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| If girls are made from sugar and spice why do they taste like Tuna |
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-----WARNING----- I have always used your product ever since my college days, because mom says it was the best. One weekend about a month ago, I was at my girlfriend's place, wearing my new white shirt. Much to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine on my white shirt. She made a comment about my drinking problem, one thing lead to another, and soon I had her blood all over my not-so-nice white shirt. I tried washing it with her detergent, and it just didn't do the trick. So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and picked up a box of new Ultra Tide. It washed the stain so well that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive! I can't praise your product enough. Thank you for saving my life! I must go now. I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage bags... Thanks again! John Smith |
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| How
do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from. |
| If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister? |
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| Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle the other day? |
| A Vet walked into
a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out
of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen." |
| A woman went to
her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had
developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good
idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?" |
| A man is having
problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis." The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that! We should make a list!" He replies, "I already made a list on the way home, and I'm afraid you're name isn't on it." |
| Three weeks after
her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she
wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?" |
| A middle aged
man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the
pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?" The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do." The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?" The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might." |
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What is a 6.9?...................................A 69 interrupted by a period. |
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What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?....................................Line dancing at the nursing home. |
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I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.” |
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A man and his wife went to the doctor's office
and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?'' Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample." The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear: ''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!'' |
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Husband:
Shall we try a new position tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart! |
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A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After
about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart
any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to
put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore.
She put the scraps in his pants that night.
He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE. |
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Did you
hear about the giant with diarrhea?
You didn't?! It's all over town! |
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What do a
bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead. |
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What is red and green and goes 100 miles an hour?......................................A frog in a blender |
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