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     Yes I'm scared, scared shitless, scared witless
     hitless for there is nothing for my clenched hands to hit
     but everything
     everything I don't see around me
     surrounding me

     so hard to see beautiful people and happy people and smart people
     people I spend my days with, share my ways with
     so hard to see them hurt and hurt
     so hard not to sob, I don't sob, I don't cry
     I don't have a sick feeling in my stomach, like every bit of common sense, every wise word, everything I know to be true is coming back to haunt me
     but I don't know
     I never do
 
     but there's a drumbeat, a rhythm all through the feeling
     so I can loose myself
     be only motion, not emotion
     lose my heart, or rather put it somewhere
     safe for a while
     as safe as not reading
     as safe as a scribbled out word
     safer than razors that are strangers to me
     safer than strangers who might beat me or rape me or maybe not smile
      and look through me

     I want them to stop looking through me

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