Dearest Jerichoholics,

Upon learning of the PWF's desire to do bios for all of their employees, I decided to take it upon myself, even as a full-blown Ayatollah, to come up with the time, sit down (it's hard when you're so popular! Not to mention always seemingly standing victorious ... but I'm sitting now), and write one myself since I am, in fact, the only one truly worthy of doing so. Why let some idiot, who knows nothing about wrestling, like Panjabish Booboo, for instance, write my bio? Yeah, I said it, Booboo! Me and Benoit ONLY FOURTH on the all-time list of tag teams? ARE YOU KIDDING THE UNDEFEATABLE, you pencil-necked donkey!? Clearly, Benoit was the weakest of weak links, but I, the role model of tens of millions of men and the sweestest sweet sweet dream of tens of millions of millions of tens of women (I am THAT sexay, baby) ... anyways, I carried the team. And I'm Undefeatable. SO, bring on the Eliminators. Taz and Saturn ain't got nothin' on THIS!

In spite of the journalistic atrocity put out by Booboo, I'm going to forgive PWF.com and bring it the OFFICIAL The Undefeatable Chris Jericho Unbeatable, Undefeatable, Boy, It Gets Tired of Winning Bio™. Prepare yourself, Undefeatablites, you are in for one orgasm-inducing ride through the years with yours truly: God. Oh, I'm sorry, that's simply what Kimona calls me when ... well, we're all mature enough to get that one, aren't we? COUGHWHENWEARECOUGHGETTINGITCOUGHONINHERCOUGHDREAMS.

We'll get to my first match in a few moments, but first, I'd like to speak of my training. I see that most wrestlers deemed "good" by most and "far below average" by myself have been trained by world-renowned former wrestlers or whatever. Not I. The Undefeatable Chris Jericho, greatest of all-time, trained himself. Alone. I needed no assistance before my debut match. I was the greatest from the start. You know, I think Excellence knows that and that's why he's always so hostile towards me. We're still boys, though. Anyways, that's neither here nor there. ... well then where is it? I'm not sure. It's somewhere, though. Someone get on that. I need answers.

Okay, the day Chris Jericho decided to bless the wrestling world with its greatest talent ever was April 3rd, 1998. Supreme Championship Wrestling was fortunate enough to offer me more money than all competitors or I would've gone elsewhere. I know my value and at that time, I instantly became the highest paid wrestler in wrestling history. I made more money than James Ace. Anyways, the date was April 3rd, 1998. This is true. I know this because I have all my matches written down, in succession, with result, time, date, attendance, location, referee, and well, other details that I'll keep to myself. It's none of your damn business, anyway, really. So April 3rd. 1998. Wow. I thought, as the highest paid wrestler ever even though I had never wrestled a match, that the SCW would line me up against the best they had. Instead ... dudes signed me to face some curtain-jerking goofball by the name of Riptide. According to my notes, my shoulders hit the mat once, only because I tripped over the unconscious Riptide after his embarrasingly simple defeat. You know, that kid seemed to have potential. HE DID last a little over a minute against The Undefeatable. Sad that that was his last match ever and all. I wonder what he's doing today, anyway?

For the next month or so, my phone WOULD NOT STOP ringing. It was ringing like something ... that JUST RANG all THE time. It was always Mr. Perfect and Excellence doing the whole, "The Perfect Team is the best, we'll dominate for seven solid years starting today if you join up. We know you're the next IT. The next GREATEST. Right now, it's us. Mr. Perfect and Ex. But one day, and it'll probably be at least fifteen years from today, but one day we'll step aside and let you be the man." SURE, I thought. But I liked the donkeys. I saddled up with the Perfect Team and have been leading ever since. I let them believe they are the leaders; we all know the truth, though. OH OH OH, SNAP! Do you see what just happened back there!? SEMI-COLON! Proper use of a semi-colon, even!

Punctuation-skills aside, as impressive as they are, back to the ring we go. On May 8th of 1998, I got in the ring with a man less than one month removed from being the SCW World Champion. Aside: "Got in the ring with" could be substituted for "single-handedly destroyed." This man, who was stripped naked of his championship and pride by Mr. Perfect just a few weeks prior, then had to battle The Undefeatable Chris Jericho. This man was Kerry Nash, the biggest biatch in the history of pro sports. We could talk about him for a little while, but that'd be boring because he was stupid and horrible. Dude sucked something awful.

Ah, yes. Ten days after that, my life took a turn. I won the SCW Cruiserweight Championship, TITLE-COUNT: 1, the first title of my career and one that, quite obviously, I would never lose. Just think, when I won that title, who knew that that would simply be the first of many titles in my career, a career in which I'd never lose or even come close to said-impossibility. True, we all knew, but it seemed especially poignant to say something like that just then. OH! Flag on the play! The Undefeatable just busted out poignant! Ruling on the field: unnecessary show of brilliance! You know, they could penalize me FOUR TITLES and I'd still have THREE! ... you'll never know how frickin' unbelievable it feels to wake up every, single day and be me. Unreal.

What the-? The May 24th, 1998 page in my The Undefeatable Chris Jericho Record Book has been STOLEN! STOLEN! Oh well. Sometimes in life, we just gotta move on. Moving on ...

In June and July of 1998, listen, I'm just going to go ahead and highlight three of the thirty-nine matches I wrestled in and, SUPRISE, was named victor. Of course, you knew that since I always win and never lose. Predictable, yet SO awesome. Aside: What if I truly was named "victor"? Wack. It's odd, though, because the name would fit me well. Better than Chris. But not better than The Undefeatable Chris Jericho. Hmm ... The Undefeatable Victor Jericho. Ah, my offspring, you shall have that honor instead.

Okay, June-July 1998. I wrestled Buff Bagwell, YES BUFF BAGWELL, on June 9th. I'd like to say he stood a chance or that I broke a sweat ... but I'd be lying. I wouldn't like to say it either. That, in itself, was a lie. But, regardless, easy opponent leads to easy win. Aside: When you're me, granted, difficult opponents are non-existant but even if they were, they'd still lead to an easy win. But that's only for me, because, as your paragon of virtue, I rule it ALL. Look around! All this, all that ... ME. I run it.

June 28th would have me defending the SCW Cruiserweight Championship against The Ringmaster. L-O-L! Unreal that he had a job. Fourteen seconds in, this match was over. Aside: Why did Kelly dump Zack for that goof that worked at The Max? I mean, that is something The Undefeatable will never get. I know they got married in the end, but still.

In late July, the 20th for you sticklers out there, I again defended my Cruiserweight Championship, this time against Roberto Van Dam, a much different, yet similar (oddly) Van Dam than the one in the PWF today. He used the same ridiculous arsenal, though. I say somebody's got somebody on some copyright infringement or something. They're both extremely ignorant and horrific in the ring, though, so let's just hope that the current Van Dam disappears like the other one did.

You know, as we go to August, the topic of Sean Gunn arises. It's a sad, midcard at best, nepotismally-plagued topic, but a topic none-the-less. On August 11th, I defeated the Rated R stooge. I actually WHOMPED on him. Sean Gunn was never the same afterwards, but what he became was equally as pathetic. So I guess it helped nothing.

WHAT IN THE WORLD!? August 14th, 1998! STOLEN! HEATHENS! I BLAME RATED R!

Myself, my boy Mr. Perfect, and Excellence took out, AND I MEAN TOOK OUT, Stevie Richards, Al Snow, and Sean Gunn (AGAIN!) in a tag team match on August 31st. Talk about your Rated R-We-Suck-And-Will-Soon-Disappear-Tag-Team-From-Jobberland. I pinned Gunn in this match, but I sorta felt like I would if I allowed myself to be with Kimona. I mean, everyone's done it, so let's don't celebrate the deal. I'm better than that. Aside: I'm The Undefeatable Chris Jericho, so I'm actually better than everyone and everything. Stevie, you shoulda stayed gone, playa!

Ah, a lost classic, some might say, occurred on September 21st, still in 1998, kiddies. On that date, The Undefeatable and a man improperly glorified since as a legend, Del Wilkes, got in the ring and had a nice little match. The night before, I got in a drinking contest with Ravishing Rick and, well, I of course won, but it affected my in-ring work the next night a little. Del got a little offense in, only a little mind you, before Rated R came in and tried to gangbang the ever-loving UNDEFEATABILITY out of me. Luckily ... for Rated R ... the Perfect Team was quick to arrive and hold me back. Rated R was about to get straight-up WAY-LAYED in front of the world by myself, but instead, well ... they ran.

I'm TIRED of this THIEVERY! September 26th, where hath you gone!?

In October, I wrestled and won twenty-four matches. Two of which were against Q-Tip (October 18th) and Crow (SCW 100% Live, October 23rd). Both were for my beautiful Cruiserweight Championship and well, I decided to defeat both men with the Walls of Jericho. I thought about going for the pinfall, but didn't really want to get all the way down on the mat. Sometimes it's kind of dirty and well, I wasn't going to go there on those nights. When you're me, you get to decide such things. It's kind of like a luxury afforded me by myself because of how great I truly am.

Q-Tip came back for more though, because he's stupid, on December 16th at SCW's Open Season pay-per-view. Again, he embarassed his friends, family, and the letter Q by not realizing earlier his inferior status. People actually paid money and saw Q defeated as only he and Sean Gunn are capable of being defeated. I've since heard that Q changed his name to "X-Pac." Whatever. Heh, man, I played that boy. Straight MOLLY-WHOPPED him.

As we entered 1999, The Year of the Jericho, I was prepped for a nice stretch-run that would net me a perfect eighty-three victories in eighty-three matches from January through March. Pay-per-views, as well as Mondays, Thursday, and Fridays are a specialty of mine, so why don't we just discuss those? We shall. I deem it so.

On January 26th, 1999 at SCW Armageddon, I would defend my Cruiserweight Championship against ... you guessed it ... Sean Gunn. You see, James Ace had come to me pleading, practically begging, for me to give his bastard cousin a shot at glory, greatness, Jericho. I told him that he obviously got my request for the night off. We shook hands, I walked away, and on that 26th of January, Sean Gunn lost his 39th consecutive match. Aside: Get Gunn job. I feel guilt. Not really. Just want to laugh at him for having no job.

Moving along to SCW's Crusade of Carnage on February 26th, I decided that defeating one man was, at the time, a task I was not willing to do. I wanted to defeat two men, simply because I can and because, on paper, it is more imprssive. However, when I saw that the two men I was scheduled to face and defend my title against were Rey Mysterio and Bizzy Bone (Ha HAH), well, I immediately defended my drinking championship against Rude the night before the pay-per-view. I then went on to the event, snatched Rey by his ridiculously short legs, and forced him to submit. Even inebriated, The Undefeatable can not be stopped or topped.

Well, so then we get to WrestleMania (March 29th). You see, I was wrong earlier. Roberto Van Dam returned from his Jericho-imposed exile to fight his way back to ANOTHER shot at the opponent that can not be beaten. At this point, I had already been named Professional Wrestling Illustrated's Greatest Wrestler of All-Time as well as their Most Likely To Never Lose. Again, it should be reminded that Roberto is, as far as I know, not related to the Rob Van Dam in the PWF. I do believe I have beaten Rob as well though here in the PWF. Hard to recall the stuff that's just happened ... you know, one jabronie runs into the next. Anyways. WrestleMania. Roberto Van Dam. Pinfall. 1-2-3. I retain. Duh.

See, as a seven-fold champion, you know the titles are coming. Here's one now. April 7th. You see, at the time, Chris Benoit was a small part of the Perfect Team. Make no mistake, if Ex and Perfect weren't all winning titles left and right, one of them would've come for the Tag Team titles with me, but they couldn't. So I took the leftover, Benoit, to the top. As dead a weight as he was, he was decent compared to most competition. So we took on Hidden, the reigning champions, and beat them to become SCW Tag Team Champions. TITLE-COUNT: 2. Pretty simple, there. I, of course, forced Crow to submit while Benoit was off getting pummeled by Onslaught. At least his head running into Onslaught's fists kept Onslaught from breaking up the pin, I guess?

Blatheringblatherskites! Roberto came back for more! I apologize, ladies and gents. I had no idea that ANYone was THIS stupid. Roberto Van Dam. 1-2-3. April 30th. Destroyed by Chris Jericho.

May started off with me forcing Brian Clark to submit to the Walls of Jericho on May 10th. I believe, at the time of the submission, I was demolishing a bag of Cheese Curls while Clark's back was cracking like a ... you know, something that cracks real loud. Brian Clark? I truly have beaten everyone.

A little over a week later, me and Dead Weight had to defend our titles against The Outsiders. You know, okay, so officially, the match was ruled a double countout. But this is what I'm here for. What that so-called official ruling doesn't tell you is that myself and Benoit had been misinformed of the rules. The official had whispered to us early in the match, "dudes, this is a no countout match. Finish Hall and Nash off wherever you want." So, while Benoit had Nash in the Crossface and I was pinning Hall with one foot after what can only be classified as a JERICHOESQUE ASSAULT, the ref counted us all out! I think he was counting by fives! DAMN YOU, NICK PATRICK!

After I beat down Nick Patrick, I decided I was going to sign on with the NOWF, the SCW's only real competition. I certainly felt no loyalty to Ace or whoever was running the show then and well, as the greatest superstar of all-time, I had more money to make. ... Yeah, so the SCW was on hiatus and I had no checks coming in. So what!? JERICHO GOTS TO EAT!

NOWF November To Remember 1999. That is where The Undefeatable would make history and make his NOWF debut, as Kyle Ca$h was the unfortunate victim. Folks, we're talking premeditated assault here. I can't go into what exactly I did to him but rest assured, my record remained flawless. Aside: I GOTS TO KNOW! Was Higgins REALLY Higgins? Or was he REALLY Robin Masters?

The year 2000: The Second Year of the Jericho. That is where we are now, Undefeatablites, and let me tell you ... things are about to get crazy up in here because The Undefeatable is about to whomp as nobody, not even himself, has ever done. And you KNOOOW that's some absolutely INSANE stuff I'm talking because I have already previously whomped as no one prior. And now I'm topping that. You know, reliving this stuff actually makes me think I should be a little bit cocky instead of so damn modest. Oh well. I was raised right, what can I say!?

January of 2000 would be the date for the NOWF No Turning Back pay-per-view and well, the NOWF Cruiserweight Champion Jimmy Fratt thought he was some superstudly hot shot. I, being the SCW Cruiserweight Champion, was all for unifying the titles and letting the world know that I was, IN FACT, the world's greatest. At this point, granted, the entire world just about DID know, but I hear there was a small tribe or band of idiots in Budapest that was still debating the subject. Regardless, I went a little rough on Mr. Fratt, teaching him the do's and don't of wrestling. Basically, DO bow to me and DON'T ever speak to me unless spoken to. That rude biatch got punked in front of the world. Being the unified Cruiserweight Champion felt great. TITLE-COUNT: 3. Now, being even further unified, adding the PWF Cruiserweight Championship, I'm like, floating at all times. Dude's like a genie over here.

May was an interesting month. Now the SCW was set to return to action. They wanted to get all back up in my face, offering contract extentions, cars, shares of stock. I took it all. What's better than dominating one promotion? Hell, let's dominate two. So myself and my followers, the Perfect Team, did just that.

For some reason, I got hated on at NOWF Clash of the Superpowers. I was told I was going to defend my NOWF Cruiserweight Championship not once, but twice, AND wrestle in a ten-man tag team match in the main event! I think they were trying to book The Undefeatable into a defeat, but what they didn't realize is that that, too, can not be done. So I beat a jabronie and then another, and then helped my PT defeat Steve Austin, that SHOOORTY short short Taz, and other imbeciles on the same level. It was a good night for me and my boys. Victory is all we do. Kind of like how Gil Grissom is always figuring something out ... that's kind of like it. We, as the PT, are always pinning somebody or making somebody submit.

So, you know, the SCW's all back and stuff. They return, pay-per-view style, with SCW Aftershock. I'm, of course, booked into a title match because I AM SO DOMINANT. At Aftershock, I won the SCW Television Championship by beating Road Dogg with Mr. Bob Backlund as referee, a man I still have not gotten over. TITLE-COUNT: 4. That man was wise, yet stupid. Booksmart, yet retarded. For all his knowledge, how could he not know he had no shot to beat me? I, of course, am referring to Backlund as both you and I know Road Dogg reads no books.

This is where said-stupidity comes into play. Backlund was granted the next title shot against me ... AND ACCEPTED. I mean, I don't get it? "Hmm ... should I go out and get embarassed or just, hell, save myself the embarassment?" LET ME GO GET EMBARASSED! So on May 15th in Richmond, I defeated Bob Backlund, pinning him in the center of the ring. Bobby Boy, it didn't have to go down that way. Aside: That makes me think of Kimona.

To wrap up May, I beat Scott Hall (AGAIN) and then me and a couple of idiots beat three more idiots. You know, I told you ... A STRETCH LIKE NO OTHER is what this is. Domination like this has not been felt since ... ever.

June rolls around and the NOWF is holding their Emperor of the Ring pay-per-view. Triple H, a huge chumpstain, had not worked out so well a few weeks prior as a partner (basically, by teaming with him, I realized he sucks bad and almost caused me to take a punch to the face - and that NEVER happens). So, seeing as how he had the NOWF Intercontinental Championship, I decided I wanted it so I took it. TITLE-COUNT: 5. I beat Triple H really easily, so easily in fact that Triple H is jobbing regularly in the PWF. To this day, he has not recovered and that makes me smile. It really does. PLAAAYED.

So, let's recap, friends. At this point, I was in possession of the SCW Cruiserweight Championship, the SCW Television Championship, the NOWF Cruiserweight Championship, and now, the NOWF Intercontinental Championship. That's four. You attentive Jerichoholics might wonder what happened to my SCW Tag Team Championship ... the one that I held with the currently unemployed Chris Benoit. Well, when the SCW went on hiatus thanks to James Ace's mismanagings of time and or money, whatever, all titles were declared vacant. So, basically, me and Benoit were going to have to win them back. ATTENTION: prior sentence is a MASSSIVE lead-in. Well-timed, placed, and stated.

So in June, myself and Benoit took on the team of Raven and Taz for the vacant SCW Tag Team titles. You know, Raven and Taz ... I hate them. Raven, I won't discuss because I simply don't want to. Taz, though, everyone knows how I feel about Taz. I laugh at him. Anyways, more on him later. Let it be known that in this match, I, OF COURSE (THANKS FOR NOTHING, BENOIT!), pinned Raven to win the titles back for myself ... and Benoit. TITLE-COUNT: 5.

I could talk about how in June of 2000 at an SCW show, I beat AC Viper by pinfall but I won't. It lasted seven seconds, though. That's important.

You know, I hate when the title-count goes in reverse, but it's about to happen, Jerichoholics, as I'm sure each and every one of you knows. See, Benoit had to peace-out for a while. Basically, he deserted the Perfect Team with little-to-no remorse. And WHAT DOES JAMES ACE DO!? Simple. He screws me and the PT over as soon as he got the opportunity. He puts me and a partner of HIS CHOOSING against Edge and Christian, my younger brothers. He sticks me with SCOTT HALL. Dudes, in the SCW, Scott Hall was like the YRD in the PWF! A show couldn't go by without him finding a way to lose! AND, to top it all of, as I am single-handedly beating my brothers into oblivion, Ace comes out from the back and takes my SCW Cruiserweight Championship to the back! So, obviously, I had to do the right thing and protect my Cruiserweight title's innocence, go retrieve her, and obviously while I'm gone, Hall not only drops the ball, but he kicked the bia under a car. Edge and Christian beat Hall to win the titles. TITLE-COUNT: 4. Edge, we're still blood. Christian. DUDE.

So back to four titles we are at this point, but it's okay, children. At SCW Double Jeopardy in July, I got my revenge on Hall, defeating him by submission. I wasn't about to let this donkey get away with losing a belt of mine! I took great joy in dishing out HELLACIOUS DESTRUCTION on Hall, breaking his legs in fourteen places. Aside: I made that last part up.

Interestingly enough, Sean Gunn actually got another chance at greatness, glory, Jericho at NOWF Hardcore Slam, also in July of 2000. See, dominating two federations is easy ... when you're me. Where would the PT be without my leadership? It's hard to really think about it. Regardless, Sean Gunn, of COURSE, lost cleanly, swiftly, and painfully. He came to me later that night and asked me to mentor him as Mr. Perfect had done for me. I laughed in his face and told him that back during the Rated R/Perfect Team's well-known war, that Ace told me he wanted me in Rated R instead of Gunn and that he wishes I was his cousin instead. Gunn cried. None of it was true, but man, pulling strings is really fun.

So while Chris Benoit was gone, you know, we cut some jokes on him. He's easy to joke on, so what? Anyway, Benoit returned all mad at the world, acting like we wronged him. Granted, we kicked his mediocre bootaki right to the curb, but he should have thought about the good times the PT and him had, not the bad times. We won two Tag Team Championships together (TOGETHER!? PSH), but he didn't want to think about that. Whatever, dude. So, anyway, in late July of 2000, me and Ex had to teach Benoit and Taz a lesson they never did understand. You can't beat the PT. It just isn't happening. They would start to get the picture you would have to think, when me and Ex defeated them two in a cage match on SCW television. It was pretty brutal. I think they both had busted open grills, but I'm not sure. Me and Ex, though, we looked like a million bucks. Aside: I looked like TWO million.

Around this time, that midget Taz took great offense to my "insults." I never feel I insult anyone. I really try not to. I just speak my mind. You see, he had been what SOME might call a "big deal" in the NOWF and he didn't like me telling him and everybody else that I thought he sucked. Again, just speaking my mind here, comrades. Ah, I must say I forgot to inform you of something. You see, James Ace was about to fire Raven from the SCW. Word leaked. Whoever could get the Intercontinental Championship belt from Raven, who was the current holder, and bring it to Ace would be the new SCW Intercontinental Champion. So I went and beat the ever-loving DAYLIGHTS out of that homeless freak. I brought it to Ace and he named me SCW Intercontinental Champion. TITLE-COUNT: 5.

FLAG ON THE PLAY! Ruling on the field: misadvertisement on the title-count!

True enough. The only catch to turning in the Intercontinental Championship was that I had to relinquish my SCW Television Championship. TITLE-COUNT: 4. Well, being on TV is great, but I get that either way. But being the champion of North and South America gives me some control over the oceans, you see. This way, my wealth can grow ten-fold, OR MORE! I immediately began imposing tariffs on all ocean trade in my waters, collecting MUCH money. Ted DiBiase, watch ya'self! Billion Dollar Man in tha house!

You know, that was round-a-bout, but I loves me some round-a-bout. So, back to Taz. We, after months of intense words, finally did the damn thing at SCW's Road Rage 2000 in August. The little guy did alright for himself, but only because he often times ducked under my field-of-vision. It should be no surprise but the Perfect-Sault got him like it has done so many others. It's sad, but in the end, after all the words and threats, Taz was no different than anybody else. He came. He saw. He marveled. He lost. Oh, and he also quit after the match. Because of my in-ring domination, he realized his days at the top were, well, OVER. Aside: How many careers have you ended, you sexy beast?

Goldberg had been running around the NOWF spearing everybody and their grandpappy like a horny rhinoceros galloping through the woods and jungles and stuff. After I won my NOWF Intercontinental Championship, I decided the Revolution Championship was next. So, while everyone else was trying to duck Goldberg, I was begging for a match. I talked to Bill and he said something about wanting to be the one to end my perfect record, but then we both laughed. He knew he had no chance. So we get signed to go at it at NOWF's Final Battleground, also in August. So in the same month, not only do I beat Taz, but I beat Goldberg. Am I even human? OF COURSE NOT. Goldberg was pinned and I became Revolution Champion. TITLE-COUNT: 5.

FLAG!

Damn it! Within days, I had to relinquish the Revolution Championship because the NOWF didn't allow a single wrestler to hold two singles titles. TITLE-COUNT: 4. I tossed that Revolution piece of junk to the side! I wasn't about to lose out on all the tariffs! Intercontinental titles rule!

Excellence had come to the PT and told of us his plans to retire. It also became known that he wanted his last match to be against me, The Undefeatable Chris Jericho. Which, on one hand, makes sense because I'm the best thing going at that point as well as today. BUUUT, wouldn't you want to actually win your last match? I was thrilled at the concept, not only of wrestling one of the true legends of our game but to beat Excellence, that would be a defining moment in my career full of defining moments. I have them all the time. It saddened me to end his career on a losing note, but I mean, winning is my deal. He understands that. And he wanted to beat me. That's what the PT is about: winning. So, after years of wrestling, for the first time, I had an opponent that I could respect. At No Turning Back in January 2001, it would go down. The match itself was the greatest of my career as we sailed past thirty minutes, countering maneuvers that only we could counter. In the end, I beat Excellence and he went out of active competition, but he was an Executive Consultant like you wouldn't believe. DUDE COULD CONSULT!

NOWF Valentine's Day Massacre was an event I was looking forward to. Edge and Christian, they're family, but they were bastards for taking away my SCW Tag Team titles! Me and Mr. Perfect (he thinks he's the best, too, you know) decided we were going to punk them out. That night, we beat the SCW Tag Team Champions. Like I said, I've beaten EVERYbody! I still think Edge and Christian should do the right thing and relinquish the SCW Tag Team titles to myself and Mr. Perfect. We did beat them something pretty vicious.

FLAG!

Okay, the title-count standing at four is inaccurate, sadly. See, in the NOWF, me and the PT, we got suspended in late 2000. During that time, because he's a no-good donkey, Johnny Asterix stripped me of my NOWF Intercontinental Championship. TITLE-COUNT: 3. Don't fret, fellows! All will end up well. As a Jerichoholic, you know this.

So in February, I beat Shawn Michaels. In March, I beat Shawn Stasiak by disqualification because his pal Mike Sanders interfered when doom was imminent for them. Nice to see you back, fellas. I'll be seeing, and defeating, you real soon, I'm sure. Have you guys seen LOU!?

Now, Raven was the NOWF World Champion. That didn't sit right with me one bit because as all of you should know, I think Raven is horrible. When I was beating him down in that SCW lockerroom months and months ago and he was sitting there begging for mercy, incapable of protecting himself, I realized how superior I really was. He, because he is THAT STUPID, was glad to give me a shot. Talk about putting a gun to your own head. Oh, wait ... this is Raven. He does that.

NOWF Full Circle. April 2001. I get my first chance at becoming a World Champion. I had the full support of the Perfect Team. Excellence was CONSULTING LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS! Perfect was giving me advice, which he does to this day. In the end, we all kind of shrugged our shoulders and were like, "It's just Raven." I defeated Raven to become the NOWF Heavyweight Champion of the World. TITLE-COUNT: 4. I looked down at my NOWF, all the peons and peasants, and realized that this is where I've been all along. I've always been the number one man in wrestling. Now I just had the belt to prove it. And for the record, having a belt to prove it ROCKS.

My first major title defense of the sport's big prize came at NOWF Emperor of the Ring on June 24th, 2001. Multi-time former NOWF World Champion Stone Cold Steve Austin was the next "legend" to fall. See, being The Undefeatable, I have a tendency to make successful wrestlers appear helpless and bad. Austin fell like the rest. Aside: I mean, the DUDE AT THE MAX!?

Now, Lou Diamond kind of came out of nowhere, won the Emperor of the Ring Tournament and thought he could take me down. Obviously, he's NEW. He didn't know what he was going up against. At Hardcore Slam, not only would I defeat Gillberg while defending all four of my titles, but I'd also face Lou Diamond for the NOWF World Championship. Some say it was a good match. All my matches are good. I'm in them. They're kind of forced to be good. My matches have no rights. Victory was again mine ... because I OWN it.

The Rock was another so-called fastly-rising star that would do anything it took to get a shot at The Undefeatable and my NOWF World Championship. Rock was a greedy little bastard, though. Not only did he want my NOWF World Championship, but he thought he'd go ahead and try to do everything Chris Jericho had done in three years ... in ONE NIGHT. If it took me three years, it's clearly something no other wrestler could do in their lifetimes. So, you know, this guy, he wants me to put all four of my titles up against his NOWF Intercontinental Championship and his ... career. For most wrestlers, they'd be like, "put up FOUR titles!? Are you crazy!?" Actually, no other wrestler would have four titles to put up so that's not entirely true. Now, clearly, The Rock's career isn't worth peanuts, here. Regardless, I'm undefeatable, so why not? I had never actually legally FORCED anyone to retire before. I had simply defeated them so fully and completely, that they practically hid underground for the rest of their lives. Like a mole, but only if moles never came out from underground. EVER. I'm not one to disappoint so I agree to it. I win it. TITLE-COUNT: 5. I never should have had the NOWF Intercontinental Championship taken away from me, anyway. Later, Rock. Hope ya made it. PWF.com note: Despite our continued attempts to inform Chris Jericho that The Rock did, in fact, make it and is currently employed by the PWF, he insisted this wasn't true and referred to us as "web-editing donkeys."

Dearest Jerichoholics (again),

Yeah, so Chris is a little too tired to keep doing this bio thing. Hmm, I wonder what could have tired him out? Anyway, this is Kimona, PWF Women's Champion and pretty damn tired myself. Aside: We're still all mature enough to get that one, right? COUGHBECAUSEWEARECOUGHHAVINGSOCOUGHMUCHSEX. And I'm here to finish the bio, PWF-style! Everyone's always wondered, what did My Undefeatable do while he was away from wrestling between 2001 and 2005? Lots of stuff. Anyway, he came back in 2005. This was at the behest (L-O-L, what a wack word) of Excellence, who had been called out by some guy the week before. Who was this guy? I don't know. The point is, Chris Jericho was finally back, and all the donkeys of the world were in for it. His return was on March 23, 2005.

First match back? Why, that was the very next week, when a young man named Kaz Hayashi made the mistake of a lifetime ... showing up to wrestle Chris Jericho. This is the sort of error that many have made, but you would think that after four years of not wrestling, Chris would be really, really psyched, right? Obviously this did not enter the mind of Kaz Hayashi, who was brutalized to such a degree that he was pretty much unrecognizable. I should mention that since Chris was STILL the NOWF and SCW Intercontinental Champion, the money was flowing in pretty steadily from his taxation, and this allowed him to be richer, therefore better, than pretty much everyone else around. At the time, I was unaware of just how much better, but now I can safely report, Chris Jericho is better than everyone else.

Some of you might be thinking that the Cruiserweight Championship should be beneath a great, phenomenal, and above-all, sexy wrestler like Chris Jericho. And you'd be right, except that Chris has a soft spot in his heart for Cruiserweight titles. I guess you never forget your first. So, only one week after his first match back, he went out and did what multi-champions do, and that's collect yet another title belt. To be honest with you, Austin Aries and X-Pac were sadly out of shape and actually over the weight limit, but Chris let them compete with that unfair advantage anyway. After mere moments, though, it was over, and Chris bested them both in a ladder match for the PWF Cruiserweight Championship. TITLE COUNT: 6. With all these belts, Chris didn't know how to carry them all. I mean, even a man as awesome and great as My Undefeatable only has SO many limbs. So he came up with the wheelbarrow of belts, and we all love him for it.

Now, there once was a man named Alex Shelley. And well, he wasn't a very good wrestler. But, showing the sort of grace, class, and dignity that has defined him lo these many years, Chris went to him and offered condolences after Shelley lost in his debut match. Even then, even when I, you know, hated him, I looked into his eyes and saw the warmth and compassion for his fellow man, and my heart melted then-and-there. Sadly, Alex Shelley was not so moved, and he actually tried to ATTACK Chris! In retaliation, Chris straight-up walloped him in front of the world at Power Trip. ONE FOOT PIN, BABAY! Also that night, we had our first encounter, as I asked Bobby Heenan to give me a lift back to the PT locker room. I had twisted my ankle, you see, and could not walk. Chris was a great gentleman, understood I was hurt, and gave me a footrub. Aside from The Undefeatable: 'Tis true. She offered herself up, but I waited, because I knew she would offer again later, when she would be physically capable of sustaining the experience.

On May 18, 2005, true history took place. Some guy named Christian or something kept attacking Rick Rude for some reason, maybe he had PMS, I don't know. The point is, he tried taunting Chris, who uttered the single-most important line in the history of the world. "You want some, donkey!? Let's go!" A new sensation had been created on the spot, and life as we know it has never been the same. Oh yeah, also that night, Chris and I had a wrestling match for his Cruiserweight title. Seems I had relapsed into hatred for The Undefeatable, and inexplicably wanted to kick his ass! Fortunately Chris' kisses brought me back to my senses. Still, wack. The next week at Recoil, the biggest flag on the play in the history of flags on the play had to be called, as Eric Bischoff claimed there was to be a "special segment" that turned out not to be so special after all. He retired the Cruiserweight title! TITLE COUNT: 5.

FLAG AGAIN!

He let Chris keep the belt, thankfully. TITLE COUNT: 6.

June was a very important month for My Undefeatable other than that little snafu, though. First, he got some guy named Randy fired by defeating him with such gusto that even Eric Bischoff had to take notice. I mean, nobody really fights back against Chris, because they know they're doomed anyway, but this guy, he just stood there! Didn't even try to run away like a smart person would! Aside: A truly smart person would run away during the contract signing. So after that, what else could he do to make the world take notice? June 22 was the answer to that question. He beat Riptide like the loser Riptide always was ... literally, Chris has been beating Riptide his entire career. On that night, the Perfect Team and more specifically My Undefeatable was made stronger than ever by the addition of Young David to the staff. He's not too big on brains, but he's nice to look at and can move the furniture any time we demand it.

Chris took Terminal Solution off. Well, he actually did announce that he would be bringing the Extreme Championship home to the Perfect Team! I know, it also says he and Rick Rude defended the PWF Tag Team Championships together against the Young, Rich, and Dangerous and the New Age Outlaws. So, he took the night off. I mean really. How did those teams slip under the "We suck and will never amount to anything" radar in the first place? Just to be acting in an Undefeatable fashion, he had Young David murder Road Dogg after the match. For good measure, Chris then beat Billy Gunn the very next week, just to complete the set. July was a good time to be Chris Jericho. Actually, any time is a good time to be Chris Jericho, but July was no exception. He was stomping people left and right, just leaving them looking like much the fools. It was also announced during July that if the Masked Men lost to the Robbinsdale Mafia one more time, then I could have a week off to be with Chris. I was excited as La Mala Sombra approached. Translation for La Mala Sombra? Kimona Loves Her Undefeatable.

So in a First Pinfall Match, Chris did what he always wanted to do, and that's collect sexy number seven. Seven needed to be the new six, after all, and after pinning Triple H, it was. TITLE COUNT: 7. Sadly, my attempt to be with Chris for a week's vacation afterwards was not to be, as Stevie Richards attacked Mr. Perfect and I accidentally on purpose hit Rick Rude in the face with a title belt. Sorry, Rick! Chris was very understanding after the show, though. He had Young David give us both piggyback rides, and that cheered me up. Besides, I knew that eventually I could find a way to be with My Undefeatable. Aside from The Undefeatable: She apparently never heard of "Just come on over already." Well, I wanted it to be special! Anyway, Chris spent most of August lounging around, not really doing much of anything. I wanted him motivated for the Battle Field, so I said if anyone eliminated him, I'd make out with them. That way, everyone would be going after him, and he'd get a great workout! Aside from The Undefeatable: She's never heard of "I was at the gym" either.

Like a thief in the night, the Battle Field match sprang up out of nowhere! Chris drew number one, actually I think, no, I know he traded for it, because he wanted to eliminate every donkey in the PWF on his own. And eliminate them he did. Person after person was thrown out of the ring by My Undefeatable, and it looked like he would easily take the win. But then Chris remembered he hadn't jumped out of a ring in a while. It's his greatest, and really only, weakness. You see, Chris is just driven to jump out of rings. So unfortunately, he succumbed to his urges and did. On the bright side, it meant I got to take him into a closet the next week and try to have my way with him, but he was all "I have a match" and "I can't lose this title!" So I had to let him go before sealing the deal. But alas and alack, my drive to be with him was nearly as great a weakness as his love for jumping over the top rope, and I pounced on him during his match, causing him to LOSE sexy number seven! TITLE COUNT: 6. I'm sooooo sorry!

Of course, one-on-one, Chris thoroughly embarrassed and humiliated Matt Hardy, and at Road to Perdition, easily took the Extreme Championship back without any problems whatsoever. TITLE COUNT: 7. In a way, my weakness was a blessing, because it meant he had another title reign for the record books! BUT THEN! Tragedy almost struck! Those meanies Excellence and Mr. Perfect dragged My Undefeatable off to the Playboy Mansion of all places, when they KNEW how devoted we were to each other! And that hussy, that tramp, that JEZEBEL Hiromi Oshima THREW herself at My Undefeatable when she learned of his love for me! So I laid down the LAW! It was her or me, and he had to choose! And no sneaky choosing "both of us!" No way, mister! And then things got weird! Eric Bischoff brought back the Cruiserweight Championship and let Chris keep it! YAY! But he also made him give up the Extreme title! BOO! TITLE COUNT: 6. But what everyone wanted to know was, who would he choose, me or Hiromi? Of course he chose me, as everyone saw at WrestleFest. And then we rode off into the sunset, with Young David holding the reins. He's not a bad horse driver.

With WrestleFest in the books, My Undefeatable and I set out to celebrate as few before us ever had. Despite what some liars (Young David for one) might tell you, we did NOT barricade ourselves in the bedroom for a week. We were unexpectedly trapped, and had to make the most of our entrapment. And make the most we did, as Chris and I made up for oh-so-much lost time, celebrating both our love and our Undefeatability, several dozen times. After extricating ourselves from the bedroom, we proceeded to continue celebrating our love throughout Casa de Jericho, to the point where now I do not believe there is even a broom closet that has not yet been "broken in," as it were. The next week, we returned to Wargames, where perpetual-frowny-face man Mr. Perfect demanded that Chris shun me, for some unknown reason. Well, my powers of persuasion did their trick, and once My Undefeatable reminded Mr. Frowny-Face of the fact that I had Shawn Stasiak drug out into the street and shot, I was in like Flynn! Not like Mike Flynn, though. That would just be wack in the extreme. It's an expression, a much older expression than Mike Flynn.

Anyway, once I was officially part of the Perfect Team ... (Aside from The Undefeatable: Isn't this my bio? Can we talk about me?) Oh, fine! My Undefeatable and I hit the ring in celebration, and we sang a duet to each other in honor of our Undefeatability. Immediately afterwards, Chris was scheduled to defend his Cruiserweight Championship against Little Spike Dudley, the 300-pound monster, but in order to do what was right for the Perfect Team and bring the PWF Championship back home after the sad day that was the firing of Excellence, oh, wait, that was also the day My Undefeatable and I finally got together. So it can't have been THAT sad of a day. Well, whatever, the point is, for some reason Eric Bischoff didn't want Chris winning all the titles at once, so to get in line for a title shot, and by "get in line" I mean "hop in front of a bunch of undeserving donkeys," he had to somehow get rid of the Cruiserweight Championship. Spike Dudley, the incredibly short and thin 300-pounder, was in the right place at the right time. Chris, displaying uncharacteristic generosity, didn't even lay waste to young Spike before giving him the title, out of the goodness of his heart! That's that man of mine. TITLE COUNT: 5. Sad but true.

The very next week, this intelligent, well-thought-out, and above all else, perfect strategy bore fruit. For over the course of the next seven days, Eric Bischoff wisely made the decision to inform My Undefeatable that, once Mike Sanders had tried and failed to defeat John Cena, Chris would get the next shot. In other words, my baby was named the official NUMBER TWO NUMBER ONE CONTENDER! But then, as we informed the world of this newfound fact, a terrifyingly horrible fate nearly befell us and all the world as Lance Storm strode out to the ring, intent on possibly dismembering the both of us! Fortunately, My Undefeatable was quick to silence him with a multitude of well-placed verbal barbs, and so the universe was saved from death via boredom. Still, Lancey the walking interview of death was wanting to speak, speak, and speak some more, and what he said was comical beyond reason. For you see, dear Jerichoholics, dear Undefeatablites, and even more dear Kimonaholics, Lance Storm was angry that I would no longer be accompanying him to the ring for his matches, nor would I be an acquaintance of his laughably overrated Team SEC anymore. I can understand his anger, but really, given the choice between Chris Jericho and Lance Storm, I can say with one hundred percent confidence that there really IS no choice. So anyway, he was angry, and in his anger, he "forced" Eric Bischoff to give him a future one on one match with My Undefeatable. Why so many people rush into career suicide, I have NO idea. Since we had the rest of the week off, we wandered around the backstage area, mocking people who were on their way to losses. It was pretty fun, but I imagine we made no friends. Whatever. Friends are not something The Undefeatables require. (Aside: I actually had a match with Pamela, but since this is Chris' bio, I'll just let that slide for now. Besides, that pretty much IS a week off.)

After that, came Nuclear Frost. The less said, the better, really. I mean, I was very pleased with the way the night went, but My Undefeatable and I were SO insatiable for each other, that he failed to appear for his scheduled match. Can you believe it? Loving made him lose out on a chance for the title count to be rebounded back up to six. On the other hand, a practical demonstration of the impossibility of speaking whilst a tongue is shoved down your throat was more than worth the price of admission, if you ask me. Very next week, though? Shenanigans already began to conspire to take away from Chris what was already rightfully his! Despite third being further away from first than second is, he was unjustly sent BACK DOWN THE LINE of contenders just because John Cena was upset over being a loser! Ridonkulous, I know. Anyway, something had to be done, and someone had to pay. Wrong place and wrong time are two things that we can call Buh Buh Ray Dudley as a result, and even though we had just finished trysting, the match went well for My Undefeatable and he qualified for the King of the Ring tournament, and I looked forward to becoming known as Queen of the Ring myself. In preparation for what was sure to be a grueling night of action, Chris felt it would be best if we did everything possible to get his stamina up. So, off we went to the races, working to shatter all of our personal endurance records. I'm proud to announce that said-record was crushed not once, not twice, but thrice, as for three days running, we went beyond the max and further. Of course, Chris was WAY too tired to have a match that week. (Aside: I could still have had one, but Bischoff didn't want to embarrass My Undefeatable.) (Aside from The Undefeatable: She lies! I was the one who held off on having a match to soothe her ego.) (Aside: He lies!) (Aside from The Undefeatable: Don't make me come over there!) (Aside: I'd like to see you try!)

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Well. That was ... fun. It HAD been about seven minutes since we'd ... you know ... so it was well worth it, too. It's always better when you wait, kids! Now, where was I? Oh yes. The next week, the PWF celebrated the new year of 2006: The Umpteenth Year of the Jericho by having a special event, "Slammin' in the New Year." Frankly, My Undefeatable and I had been slammin' in the old year as well, but we'll take any excuse we can get. As part of the event, the Slammy Award winners were revealed, and smack me on the ass if Chris and I weren't ALL OVER those things. (Aside: Only My Undefeatable may actually smack me on the ass. That goes double for you, Young David!) The two of us were awarded for our "feud" that had taken place in 2005, and let me tell you, any feud that ends with LOVE is a feud worth having. I won five individual Slammys, including the one for Fall Battle Fields, because everyone knows it was MY bounty that caused people to want to see that show, along with my appearance on the Cabana. And, Chris was in the Battle Field for like, three hours, so that was a big plus too. Anyway, then we did what needed to be done to steal the Best Stable Slammy away from Mr. Frowny-Face himself, because really, what was HE gonna do with it? Nothing. It gets the respect it deserves at Casa de Jericho, believe me. Some people would say that Chris was dishonorable by walking out of the main event that night, but honestly, it resulted in Randy Savage being beaten and humiliated, so isn't that just worth it in the end? I think so, and obviously my honey agrees.

But now, I have some sad news to impart to all of you, dearest readers. The Undefeatable Chris Jericho Unbeatable, Undefeatable, Boy, It Gets Tired of Winning Bio? must come to an abrupt, melancholy, and overall despondent hiatus. For you see, only one week after this Slammin' event, was the King of the Ring. And on that show, in Detroit, Michigan, capital of the idiot-movement, tragedy struck. Now, in the first round of the tournament, Chris walloped Christian so badly that the poor kid thought Steve Austin had shown up, when in fact he was simply beaten by the better man. Since My Undefeatable is better than all other men around the world, this happens a lot. People try to make excuses, usually because they just wish the world was different. But whatever. You have to take things as they are, Undefeatablites, and never forget that. Which is why it is so difficult for me to report that in the semifinals, Lance Storm set out to purposely injure dearest Chris, using every bit of his boring, uninspiring offense to trap Chris in the Sharpshooter hold, which, of course, My Undefeatable had no intention of submitting to, but still, it IS a mighty painful hold, and things were looking pretty bleak. Mr. Perfect managed to save Chris, but in the process, his own incalculable might caused Storm to fly backwards at such a high rate of speed that My Undefeatable's knee was shattered into a completely unrecognizable structure, not at all looking like a knee. But do not think for a moment that we blame Perfect. No, no! He did what he had to do. It was Lance Storm who forced his hand, and it is Lance Storm who shall PAY for this atrocity! You'll see. You'll all see. Until that day, this is The Undefeatable Kimona Wanalaya, signing off! (Aside: What Storm will REALLY pay for is the fact that the doctors won't let me COPULATE with My Undefeatable during his convalescence! How is he supposed to get better without my HEALING TOUCH, I ask you!?) PWF.com note: Despite our continued efforts to inform Kimona Wanalaya that the medical profession does not in fact believe that repeated sexual encounters have any ability to heal torn knee ligaments and cartilage, she insisted this wasn't true and referred to us as "web-editing donkeys."