Quiet Heart
Part One
Author: Kinkyhobbit
Pairing: EW/DM
Genre: RPS
Rating: M
Warnings: Angst, stupidity, betrayal, confusion, love, reconciliation,
passion, friendship. All the things that let you know you’re alive. And a bit
of language.
Disclaimer: I’m not responsible for these people, which is
probably good considering what I keep putting them through. Luckily for them, I
made it all up.
Summary: Elijah and Dom are having trouble.
No matter how far you’ve come,
You’ve always got further to go.
I tried to tell you,
I can only say it when we’re apart.
About this storm inside of me,
And how I miss your quiet, quiet heart.
Quiet Heart, The
Go-Betweens.
His mother once told
him trust was the core of everything. Without trust, everything else faltered.
She hadn’t specifically said friendship and love faltered, but he wished she
had. It might have saved him from learning it the hard way. Stupid boy, he
should have known.
He did know he’d been
lucky. He'd messed up a few times, and Dom forgave him every time. Cried and
forgave. Accepted his stupidity and loved him anyway. But when they were apart
he got so lonely, he needed something, anything, from anybody. He would fall,
and it was a long climb back to get Dom’s trust. Sometimes he felt he never
quite got there before he fell again. To make matters worse, each slip saw a
bit of that trust destroyed, and now he was sure there was almost nothing left.
The rumours didn’t
help either. Elijah had never lied to Dom, he'd always been totally honest. But
he'd slipped often enough, and there were rumours often enough, that Dom could
never be sure. The rumours, true or not, tainted everything. Elijah knew and
understood, but it still made him angry.
So the distrust grew,
darkly, in the background. It followed them around the house and gradually
filled it. He could see it in Dom's face. He had begun to see it in the faces
of their friends. He resented it and took that resentment out on Dom, and that
only made things worse.
They still had sex,
only it wasn't an expression of love any more, it was a substitute for
communication. They just couldn't talk to each other so they would fuck instead.
It would start with a fight, with frustration at not being able to get through
to one another. Quick and rough, it took no longer than was absolutely
necessary to get it done. He missed those long, lazy afternoons of lovemaking
and wanted them back. He suspected Dom felt the same way, but neither of them
knew how to make it happen.
He also suspected
that, like himself, Dom stayed because of the sex. When even that was gone,
then they would really know it was over. The sex, however bad it was, gave them
some hope. They just didn't know where to start.
He had to do something
to make it right, but they were in each other’s faces so much there was no time
to think. He loved Dom, that was the only thing he was certain of. He loved him
and hated himself for feeling angry and resentful. He was the one who started
fucking around with others, he was the one who gave Dom all that fear and
distrust, knowing the rumours would only nurture it.
All of this was his
fault so he brought the subject up, knowing full well how fucking pathetic and
clichéd it sounded but sincerely believing it was the best thing for both of
them.
“I think we need a
break,” he said.
He’d just ducked
outside for a smoke and was standing in the doorway. His hand shook and he dropped
ash on the carpet.
Dom was reading a
magazine. He didn’t look up, and Elijah wondered for a moment if Dom had heard
him. He was about to speak again when Dom sighed and put the magazine down in
his lap, and looked up at him.
“Yeah?” he said grimly.
“Are you dumping me?”
Elijah tossed his
cigarette into the garden and shook his head, frowning. “No, fuck, I…I just
think we need a break from each other.”
Dom was staring at him
so hard he felt like he was lying, even though he wasn’t. He couldn’t think of
anything else to say, so he just turned and went back outside.
That night they went
to the launch of Viggo’s new exhibition and Elijah didn’t feel comfortable at
all. He lurked in a corner stealing drinks from the staff whenever they passed.
He hadn’t planned on getting drunk, but it looked like he was improvising in
that direction.
Viggo noticed him
alone and wandered over, a glass in his hand, the hint of a smile on his lips.
“Are you making an exhibition of yourself, Elijah?”
Elijah shook his head,
groaning. “Ha ha.”
Viggo just shrugged.
“You set yourself up for that.” He held out his other arm and Elijah smiled and
stepped into the hug. Viggo ruffled his hair gently then let him go.
“So how’s things?”
“Okay,” he mumbled,
leaning against the wall and swirling the liquid in his glass.
“Some less okay than
others,” commented Viggo, nodding in Dom’s direction.
“It’s that obvious?”
“Only to someone who’s
known you both for longer than five minutes.”
Elijah smiled briefly.
“Oh, well then.”
Viggo leaned against
the wall beside him and fixed his blue eyes on him.
Elijah looked at him
and sighed. “It’s me,” he said simply. “It’s entirely me. I’m a fucking idiot.”
“You’re an adult, you
know what you have to do.”
“Yeah, I know.” Still
swirling his drink.
“Get your shit
together.” Viggo took a sip from his glass.
“I know.” Elijah
drained his. He glanced at Viggo and saw the smile lurking there, and playfully
nudged him.
They watched the
milling crowd silently. Dom and Billy were on the other side of the room. Dom
had already glanced at him more than once.
“He doesn’t trust you
anymore,” said Viggo.
“Can’t blame him.”
Elijah sighed and fidgeted, pushing a hand into the pocket of his jeans. “I
said today I think we need a break from each other.”
Viggo raised an
eyebrow. “What did Dom say?”
“He asked if I was
breaking up with him.”
“A fair question, I
would have asked it.”
“Yeah, thanks Viggo.”
“Well?”
Elijah looked at him
questioningly. “Well what?”
“Are you breaking up
with him?”
He pulled a face. “No,
I…I love him but…everything’s so fucked up.” He sighed in frustration.
Viggo put his arm
around him and hugged him again. “Running away isn’t going to help, you know.
Self-pity won't either. You’ve got to talk to each other eventually. Especially
if you suspect he's close to leaving.”
“But every time we
talk, we fight. It’s horrible, I hate it.”
Viggo pulled him a
little closer and Elijah let his head fall against Viggo’s chest.
“Why don’t you have
all the answers?” he asked, half seriously.
Viggo shrugged. “I
gave you an answer, you just didn’t like it.” He sighed. “Look, you know if you
need anything, you need only ask.”
Elijah hugged him
tightly. “Thanks. That means a lot.”
It had been a good
night really, he’d just felt uncomfortable. Orli and Billy were both a little
strange. He knew everybody was talking about him and Dom, analysing their
relationship. Probably laying blame somewhere. It was starting to affect
everyone.
Elijah thought about
it on the drive home. His mind was fuzzy with alcohol, so he wasn’t paying too
much attention to the silence between them.
Eventually Dom spoke.
“So what did you and Viggo talk about?”
Elijah sighed. “He was
asking about us, if we were okay.”
“Oh.”
Silence.
“What did you tell him?”
“That…I told him what
happened today.”
“What did he say?”
“Just told me to get
my shit together.”
Dom didn’t laugh. “You
two were getting pretty cosy.”
Elijah turned and
gazed at him, trying to focus. “What? Do you think…me and Viggo?”
Dom didn't look at him
and his face didn't change.
“There's nothing going
on, Dom. Now you're getting paranoid.”
Dom laughed now. That
bitter laugh he kept for when he couldn't think of anything to say.
“Dom, I…I was serious
this afternoon. I really think we should have a break away from each other.”
“Yeah,” he sighed
sadly. “Whatever you want.”
Dom didn’t say
anymore. Elijah watched his face as he drove, but he didn’t give much away.
Elijah felt guilty and reached out, resting his hand gently on Dom’s thigh
until they got home.
They entered the house
and went through the motions, undressing and preparing for bed, not speaking.
Elijah wondered if his parents were like this before they split, and in that
moment he made his decision.
They fell into bed, Elijah
drunk and close to passing out. They slid together, their bodies familiar and
comfortable, but unthinking. Elijah could feel Dom’s chest moving as he
breathed.
Elijah quickly faded,
drifting into sleep. The last thing he felt before slipping under completely
was Dom’s arm being pulled from beneath him, and Dom turning away.
Kinkyhobbit 2002
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