ERAP: "I have a brain cancer. Yehey!!!"
Ramos: "That's delicate, how come you're still happy?"
ERAP: "Now I know I have a brain!"

Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli German who supplied him with a constant flow of Blue Label. All the gentlemen came in black jackets, white shirts and black ties and the ladies in black gowns.

Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his Blue Label to get him through the night. Then he saw a lady in a white gown. "Reli, that's the lady I like," Erap said. "She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will ask her to dance." "Madam, would you care to dance with the President of the Republic?" Erap asked.

The lady replied, "No, and I will give you 3 reasons why. Reason No. 1, I don't know how to dance." "That's a legitimate reason," Erap remarked.

"Reason No. 2, you are drunk," the lady continued. "That's your opinion," Erap said.

"Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin."

During one of Erap's Campaign rally for his presidency, Erap was delivering his speech when suddenly an assassin tried to come near to him and kill him. Fortunately his bodyguards saw the man and mauled him, but when Erap saw this, being "makamasa" he stopped his bodyguards.

Erap: "Itigil n'yo yan", huwag n'yo s'yang saktan".

Bodyguard: " Boss, gusto kang patayin nito"

Erap: "Halika lumapit ka dito" (calling the assasin), bakit gusto mo akong patayin, at paano mo akong papatayin?"

Assassin: "Pasensya na po kayo, napag-utusan lang po ako".

Erap: "Paano mo naman akong papatayin?" "Sa dami ng tao dito, babarilin mo ba ako o sasaksakin?"

Assassin: "Hindi po, iinjection ko po sana itong syringe sa inyo na punong-puno ng dugo na infected ng AIDS virus".

Erap: "A ganoon ba, o sige iinjection mo sa akin (offering his shoulder), para hindi ka patayin ng nag-utos sa iyo."

Everybody was stunned by Erap's action.

Erap: "O sige humayo ka na, at huwag ka ng gagawa ng masama".

Bodyguard: "Boss, Bakit n'yo ginawa iyon, baka mamatay kayo"

Erap: (whispering to his bodyguard) "Akala n'ya naisahan n'ya ako, hindi niya alam na nakasuot ako ngayon ng CONDOM".

Seated between a Japanese and German businessmen, Erap listens to the two. The German, talking in his native language, had on a headgear.

The Japanese asked the German "Kore wa des ka?...what is that?"

German: "Hiel...dezz iz nothing. It iz zee latest technology ien Germany...the headsvone! I am talking to mine headquarters in zee Berlin." The Japanese, not to be outdone, also started talking in his native language. The German asked him, "Vhat is dhat?"

The Japanese says proudly, "Ano ne..kore wa is latest Japanese technology in Japan! Have mic implant in tongue...and speaker in ear. I speak to office in Tokyo...neh." ERAP, irked by the two other nationalities started to do a slow and looong fart.

"....TRRRRRRR,TRRRR..PURURUUUUUUUT!"

The two businessmen closing their noses say...."&?%$#@! What's that sound???"

Erap says proudly,"Ah that, that's nothing. I was only sending a fax to the President!"

Erap and Mirriam Debate

The most intelligent "presidentiable", Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised
debate.

To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to giveErap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.

Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.

She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the Ps5,000 and turns away to go home.

Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what is the answer!?"
Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....

FVR: Sorry I'm late! brownout! na stuck sa elevator for 1 hr
ERAP: Wala yan ako 3 hrs sa escalator

On the first day of Grade 3, Erap's math teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Erap did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you're an Estrada, son."

The next day, in English class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "K" with only one mistake but Erap outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "M". That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you're an Estrada, son."

The next day, the boys were dressing up after Physical Education. Erap noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm an Estrada?"

Batong Puti at Batong Itim

Hindi lang si Armando probinsiyano. Taga-bukid pa man din! Siya na siguro ang pinaka "promdi" sa buong mundo.

Isang umaga, kagigising pa lang niya, napansin ni Armando na ang kaniyang ari-arian ay hindi lang malaking malaki kundi matigas na matigas pa at mukhang namamaga ng husto. Natakot si Armando sa kaniyang nakita kaya kumaripas agad siya ng takbo sa bahay ni Doktor.

Kumatok si Armando. Bumukas yung pinto at pinapasok ni Doktor si Armando. "Ano'ng problema natin?" tanong ni Doktor. Sagot naman ni Armando, "Ito pong ari-arian ko, pagang-paga nung paggising ko! Natatakot po ako, Doktor..." "Hindi problema 'yan, wika ni Doktor". Kumuha si Doktor ng kung ilang "hielo" (ice cubes) mula sa kanilang freezer at ibinigay kay Armando. Paliwanag ni Doktor kay Armando, "Itong hawak ko (hielo o ice cube) ay batong puti." Reseta ni Doktor kay Armando, "Dampi-dampian mo nitong batong puti ang iyong ari-arian at sa ilang sandali ay mawawala ang pamamaga." Nagpasalamat si Armando kay Doktor at nagmadaling umuwi sa kanila.

Pagdating ni Armando sa kanila, dinampi niya ang "batong puti" sa kaniyang namamaga pa ring ari-arian. "Tama si Doktor!" wika ni Armando sa kaniyang sarili. "Sa pagdampi ng 'batong puti', humupa nga ang pamamaga!"

Lumipas ang ilang araw, gumising si Armando isang umaga na matigas at namamaga na naman ang kaniyang ari-arian. Takbo agad si Armando kila Doktor. Kumatok si Armando. Bumukas ang pinto at pinapasok ni Misis si Armando. Tanong ni Armando kay Misis, "Kailangan ko po ng 'batong puti' ni Doktor kasi namamaga na naman ang aking ari-arian." "Wala dito si Doktor", sagot ni Misis. "Ano ba ang nararamdaman mo?", tanong ni Misis. Ipinakita at ipinahipo ni Armando ang kaniyang ari-arian kay Misis at natuwa si Misis sapagkat tunay nga namang sobra ang pamamaga... hindi lang napakalaki... napakatigas pa."

Biglang nagka-idea si Misis. Tinanggal ni Misis ang kaniyang palda at ang kaniyang panty. Ipinakita ni Misis ang kaniya namang ari-arian kay Armando. Wika ni Misis, "Ito ay 'batong itim'. Ipasok mo ang iyong namamagang ari-arian diyan at tiyak na mawawala ang pamamaga." Sa madaling sabi, pinasok na ni Armando, nilabas ulit, pinasok ulit, nilabas ulit... buweno, alam niyo na ang nangyari pagkatapos...

Pagkatapos nila Armando at Misis sa "batong itim" therapy, tinanong ni Misis kay Armando, "O, ano ngayon ang masasabi mo... Ano ang mas magaling, yung batong puti o yung batong itim?"

Sumagot si Armando, "Naku, Misis, kung ako lang, ang tatanungin, mas magaling ang 'batong itim!"

Bakit mo naman nasabi 'yun?", tanong ni Misis.

Nakangising sumagot si Armando, "Aba, ay may gagaling pa baga diyan sa batong itim. Tanggal na ang pamamaga, labas pa ang nana!"

Why did the Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate

Why was the Erap proud for finishing a puzzle in only six months?
The box said "2 to 4 years!"

Why can't Erap dial 911?
He can't find the eleven on the phone!

How can you tell if Erap has been using your computer?
There is liquid paper all over the monitor.

Why is it good to have Erap as a passenger in your car?
You can park in the handicap zone.

Why does Erap like a BMW better than a Volkswagen?
He can spell BMW.

Why doesn't Erap eat Jell-O?
Because he can't figure out how to get 2 cups of water into those little packages.

Little is known of the fact that Erap once applied in Med School. Listed below are the results of his
entrance test dug up from some ancient archives. Needless to say, he didn't make it.
Antibody - against everyone
Artery - the study of fine paintings
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - letters like A, E, I, O or U
Caesarean Section - a district in Rome
Cardiology - advanced study of poker playing
CAT Scan - searching for one's lost kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Coma - a punctuation mark
Congenital - friendly
Cortisone - the local courthouse
D & C - where Washington is
Dilate - to live longer
Enema - not a friend
ER - the things on your head that you hear with
Fibrillate - to tell lies
Genes - blue denim slacks
Hemorrhoid - a male from outer space
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor Pain - hurt at work
Organ Transplant - what you do to your piano when you move
Paralyze - two far-fetched stories
Pathological - a reasonable way to go
Pharmacist - person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
Protein - in favor of young people
Red Blood Count - Dracula
Rheumatic - amorous
Secretion - hiding anything
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tibia - country in North Africa
Triple Bypass - better than a quarterback sneak
Tumor - an extra pair
Urine - opposite of "you're out"
Varicose - very close
Vein - conceit


People say...
Alfredo Lim is half-Filipino, half-Chinese.
Manoling Morato is half-Filipino, half-Filipina.
Erap is half-Filipino, half-Alcohol.

First thing Erap will change is the name of Malacanang Palace to White Castle.

Ramos: Erap, why do you cry while eating Chippy? And why do you shed your tears on the
wrapper?
Erap: Because it says here on top "Tear here"

Man's Prayer To A Woman:
Oh Holy Woman, Lay down on a Holy bed.
And let my Holy Pole enter ur Holy Hole,
So that my Holy Juice can produce a Holy Ghost!

Lady on her frist medical exam:
Doctor: Hubad na, wag kang matakot, di ako magsasamantala.
Lady: San ko lalagay panty ko?
Doctor: Dyan sa tabi ng brief ko!

Q: Ano ang pinagkaiba ng itlog sa balot?
A: Ang balot nasa loob ang buhok. Ang itlog nasa labas ang buhok.

4 Types of Women:

VIP = Virgin Pa po
NPA = Na Perstaym na po
MILF = Makailang ulit Lang Fo
WWF = Warat na Warat na Fo!

3 Guys introduced to a girl :
1st : Hi, I'm Jude, not the saint.
2nd : Hi, I'm John not the baptist.
3rd : Hi, i'm paul not the pope.
And the girl said......
Hello, I'm Mary not a VIRGIN!

It's time to refresh your tagalog, sabihin ang mga titik sa tagalog :
Example: A=Ah, B=Ba, K=Ka, etc.

B K W L K M G W.
P R M S Y K, T W K.
H H H L L L, H L L L H H H,
T M N P R K N T NG!