Month Two
Here we are- month two. Didn't think The Prophecies would make it this far? Well, thanks a lot. Onto the main event. I'd like to remind you all that I like cheese.
Late 2002 – George W. Bush adds Libya, Saudi Arabia, and Alaska to the Axis of Evil.
Later 2002 – Mexico expresses discontent after being left out of Axis of Evil, Bush adds them to much worse Axis of Crap.
2003 – Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge dresses as the Easter Bunny and unveils 4 new colors in the rainbow: Teal, Hot Pink, Mac and Cheese, and Michael Jackson.
2004 – After a heartbreaking divorce from wife Brooke in 2002, Jeff Gordon remarries to Gene Simmons of KISS.
2006 – In a not so surprising development, the J-Man Prophecies feature proves to be the laughingstock of Elmwood, despite the fact that none of the predictions were "humorous."
2007 – New fad hits London, kids begin eating plants for fun.
2008 – Hot air balloons are banned after mass hysteria surrounding air.
2010 – Mrs. Ault retires and accepts a job as Ohio’s first Math Kaiser.
2011 – People stop using trains after conductors, fearing terrorist activities, offer to pat down and strip-search the sexiest 1% of the population.
2013 – Class of 2003 has 10 year reunion, everyone is shocked when Frank shows up naked. Further shock ensues as to who changed their name to Frank.
2016 – US Government outlaws orange juice after extensive research shows Osama bin Laden once ate an orange.
2019 – Nuclear powered ovens called Nuke Ovens invented, have the ability to cook a turkey in three milliseconds. No word yet on what a fork would do.
2021 – When cloning is legalized, a good set of genes will cost $10,000, but you’ll be able to get a used pair at the Salvation Army for about $3.00.
2023 – Kids fall in love with Fox’s new cartoon entitled “Let’s Shoot Up Heroin!” starring the lovable Robert Downey Jr.
2028 – Scientist discover that Andy Ricter really DOES control the universe.
2032 – The skies rain chicken after a terror attack on the Tyson Chicken factory.
2033 – Renegade baseball at a Yankees game hits three players in the head, one in balls.
2036 - Kids realize that glue really IS made of horses. Kids now ask friends to "pass the horse juice."
2038 – After much pressure from the press, the Republican Party changes its name to “Puppy Haters and Satanic Cult Members Who Rip the Heads Off of Stuffed Bunnies.”
2479 – Volcanic eruptions result from “Friends 2” getting canceled. Entire cities engulfed in seas of lava. NBC sends a formal apology to the lava gods.
2832 – After countless recounts, Florida finally gives the ballots to a 5 year old, who counts them right and announces Al Gore won in 2000.
2833 – Demented lawyers force the rest of the population into slavery.
2834 – Meteor shower turns ugly when “the big one” hits. Earth is instantly destroyed except for Greenland. Greenlanders breathe a sigh of relief.
Onto Month Three.
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