May 12, 2000
So. Maybe I do give up too easily. Just another fault of mine. Im sorry that I have no hope. Im not the only one. "...i lost you and i will never have you back." Those weren't my words of sorrow. Although I shouldnt act like I never heard myself saying that. But like I've said many times before, these feelings of lonliness are not foriegn. I accept it.
I feel totally all over the place. But maybe thats ok. I feel like there are so many different sides to me that Im not a decent representation of myself. I don't even know if any thing I write, says what I really mean. Sometimes I feel insane. And i tell people that when i meet them. You know, as a warning. so they know what they're getting into. But I dont think they ever believe me. They smile and laugh. "Yeah me too", they might say. "But no, really" i insist. "There's something wrong with me. I know it". But they dont take me seriously. I find mental health fascinating. Insanity is so mysterious. Im pleasantly waiting for the day Bob Barker goes crazy. (how old is that guy anyway?!)
See? Already i've proven im all over the place. From talking about friendship to the fate of Bob Barker. My fingers can't type fast enough to record all of these thoughts. Maybe someday I'll get a radio show and just talk. Forever. I'll drive everyone mad. My rambling will eat away at them. I think i say too much. Im too revealing. I expose my true self to too many strangers. But i dont even know if this is my true self. I hope so. I dont want to pretend to be someone else.
Sometimes you almost wish you were the only one in the world with these problems. Only because you couldnt imagine seeing someone else feeling the same pain. But thats only a dream. A distant fantasy of mine. Its always the ones you least expect. They seem so stable, strong, and happy. But no.
Im trying to run away from this. Physically and mentally escaping this stress, this pain, these tears. But i know i'll never escape it. Never. Fuck. I've already said this all, a million times. Who am i trying to convince? Im trying to run. But its getting me nowhere.
