Dating in Reality is a Real Deal Dating GameDating is a Losing Game full of awful Dates wherein you may or may not kiss someone not in your family (gross)! The Understatement crew will help make this necessary evil more palatable.
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The Meeting of the Minds
Juan and Cassandra were relaxing at the spa, You know, kicking back, getting headrubs, when they decided to make a webpage about dating. Juan is preoccupied with dating shows in the worst way. "Blind Date", "Shipmates", and now this crazy "Fifth Wheel" show take up a lot of time that could otherwise be used creatively. Since Juan and Cassandra are thoroughly comitted to one another, they don't date anyone BUT each other. However, they've been around the block in their minds, with the assistance of television, and they want to help you GET IT RIGHT. For starters, don't get massaged at a weird massage parlor together and at the same time, 'cause it just seems to complicate things. |
Juan Gives His Hot Tips:
The first thing you do on a date is give a girl a little box. Make sure you put some cotton in there to fill it out, and tie it with a real nice bow so she won't want to open it. Just say "A gift for a beautiful lady!" and hand her the box and then quickly slip behind her and grab her around her waist. With any luck this will all go as naturally and non-awkwardly as it looks in the picture at the right. Don't be nervous! That just makes it worse. And remember, people are constantly giving little chochkies to each other and then slipping around and grabbing them around the waist from behind. With any luck, your date will start laughing maniacally at the hilarity of the situation. I mean, just imagine, recieving a small and worthless gift, thus giving her date leave to honkey-house her and pretend it's just puppy love flirting! It's quite humorous, actually! |
...And This Never Fails...
Don't listen to the naysayers, fellows. Women enjoy nothing more than a classy cruise involving evening gowns, tuxedos, and fresh champaigne. If this scenario is beyond your economic means, I always find a 32 oz. of Mickey's malt liquor kind of looks like a bottle of bubbly (40 ounces are a bit much for the ladies, I've found). Throw on some rental evening wear and jump on the Staten Island Ferry just after rush hour, when the sun is setting and the seagulls wend their fetted, trash-filled, majestic, cat-sized bird bodies home. After a glass or two of that fine Irish not-quite-ale, sit your date on top of some large, functional element of the boat and do the classic "forehead pheremone transferral maneuver". Ladies Love Boats, but don't forget the Dramamine. |
