April 3, 2000
This is kinda like im exposing my diary and posting it on the internet. Im not
really sure why im doing it, maybe because im too shy to actually write a personal
zine. What i write is whatever comes to my mind, that i feel strongly enough about that i
feel the need to tell everyone else. I also feel that
some sort of an introduction into my life is necessary. But im not
interested in that idea at all.
Im sitting here listening to harvest, trying to grasp one of the
many thoughts running through my head.
Three weeks ago i made the decision to move to charlottetown pei
for a few months. There are numerous reasons for my departure.
The first and foremost being employment.
Also im bored sick, living here, and i think a change of surroundings
might be just what i need.
Not everyone is as happy with my decision as i am, which makes
leaving my beloved friends and familiar surroundings harder than it
already is. But thats just the way life goes, i guess. I'll miss
everyone more than anything, but I'll be back for a few visits now
and then.
In addition to the difficult task of telling people the
news of my relocation,
i recently discovered that i am five weeks pregnant. Just what i need.
Luckily my boyfriend was incredibly supportive and caring. We talked
about our options and soon realized that we didnt have many. Abortion
is the only answer for us. Im not asking for hate mail for that statement. I dont
really like the idea too much my self but i have to do it. One thing i think many people don't understand is that its one thing to
have your opinions on being pro-life or pro-choice but its another to actually be pregnant and have to make the real decision yourself.
Your ideas change dramatically when your actually placed in the situation in question.
The pregnancy is really bringing me closer to a lot of people, which is
nice, but i wasnt sure if i wanted everyone to know about it. (i guess its
too late now) I wanted to tell people because i consider my self fairly
open with my life to anyone i consider a friend. But this time my insecurities
got the better of me and i wasnt sure if i could handle a lot of people
knowing of my sexual history. Also i was afraid of people judging me or
looking at me as a different person.
Maybe im just paranoid...who knows.
Everyone has there own insecurities,
and fears. We all have the same
problems, generally. So why can't we listen, and understand each other? Why
do we continually put ourselves and others through such pain? We repeatedly state that friendship is important and should be placed above all else. If so, then why arent we there for our
friends like we say we should be? We need to
make more of an effort to communicate to each other.
Why do we always wait untill it's too late? We wait untill our feelings are
hurt beyond repair. We wait untill there is such a gap of awkward
uncertainty. Why dont we reach out for one another like we know we want to? Maybe it's because we all feel too sorry for ourselves and are caught up in our own problems to really give a damn.
But is that really a good enough excuse?
