries to get the powder off her, all the time making pathtic ick noises, "I can't believe it. Are you saying that I'm stuck here on this ship alone with just the trace elements of my nearest and dearest?"
"Nah," Holly smiles, "I'm already on the case. I've reactivated the Hologram projection unit. You will have at least one companion."
"Great, who is it?"
A figure walks through the door, he's of average height and slightly above average weight. His unwashed dreadlocks are pulled untidily to the back of his head. Along with a long gone-off white t-shirt, and ripped Army fatigue bottoms he's wearing a cheery grin on his hamster-cheeked face. You can tell he's gone to some effort, as he's holding a single red rose.
He waves, "Aaarite Kris, long time no see!" he says in his heavy Scouse accent. "You!" Krissie mouths as she falls to the floor in a faint.
