Down Up Stop Top ---- TOO MUCH OF THIS AND THAT--- 4 guys are driving cross-country together, one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, What the hell are you doing? The man from Idaho says, Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground-I'm sick of looking at them! A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks What are you doing that for? The Nebraskan replies, Man, we have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I'm sick of looking at them! Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out. ---BRANDI--- A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray.. God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto. Lotto night comes and she does not win. Brandi again prays...God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car. Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she Prays...Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself... Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket. ---HAM SANDWICH--- -This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father. The names have been changed to protect the dignity of the father-. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard, lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. Hold Johnny (our 6week-old son) while I get my sandwich, she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster.It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, Now you know why they call that mustard Poupon! ---THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN--- 1.-A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 2.-If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies & run over them with roller blades, they ignite. 3.-A 3-yr-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowd. 4.-If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear & a superman cape. But it is strong enough,if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 5.-You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. 6.-The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7.-When you hear the toilet flush & the words Uh-oh, it's already too late. 8.-Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke-lots of it. 9.-A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10.-Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four-yr-od. 11.-Play Dough & Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12.-Super glue is forever. 13.-No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water. 14.-Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15.-VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16.-Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17.-Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18.-You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19.-Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20.-The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time. 21.-The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22.-It will however make cats dizzy. 23.-Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. ---ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION...FDA WARNINGS--- Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. ---SUPER GRANNY, DEFENDER OF JUSTICE--- An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, -I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!- The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. TTTTTHHHHATTTTS ALL FOLKS!!!!
Press the down button on the scroller on your left to view more text. New chuckles are added regularly... with the newest on top so you do not have to review those you have already seen. Special Thanks to Cornia, Terry, and Linda for their contributions via email to this page! JUST 4 FUN! Just plain silly stuff. I am soooo easily amused!

---- TOO MUCH OF THIS AND THAT---

4 guys are driving cross-country together, one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, What the hell are you doing?

The man from Idaho says, Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground-I'm sick of looking at them!

A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks What are you doing that for? The Nebraskan replies,

Man, we have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I'm sick of looking at them!

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

---BRANDI---

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray.. God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.

Lotto night comes and she does not win.

Brandi again prays...God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car.

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.

Once again, she Prays...Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order

Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself...

Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket.

---HAM SANDWICH---

-This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father. The names have been changed to protect the dignity of the father-.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard, lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

Hold Johnny (our 6week-old son) while I get my sandwich, she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said,

Now you know why they call that mustard Poupon!

---THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN---

1.-A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2.-If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies & run over them with roller blades, they ignite.
3.-A 3-yr-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowd.
4.-If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear & a superman cape. But it is strong enough,if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5.-You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
6.-The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.-When you hear the toilet flush & the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
8.-Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke-lots of it.
9.-A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.-Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four-yr-od.
11.-Play Dough & Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12.-Super glue is forever.
13.-No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14.-Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.-VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.-Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.-Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.-You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19.-Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.-The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21.-The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.-It will however make cats dizzy.
23.-Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

---ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION...FDA WARNINGS---

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

---SUPER GRANNY, DEFENDER OF JUSTICE---

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, -I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!-

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

TTTTTHHHHATTTTS ALL FOLKS!!!!

JUST 4 FUN!