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 DATELINE FLASH! - (TWW) In a move that has stunned the wrestling world, The Whirl is pleased to present our predictions and conjecture as we look forward to next Sunday's WrestleRama card. The Whirl is proud to have brought you this news before anyone else. Our press pool got together and has put together the following possibilities for the way the WrestleRama card will turn out. For the Unofficial Jobber Championship, Timouthey will face off against Skooner, The Wrestling Loser. The one poor member of the press pool who even thought of giving any chance to Skooner was soon met with a verbal assault. "A Wrestling Loser? How could he possibly have any chance against an honourable performer? Are you nuts? You're probably a TWO fan, that's what I think. I wouldn't be surprised. Why don't you go back to where you came from?" In the Four Corners match for the women's title, industry insider Frankie Funch promised us, "one of them women is going to win, I bet. Yep." So there you have it. The 20 man Battle Royale seemed just too varied to call, until we were informed by one of our staff that, "You all had better pick Timouthey, [deleted] it!" So, regardless of the fact that he is not to participate in the Battle Royale, we decided just to go with it. For the battle between Cruiserweight champ Dr. Billy Ray Valentine (Capricorn) and Ben Traymor, there was a split that was just about even among the pool. Some pointed to Valentine's genetic makeup and good breeding as giving him the edge. Others thought that Traymor's resilience might put him over and give him the victory. So that's settled. In the TWO v PWL Grudge Match, only one of us bothered to voice an opinion. "You all had better agree with me that there's no way a no-talent goon like Terror is going to be able to win on the PWL's biggest card of the year. You all had better be with me behind Kingpin, see. I'm tired of it." The pool was again split on the Fat Albert - Super Heavy matchup. Some felt that Super Heavy was ready to take it to the next level, and that a victory over a performer of Albert's calibre would give him that boost. Others pointed out that if it wasn't for Albert, Heavy wouldn't have a job. It would only be fair, then, to keep his job, Heavy would be happy to do the job. The rest of us weren't quite sure what that was supposed to mean. In the UWF-CWA Tag Team Title Unification match, the pool was split once more. Some felt that the mephistophelian mind games of Charles Nelson Manson and Gravy Train Glutz would give them the edge. Others thought that Hordak and Skeletor could put Manson and Glutz away, "Just like before. And the Supreme Court won't be able to save them this time. Hah-hah!" Again, we weren't quite sure what that was supposed to mean. In the UWF/CWA vs. NWA/WWWF Heavyweight Championship Unification Match, an uncharacteristic split occurred among the pool. Some were of the opinion that Schoolhouse Rocky (UWF/CWA champion) would get the victory simply because he is a "chip off the block." Others were certain that.Plague (NWA/WWWF champion) would emerge victorious "because he doesn't kowtow to that lowlife Terror. That's the way I see it." In the match for the PWL North American Tag Championship, The Fabulous Horner Brothers defend against Soul Glo. One insider who sat in on our bull session summed up his opinion of the match thusly: "I don't think that there's any doubt, baby, any doubt that they're seriously gonna put down the hammer and slide us a match smooth as silk, slack!" Some in our pool cited the Horners' uncanny ability to confuse their opponents as a possible advantage. Others cited the Horners' uncanny ability to be confused by themselves as a possible disadvantage. All agreed, however, that Soul Glo would be sporting the softest, most silky-smooth hair of any of the performers that evening. AA will challenge Long Sweet Lips for the PWL World Tag Championship. All members of the pool think this has the opportunity to be an acceptable contest. One pool member opined, "I think it has a chance to be an acceptable contest." Another countered with, "Yeah, I guess I'd agree." Some of the members thought that the champs would prevail, just because they're the champs. Others thought that perhaps their repetitive theme song would have worn them down by the time they had reached the ring. All agreed that AA stood a good chance of showing up to the match feeling "gay as Minerva." If you don't get it, it's probably not as funny as what you're thinking. In the match for the North American Heavyweight Championship, most of the pool was solidly behind Exterminans. Last year's rookie of the year looks to be in the best form. A few pool members predicted a surprise upset from Grimace. "Hoo yeah! Hiich! Heh-heh! Whaaaach. Hiih!" A lone voice opined that perhaps what happened in the match wouldn't matter too much; that it's not much longer, anyway, until all this won't matter at all; and that we'll look back on these days and wonder what had happened. Figgy Winch summed up his thoughts with a belch. In the main event, PWL World Heavyweight Champion Cooleroy defends against General Zod in what should prove to be a classic. About half the pool thought that Cooleroy would carry it off, citing his incredible staying power. One member cited some graffiti she had read on The East Side, supporting the idea. Others, however, thought that General Zod could pull it out, owing to his superior mind and strength. One person thought that Zod would be too afraid to enter the building, seeing as Butch Jackson was going to be making an appearance. So there you have it, fans! Remember that you read it here, in your favourite wrestling news source. We bring you only the hardest-hitting and most factual news around. |
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 Name: Manny
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