But he found himself stuck in the house alone. He couldn’t go anywhere because he was drunk. Unfortunately, not too drunk to make the troubles go away though. He thought he had it under control, even his AA Counsellor had warned him of a relapse, that he should keep tabs or signs that might show he was leading towards it, but he was too proud for his own self. He thought he could handle it. He thought wrong.
His first reaction was to call Howie up, but that plan was ditched as soon as he thought about it. What made it okay for him to just call Howie and dump his burden on him when he had never made any attempts to call him before? Sure he had played around the idea but he never really did anything to make it happen. And what did he do when Sarah told him that Howie called when he was away? Nothing.
Because apparently, AJ was done with the Backstreet Boys and everything else that it stood for. Of course that wasn’t what he wanted, for the Backstreet Boys was the only thing that was constant in his life, but he was also a depressed, pissed off young man, and that gave him the right to ignore the very people who cared for him. In his own little world, AJ McLean stood alone.
But an unexpected phone call changed everything. To this day, he often wondered why he had even answered the call, being that he was still rather drunk and lost.
“ It’s me, Jojo.”
“ Hey, wassup.”
“ Listen, Nick is coming down to the station in two days. We’re gonna let some fans in and he’s doing his thing...I thought maybe you’d drop by, surprise the kid a little.”
He didn’t even know what he was letting himself into until he heard his voice promising his friend that he’d come.
“ Damn it AJ, you’re such a dick.”
-
AJ was late because he was simply AJ. He loves grand entrances, if given the opportunity, he would make a pyrotechnic performance to announce his arrival. But he was overcome with nervousness and fear of what Nick’s reaction would be when he saw him. This way, when the fans were there and they were live on air, Nick couldn’t haul his ass out of there quicker than AJ could say Bone Daddy.
“ Have the guys heard your album yet?”
“ Yeah...I sent them copies.”
“ So what did they say?”
Nick was laughing softly and AJ could already picture how silly Nick looked then without even seeing him. That was his trait, laugh when he was nervous or unsure. It’ll buy him time, he had explained once. Perhaps, if he saved his ass this time, Nick would be grateful and wouldn’t think of kicking him for being an ass.
“ I say it rocked, just like it should.”
Yup, no need for pyrotechnics, AJ McLean can make girls scream just by being there. The look on Nick’s face was priceless.Â
He went over to the group of fans and gave them each a hug, sighing in relief that there were only about twenty of them that could fit the studio. Once everything was settled, he greeted Jojo before finally stopping next to Nick, who had already stood up, looking at him.
“ What? Don’t tell me you’re that surprised to see me.”
Nick smiled, he always smiled when he was unsure what to say. “ Yeah, I am.”
It felt like an eternity just to stand there with Nick looking at him expectantly. His eyes questioning his very presence there. Fortunately, there was no anger or hatred in there, just the same old Nick when he was confused. AJ decided to make the first move.
“ Wassup bro?”He moved forward for a hug, and was glad when Nick reached out for a hug too. It felt good to hug him again, the comfort and love he felt radiating from Nick to him was overwhelming; given that they were somewhere private, he might have just broke down.
“ I’m good, how have you been Alex?”Nick barely whispered. AJ closed his eyes for a moment, he wanted to tell him how much it sucked to be him right now, but he refrained. Today, he was there to support his brother, not to dump load on him.
“ I’m fine.”
Breaking the hug, AJ settled on the seat next to Nick and just like the personas they played on stage, Nick Carter and AJ McLean settled comfortably as the celebrities people looked and perceived them to be. Carefree and fun to be around. They joked and answered questions from the fans and AJ even broke into a verse of Help Me together with Nick.
“ Dude, better not let me sing the whole thing man or no one’s gonna want to hear you sing it anymore.”
Nick frowned. “ Why, you sing that bad?”
AJ laughed. “ No you moron, I sang it better.”
Nick laughed and slapped him hard on his shoulder a few times. “ No way dawg.”
“ So AJ, off Now Or Never, what’s your favourite song?”Jojo asked.
AJ didn’t even need to think of an answer, but he was sure not to look at Nick then, because looking at him might just bring tears to his eyes. “ Miss America. I’d kill for that song, I mean, that song is so damn sexy, something I would sing about. I can already see the video man...”
“ Dirty.”Jojo laughed.
“ Yeah, too dirty.”
“ This is interesting, Nick, if you were to make a video for Miss America, how do you picture it would be like?”Jojo asked, taking Nick by surprise.
Nick went silent.
“ Now we have to be patient, this is a very rare process Nick’s doing right now, he’s actually going to think.”AJ teased, almost instantly breaking Nick’s concentration.
“ Shut up man.”
“ Come on Nick, tell already, you can’t think too hard dude, you’re gonna fry your brain.”
Nick shook his head and smirked before starring at the fans. The sly Nick Carter smirk that hinted something nasty. “ I’m not sure about the entire clip, but I’m going to go commando at the end of it with a girl.”
The entire studio ruptured into screams and squeals.
“ And that’s why this video is never gonna happen.”Nick laughed. The crowd groaned. “ I’m sorry but this song ain’t gonna be a single.”
The joked around some more and then Nick had to go to the studio next door as he and his band mates prepared to perform an unplugged version to Help Me. AJ spent his time talking and messing around with the fans, often rambling of stupid things just to occupy his time. It was a great escape for him, finally he was out of the damn house and even if it meant going to a radio station and meeting up with fans and doing the things that he was running away from, he had felt good. And he never thought seeing Nick again was going to give him a sense of belonging, but it did.
Right here, in the small studio, with fans, friend and a brother, he felt at home.
His sanctuary lasted for an hour and now they were about to end the show. He wasn’t prepared for goodbyes, for once he and Nick were left on their own, he knew his fears would come back. Why was he here again?
“ I’d like to thank Nick for taking time out to visit us today.”Jojo said.
“ Thanks for having me, I appreciate it and the fans for coming and to those waiting outside, I love you all, you’re the reason why I’m doing this.”Nick said.
“ And to AJ for being our surprise guest today. Thanks for coming out man.”
“ I’m just here to support this little devil, thanks for having me.”
“ Who’re you calling little?”Nick asked. “ I’m bigger than you dawg.”
“ Okay, huge devil.”
“ Who’re you calling devil?”
“ Nick dude chill, you’d rather I call you some other worst names?”
Nick laughed. “ You wouldn’t.”
“ Just try me dawg, I will.”AJ played along.
“ We’ll settle this outside man, Jojo’s about to haul our asses out if we don’t.”
“ You can’t say ass on radio man.”AJ said.
“ You just said it!”Nick argued. The fans laughed at their antics. This was the easiest part, to make people laugh. They could have been at the lowest point of their lives but shove them into the limelight and the Backstreet Boys persona will shine through. It wasn’t a burden though, at least not for AJ, because it was the only place where he could leave everything behind and just be what he was born to be, entertain the world and have fun doing it.
Funny, he thought it was only yesterday when he told himself he wanted to get away from it all.
“ We can never officially end a show whenever these guys are around,”Jojo joked. “ at least today, we have only two fifths of them, imagine if all five were here.”
Yeah, imagine that.
“ You’re just gonna have to make a sleep over in the studio.” Nick said.
“ Along with the girls.”AJ contributed, sending more screams in the studio.
“ Okay, Chris is already giving me the signal that we’re going to for commercial break in 2 minutes, but before we go, AJ, we know you’re proud of Nick’s efforts and all, any advice for the man himself, you know, for the touring later on,”Jojo asked as he paused and looked at Nick. “ you will have a tour right?”
Nick nodded. “ Yeah, in a few months to come.”
AJ scratched his goatee, what kind of advice would you give a guy who is much younger than him and had handled fame better than he had?
“ Well, I don’t think there’s nothing that he doesn’t already know, we started it out together so whatever I’ve experienced, he had too. The ups, the down. That’s the problem I guess Nick kinda has to deal throughout his career...they see him as this young boy caught in a group of adults and they are quick to think that Nick is helpless on his own. Thing is, when you’re in this business, you learn to take care of yourself and you kinda grow up faster than your peers. Nick can do anything with the Backstreet Boys and he can do anything he wants to on his own, he’s that great.”
“ You guys really look up to each other huh.”
AJ nodded his head, making sure his eyes was looking at Jojo and not at Nick. “ Of course. I mean, we compliment each other you know...I’m proud of him for doing this, I listen to I Stand For You and I totally get what he meant. It’s one of those inspirational songs that fans should really listen to. I’m glad he wrote that song.”
He didn’t see it coming, but there he was, suddenly wrapped around a pair of hands that pulled in for a bear hug. A sloppy kiss was planted on his cheek, with his voice going ‘mwah!’ at the end.
“ I love you too dawg.”Nick laughed, seeing how disgusted AJ looked. The fans however, broke into a chorus of ‘awww’.
“ This ain’t over bro.”AJ said, sending him a glare that only got them all laughing even harder. Inside however, AJ wouldn’t mind being smothered and hugged like that by Nick any time.
-
Someone please slap him tight on the face because he definitely thought he was in a dream. It was almost midnight and there he was, lying in the dark in his hotel room, with AJ. Both wide awake, both silent. The last time they actually shared a room, let alone a bed, was when he was thirteen. Even then, it was in some cheap motel and the bed was smaller and reeked with every movement they made. He remembered being unable to sleep a wink that night. So was AJ. And they had ended up talking all night, dreaming up a future where they would own huge houses [make that several huge houses, AJ had cut in then], big cars, [like ten of those in different colours], nice expensive clothes [and hats], millions of albums sold, to tour around the world, have their own jet, [buy a few Mickey D’s joint] and a few of those Grammies.
Except for the Grammies, they had everything they ever dreamt of and ten years down the road, they realized that with those dreams, came a huge price tag. If only it came in the form of dollar signs, it wouldn’t be a problem because they had plenty of those to last a few lifetimes, but when it cost them their mental and emotional sanity, it could get bad, very bad.
“Whatcha thinking?”
“How to fall asleep.”
“You shouldn’t think then, blondie.”
“I can’t sleep.”
“Cause you’re thinking!”
“Then you must be thinking too.”
AJ sighed. How could he ever sleep if he kept asking himself what the hell was he doing there all the time? Nick was casual about his appearance, throughout the day, they were never left alone, his group of band mates constantly there with them. AJ got to know all of them and realized why Nick was so eager to break free from them.
Years spent in the business made him grow up too fast and sometimes, AJ forgot that he was only 25. Guys his age would be starting their career, making a living on their own, spend their Saturday nights with guys from work or getting in touch with friends from College, watch superbowl or go to the nightclub and check out the girls.
Not settling down.
“I’m in a mess Nick.”
He felt him shift next to him, the bed making waves as he did so. In the dark, he could see Nick’s silhouette now lying on his stomach, his face just next to him that he could feel his warm breath on his cheeks. He could only imagine the frown that went together with it.
“Are you drinking again J?”
“Yeah.”
Nick shifted again and he felt the young man moving further from him. AJ stared ahead, he had told himself not to expect much from him or anybody else. He had let everyone down, he deserved to be left alone and rot. The table lamp on Nick’s side was on, blinding him momentarily but he didn’t utter a single word. Nick came back and was now sitting on the bed looking at him.
What do you know, he wasn’t going to leave him alone after all.
“So what’s next?” Nick asked.
“That’s not even the worst part of it.” AJ said and even after that confession, Nick had sat there, patiently waiting for him to explain himself further. This was unusual for Nick wasn’t known for being patient.
“I was in a mess, I was having doubts about Sarah and I...” AJ closed his eyes, this was going to be harder than he thought.
“You what?”
“I had a fling with my AA buddy behind her back and she found out.”
“You had sex?”
“Yeah.” AJ opened his eyes and once again, Nick looked calm, not a trace of accusation or disappointment on his face.
“You still love Sarah?”
“That’s the problem man, she’s everything to me.” AJ pushed himself up and sat facing him on the bed.”I fucked up big time bro, she’s left and she won’t be coming back.”
“Why don’t you settle your mess one at a time?” Nick said. “Get yourself sober first. Honestly bro, she won’t be talking to you anytime soon. You gotta give her space.”
“I know, I’m not planning on asking her either. She deserves better.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth. I wouldn’t wanna spend the rest of my life with me either.” AJ said.”Trust is everything man, and I lost that with her.”
Nick sighed. AJ tried to find that disappointment in his face, something that he was sure to see in Kevin and Brian or even Howie once he decided to talk to them and tell them that the wedding was off; but there was none. It was getting hard to read Nick these days, that hardly happened before.”Get yourself straightened out first, deal?”
AJ nodded.”Don’t you wanna know why?”
“Why what?”
“Why I drank again, why I fucked up?”
Nick shrugged.”That’s not important. Just remember what you told me once about not getting drowned with the whole fame thing kay? You’ll be alright, you always have.”
AJ shook his head slowly as he stared ahead.”I’m not sure about that...I think I’m one of those people who’ll die lonely...you know, unloved?”
“Shut up man, stop talking like that.”
“Have you ever wondered, what if that someone in your life you already had let you go?”
Nick scratched his head. Love was never a good department in his life.”If Sarah’s the one, she’ll come back.”
“I’m not talking about her.”
“Who then?”
AJ shifted his gaze back to Nick; he was looking back at him expectantly, it reminded him of their younger days when Nick would start jumping and bugging him until he would tell him what was on his mind. These days, that excitement could only be seen if one really looked and paid attention to his blue eyes.
“My first girlfriend when I was 14.”
Nick’s eyes widened.”The one who died in a car accident?”
“Yeah. She was cute and we never fought. I really thought I was going to marry her someday, I even told her so.”
“You were 14 AJ...and besides, she’s dead.”
“Exactly.”
Nick frowned.”It’s almost midnight man and I’m kinda slow.”
AJ groaned, sometimes he wished Nick could be less oblivious.”I already had my only love and she died, so I’m going to spend the rest of my life alone.
“If you honestly think that, then you’re more messed up that you thought you are.”
“Maybe I am.”
“Maybe you are.” Nick snapped.
AJ reached out for the pack of cigarettes on the side table next to him and pulled out a stick that he stuck in between his lips. He lit up, watching the small fire flicker steadily. Nick was silent all the time, patiently waiting. He took the first puff, letting the poison enter his body and his mind. To AJ though, it meant having a few minutes of bliss, where his mind would be cleared from any troubled thoughts.
Nick’s light coughing brought him back to where he was – on the bed in a hotel room.
“You okay?” AJ asked when his coughing didn’t seize.
“Thought you quit.” Nick said.
“I thought so too.”
“Ah well, nobody’s perfect.” Nick chuckled, only to be caught half way with a cough again.
AJ shook his head and scrunched the half smoked cigarette on the palm of his hand and aimed it blindly into the bin.
“Wuss.”
“Shuddup.”
“You should really get used to smokes.”
“What the hell for?” Nick asked.
“You’re gonna play gigs in pubs and clubs right?” Nick nodded. “Well, do I need to spell it out for you what they do there? Ain’t go no fifteen year olds man...smoke, beer and women who wouldn’t give a second thought about flashing their boobs...those are gonna be there.”
“Yeah.”
“Just don’t get caught up with it too much. Living example here.”
“I know.” Nick sighed.”Why are you here J?”
The question caught him off guard. Why couldn’t they just sleep like any normal people and have conversations over breakfast, where there is actually sun?
“Lots of reasons.”
Nick rolled his eyes and got out of bed, heading towards the mini fridge at the right corner of the room. Taking out a bottle of Evian, he approached the bed again and sat at the edge. Pulling out the drawer of the side table, he fished out the familiar orange bottle and popped two of the yellow tablets.
“You still taking that shit?” AJ asked.
“Metabolism.”
“Sure you’re not addicted to it?”
Nick raised an eyebrow.”I don’t do that shit man.” AJ smiled.”I know.”
“So, care to tell me at least one of those reasons?”
“You.”
“Not to sound ungrateful, but why the hell me?”
“I think the silent treatment is going too far, don’t you?”
Nick shrugged.”I don’t know, it’s not my place to say anything.”
“Sure you do.”
Nick turned so that he could see AJ directly, his face turned serious and AJ felt himself gulp involuntarily.
“No, I don’t. I’m not the one who walked out that day, I’m the culprit remember? It’s up to you guys to decide how long you’re gonna hate me, but I’m not gonna just sit around and start feeling sorry for myself, life’s too short for that.”
"They don't hate you Nick."
"Really? Cause it sure felt like it." Nick snapped. "And how come I have to find out about Leigh's prenancy from a fan? What, he hated me that much that he didn't want me to know I'm about to be an uncle?"
"Did you call him?"
"To congratulate them you mean?" AJ nodded.
"I don't think he even wants me to know the happy news, why should I call?"
"Cause you're Frack and you love him." Nick snickered. "Did you call him?" "No, Sarah sent an email...from the both of us."
"Wow, that's sincere."
AJ chuckled. "I know...Leigh must be thinking some kind of friends Brian has."
"This definitely wasn't how I see us react when one of us about to become a dad."
"I know, it should be a big deal." AJ said.
"Brian must be feeling like shit."
"He ain't the only one."
Nick sighed and moved in to lay back down on the bed. "You know J, we only have ourselves to save us, no one is gonna help."
"I know...it's going to be hard now but I have only one way to go."
Nick nodded. "Yup, get back up."
"By the way, I saw Making The Video, so Howie came huh?"
Nick smiled. "Yeah, surprised me like you did today. I'm glad."
"How is he?"
"Good actually...I think the only thing that's troubling him is us. Why don't you call him?"
"I will...and you'll call Brian?"
"Who's gonna call Kevin then?"
AJ frowned. "You don't call Kevin, bro...he always call us. Haven't you learn?"
When AJ left the next day, Nick had pulled him in a hug and thanked him. What for, AJ had asked.
For not hating me anymore, Nick had said as he gave him one of his crooked smirks.
“I’ve never hated you, I hated the circumstances we were in.”
AJ left with a renewed sense of hope. Nick might not know it, but he had helped AJ to come to his senses. Life’s too short, why hate when you can love?
He fished out his cell phone as he waited for his flight, punching in the familiar digits. It rang five times [he counted out of boredom] before it was answered.
The silent treatment had stretched too long; it’s time to start talking again and face the music.
