October 10, 2000
why did htis have to happen? how could it have happpened. i know it sounds too dramatic but it feels like my whole world has come crashing down. how could you do this to me?? how? how can you be so insensitive? why did you wait so long? you knew you were hurting me more and more with each day.
i cant look at you. a painfull wave of every memory good and bad washes over me everytime i look at you. why cant you understand that this can work? why does this hurt so much? you were always there for me. you were everything i ever wanted. you made me feel complete.
its ironic that the same person who made me feel like the most beautiful most intellegent girl in the world can in a split second make me feel like im worthless. make me spend my every waking moment crying over my misfortune. why cant we just give it time? i dont understand. this isnt the way it was supposed to work out. we were supposed move back in with each other, and remember how much we loved each other
and things would be better than ever. i was so happy. we could have been so happy together. you mean so much to me. i care about you more than i even know. this isnt supposed to be happening. you made everything in my life seem so much more meaningful.
when i think about the way i feel about you, it makes me feel stupid. it makes me feel like an immature little girl who thinks shes knows everything about love after her first kiss. but my feelings are so strong. and true. they are so very true. you are everything to me. everything. i look up to you in a way as i do to no other. you make me smile. you make me laugh. your constantly making me think. you answer all my questions. you fix all my problems. you heal all my wounds. but heres a wound you cant heal. a scrape too big. a cut too deep. a splinter too sharp. a scar too slow healing. a broken heart.
can i say i feel empty inside? am i being too selfish? i think when we met, you slowly made a place in my heart for yourself. and now that you insist on leaving me that place is so cold and empty. vacant.
i miss hugging you in my sleep. burying my head in your chest. i miss telling you everything. and seeing you nod your head. a sign that you were always listening to me. always. no matter what hour of the night. no matter how long the conversation had dragged on for, you always kept listening.
its raining out. and i dont know where you are. im worried. i care about you too much for my own good. i just want to know you're safe. i want to know your ok. i want to know your on your way home to see me.
i dont want to cry anymore. i want to feel happy again. truely happy. no more fighting with myself to keep back the tears that are dying to pour down my already tear-stained face.
do you remember the day we talked about depression, and you told me that i just had to "get over it" and "smarten up"? i thought that was so mean. i didnt understand. but the next day i just starting thinking differently. i held my head up. looked to the sky and the sun. and told myself that i was worth it. you helped my self-esteem. but you cant help your own.
you hurt me. but i hurt you. i meant to hurt you. i was being self-ish. i have a habit of doing that. all i can feel is my pain. and i forget what its like to be confused.
i dont want you to move home. i dont want you to sleep on the couch. i want you to stay with me. i want to go grocery shopping with you, and be able to put our food in the same cart. i want to share with you again. hey, who shares wins, right?
its only been a day. feels like forever. ugh. this is only the beginning. im too optimistic. too much for my own good. i just keep telling myself that everything will work out. that you'll read this and come back to me. tell me that its worth another try. but will you? or will you just think im even more pathetic for sitting here for a 30 minutes rambling about how i cant live without you.
dont you want this? havent we always felt the same about each other? remember our first kiss? we kissed the same. remember the night i told you i loved you? you said you felt the exact same way.
i feel like i have more to say, but i'd just be repeating myself. and i think you've already heard all of this enough as it is.
why havent you come home yet? are you thinking about me? or are you hiding it all again. i didnt mean to hurt you. i was upset. as always. i just needed some space.
please come home.
xoxoxox
alexis
