Hidden Secrets

Lou dropped the diary in surprise. She knew the name Running Buck. It was Buck's name, the name he grew up with in the Kiowa village, before it was changed when he left the village. Could the little boy her parents discovered have been Buck? Everything fits, her mother said that the little boy was about a year older than her, and so was Buck. Her mother thought that the nearby Indian village was Kiowa, and Buck was Kiowa. How many half- blooded children were there in the village anyway? From what little Buck had ever told them, there was only one: him.

Buck chose that moment to walk in. He stood in the doorway, talking about the barn, how anything they could do right then would only be temporary, they would need to build a new barn come spring. But Lou was only half-listening. She was looking at Buck intently, wondering if he were the same "Running Buck" that her mother had encountered all those years ago. Wondering if he could be her brother.

Lou knew that her mother had dismissed the possibility on Boggs' say so, but Lou could not be so sure. From what she had read, from what she knew about her father, Lou was more open to the thought. She knew that her father had had dealings with the Indians; Marshal Sam Cain had told her that Boggs had been run out of the country for selling guns to the Apaches. She also knew, as her mother had realised, that Boggs was cruel enough to rape a woman to gain his own ends. Could her friend, whom she loved like a brother, really be her brother?

While Buck was talking to Lou, he was overcome by a strange feeling. It was apparent that she was not really listening, but she was staring at him with a strange expression on her face, like she was contemplating something real important, and that something had to do with him. He moved closer to her, but she did not change her expression. Finally, he clicked his fingers in front of her face.

"What?" she asked, blinking.

"You were miles away. What were you thinkin' about?"

"Oh," Lou hesitated, not knowing what to say. For some reason, she did not want to tell him about what she had read just yet. She wanted to read the rest of the diary first. Something told her that there were more surprises yet. "I... er... just somethin' Ma wrote," she said finally, evasively. It was the truth, just didn't really answer Buck's question.

Buck looked at Lou intently, almost as intently as she had been looking at him. He could tell that there was something that she was not telling him, but then again, there was something that he needed to tell her, but he had neglected to do so as yet, so he decided to let the matter drop.

"Teresa said that you gave Kid and Jeremiah money to get the stuff to fix the barn. Where did you get the money from?" Lou asked this as gently as possible, so as not to offend her friend, but Buck still stiffened.

"Are you accusin' me of theft and murder too?"

"What? Buck no! I know you better than that! I was just curious where you got the money, is all."

Buck sighed. "Sorry, Lou, I'm just sick of everyone suspectin' me just because I have a fair amount of money. It was a bounty."

Lou raised her eyebrows. "Have you turned bounty hunter, Buck?"

"Not exactly. When I was in Seneca, I ran into Geoff Langdon, remember him?"

"One of Sam's old deputies?"

"Right. He told me that he and a few men had been trailing a bank robber from Fort Leavenworth, but lost him just outside Seneca. He wanted to know if I could track for them. So I did, for a while. Then it started to snow lightly, and the men didn't want to go on, even Geoff. They felt it was useless, the snow would cover the tracks. They went back to town."

"And you didn't?" Teresa spoke up, surprising everyone; they had forgotten she was there, she had been so quiet.

"No, I thought it best to keep going, until the snow had completely covered the outlaw's tracks. But before that happened, I found him, and took him back to Seneca. I didn't even know that there was a bounty until I took him in and Geoff told me. They gave me the hundred and fifty dollars..."

"Hundred and fifty? That's more than Cole Lambert gave Kid for bringin' Dyson in."

"The difference being that Geoff Langdon ain't as crooked as Lambert was, and that this bank robber was as 'guilty as sin' to quote Geoff." Buck pointed out. " I soon found out that no one trusted a half-breed with a lot of money. What happened yesterday, happened in every town I tried to stop at. I finally decided to come here and give the money to you. Rachel mentioned what happened to the barn, and I figured you needed the money more that I did."

"Buck..."

He held up a hand. "Don't say it. I already had that argument with the Kid. My mind is made up."

"Thanks Buck."

For reasons of her own, Lou did not tell Buck about what she had just read in her mother's diary, about the possibility that he could be her long-lost brother. There seemed to be no point. Buck never felt anything but hate for the man who fathered him, and there was no way to prove it anyhow; only Boggs and Buck's mother knew the truth, and they were both dead. Why bring the subject up now, when all it could do was confuse and hurt those that she loved dearly?

Having decided not to tell Buck this development, Lou nevertheless was still curious. Something made her mother finally leave Boggs, even after the threats. How did they end up here, at Mrs. Sutherland's place? When were they attacked by Indians, if they ever were? Why did she dream of playing in an Indian village as a child, when she had no conscious memory of doing so? The only answers she would be able to find to these questions would be in the diary, so she excused herself, and went upstairs to her bedroom to finish reading it, amid curious stares from Kid, Buck and Jeremiah; the latter of whom looked very suspicious.

The diary entries were few and far between from that point. Lou could only surmise that her mother had finally figured out just how mean and violent Boggs could be. Fearing punishment the diary was rarely written in, just when something extraordinary, happened; a particularly severe beating or threat made against them, or the birth of Jeremiah and Teresa. Boggs was referred to by his alias, instead of his real name, Eamon McCloud. Then Lou read the words that would totally turn her life around.

May 14, 1850

Boggs is a madman. I know this now, and it is a pity that I could not get away from him before Louise felt his cruelty.

Long ago Boggs gave up any pretence of being nice and gentle, even with Jeremiah, the son he always wanted. He had taken to drinking, and the more drunk he gets, the more violent he becomes.

I made the mistake of mentioning this just now, in the middle of one of his binges, and he grabbed me so hard that I thought he dislocated my arms. He dragged me up to the bedroom, telling me that I had no idea what violence was, and proceeded to rape me, not even having the decency (if that is a word that can be applied here) to wait until we made it to the bed.

When he was finished, he pushed me to the floor and said: "There, I just gave you a piece of what I did to that Kiowa squaw all those years ago."

Lou dropped the diary in surprise. Her father had admitted to raping that woman? So there was a possibility that Boggs was the father of Running Buck, whom they had run into all those years before. But was this Running Buck the Buck Cross she had come to know and love?

I could not believe that Boggs had finally admitted raping that poor woman, when he had so vehemently denied it before. He would not own to being the boy's father, though; he claimed that she was probably a "whore to every white man who came in her vicinity" to quote his rather colourful way of putting it. Without hearing her side of the story, I cannot form an opinion one way or the other on that subject, and I would rather not think about it.

One thing is for certain. I cannot stay here any longer. I will not allow Louise to suffer under her father, and I will not allow Jeremiah to grow up under his influence, let alone little Teresa. But I must plan this carefully. Boggs cannot know that I am planning, nor any of his henchmen. I never thought I would say this, but Boggs' drinking has proven to be a good thing. He has fallen into a drunken stupor, and has collapsed on the bed. He cannot stop us from leaving. If I am careful, I can get the children out without raising an alarm.

May 21, 1850

This has been the most extraordinary week. I was able to get the children out without raising an alarm, but it was not long before Boggs discovered what I had done and came after us in full force. A lone woman travelling with three children, two just babies, cannot get very far. Needless to say, we were not destined to make it.

Then the extraordinary happened. We happened across a group of Kiowa. I thought at first that they were a hunting party, but there were women with them, and my meagre experience with Indians tell me that is unusual for a hunting party. In any case, running across these Indians did not bode well.

Sure enough, when they had determined that we were just what we appeared, and that there were no men around, they proceeded to capture us. I resisted, well tried to, but they fired some arrows at us, and I was hit in the arm. Luckily, the children were not hurt.

Herded together, we were taken to the nearby village under guard, and our tracks hidden or wiped out so as not to lead anyone to us. I was surprised to notice that many of the older warriors seemed to recognise me, which was disconcerting to say the least. Apparently my status as Boggs' wife was well known in these parts, and from the looks of things they wanted to pay me back for any harm caused them by my misbegotten husband. Then a tall, striking woman came out of a teepee. My eyes widened; it was the same woman whom we ran into years ago, the one who claimed that Boggs was the father of her son. It was plain to see that she recognised me, as well.

"What you doin' here?" she asked. "You lead your husband to wipe us out?"

I do not know why, but I instinctively trusted this woman, who called herself Raven Moon. Perhaps it was because she too had suffered at the hands of my husband. In any case, I found myself telling her everything, what Boggs had done to me and why we were fleeing him. I even apologised to her for what he had done to her, not that it is worth much now.

It may have been the confession, or the apology, I am not sure, What I do know is that when I finished my impassioned speech I saw that her expression had changed, it had become softer. I was no longer the enemy, but a person to be protected. They could not keep me in the village, unfortunately, with Boggs combing the area for me, I was too much of a risk. So the next day, Raven Moon and several of the warriors, including her eldest son Red Bear, escorted me to a safe place so I could leave the area unharmed.

Raven Moon's other son, the child Boggs fathered, also came along. and it near broke my heart to watch him and Louise play together. From hearing Raven Moon and others accounts of what happened, I no longer doubt that Boggs is Running Buck's father. Raven Moon is not the type of person who would act the prostitute. I watch Louise and Running Buck play, knowing this terrible secret and unable to say anything, unable to tell my daughter that her new friend is her brother. If she or any of my children read this diary, I hope they can forgive me for keeping this quiet.

That explains my dream, Lou thought.

June 30, 1850

I never thought I would say this, but we are safely away from Boggs. At least, we seem to be anyway. We had not gotten very far when I became ill very sudden. Far from any town or even farm where we could rest, we had to stop where we were to rest. There was an Indian trading post somewhere nearby, but without any money or anything to trade, we were not able to get much needed food. I even sent Louise and Jeremiah on their own to try and procure something, but the proprietor of this particular trading post was not inclined to charity.

There seemed only two things for certain. Either Boggs was going to catch us and practically beat me to death; or we were going to die right there from exposure and starvation.

Needless to say, neither happened. By chance, a man by the name of Roderick Sutherland came upon us. He kindly took us with him, back to his ranch in Nebraska Territory. I did not recognise his name at first, but it turned out that he had married my old friend Patricia. I was a little resistant to the thought of Pat taking us in, knowing that Boggs was still after us but Pat and Roderick insisted.

They have a modest sized ranch house, but they also have a houseful of children and no spare rooms as such, but they do have a large attic, and Roderick knocked out part of a chimney to make a small fireplace. With spare beds and some old furniture, we turned part of that gloomy attic into a nice little alcove. Not that the children spend much time sleeping there.

I don't anymore, either. Within a few days of our arrival, the local doctor, came to check us over. The children are basically healthy, except that Teresa is not particularly strong, and possibly never will be. This is partly my fault. When checking me over, Dr. Seyton found that I have consumption, in the advanced stages. He predicted that I have maybe six months to live. Amazingly, I was consumptive the whole time I was carrying Teresa, but she shows no sign of the disease, just the slight weakness.

I am running out of pages in this blessed diary, so this will be my last entry. I will not tell Jeremiah about Boggs. His memories of the time back there are practically gone, and I will do nothing to dredge them up. At some point I will tell Louise not to tell the children about Boggs, to tell them that their father had been a good man who died. With any luck, they need never even remember Boggs at all. Of course, this way they'll never find out that Running Buck is their brother, but it will be a long time before they can understand, and I won't be around then. They are not likely to ever meet Running Buck again.

I have said this before, but I am writing it again now. Should any of my children come across this diary when they have grown up, I pray that they will forgive me for everything that I have done. Lying to them about their father, hiding the fact that they have a brother, all the things that could later haunt them. Everything I have done, I have done for them, to protect them. One day, I hope they will understand this.

Onto Chapter 6