There are many stories about how these "players" prey upon us. What some of you may not realize is how these players can affect a friendship between women. My friend Sally (not her real name) and I would keep in touch via IM's since we lived in different time zones. We used to live in the same state, but my husband was transferred and we had to move. Anyway, Sally was divorced and single for many years, until she discovered the AOL chat rooms. It was like a new world was open to her! She would tell me the screen names of the men she was talking with and I would watch them in rooms flirting with other women when she wasn't on line. Sometimes these men would IM me and give me the same sweet chatter they gave to her. One even gave me ALL his phone numbers (work, home, cell, beeper) because he was dying to meet me, even though Sally had already spent a weekend with him and thought he was THE ONE! When I told Sally what was going on, she was furious with ME for "stealing her man"!!!
Ladies...WAKE UP! If this man is telling you all this sweet stuff, don't you think he could be telling it to someone else? And why would your friend, someone you have known for years, want to hurt you? I don't understand why we as women will believe a man over a girlfriend. I understand about being alone and lonely. I also understand about loyalty. If anyone would have your best interests at heart and have a clear mind, wouldn't it be your friends, not some guy you met on-line?
Men will come and go, but your girlfriends are with you for life. I would hate to see another friendship lost over some on-line player. I just keep this in mind when I talk to people on line..."If they sound too good to be true, they usually are".

Chat rooms are a lot like bars, a lot of married sleazes hanging around to pick up all they can. And there is gross misrepresentation online and we women need to examine things closely. Some of the things I have read here have happened to me. It is a form of entertainment and ego trip to these men, and they are laughing at the women who fall for it. And yes, it stings when you end it because you don't want to believe that person was playing with your heart and having fun at your expense.
The biggest turn off in the world would be the first time a man asks me for money. Right then I would know I've got a bum on my hands. I have been alone a long time, but I can never become so desperate to allow someone to "take me" with just mere words. And I have learned from a long time ago, never date a man fresh from a divorce on the rebound. He will date you, recuperate, and then move on to other territory.

I met someone in person whom I had met online. I knew him online for about 10 months to a year. We spent over 250 hours on the phone-- no kidding. I have the phone bills as does he to prove it ~ before we met. We also exchanged video tapes and snail mail. I really thought I "knew" him well before we met. Unfortunately he isn't as he presents himself online. He strongly gives the impression that he is a therapist or active social worker when in fact he is JOBLESS. I found out he has had four wives and was still currently married to wife #4 -- however, they haven't lived together for about 5 years. [ Why do some guys go for a separation as opposed to a divorce??? Because they are free to play around and can always fall back on that they're still married for a handy excuse to bail out of a relationship? The FB Staff ] But he does portray himself one way on online, yet in real life he is not what he claims to be online. Um...he also has shall I say -- certain problems that aren't apparent online. MY POINT: despite 500-some emails and over 250 hours on the phone, I DID NOT really "know" him.

NEVER lend money to someone outside family, I don't care how much you think you love them or they you. If someone truly wants to see you, he will find the money to travel to do so. Any guy who can't afford to pay his own way is not worth your time. A good, responsible, contributing member of society can pull his weight or have the guts to admit something is out of his reach, including you if needs be. Don't get soft and pay his way. Any man who allows that is a con. I've met both online and off. Luckily, my losses are miniscule.

After breaking off an engagement, my friend turned to the internet and met a nice 'Christian' man, who was very chatty and shared so many interests and did not mind her 'three' girls. Finally he flew to her home town to meet her and she was more than pleased with his good looks and charm. The flowers and card really seduced her, as did his lavish attention. After a weekend at her home, he arranged for her to fly out to him. She went alone for a weekend. He told her he was buying a bigger house, better to suit her and the three girls. Things were really galloping along, but on her return home, his emails got less and less ... as did his nightly phone calls. But she still packed the kids and drove ten hours to spend a week with him, at his 'new' bigger home. No flowers or card this time. He had to work, so she spent the time clearing his front yard, cooked his meal. He came home from work and gladly let her wait on him. Then she did the laundry and found a woman pair of panties. He lied saying that they were either his ex-wife's or his ex-wife's daughter's ... both of whom were too big to fit them. He got quite nasty so she dropped it. He then ignored her the whole night. Leaving a bad atmosphere, he went to work the next day. Meanwhile, she unpacked his boxes, helping him move in ... she found a large envelope and in it, love letters to several women he hadn't mailed. Later when she turned on his computer to check her email, there, to her amazement, was a list of women he was 'chatting' with ... and she one of many. The light dawned that he was just a player. She quickly packed and took her kids back home, leaving him a terse message. Needless to say, she never heard from him again.

I have been fortunate enough not to be scammed so far, but that doesn't say it couldn't happen. Have hit my share of married men who "forgot" they were, single ones just looking to "score", and stupid ones who assume that I am too. Don't build a Prince Charming out of just a picture and flattering email.

My best friend was "played". She became involved with someone from Ohio on line. He was a firefighter, divorced, two kids. She flew to see him several times, helped him fix up his house to sell after the divorce and etc. Then she found out this man had many weekends with many women and many IM's going. I do not know what makes us women so susceptible, but we are.

Dear Online Sisters ~
I am not a feminist by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I enjoy the small pamperings like a nice quiet intimate dinner and having the doors opened for us, things that are seldom bestowed upon us anymore. Women have been struggling for centuries to gain equality and their dignity and what has taken us a lifetime to achieve has been taken away from us through this new technology called The Internet. How easily our self-esteem is shattered when some insecure, arrogant, sexually-deprived twit named "HrdCck4U" logs onto AOL.
It seems that these beer-bellied, balding, heavy-jowled men expect all of us to be Victoria's Secret models and AOL has become a smorgasbord for them to pick and choose. Many times, some of us have been dumped or ignored by one of these men when some woman named "HotMistress40D" pops in the room. I have also seen many pass over the real women in a chat room with hopes that the resident BOD would finally reply to their IM or email. I have had men that I have met in person immediately block me because I did not live up to their standards and were in fear that I would go chasing after them when, in fact, I never IMed them or emailed them in the first place. And why do they think that they lived up to my expectations? At least I was mature enough to put all shallowness aside and give them a chance as a person.
Yes, some men have become predators and if you spurn their advances they immediately go into a childish fit of rage and label you either as a "Fat Pig" or a "Lesbian". I have seen this and been the recipient of this many times. But we cannot totally blame the males in this game, I have seen women pander to these guy's every whim, bolstering their already over-inflated egos above and beyond where it is should be in the first place. You must remember, these men are the ones that we would not even give a second glance at a bar or a nightclub. We would find them repulsive and boring in a natural setting. So why have they become so popular here??? Are the women that desperate for attention that they have lowered their standards and forgotten all that we have struggled to gain in our lives? I make this commentary public domain and thank Fighting Back for letting me vent. Best of luck to all of you.

My lothario's name is Steve and he claims to have once worked with John Denver and goes on tour with Dan Folgelburg. He resides in Wisconsin in his parents' cabin by a river. He always elaborates about the river's beauty and talks about the fires he has in his cabin fireplace. Is very moody ... one day is talking to you and all upbeat ... the next day is very down and has even talked about suicide. He once told me he was going for a swim in the river, and that his brother would let me know what happened. Is very charming and always gives you smooooooooooches ... but NEVER comes out and says he loves you.
He is online constantly [ This plus living in his parents' cabin is a strong indicator that he is unemployed ... is living on disability, or welfare, etc. ... OR is he just another old goat on social security and ego-tripping by lying about his age and chasing after younger women? The FB Staff ] He only talks to you if he is in the mood. He has seven screen names; I only know of four. I was contacted by one of his other online women. We compared stories which were almost the same except he told me he was 45; he told her he was fifty. He's always bragging about his encounters ... with young women in their early twenties ... one from a show called Dawsons Creek that he supposedly had an affair with.
Watch out for this one! He is a real heart stealer and online predator. He likes to hang out in Ebony and Ivory chats ... is a multi-ethnic lover, so he once told me. I believe I met him in a Forties chat room, so he is there too. BEWARE.

HOW TO AVOID LETTING A PLAYER PLAY WITH YOU
by CAZimmy818@aol.com

#1. If he sounds too good to be true, guess what, he's not

#2 Make sure your antennas are in good working order, and when they talk to you, LISTEN CLOSELY. Don't bypass any red flags or a rise of your antennas

#3 Don't center your life around this new friend. Fact of the matter is, he is just words on a screen. Keep up with friends in the real world

#4 If he tells you he loves you before meeting him face to face, don't believe him, they are only words to him; he doesn't feel them

#5. If he gives you a long sob story and always has a new crisis in his life. Run as fast as you can, and hide too. Would you truly want to live your life with one crisis after another?

#6. Before you go to IM's with a new friend, spend time in the chats with him and see how he interacts with other women, and continue to go to chats with him, even as the friendship progresses

#7. Stick pretty close to home. Someone who you could meet for lunch, think about it, could be up to as much as 3 hours away

#8. All players have a mean streak underneath all that mush. Given time it will surface and when it does, don't ignore it! Does he poof when you argue? Or when you're arguing, does he insist on staying on the puter when you try and phone. If you listen closely on the phone, you just may hear amusement in his voice!

#9. Seems that players move fast, quick with the: I love you's, this was meant to be, it is God's plan, you are my soul mate, we are building a foundation for our love, let's tear down walls and build bridges, etc. Face it, ladies, this happens only on rare occasions

With this machine in front of us all, there is a great opportunity to be extremely picky in our choices; we have the masses at our fingertips. Don't settle for someone just 'cause they give you the attention that we all crave. Be strong, ladies, and remember ... it is just another page in our history, just another mystery. As much as it hurts, don't let it eat you alive; for if you let it eat you up, the player has won.

Being women, we ARE the nurturing sex. It's our lot in life to accept the role as such. But the part of us which allows us to feel such tenderness toward others is also turning out to be our downfall. I suspect that many of the online Lotharios we're seeing, are the very same men who in real life struggle with such problems as impotency, insecurity, lack of real intimacy, and lack of confidence. We're enabling them to have a power over us that they wouldn't normally have in the Real World. To them, it's a heady feeling to discover that they're in control, perhaps for the first time in their lives. We need to learn somehow to separate in our minds, the reality from the romantic fantasy. Until we do, I fear the sad stories of broken dreams will go on and on. These are my feelings, and I hope I've added a bit of insight, albeit myopic.

I hope and pray that with your web site, women will learn that THEY ARE GOOD ENOUGH to be respected, to be loved and that they DESERVE the best. As women, we must empower ourselves and be AWARE that people online are not always what they appear to be. Offline, we must value ourselves enough to leave at the first sign of abuse, verbal as well as physical ... for if we do not ... we are telling the abuser that we will take it as long as they dish it out. I am sure there are some sincere men online and I do not mean to sound as if there are not, but if we look for relationships online we need to learn NOT to rush into anything or we become just another conquest with yet another battle scar on our hearts. If a man is sincere, he will take the time to get to know you. He will understand if you do not give out personal information right away. Would you respect someone who seemed "easy"? This isn't always 100% safe, but it does lessen the chance of getting hurt.

JP from the "GigglesfromJP" jokesletter

WARNING TO ALL: Today at work while on break, I overheard another man telling my hubby (we work for same company) that he rents computers and uses the screen names that are already in the computer from whomever had it before him in the chat rooms. This man was laughing and talking about the fun he was having acting like someone else. Then it struck me, that a lot of players could be doing this same thing.

[ Let's learn from this, friends. If you rent a computer, or trade your old computer in on a new one or etc., be sure to erase all screen names and personal info about yourself from it. The FB Staff ]

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