HERE'S SOME JOKES !
Why is milk the fastest thing in the world?

Because it's pasteurized before you see it!
A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to
her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her
Manager.

Without identifying the guy, she tells her boss what the co-worker does,
and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The manager is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "It's Kevin, the midget."
Why are sausages so bad mannered?

Because they spit in the frying pan..
What's black and white and eats like a horse?

A Zebra
Waiter, how long will my sausage be?

Bout 7 inches!
Why do elephants live in the jungle?

Because they cant fit inside houses
How many apples can you put in an empty box?

One, after that the box is not empty
10 cats were on a boat, one jumped off, how many were left?

None they were all copycats..
The plane crash

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

NO arms NO legs

A women without arms or legs is sitting on a beach weeping. A guy walks by and asks her what's wrong. She says, "I've never been kissed before." The man feels sorry for her and gives her a long passionate kiss and starts to walk away. As he's walking he hears her start crying again so he goes back and asks her what's wrong now. She says, "I've never had sex before."

The man sweeps her up in his arms, looks into her eyes, and tosses her into the water yelling, "You're screwed now!!"

The Daughters
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."

The Old Man
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch....I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"....."I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also do a gram of Charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, and never exercise, and do pills on the weekend."....."That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"........................"Twenty-six."
What do you get when you cross a mountain lion with a parrot?

I don't know but you better give it a cracker when is asks for one
What is the difference between pea soup and roast chicken?

Anyone can Roast Chicken
Why do zebras have stripes?

Because they are Zebras!
Why did they call the Cyclops a playboy?

Because he had an eye for the ladies!
Why did the golfer wear two sets of Pants?

In Case he got a hole in one..!!
When is it bad luck to see a black cat?

When your a mouse..!!
What did one Snowman say to the other?

Do you smell carrots??
Why is tennis such a noisy game?

Because everyone raises a racket!
What do you call an elephant in a telephone box?

Stuck..
What do you get when you cross a footballer with a gorilla?

I don't know but no-one tries to stop it from scoring..
What happened to the dog that had sex with the clock?

He Got Ticks..!!
What do you call a mad flea?

A Looney Tic

What do you call a redneck in a fancy suit?

''Mr. President.''

Do zombies have trouble getting dates?

No, they can usually dig someone up!

Johnny, I think your dog likes me. He's been looking at me all night.

Man Replies "Well that's because your eating out of his bowl"

What happened to the Green Rock when it was thrown into the Red Sea...

It got wet.

What happened to the chicken when it crossed the road

Um, cant remember the punch-line But your mums a whore !

Q. Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?

A. She threw away all the "W&W's"

Job searching Blonde

A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.

''Yes.''

The Sons

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."
Why does a man's penis have a hole in it?

So he can get oxygen to his brain.

Why did the boy break his arm raking leaves?

He Fell out of the tree

Why do birds fly south?

It's too far to walk..

What does a boy monster do when a girl monster rolls her eyes at him?

He simply rolls them back

What's Big, Red and eats rocks?

A big red rock eater!, silly

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where's my Tractor?
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he hits a car windshield?

His Ass
What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?.........They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?...........................Lost
What did the dog say when he was attacked by a tiger?.........................Nothing, Dogs cant talk..!!
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?............Through his chest
'BITTER SWEET' REVENGE

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

''I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!''................''Great trade !"
What do you call a scouser in a white shell suit.........The bride
What do you call a scouser in a suit.........The Accused
How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman walk out of a bar, the English man and the Scotsman both have umbrellas. WHICH ONE GETS WET??..............None of them, it's not raining!
What did one undertaker say to the other?...........................................Pass me another cold one!
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?

A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep!
Two Buckets of vomit are walking down the street and one says to the other, "This is were I was brought up".