Chapter Eight: Why You Should Call Before You Visit

          “And the title of this chapter is… The Deathday Party!” James announced. There was silence for a few minutes. “Where’s my crickets?”

          Sirius immediately began to make fake (and extremely bad) cricket noises, much to the amusement of everyone but Lily. James then cleared his throat and began to read….

October arrived, spreading a damp chill over the grounds and into the castle. Madam Pomfrey, the nurse, was kept busy by a sudden spate of colds among the staff and students.

          Sirius- Déjà vu.

          James- Yeah.

 Her Pepperup potion worked instantly, though it left the drinker smoking at the ears for several hours afterward. Ginny Weasley, who had been looking pale, was bullied into taking some by Percy. The steam pouring from under her vivid hair gave the impression that her whole head was on fire.

          Sirius- Heheh. Cool.

          Harry- Only not, because I don’t want Ginny to burn up.

          Sirius- Well, we’ll light Malfoy’s hair on fire, then.

          Harry- ::smirks:: He’d look horrible with red hair, wouldn’t he?

          Peter- I thought fire was usually orange?

          James- Magic, Peter, magic.

          Peter- …Oh yeah….

          Others- …

Raindrops the size of bullets thundered on the castle windows for days on end; the lake rose, the flower beds turned into muddy streams, and Hagrid's pumpkins swelled to the size of garden sheds.

Sirius- Hmm…. big pumpkins.

Remus- Didn’t you say that last chapter?

          Sirius- Uh…. I think so. Why?

          Remus- No reason, just wondering.

 Oliver Wood's enthusiasm for regular training sessions, however, was not dampened, which was why Harry was to be found, late one stormy Saturday afternoon a few days before Halloween, returning to Gryffindor Tower, drenched to the skin and splattered with mud.

Sirius- Which poor old Filch will have to clean up.

Remus- Good for him. It’s not that hard with magic, really.

Harry- ::snickers::

Remus/Sirius- What?

Harry- Nothing, nothing. You’ll find out soon.

Even aside from the rain and wind it hadn't been a happy practice session. Fred and George, who had been spying on the Slytherin team, had seen for themselves the speed of those new Nimbus Two Thousand and Ones. They reported that the Slytherin team was no more than seven greenish blurs, shooting through the air like missiles.

James- Gryffindor will still win!

Sirius- Yeah! Slytherins suck, they can’t win!

Remus- Exactly!

Others- …

As Harry squelched along the deserted corridor he came across somebody who looked just as preoccupied as he was. Nearly Headless Nick, the ghost of Gryffindor Tower, was staring morosely out of a window, muttering under his breath, "…don't fulfill their requirements…half an inch, if that…"

Remus- I wonder what this is about?

Lily- Probably his not-quite-decapitated head.

Remus- Hmm…. Yes, most likely.

"Hello, Nick," said Harry.

"Hello, hello," said Nearly Headless Nick, starting and looking round. He wore a dashing, plumed hat on his long curly hair, and a tunic with a ruff, which concealed the fact that his neck was almost completely severed. He was pale as smoke, and Harry could see right through him to the dark sky and torrential rain outside.

Sirius- Tends to happen on rainy days when you’re by a window and looking through a ghost.

James- …Sirius, shut up.

Sirius- Why?

James- Because I said so, why else?

Sirius- Maybe I don’t want to shut up.

James- Maybe you do want to shut up.

Sirius- I don’t!

James- You do!

Sirius- I don’t!

James- You do!

Sirius- I don’t!

Remus- Both of you, shut up already! James, get back to the book!

James/Sirius- ::gulp nervously and mock salute Remus:: Sir, yes, Sir!

Remus- …

"You look troubled, young Potter," said Nick, folding a transparent letter as he spoke and tucking it inside his doublet.

"So do you," said Harry.

"Ah," Nearly Headless Nick waved an elegant hand, "a matter of no importance…. It's not as though I really wanted to join…. Thought I'd apply, but apparently I 'don't fulfill requirements'—"

In spite of his airy tone, there was a look of great bitterness on his face.

"But you would think, wouldn't you," he erupted suddenly, pulling the letter back out of his pocket, "that getting hit forty-five times in the neck with a blunt axe would qualify you to join the Headless Hunt?"

All- ::wince:: Ow….

"Oh—yes," said Harry, who was obviously supposed to agree.

"I mean, nobody wishes more than I do that it had all been quick and clean, and my head had come off properly, I mean, it would have saved me a great deal of pain and ridicule. However—" Nearly Headless Nick shook his letter open and read furiously:

 

"'We can only accept huntsmen whose heads have parted company with their bodies. You will appreciate that it would be impossible otherwise for members to participate in hunt activities such as Horseback Head-Juggling and Head Polo. It is with the greatest regret, therefore, that I must inform you that you do not fulfill our requirements. With very best wishes, Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore.’”

 

Fuming, Nearly Headless Nick stuffed the letter away.

Lily- Well, the Sir Patty guy’s got a point. It’s kind of hard to juggle your head when it’s still connected….

Sirius- Wish there was some spell to cut of Nick’s head. It would be really helpful.

Remus- Not happening, sorry.

"Half an inch of skin and sinew holding my neck on, Harry! Most people would think that's good and beheaded, but oh, no, it's not enough for Sir Properly Decapitated-Podmore."

All- …

Sirius- Well, at least they begin with the same letters.

Nearly Headless Nick took several deep breaths and then said, in a far calmer tone, "So—what's bothering you? Anything I can do?"

"No," said Harry. "Not unless you know where we can get seven free Nimbus Two Thousand and Ones for our match against Sly—"

Harry- Oh, damn.

The rest of Harry's sentence was drowned out by a high-pitched mewling from somewhere near his ankles.

          Sirius- Meoooow!

          Others- …

          Remus- I thought you hated cats, Sirius.

          Sirius- I do, but I couldn’t help it! I’m sorry! ::sniffs::

          Remus- ::rolls eyes and pats Sirius’ arm soothingly:: It’s all right, Siri, we understand.

          Others- …

          James- Moving swiftly on….

 He looked down and found himself gazing into a pair of lamp-like yellow eyes. It was Mrs. Norris, the skeletal gray cat who was used by the caretaker, Argus Filch, as a sort of deputy in his endless battle against students.

          Sirius- Yeah, students suck.

          James- Well, Slytherin ones, at least.

          Sirius- Exactly.

"You'd better get out of here, Harry," said Nick quickly. "Filch isn't in a good mood—he's got the flu and some third years accidentally plastered frog brains all over the ceiling in dungeon five. He's been cleaning all morning, and if he sees you dripping mud all over the place—"

Peter- You’re dead.

Harry- Sounds about right.

"Right," said Harry, backing away from the accusing stare of Mrs. Norris, but not quickly enough. Drawn to the spot by the mysterious power that seemed to connect him with his foul cat,

          Sirius- Hmm…. Another plot device….

          James- Uh… how?

          Sirius- We’ll find out eventually, I’m sure.

 Argus Filch burst suddenly through a tapestry to Harry's right, wheezing and looking wildly about for the rule-breaker. There was a thick tartan scarf bound around his head, and his nose was unusually purple.

          Peter- Ew.

"Filth!" he shouted, his jowls

          Peter- His whats aquiver?

          Remus- Just forget it Peter.

          Peter- …::shrugs:: All right.

 aquiver, his eyes popping alarmingly as he pointed at the muddy puddle that had dripped from Harry's Quidditch robes. "Mess and muck everywhere! I've had enough of it, I tell you! Follow me, Potter!"

          Sirius- Good-bye, Harry! Looks like you’re getting another detention, huh?

          Harry- Looks like it.

So Harry waved a gloomy good-bye to Nearly Headless Nick and followed Filch back downstairs, doubling the number of muddy footprints on the floor.

Harry had never been inside Filch's office before; it was a place most students avoided.

          Harry- Understandably.

 The room was dingy and windowless, lit by a single oil lamp dangling from the low ceiling. A faint smell of fried fish lingered about the place. Wooden filing cabinets stood around the walls; from their labels, Harry could see that they contained details of every pupil Filch had ever punished. Fred and George Weasley had an entire drawer to themselves.

          James- I bet we did too.

 A highly polished collection of chains and manacles hung on the wall behind Filch's desk. It was common knowledge that he was always begging Dumbledore to let him suspend students by their ankles from the ceiling.

          Peter- That would hurt.

          Lily- Gee, ya think?

Filch grabbed a quill from a pot on his desk and began shuffling around looking for parchment.

"Dung," he muttered furiously, "great sizzling dragon bogies…frog brains…rat intestines…I've had enough of it…make an example…where's the form…yes…"

Lily- ::frowns:: Can’t he make an example of someone else?

He retrieved a large roll of parchment from his desk drawer and stretched it out in front of him, dipping his long black quill into the ink pot.

"Name…Harry Potter. Crime…"

"It was only a bit of mud!" said Harry.

"It's only a bit of mud to you, boy, but to me it's an extra hour scrubbing!"

          Sirius- (in a sing-song voice) Magic…

shouted Filch, a drip shivering unpleasantly at the end of his bulbous nose. "Crime… befouling the castle…suggested sentence…"

          James- (as Filch) Hang by the ceiling for five days….

          Others- ::wince::

Dabbing at his streaming nose, Filch squinted unpleasantly at Harry who waited with bated breath for his sentence to fall.

(We now interrupt your scheduled program for a…um…interruption.)

Suddenly, there was a knocking at the door that made everyone jump in surprise. As said door slowly swung open, Harry was shoved forcefully under the bed.

“Hey, Mum, what’s up?” James asked of his mother, hand once again placed firmly over his best friend’s mouth.

“I’m not too sure,” James’ mother replied softly, confusion etched on her face. “Professor Dumbledore just came by and asked us to take care of this young man…. I haven’t got a name for him, but I thought I’d bring him up here so he could spend some time with you.”

“Oh,” James said, sounding extremely relieved. “For a second there, I thought we’d be in trouble for something.”

“Like what?”

“…I’m not sure. But usually when you bother us it’s either for food or to yell at us for doing something wrong,” James replied sheepishly. “Anyway, where’d this kid come from?”

“I don’t know. I just know that Dumbledore asked me to take care of him until such a time as he sees fit to return and take him back to wherever he’s supposed to be.”

A silence filled the room at those words, everyone wondering what could possibly be going on.

“Well, are you sending him in or not?” James finally asked, finally trying to look past his mother to see if he could see the young man. After all, it wasn’t every day you encountered a kid from God-Knows-Where. (Nice place, that.)

“Oh, of course!” James’ mother replied. “Here we are….”

A small, pale boy entered the room, looking just as confused as James’ mother. However, when he saw the assortment of people he would be forced to live with for a while, his face grew cold, and he glared angrily at the five Gryffindors. Sirius returned the glare just as fiercely, thoughts of the boy’s father entering his mind.

Then James’ mother left the six people to deal with each other as they saw fit.

When she’d left, James pushed the small boy out of his way so he could look at the door. As soon as he was sure his mother wouldn’t be coming back, he pulled his head back in and shut the door, turning to glare at his…well, charge for lack of a better word, before he turned his attention to the bed.

“Come on out, Harry. My mum’s gone,” he said.

Harry crawled stiffly out from under the bed and stood up, dusting himself off. Then he froze, staring at the boy in disbelief.

“Malfoy?” Harry asked.

“Potter?” the boy returned

The two glared at each other furiously until Sirius loudly cleared his throat.

“Um, hello? People? Can we kill him?” Sirius asked.

“No, you idiot,” Remus replied with a roll of his eyes. “Dumbledore would get mad if we did that.”

“What for?” Sirius asked blankly. Remus rolled his eyes again.

“So, I assume you’re Draco Malfoy, huh?” Remus asked of the pale boy, glaring at him in distaste.

“Yes,” Draco drawled, returning the glare.

“This is great,” Harry growled out sarcastically, glaring at Malfoy as well. “Just what I bloody needed. What the hell are you doing here, Malfoy?”

“I could ask you the same thing, Potter.”

“Answer me first.”

Draco rolled his eyes in frustration. “I don’t know, Potter. I just suddenly appeared in the Great Hall of Hogwarts and Dumbledore decided to send me here. Though I’ve no idea why he would do something so stupid, other than because he’s a bloody Gryffindor.”

“Well, he can’t exactly know who you are, seeing as you’ve just traveled about a couple decades into the past,” Harry replied.

“Then how’d you get here?”

“That’s for me to know and you not to, Malfoy.”

Once again, Sirius cleared his throat. All attention turned to him.

“Uh… not that this isn’t amusing or anything, but I’d personally like to return to that book we’ve got. You know, that thing we were reading a few minutes ago, before you showed up?” Sirius said, glaring furiously at Draco.

“Really,” Potter added. “I want to see what Harry gets for detention.”

“What?” Draco asked, staring around at everyone in bewilderment.

“Just sit down and listen to us, Malfoy,” Harry replied, nodding toward the seat by James’ window. “But don’t say a word.”

“Like I would want to talk to a bunch of Gryffindors anyway,” Draco sneered, and sat on the seat, looking outside uninterestedly.

“I suppose that’s a bit better,” Sirius grumbled, glaring once again at Draco.

“What is it with you and the Malfoys, anyway, Sirius?” Harry asked curiously.

“Nothing, nothing, don’t worry about it. Now, let’s get back to that book. James, if you would kindly do the honors?” Sirius replied casually, and threw the book over to James, who immediately opened to his page.

“I would be delighted,” James replied, plopping unceremoniously onto the bed. Everyone soon followed suit, and he began to read….

(We now return to your scheduled program. Thank you for reading the interruption.)

But as Filch lowered his quill, there was a great BANG! on the ceiling of the office, which made the oil lamp rattle.

"PEEVES!" Filch roared, flinging down his quill in a transport of rage. "I'll have you this time, I'll have you!"

Sirius- Um, ew.

Lily- Sirius!

Sirius- What? I didn’t mean anything by it! Honest!

Lily- Sirius. Don’t. I do not need that image in my head.

Draco- ::snorts::

Sirius- ::turns sharply to Draco:: Got a problem, Malfoy?

Draco- ::sneers at Sirius and turns back to look out the window::

Sirius- ::looks satisfied::

And without a backward glance at Harry, Filch ran flat-footed from the office, Mrs. Norris

          Sirius- Meow.

 streaking alongside him.

Peeves was the school poltergeist, a grinning, airborne menace who lived to cause havoc and distress.

          Sirius- That seems to be our goal in life too.

          Remus/James/Peter- ::nod agreement::

          Lily/Harry- …

          Draco- ::rolls his eyes::

 Harry didn't much like Peeves, but couldn't help feeling grateful for his timing. Hopefully, whatever Peeves had done (and it sounded as though he'd wrecked something very big this time) would distract Filch from Harry.

Thinking that he should probably wait for Filch to come back,

          Draco- ::snorts and looks as if he’s attempting to keep himself from cracking up::

          Everyone but Harry- ::stare at Harry like he’s insane::

          Harry- What? ::glares at everyone::

          Sirius- Are you insane, Harry? Do you want a detention from Filch? You could’ve just gotten out of there with no worries about a detention!

          Harry- …But I would still have to worry about a detention. Filch would probably go find me and drag me back, and then give me a detention. And it would be even worse than it would’ve been before.

          Others- …

          Sirius- Heh. Right.

          Draco- ::is looking incredibly surprised at Harry’s sudden intelligence::

 Harry sank into a moth-eaten chair next to the desk. There was only one thing on it apart from his half-completed form: a large, glossy, purple envelope with silver lettering on the front. With a quick glance at the door to check that Filch wasn't on his way back, Harry picked up the envelope and read:

 

Kwikspell

A Correspondence Course in Beginners' Magic.

Sirius- What the…?

James- ::snickers:: Whoo, boy. Filch is a Squib. That certainly explains a lot.

Lily- Oh dear. Poor Filch. That must really really suck for him.

Sirius- ::is laughing::

Remus/Lily/Harry/Draco- ::rolls their eyes::

 

Intrigued, Harry flicked the envelope open and pulled out the sheaf of parchment inside. More curly silver writing on the front page said:

 

Feel out of step in the world of modern magic? Find yourself making excuses not to perform simple spells? Ever been taunted for your woeful wandwork?

   There is an answer!

 

 Kwikspell is an all-new, fail-safe, quick-result, easy-learn course. Hundreds of witches and wizards have benefited from the Kwikspell method!

 

 Madam Z. Nettles of Topsham writes:

 "I had no memory for incantations and my potions were a family joke! Now, after a Kwikspell course, I am the center of attention at parties and friends beg for the recipe of my Scintillation Solution!"

 Warlock D. J. Prod of Didsbury says:

 "My wife used to sneer at my feeble charms, but one month into your fabulous Kwikspell course and I succeeded in turning her into a yak!

   Thank you, Kwikspell!"

 

Fascinated, Harry thumbed through the rest of the envelope's contents. Why on earth did Filch want a Kwikspell course? Did this mean he wasn't a proper wizard? Harry was just reading "Lesson One: Holding Your Wand (Some Useful Tips)"

          Sirius/James- ::snicker::

 when shuffling footsteps outside told him Filch was coming back. Stuffing the parchment back into the envelope, Harry threw it back onto the desk just as the door opened.

Filch was looking triumphant.

"That vanishing cabinet was extremely valuable!" he was saying gleefully to Mrs. Norris. "We'll have Peeves out this time, my sweet—"

Sirius- Aw….I like Peeves.

Harry- You would.

Sirius- He helps me with my pranks sometimes.

Harry- …

His eyes fell on Harry and then darted to the Kwikspell envelope, which, Harry realized too late, was lying two feet away from where it had started.

James- (as Filch) Detention, Potter! For the rest of your life!

Harry- …Yeah. Right.

Filch's pasty face went brick red. Harry braced himself for a tidal wave of fury. Filch hobbled across to his desk, snatched up the envelope, and threw it into a drawer.

"Have you—did you read—?" he sputtered.

"No," Harry lied quickly.

Filch's knobbly hands were twisting together.

"If I thought you'd read my private—not that it's mine—for a friend—be that as it may—however—"

Harry was staring at him, alarmed; Filch had never looked madder. His eyes were popping, a tic was going in one of his pouchy cheeks, and the tartan scarf didn't help.

"Very well—go—and don't breathe a word—not that—however, if you didn't read—go now, I have to write up Peeves' report—go—"

All but Harry- ::look shocked::

Sirius- He’s letting you off? He’s just going to let you go!?

Harry- Apparently.

Sirius- Woah. Awesome.

Harry- You’re telling me.

Amazed at his luck, Harry sped out of the office, up the corridor, and back upstairs. To escape from Filch's office without punishment was probably some kind of school record.

James- Most definitely.

"Harry! Harry! Did it work?"

Nearly Headless Nick came gliding out of a classroom. Behind him, Harry could see the wreckage of a large black-and-gold cabinet that appeared to have been dropped from a great height.

"I persuaded Peeves to crash it right over Filch's office," said Nick eagerly. "Thought it might distract him—"

"Was that you?" said Harry gratefully. "Yeah, it worked, I didn't even get detention. Thanks, Nick!"

They set off up the corridor together. Nearly Headless Nick, Harry noticed, was still holding Sir Patrick's rejection letter.

"I wish there was something I could do for you about the Headless Hunt," Harry said.

Nearly Headless Nick stopped in his tracks and Harry walked right through him. He wished he hadn't; it was like stepping through an icy shower.

"But there is something you could do for me," said Nick excitedly. "Harry—would I be asking too much—but no, you wouldn't want—”

Sirius- You’re going to do something stupid again, aren’t you, Harry?

Remus- Well, duh.

Sirius- Would you stop saying that already?

Remus- …No.

Sirius- …Oh. Okay.

Others- … o.O

"What is it?" said Harry.

"Well, this Halloween will be my five hundredth deathday,"

          Lily- I think it’s our eleventh.

          James- Yeah. Don’t remind me, Lils.

          Lily- Sorry.

 said Nearly Headless Nick, drawing himself up and looking dignified.

          Peter- And this is great, why?

"Oh," said Harry, not sure whether he should look sorry or happy about this. "Right."

"I'm holding a party down in one of the roomier dungeons. Friends will be coming from all over the country. It would be such an honor if you would attend. Mr. Weasley and Miss Granger would be most welcome, too, of course—but I daresay you'd rather go to the school feast?"

          Harry- Yes, actually, I would, but….

          Sirius- Oi.

          Remus- I was hoping we’d seen the last of the Potter Stupidity Gene.

          Sirius- Apparently not.

          James- ::smacks Remus and Sirius::

          Remus/Sirius- Ow! ::glare at James::

 He watched Harry on tenterhooks.

          Peter- On what?

          Remus- Tenterhooks.

          Peter- What the heck are they?

          Remus- How am I supposed to know?

          Sirius- Well, you were a dictionary in a past life, weren’t you?

          Draco- ::snorts and rolls his eyes, but is ignored by everyone else::

          Remus- Well, the dictionary I was didn’t have that word in it, all right?

          Sirius- ::shrugs:: Sure, good enough.

          Remus- Good.

"No," said Harry quickly, "I'll come—"

Remus- Idiot.

Harry- Thanks, I try.

"My dear boy! Harry Potter, at my deathday party! And"—he hesitated, looking excited—"do you think you could possibly mention to Sir Patrick how very frightening and impressive you find me?"

Sirius- Oh, yes. So very frightening, Nick. I’ll be sure to tell him that.

"Of—of course," said Harry.

Nearly Headless Nick beamed at him.

Sirius- I wonder if ghosts light up when they’re happy?

Remus- What?

Sirius- Well, if Nick beamed—

Remus- Sirius.

Sirius- What?

Remus- Shut up

Sirius- What?

Remus- Just shut up. Before you affect the lot of us with your stupidity.

Sirius- But I don’t have the Potter Stupidity Genes.

Remus- No, but you do have the Black Stupidity Genes. That’s about a hundred times worse than the Potter ones.

Sirius- ::pouts:: You’re so mean, Remy.

Remus- If I wasn’t, you’d never shut up.

Sirius- …Point being?

Remus- Shut up. Now. ::gives Sirius a Look::

Sirius- …Okay. Okay, sure thing. I’ll shut up now. Just stop looking at me like that.

Others- ::snicker::

 

"A deathday party?" said Hermione keenly when Harry had changed at last and joined her and Ron in the common room. "I bet there aren't many living people who can say they've been to one of those

          James- Or even wanted to be to one of those.

—it'll be fascinating!"

"Why would anyone want to celebrate the day they died?" said Ron, who was halfway through his Potions homework and grumpy.

          Remus- Anyone doing Potions homework would be grumpy.

          Harry- Especially now with Snape teaching.

          Draco- ::mutters:: I’m never grumpy doing Potions.

          Sirius- Yeah, well, nobody asked you, Malfoy, so keep your mouth shut.

          Draco- …

"Sounds dead depressing to me…."

          Lily- Sounds like a bad joke to me.

          Sirius- I like bad jokes.

          Lily- Sirius, you are a bad joke.

          Others- ::snicker::

          Sirius- ::pouts:: You’re so mean, Lils.

Rain was still lashing the windows, which were now inky black, but inside all looked bright and cheerful. The firelight glowed over the countless squashy armchairs where people sat reading, talking, doing homework or, in the case of Fred and George Weasley, trying to find out what would happen if you fed a Filibuster firework to a salamander.

          Draco- ::rolls his eyes and mutters:: The things that happen in the Gryffindor Common Room.

 Fred had "rescued" the brilliant orange, fire-dwelling lizard from a Care of Magical Creatures class and it was now smouldering gently on a table surrounded by a knot of curious people.

Harry was at the point of telling Ron and Hermione about Filch and the Kwikspell course when the salamander suddenly whizzed into the air, emitting loud sparks and bangs as it whirled wildly round the room.

          All- ::wince:: Ow…

          Lily- Poor salamander.

 The sight of Percy bellowing himself hoarse at Fred and George, the spectacular display of tangerine stars showering from the salamander's mouth, and its escape into the fire, with accompanying explosions, drove both Filch and the Kwikspell envelope from Harry's mind.

          Sirius- (sarcastically) Gee, I wonder why.

          James- (just as sarcastic) I don’t know. That’s a hard one.

          Sirius- I know.

          Others- …

 

By the time Halloween arrived, Harry was regretting his rash promise to go to the deathday party.

          Sirius- Me too. I wanna see those pumpkins.

          Others- ::roll their eyes::

 The rest of the school was happily anticipating their Halloween feast; the Great Hall had been decorated with the usual live bats, Hagrid's vast pumpkins had been carved into lanterns large enough for three men to sit in, and there were rumors that Dumbledore had booked a troupe of dancing skeletons for the entertainment.

"A promise is a promise,"

          James- And promises are made to be broken.

          Harry- That’s what I said. But would Hermione listen?

 Hermione reminded Harry bossily. "You said you'd go to the deathday party."

So at seven o'clock, Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked straight past the doorway to the packed Great Hall, which was glittering invitingly with gold plates and candles, and directed their steps instead toward the dungeons.

The passageway leading to Nearly Headless Nick's party had been lined with candles, too, though the effect was far from cheerful: These were long, thin, jet-black tapers, all burning bright blue,

          Sirius- Why don’t they burn black?

          Remus- Is it even possible to?

          Sirius- Probably not. But that would be really cool. The hall could glow black.

          James- Sirius, black doesn’t glow.

          Sirius- It should. It’d be really cool.

          James- …Does anyone have a gag?

          Peter- What would we need one for, when we have Remus here?

          James- So they don’t mess up my sheets. And I can concentrate on the bloody book, instead of trying to get them to stop.

          Peter- Eh, good point.

Sirius- Oh, bugger. I was hoping for a good snog.

          James/Peter- …

          Remus- Maybe later, Sirius. We don’t want to piss poor Jamsie off. After all, he lives here. He can kick us out, you know.

          Sirius- Good point. Tonight then.

          Harry- But I’m in the room with Remus.

          Sirius- Well, we’ll hafta change the sleeping arrangements. Later. When your mum tells us to go to bed. Now, shall we get back to the book?

          James- Just promise not to get anything on the sheets, all right?

          Lily- Ew…

          Remus- We can make no promises, James. But we’ll try.

          Sirius- ::nods::

          James- Fine…. I’ll just get back to reading.

          Draco- ::was staring at them all in horror for the entire conversation, and now looks like he’s about to faint…of course, no one notices::

 casting a dim, ghostly light even over their own living faces. The temperature dropped with every step they took. As Harry shivered and drew his robes tightly around him, he heard what sounded like a thousand fingernails scraping an enormous blackboard.

"Is that supposed to be music?" Ron whispered. They turned a corner and saw Nearly Headless Nick standing at a doorway hung with black velvet drapes.

"My dear friends," he said mournfully. "Welcome, welcome . . . so pleased you could come. . . ."

He swept off his plumed hat and bowed them inside.

It was an incredible sight. The dungeon was full of hundreds of pearly-white, translucent people, mostly drifting around a crowded dance floor, waltzing to the dreadful, quavering sound of thirty musical saws, played by an orchestra on a raised, black-draped platform. A chandelier overhead blazed midnight-blue with a thousand more black candles. Their breath rose in a mist before them; it was like stepping into a freezer.

Sirius- Oi. That must really suck.

Harry- Hey, at least you weren’t there.

"Shall we have a look around?" Harry suggested, wanting to warm up his feet.

"Careful not to walk through anyone,"

          James- Why not? The ice cube look is in.

 said Ron nervously, and they set off around the edge of the dance floor. They passed a group of gloomy nuns, a ragged man wearing chains, and the Fat Friar, a cheerful Hufflepuff ghost, who was talking to a knight with an arrow sticking out of his forehead.

          Lily- Ow.

 Harry wasn't surprised to see that the Bloody Baron, a gaunt, staring Slytherin ghost covered in silver bloodstains, was being given a wide berth by the other ghosts.

          Sirius- And, of course, the three living people there, right?

          Harry- Right.

"Oh, no," said Hermione, stopping abruptly. "Turn back, turn back, I don't want to talk to Moaning Myrtle—"

"Who?" said Harry as they backtracked quickly.

"She haunts one of the toilets in the girls' bathroom on the first floor,"

          Remus- She haunts a toilet?

          Lily- ::shudders:: Yes, a toilet.

          Remus- You know her?

          Lily- Don’t remind me.

 said Hermione.

"She haunts a toilet?"

Lily- Gees, Harry, is there anyone you don’t think like?

Harry- Yeah. You.

Lily- Boys.

"Yes. It's been out-of-order all year because she keeps having tantrums and flooding the place. I never went in there anyway if I could avoid it; it's awful trying to have a pee with her wailing at you—"

Lily- You boys have no idea.

Others but Draco- And we don’t particularly want to, either.

"Look, food!" said Ron.

On the other side of the dungeon was a long table, also covered in black velvet. They approached it eagerly but next moment had stopped in their tracks, horrified. The smell was quite disgusting. Large, rotten fish were laid on handsome silver platters; cakes, burned charcoal-black, were heaped on salvers; there was a great maggoty haggis, a slab of cheese covered in furry green mold and, in pride of place, an enormous gray cake in the shape of a tombstone, with tar-like icing forming the words,

 

Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington

died 31st October, 1492

 

Harry watched, amazed, as a portly ghost approached the table, crouched low, and walked through it, his mouth held wide so that it passed through one of the stinking salmon.

"Can you taste it if you walk though it?" Harry asked him.

"Almost," said the ghost sadly, and he drifted away.

"I expect they've let it rot to give it a stronger flavor," said Hermione knowledgeably, pinching her nose and leaning closer to look at the putrid haggis.

Lily- Always the scientist.

"Can we move? I feel sick," said Ron.

They had barely turned around, however, when a little man swooped suddenly from under the table and came to a halt in midair before them.

"Hello, Peeves," said Harry cautiously.

Unlike the ghosts around them, Peeves the Poltergeist was the very reverse of pale and transparent. He was wearing a bright orange party hat, a revolving bow tie, and a broad grin on his wide, wicked face.

"Nibbles?" he said sweetly, offering them a bowl of peanuts covered in fungus.

"No thanks," said Hermione.

"Heard you talking about poor Myrtle," said Peeves, his eyes dancing. "Rude you was about poor Myrtle." He took a deep breath and bellowed, "OY! MYRTLE!"

"Oh, no, Peeves, don't tell her what I said, she'll be really upset," Hermione whispered frantically. "I didn't mean it, I don't mind her—er, hello, Myrtle."

The squat ghost of a girl had glided over. She had the glummest face Harry had ever seen, half-hidden behind lank hair and thick, pearly spectacles.

James- Oi, and I thought my glasses were bad. At least mine aren’t pearly.

Harry- Exactly.

"What?" she said sulkily.

"How are you, Myrtle?" said Hermione in a falsely bright voice. "It's nice to see you out of the toilet."

Sirius- ::snickers:: That sounded really funny.

Others- ::look at serious like he’s nuts::

Remus- You get stranger by the minute, you know that, Siri?

Sirius- Do I? I never noticed.

Others- …

Myrtle sniffed.

"Miss Granger was just talking about you—" said Peeves slyly in Myrtle's ear.

"Just saying—saying—how nice you look tonight," said Hermione, glaring at Peeves.

Myrtle eyed Hermione suspiciously.

"You're making fun of me," she said, silver tears welling rapidly in her small, see-through eyes.

"No—honestly—didn't I just say how nice Myrtle's looking?" said Hermione, nudging Harry and Ron painfully in the ribs.

"Oh, yeah—"

"She did—"

"Don't lie to me," Myrtle gasped, tears now flooding down her face, while Peeves chuckled happily over her shoulder. "D'you think I don't know what people call me behind my back? Fat Myrtle! Ugly Myrtle! Miserable, moaning, moping Myrtle!"

"You've forgotten pimply," Peeves hissed in her ear.

Moaning Myrtle burst into anguished sobs and fled from the dungeon.

Peeves shot after her, pelting her with moldy peanuts, yelling, "Pimply! Pimply!"

"Oh, dear," said Hermione sadly.

          Sirius- And the award for the understatement of the second book goes to…

          James- Hermione Granger! Congratulations, Hermione!

          Others- …

          Sirius/James- What?

          Others- …

          Remus- Forget it. Just forget it.

          Sirius/James- ::shrug::

Nearly Headless Nick now drifted toward them through the crowd.

"Enjoying yourselves?"

"Oh, yes," they lied.

"Not a bad turnout," said Nearly Headless Nick proudly. "The Wailing Widow came all the way up from Kent…. It's nearly time for my speech, I'd better go and warn the orchestra…."

The orchestra, however, stopped playing at that very moment. They, and everyone else in the dungeon, fell silent, looking around in excitement, as a hunting horn sounded.

"Oh, here we go," said Nearly Headless Nick bitterly.

Through the dungeon wall burst a dozen ghost horses, each ridden by a headless horseman. The assembly clapped wildly; Harry started to clap, too, but stopped quickly at the sight of Nick's face.

The horses galloped into the middle of the dance floor and halted, rearing and plunging. At the front of the pack was a large ghost who held his bearded head under his arm, from which position he was blowing the horn.

The ghost leapt down, lifted his head high in the air so he could see over the crowd (everyone laughed), and strode over to Nearly Headless Nick, squashing his head back onto his neck.

"Nick!" he roared. "How are you? Head still hanging in there?"

He gave a hearty guffaw and clapped Nearly Headless Nick on the shoulder.

"Welcome, Patrick," said Nick stiffly.

"Live 'uns!" said Sir Patrick, spotting Harry, Ron, and Hermione and giving a huge, fake jump of astonishment, so that his head fell off again (the crowd howled with laughter).

Sirius- It isn’t that funny….

Remus- No, it isn’t.

"Very amusing," said Nearly Headless Nick darkly.

"Don't mind Nick!" shouted Sir Patrick's head from the floor. "Still upset we won't let him join the Hunt! But I mean to say—look at the fellow—"

"I think," said Harry hurriedly, at a meaningful look from Nick, "Nick's very—frightening and—er—"

"Ha!" yelled Sir Patrick's head. "Bet he asked you to say that!"

"If I could have everyone's attention, it's time for my speech!" said Nearly Headless Nick loudly, striding toward the podium and climbing into an icy blue spotlight.

"My late lamented lords, ladies, and gentlemen, it is my great sorrow…"

But nobody heard much more. Sir Patrick and the rest of the Headless Hunt had just started a game of Head Hockey and the crowd were turning to watch. Nearly Headless Nick tried vainly to recapture his audience, but gave up as Sir Patrick's head went sailing past him to loud cheers.

Lily- Ooh, I don’t think I like that Patrick guy.

Harry- Me neither.

Harry was very cold by now, not to mention hungry.

Harry- And bored. Did I mention bored?

Sirius- Yes, you did.

"I can't stand much more of this," Ron muttered, his teeth chattering, as the orchestra ground back into action and the ghosts swept back onto the dance floor.

"Let's go," Harry agreed.

They backed toward the door, nodding and beaming

          Sirius- Black. They were beaming black. Right, Rem?

          Remus- Whatever you say, Siri.

 at anyone who looked at them, and a minute later were hurrying back up the passageway full of black candles.

"Pudding might not be finished yet," said Ron hopefully, leading the way toward the steps to the entrance hall.

And then Harry heard it.

Sirius- Oh, yay.

"…rip…tear…kill…"

It was the same voice, the same cold, murderous voice he had heard in Lockhart's office.

He stumbled to a halt, clutching at the stone wall, listening with all his might, looking around, squinting up and down the dimly lit passageway.

Harry- Not that I can see the damn thing or anything.

Sirius- Exactly.

"Harry, what're you—?"

"It's that voice again—shut up a minute—"

"…soo hungry…for so long…"

"Listen!" said Harry urgently, and Ron and Hermione froze, watching him.

"…kill…time to kill…"

The voice was growing fainter. Harry was sure it was moving away—moving upward. A mixture of fear and excitement gripped him as he stared at the dark ceiling; how could it be moving upward?

          Sirius- ::blinks:: It can fly?

          Remus- Apparently.

 Was it a phantom, to whom stone ceilings didn't matter?

"This way," he shouted,

          Lily- You shout a lot, don’t you?

          Harry- Apparently. Though I don’t really remember shouting at that particular time.

 and he began to run, up the stairs, into the entrance hall. It was no good hoping to hear anything here, the babble of talk from the Halloween feast was echoing out of the Great Hall. Harry sprinted up the marble staircase to the first floor, Ron and Hermione clattering behind him.

"Harry, what're we—"

"SHH!"

Harry strained his ears. Distantly, from the floor above, and growing fainter still, he heard the voice: "…I smell blood…. I SMELL BLOOD!"

His stomach lurched—

"It's going to kill someone!" he shouted,

          Harry- That, I did shout.

 and ignoring Ron's and Hermione's bewildered faces, he ran up the next flight of steps three at a time, trying to listen over his own pounding footsteps—

Harry hurtled around the whole of the second floor, Ron and Hermione panting behind him, not stopping until they turned a corner into the last, deserted passage.

Sirius- It’s not exactly deserted any more, is it?

Remus- What?

Sirius- I’m just saying, since Harry, Ron, and Hermione are in the passage, and so is whatever they’re chasing we assume, it’s no longer deserted. How could it be, when there’s at least three people there?

Others- …

Remus- Sirius, you make absolutely no sense.

Sirius- That made perfect sense.

Remus- Exactly. Therefore, there must be something wrong with that perfect sense, because you don’t make sense.

Sirius- …Huh? Rem, you’re not making any sense.

Remus- Exactly.

All but Remus- … o.O

"Harry, what was that all about?" said Ron, wiping sweat off his face. "I couldn't hear anything…."

But Hermione gave a sudden gasp, pointing down the corridor.

James- (as Hermione) Look! It’s…Malfoy! He’s drinking someone’s blood! ::screams:: I knew it, I knew it, he’s a vampire!

All but James/Draco- ::laugh hysterically::

Draco- Hey! For the love of… I’m not a bloody vampire!

James- Prove it.

Draco- If I was a vampire, I’d be drinking the blood from all your bodies.

Harry- ::frowns:: …I hate to say it, but he’s got a point.

Remus- Ah, but everyone would know it was him. So if he drank the blood out of all of us, they’d send someone out to kill him.

Draco- I could make it look like a different vampire did it. And I went away with the vampire—after nobly trying to save your lives, of course.

Sirius- …I hate Slytherins.

Remus- Quiet, Sirius.

Sirius- Yup.

Lily- Um…hey, you guys?

Sirius/Remus/James/Draco- Yes?

Lily- Do you think maybe you could stop talking about the whole drinking someone’s blood thing? I, for one, am feeling a bit nauseous.

James- Sure thing, Lils. I just go back to reading.

Draco- ::snorts::

James- Something to say, Malfoy?

Draco- ::smirks:: No, of course not. ::turns back to look out the window::

James- ::mutters something under his breath as he looks for his place::

"Look!"

Something was shining on the wall ahead.

          Peter- It’s not unicorn blood again, is it?

          Harry- No.

 They approached slowly, squinting through the darkness. Foot-high words had been daubed on the wall between two windows, shimmering in the light cast by the flaming torches.

          James- Hahaha, I’m a vampire and nobody knew it!

          Draco- ::growls as he stares out the window, but doesn’t say anything::

 

the chamber of secrets has been

opened. enemies of the heir, beware.

Sirius- Enemies of the heir? The heir of what?

Lily- Slytherin.

Sirius- ::blinks:: Slytherin had kids?

Lily- ::rolls eyes:: Yes, apparently, he did. No shut up, so James can get back to reading.

Sirius- ::pouts:: Nobody ever explains anything to me.

All but Sirius- ::roll their eyes::

 

"What's that thing—hanging underneath?"

          James- The corpse, duh.

          Draco- ::growls again::

 said Ron, a slight quiver in his voice.

As they edged nearer, Harry almost slipped—there was a large puddle of water on the floor;

          James- Why not blood? I hear vampires are messy eaters.

          Draco- ::growls and bangs his head against the window::

          All but Draco- ::snicker::

 Ron and Hermione grabbed him, and they inched toward the message, eyes fixed on a dark shadow beneath it. All three of them realized what it was at once, and leapt backward with a splash. Mrs. Norris, the caretaker's cat, was hanging by her tail from the torch bracket.

          Sirius- Sounds painful.

          James- She’s probably dead, though.

          Sirius- Eh, good point.

 She was stiff as a board, her eyes wide and staring.

For a few seconds, they didn't move. Then Ron said, "Let's get out of here."

"Shouldn't we try and help—"

          Sirius- Harry, you are such a noble idiot.

          Draco- ::snorts::

          Harry- How’d you know I said that?

          Sirius- Because you’re just like James. You’d be the only one to say that.

          Harry/James- … ::smack Sirius::

          Sirius- Ow! ::rubs his head and sticks his tongue out:: Meanies.

          Draco- ::rolls his eyes::

 Harry began awkwardly.

"Trust me," said Ron. "We don't want to be found here."

But it was too late. A rumble, as though of distant thunder, told them that

          Sirius- The wall was falling.

          All- …

          Remus- Sirius, just, shut up, would you?

          Sirius- …I hate you.

          Remus- Love you too, Sweetheart.

          Sirius- ::frowns::

 the feast had just ended. From either end of the corridor where they stood came the sound of hundreds of feet climbing the stairs, and the loud, happy talk of well-fed people;

          James- Unlike the three Gryffindors who went to the deathday party….

          Harry- Oh, shut up.

 next moment, students were crashing into the passage from both ends.

The chatter, the bustle, the noise died suddenly as the people in front spotted the hanging cat. Harry, Ron, and Hermione stood alone, in the middle of the corridor, as silence fell among the mass of students pressing forward to see the grisly sight.

Then someone shouted through the quiet.

"Enemies of the Heir, beware! You'll be next, Mudbloods!"

Draco- ::smirks::

It was Draco Malfoy.

          Remus- ::grumbles:: So, what else is new?

          Sirius- That it wasn’t Harry.

          Remus- Didn’t I tell you to shut up?

          Sirius- ::pouts::

 He had pushed to the front of the crowd, his cold eyes alive, his usually bloodless

          James- See? Bloodless. Only vampires don’t have blood like that.

          Harry- …His face was kinda red, actually.

          Draco- My face was not red.

          Harry- Yes it was. Shut up, Malfoy.

          Draco- It wasn’t red. Pink, maybe, but not red.

          Harry- Pink, Malfoy? Is there a hidden message there?

          Draco- ::growls:: Quiet, Potter. There’s no hidden message. And I don’t see how there would be, either.

          Harry- ::smirks:: (sarcastically) Nice comeback, Malfoy. Care to keep reading?

          James- Sure thing.

          Draco- ::growls again::

 face flushed, as he grinned at the sight of the hanging, immobile cat.

          James- Well, nobody did like Mrs. Norris, right?

          Harry- Exactly. But the whole Chamber of Secrets thing kinda freaked them out. And, of course, they assumed we did it….

          James- Well, you were at the wrong place at the wrong time, so….

          Harry- Yeah, yeah.

          James- Well…that was the end of the chapter….

          Sirius- So keep reading.

          James- Ah…yeah. Say, there’s eighteen chapters in this book…. If I read one more chapter, does anyone mind if I give it to someone else?

          Harry- Can I read next? Since I’ll probably be gone soon?

          Lily- Aw, I wanted to read. I’ll read the beginning of the next book when it comes, though, shall I?

          Harry- I hope it comes. It could, like, change the future or something….

          Sirius- What? How?

          Harry- Uh… You’ll find out when you read.

          Sirius- ::whines:: But I wanna know now!

          Remus- Sirius, stop whining.

          Sirius- ::pouts:: Get to the next chapter, Jamsie.

          James- ::rolls eyes:: I was waiting for you to shut up. Next chapter is…

 

Okay, just a little note here…. I extend my apologies to everyone that really wanted Severus in my MSTs, most particularly to Spunkz and Sera Kali. I was originally going to put our dear Sevvie-chan in, but I decided to put Draco in instead, to go along with my AU fic. This may become clear when I start the AU fic, which will begin sometime after I finish with the third book (though I am doing all seven books…assuming, of course, the rest actually come out sometime while we’re all still alive). So, yes, I’m sorry, and I will try to put a bit more in of Severus eventually. I’m pretty sure he’ll at least have plenty of screen time in the AU…. So…I’m sorry (why do I insist on saying that?), and I’ll just go…do something else now, if you don’t mind. ^^

Chapter Nine