Catagories:
Hyperbole/Oddities/Sarcasm/Irony
Poking Fun at Military Men
Insanity/Depression/Hope (hey, they're all the same, right?)
Writing/Love (also one in the same)
Hyperbole/Oddities/Sarcasm/Irony
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I'm sweating like a goldfish--Our own Amie, whatever she meant by that
We are what we are: idiots!--May and Laura, and everyone can understand that
There's a difference between slow and stupid, and someday I'll understand it.--May and Laura
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest, with an axe. --Anon.
Eagles fly high, but weasels don't get sucked through jet engines.--Anon.
Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone and you are God.--Jean Rostand
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.--Gloria Steinum (who recently got herself a lovely bicycle who's name escapes me currently)
To those of you who received honors, awards, and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say to you: you, too, can be president of the United States.-- George W. Bush (I know I shouldn't put Busherisms up here since they will wind up taking up a lot of space, but I couldn't help myself when I saw this one. Jeffords forever!)
It's tough being a neo-agnostic bible scholar.-- Laura
I'm not here-- Anon. (which rasises a lot of questions as to where you really are)
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. --Aldous Huxley
There cannot be a God because if there were one, I could not believe that I was not He. --Friedrich Nietzsche (don't we all love the wonderfully arrogant Nietzsche? well, i do. come on, cut him some slack; he was a fellow loony)
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. --Anon.
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!--Anon.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idoits. So far, the Universe is winning. --Rich Cook
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. --Jeremy S. Anderson
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. --Jeff Valdez (oh, the images!)
Actual Newspaper Articles
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.--Anon.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.--Anon.
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'--Richard Jeni
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?--Warren Hutcherson (sorry Sarah, I couldn't help myself)
What if there were no hypothetical situations?--Anon.
The meek shall inherit the Earth, after we're done with it.--Anon.
"Oh, these people's minds work in strange ways, Petunia, they're not like you and me," said Uncle Vernon, trying to knock in a nail with the piece of fruit cake Aunt Petunia had just brought him.-- J.K. Rowling Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Do this be it?--You won't believe this, but May said this after 4 minutes and 20 seconds of watching TV, proving once and for all that TV rots your brain, especially if you haven't built up any tolerence to it over the years
You couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance!! -Edward Flaherty
I am not trying to set you up, and you've never even seen a picture of him and he lives in New York so tell me why I would be trying to set you up with him. The reason why I want you to call is just to like get to know each other in a more - God, how can I say this without implying that I'm trying to set you up?...[intimately?]. The only reason why I'm doing this is because I want to see what the children of you two would look like - no just kidding - don't write that - no don't write that - [Nathan laughs] - are you writing that? I swear I will hurt you - *********** ******* (!@#$%^&*@#) - I just want you to become better friends... --Chris Jackson (this was copied down from a phone conversation by Nate, who my Paytonian friend Chris was ostensibly trying to set me up with. Nate and I are now pen pals, and we still don't know what our offspring would look like.)
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. --Anon.
Brother, if you don t mind, there is a cloud of glass coming at us, grab my hand, lets get the hell out of here. -Anon.
Your neck holds up the weight of a bowling ball...a bowling ball filled with knowledge. --Ms. Kathy Cassidy, my art teacher. She's ...interesting.
Yes, Mr. Winkler, it is Mark. I was just wondering if there was anything, anything at all we could put in my hair besides that stuff we're using, because it really takes a long time to get out, and like, I'm sure there's other stuff that would make my hair look greasy that doesn't take three days to get out.-- Mark Valencia, Payton student who was in a play and didn't like what the make-up crew was doing to him.
It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now. --Anon. Some of these anonymous quotes come from my diary server, so I don't know if I should give credit in that way, but some of them are pretty funny, so I'll keep posting them.
Old timer, n.: One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. --Anonymous DearDiary.net quote(hereafter referred to as DD.net. Aren't I punny, May?)
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.-- DearDiary.net said it; it must be true. it's not my fault I lose everything! Oh, wait. Yes it is. :(
Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.-- DD.net (who else?)
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.-- Ziggy
Little hellions, kids feeling rebellious... they start feeling like prisoners, helpless, 'til someone comes along on a mission... A visionary, vision is scary, could start a revolution, polluting the air waves -- Marshall Mathers (Eminem) The actual gist of this verse is a little different, but my censored version is much prettier and poignant. If you want to see the whole song, it's here, so while I am censoring, I'm not preventing you from getting at the whole thang. The song is funny. Eminem is soooo arrogant, but you've got too acknowledge and be impressed with "visionary, vision is scary" assonance (sorry, I had to learn what assonance means for English this year).
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. -Carl Jung (pronounced "yoong"), psychiatrist (1875-1961)
There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. -Chinese Proverb
Bubble-blowing is apparently an exact science.--Bridgette
Thinking requires too much thought. --May. I love May. She says the most ironically stupid things.
Nature does nothing uselessly. -Aristotle, 384-322 BCE (Just like Adam, except Adam does nothing and is useless)
Gravity brings me down. --DD.net
One such worry is that the demagogues may mislead the voters most of whom are ill-informed and ill-educated. -- A. M. Alimuzzaman. Too true, plus demagogue was one of my vocab words!
Can I call you right back? This thing's on fire. --Chris Jackson
checkuary, n: The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. --DD.net
I am an equal opportunity fangirl.--morgaisa
I will not take this insubronation! [sic]-- Alice, Paytonian friend in a rare moment of mis-speach
That will just boost my conference [sic] way up high. --Svetlana, another Paytonian friend, in a mundane moment of mis-speach
I love the male body, it's better designed than the male mind.--Andrea Newman
"It's all hopeless," my boyfriend mutters from time to time, which I kind of like in a guy, and which I almost believe to be true... --Anne Lamott (she's an awesome writer-woman, I heard her speak)
Hey, you're strange: do you understand her? -- Mr. O'roark, my math teacher from last year. The "you" is me, morgi, and the "her" is Svetlana, a friend.
Poking Fun at Military Men
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The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his.--General George Patton
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long.---Boris Yelstin (can't you just imagine old Boris getting his butt stabbed while sitting on his bayonet throne?)
I shall return.--General Douglas Macarthur, speaking about the Philippines, when he was forced to retreat to Austrailia, 1942
I have returned.-- General Douglas Macarthur, at the Philippines, 1944
Nuts. - General MacAuliffe when asked to surrender during the Battle of the Bulge, 1944
They (Women Marines) don't have a nickname, and they don't need one. They get their basic training in a Marine atmosphere, at a Marine Post. They inherit the traditions of the Marines. They are Marines.-- Lieutenant General Thomas Holcomb (you go, girls)
All right, they're on our left, they're on our right, they're in front of us, they're behind us... they can't get away this time.-- Lieutenant General Lewis B."Chesty" Puller when surrounded by 8 enemy divisions
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. --DD.net
Insanity/Depression/Hope (hey, they're all the same, right?)
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Even if the voices are not real, they have some good ideas.--Anon.(on the vouces in our heads)
That is the truest sign of insanity - insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.--Nora Ephron(that is so BPS it's freaky)
Society is like a peanut factory. There's a lot of nuts around.--Vernon Howard
Razors can pain you
Rivers are damp
Acid stains you
Drugs can cause cramp
Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful
You might as well live....
--Dorothy Parker
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not after you.--Unkown
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.--Anon.
By the inflection of his voice, the expression of his face, and the motion of his body, he signals that he is aware of all the ways he may be thought silly or jejune, and that he might even think so himself. --Jedediah Purdy, For Common Things: Irony, Trust, and Commitment in America Today (this is basically only here because my vocab word, jejune, is in it, and because the subject of the sentence is so tragic.)
And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin, writer (1903-1977)
There are times when we must sink to the bottom of our misery to understand truth, just as we must descend to the bottom of a well to see the stars in broad daylight. -Vaclav Havel, writer, Czech Republic president (1936- )
So from all of us hear in Alan's head, to all of you out there wherever you are, remember the light at the end of the tunnel may be you. Good night --Alan Miller & Aerosmith (yeah, our Alan from Kenwood. He's so loveable, stealing quotes from rock stars, n stuff.)
Strangely, somehow it is so much easier to be lonely --May
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? -Kahlil Gibran, mystic, poet, and artist
May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. --Edward Abbey
Writing/Love (also one in the same)
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Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically- to those who hardly think about us in return. --T.H. White
Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. --Cyril Connolly
If you judge people, you have no time to love them. --Mother Theresa
I will always love the false image I held of you.-- Anonymous DearDiary.net quote
Nature never did betray the heart that loved her. -William Wordsworth
For what is a poem but a hazardous attempt at self-understanding: it is the deepest part of autobiography. -Robert Penn Warren, novelist and poet (1905-1989)
A poem is never finished, only abandoned. -Paul Valery, poet and philosopher (1871-1945)
We're barefoot, waist-high in water, walking on these little rocks to get to the other side and I'm doing it because I'm an idiot and I'm following his lead. Because he's an idiot. And because he's amazing. *Bloom laughs.* I can't believe how much this is going to make me sound like I'm in love with the guy.--Orlando Bloom, on Viggo Mortensen (that is, attractive guy who plays Legolas in LOTR speaking about attractive guy who plays Aragorn- hoorah for insinuated homosexuality between attractive men)
Quotes stolen from World War II Quotes, Quotations, Newsweek, Ingrid's Quotes, DearDiary.net, Wordsmith.org, and Life Itself.
