Well... A New Year - A New Beginning...?
So I believed until everything just seemed to start going wrong...
I'd made my New Year Resolutions - Er... To find a bloke - no scratch that - a man who wants me for who I am, body AND the screwy thing in my head that counts as a mind, doesn't smoke, only drinks occassionally - is a total sexahollic who isn't afraid to try new things to keep our sex life interesting, who gets on with my mates and isn't intimidated by the fact that I'm totally insane, doesn't bore me with conversations about football constantly, isn't afraid to cuddle up and watch TV even if it's not switched on just because he wants to hold me, doesn't turn over once we've had sex and refuse to touch me for the rest of the night because 'he can't go to sleep in contact with anyone' - I NEED physical contact when I'm sleeping with someone (otherwise I get cold - hence why I have an electric blanket at home). Someone who I can trust and who I feel deserves to be able to trust me. (I'm not going to go out of my way to keep my word to someone who doesn't treat me right), someone who I can tell things to without worrying that he is going to laugh at my insecurities...
Oh, and helps if they look OK too!
And the second one was to be moved into the house by the end of January.
The first one was broken at the weekend, I ended up staying with someone who I like, but I think only wants me for my body - (which is, but shouldn't really be, OK by me.) I'm not really sure what's going on in his mind, so I don't even know if he fits the rest of it, or even if he would even want to. He's not looking for a relationship right now as far as I can gather, but nevermind...
Oh, but I must say, he has the most amazing cat who I have totally fallen in love with... *Purrrr*
The second one isn't broken so far, but after having major problems with Gary Hall, I may not have windows by then, and circumstances beyond my contol seem to be being thrown at me randomly preventing me from working at the house, so it's possible that I'll not really be moved in...
I was rather ill between Xmas and New Year, so I was unable to go to my house and work on it (the only plans that I really had for the Xmas period) so I've fallen behind schedule on the decorating (at least I've got to the decorating stage instead of just repairs and un-decorating).
Things seem to have fallen through with Steven, I met up with him once since then, (the Tuesday before Xmas) and then he didn't get in touch with me again - I just assumed that we'd grown apart and that he'd decided that things weren't going to work out. I sent him a text message on Christmas day and never received a reply until today and that was asking why I hadn't been in touch and am I still prepared to give it a try...? I'm not sure if I want to now - I'm going to be really busy and he is a far vision from my New Years Resolution... Not to mention I like the person I stayed with on Saturday... I guess I'll just have to Wait and See...
On a lighter note... New Year was a good night - I was working at The Commercial till 11.30 then everyone from Chris and Vicky's house bombarded the pub coming to pick me up. I downed the rest of my Lemsip Extra Strength (I still wasn't better from the flu/tonsilitus/sinusitus bugs that I'd developed over the Xmas period) and joined them. We went back to theirs and partied the rest of the night away (possibly with a bit too much home-made punch for some) I found a couple of the girls having a bit of a cry after in-depth discussions of problems in their past and present, not to mention worries about their future, (I'm suprised I hadn't joined them - I wasn't drunk - but I have a tendancy to cry when I'm not very well and/or drunk and a lot of their problems rang bells with me...) The blokes decided to play on the playstation whist the girls continued getting pissed playing cards for shots (I meandered in and out between rooms having the occassional drink but not wanting to get pissed due to large consumption of painkillers and Lemsip earlier in the night). Vicky got a little bit too tipsy and it ended up where I had to carry her upstairs to bed (which as soon as I came downstairs, she promptly crawled back out and to the toilet to be sick!) A couple of people had gone home and the rest of us started to chill out and watched Miss Congeniality at 6am.
I think I got 20 minutes sleep all night...
While I was away over the Xmas holidays, I have been accepted into the Women of Strength and Inner Beauty group, which is made up of women who do not discriminate anyone for anything beyond their control, including age, race, sexual preference, and religion. I still have many aspects of the group to explore, but am proud to display my personalised banner...
The last weekend has to have been the strangest weekend for me ever... Saturday was almost normal, I got up and went shopping for the house, picking up some cute sea-life things for the bathroom, not to mention the rest of the wallpaper for the back bedroom and the whole duvet set for it too. (Lots more pennies spent now). Did some painting in the bathroom and started to think about putting the wallpaper up in there on the Sunday (I can't afford to tile it all yet and in a couple of years I'll need to put a whole new suite in if I can afford it). Went home and got ready to babysit Molly (4) and Stephanie (11) from 2 doors round the street. The first thing that happens after Angela and Ial leave is that Molly is promptly sick, so I had to get her into the bath and cleaned up and into bed (with a story about a blue kangaroo and a story about a dog with a waggy tail) then had to clean up the bathroom and her manky PJ's. *shudder*!
Steph had a look at the web-page and then went to bed, so I stayed awake reading the 4th Harry Potter book, (borrowed from Stephanie!).
3am (after I'd got home and been dozing for about an hour (I'm not really sleeping well at the minute) I got a phonecall from the afore-mentioned person who asked me to come over to his coz he wanted company. I finally relented and went over (everyone in the house was awake anyway) and we talked and messed on and drank Baileys (or was that just me! ~:o) and slept in each others arms and woke up with the most amazing and cute cat (sorry Bramble, but it's un-deniable) curled up in front of my tummy keeping warm with my body-heat. It was really nice.
Then I got a taxi home and Mam got a phonecall that her friend's mother had collapsed and didn't seem to be breathing. We sprinted round in time to try and revive her, but only managing to see her last breath before she passed on before our eyes. We did what we could but she was gone - cups of tea were made and passed round - the ambulances and doctors finally arrived and left - the undertakers came and took her to the chapel of rest and it was all so... I don't know strange - as though I'd stepped out of reality for a little while. We stayed with Mam's friend and her Dad until her brother arrived then went home to get on with our lives... I guess... I've not really been focusing since - people keep asking me if I'm OK after witnessing my first taste of death, and I don't know what worries me more - the fact that I think I am OK but don't really feel myself, or the fact that everyone expects me not to be OK.
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