yeah..told you.. im bored with this layout.. already.. and i worked so hard.

.

.

.

i did yard work outside in the rain today.. put down bricks to fix the path to the front yard.. and i can start replacing the gardens that had to be removed..

who really gives a shit i dont..

i wnt to white marlin today with amanda.. i hung around rue for about an hour while she tried on 50 million different pairs of pants.. she was cold because she came in a skirt and decided to buy pants to wear.. heh.. i got some stuff too.. she picked out some underwear for me.

ate at outback with mom sarah and amanda.. and then we went and played at the arcade and pier for a while.. it was... good... nyeh..

still not warm enough for me to swim away.. but if i had a car i could be watching the sunrise on the beach before school.. hmph..

its weird when you find yourself refraining from saying things because you know people are reading what you write.. but you.. put it here for people to read didnt you?

sometimes i feel really twisted and torn.. i think i just make myself dislike .. because i .. damn those dot dot dots must be really annoying...

on the way to take amanda home.. i was sitting in the back with her.. and she started playing with my hair.. i "hate" when people play with my hair.. but i just let her.. and she was twisting the curls in the back around her fingers and just playing.. and it felt so good.. and i was thinking why dont i ever let people play with my hair.. and i just wanted to curl up in a ball in her arms and fall asleep while she played with my hair.. i remember how my mom used to play with my hair.. and i was tyring so hard to just think... anyway somehow i came to the conclusion that i dont want people to love me.. or at least i dont want to love people.. like.. how i felt.. how open and wanting i felt when she grazed my curls.. thats .. a weakness. i guess.. and when you open up.. you let in a lot.. a lot of bad..... i dont want to love her.. or anyone else.. because it means.. well you know what it means..... trust is an issue.. and i dont want people to love me.. because i just hurt them when they expect me to love them back.. and i dont.. so any little flaw is an excuse to just cut myself off from anyone... but some of the things are real.. and i think i know amandas not like the rest.. though shes not like lindsay .. she is in the sense that shes not trying to use the world.. she really does care.. and she deserves to be cared about.

.

.

.

hmph.. im a weirdo.

enough of that for a night.. i want to do yoga.. and go to sleep.. but i doubt i will... no.. i will.

goodnight.

.

sayonara, aishiteru.

.

look at the stars..
look how they shine for you...