Defintions Of The Differences Between Men & Women:

Wants And Needs (wontz and nedz) n.
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

Glass Ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing cricket without a cup.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Grunt.

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married, have a meaningful relasionship, and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Making Love (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men usually call boinking, but have to call "making love" in order to get women to boink.

Remote Control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

Taste (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

Seminars for Men:
Once again the female staff will be offering courses for men of all marital status. Please note the names of the courses have changed.
ATTENDANCE IN AT LEAST TEN OF THE FOLLOWING COURSES IS MANDATORY.
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. PMS - Learning to Keep Your Mouth Shut.
4. How To Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas - Give Us Money!
6. Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming In At 4 A.M.
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly Called Don't Wash My Silk!)
8. Parenting - It Doesn't End With Conception!
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like A Fool When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right!
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You - The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. How To Stay Awake After Sex
16. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom
17. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
18. #101 - You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You REALLY TRY
19. #102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take A Shower!
20. How To Put The Toilet Seat Down (Formerly Called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
21. "THE WEEKEND" And "SPORTS" Are Not Synonymous
22. Give Me A Break - Why We Think Your Excuses Are Hogwash
23. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
24. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
25. Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex
26. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
27. Mothers-in-Law: They Are People, Too
28. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
29. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
30. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When You Are Naked!
31. Male Bonding - Leaving Your Friends At Home
32. Changing Your Underwear - It REALLY Works
33. The Attainable Goal - Omitting %*&^ From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is NOT Necessary
PLEASE REGISTER IMMEDIATELY AS COURSES ARE IN GREAT DEMAND!

If Men Got Pregnant:
* Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
* There would be a cure for stretch marks.
* Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
* All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
* Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
* Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
* They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
* Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
* Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
* Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
* Staying in bed during the entire pregnancy would be the norm.
* Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
* Women would rule the world.

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly:
(Note: These aren't all male jokes, but funny anyway. ~ Editors.)

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better in your dresses than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK-47
Ugly: You didn't give him anything for Christmas