Three men were walking along the ocean. They come across a mermaid stranded on the sand. "If you help me back into the water, I'll grant you each one wish." she said. After they helped her back into the water, she turned to the first man and asked him his wish. "I wish to be the smartest guy here!" he said. "Okay," she said, and POOF, he was the smartest guy there. She turned to the second man and asked him his wish. Not to be outdone, he said: "I wish to be the smartest guy in the world!" "Okay," she said, and POOF, he was the smartest guy in the world. The mermaid turned to the third guy and asked him his wish. He though for a moment, and said: "I wish to be ten times as smart as the second guy!" "Are you sure that's what you want?" she asked. "Yes," he replied. "Okay." she said, and POOF, he was a woman.

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

A professor invented a lie-detecting chair. Whenever anyone sitting on the chair told a lie, the chair would dump the liar on the floor. He called two of his students in for an experiment, a man and a woman. He called the woman in first, and asked her to tell him about herself. "Well," she began, "I think that you're the best teacher I've ever had." The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After she stormed out, he called in the man. The professor then asked him to tell him about his life. "Well." he began, "I think-" the next thing that he knew, he was sitting on the floor.

A man I knew once lived on a farm. I decided to go visit him one day. When I got there, he was standing absolutely still, out in the middle of the cow paddock. When I asked him what he was doing, he told me he was trying to win a Nobel Peace Prize. "Did you know," he said, "all the newspaper says you have to do is be outstanding in your field?!"

A man goes to get his hair cut. The barber cuts for about 30 minutes, hands the man a mirror and asked him how he liked it. "It's OK," the man said, "but could you make it a little longer in the back?"

A man was bragging about his knowledge of the state capitals. "Go ahead," he told his buddies in the bar, "ask me, I know 'em all!" "Okay," a woman sitting nearby said, "What's the capital of Wisconsin?" "Oh, that one's easy," the man scoffed, "The capital of Wisconsin is W!"

Did you hear about the male college student that went to the library and checked out a book called "How To Hug"? He got back to the dorm and found out that it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.

Two men in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Man #1: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"
Man #2: "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, it's starting to rain and the top is down!"

A man was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, he said to himself "Oh, well!" turned around and drove home. On his way home, he drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS EIGHT MILES". By the time he drove eight miles, he had cleaned 43 restrooms.

A policeman pulled a man over after he'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you're going?"
Man: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad, because everyone's leaving."

A man sees a freight train coming, and, not to be outraced, speeded up to beat it across the tracks. The investigator at the scene of the accident wrote on his report: "Some idiot, racing to beat the train, died when he hit the caboose."

Two men were walking through the woods when one looked down and said:
"Oh, look at the deer tracks."
The other man looks down and says: "Those aren't deer tracks, they're wolf tracks!"
The first man, unwilling to admit he might be wrong, said: "No. Those are DEER tracks!"
They were still arguing half an hour later when they were both killed by a train.

Santa, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb man and a smart man are walking down the street. They spot a $10 bill lying on the sidewalk. Who picks it up? None of them, three don't exist and the dumb man thought it was a gum wrapper.
(Or:)
Santa, the Easter Bunny, a smart guy and a normal guy are walking down the street when they see a $10 bill. Who picks it up? The normal guy. Lucky for him, his friends don't exist!

How can you tell if a man's been using the computer? There's white-out on the screen. How can you tell if another man's been using the computer? There's writing on the white-out. Why do men use white-out on their computer screens? They can't find their erasers. What's the difference between a man and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once. How can you tell if a fax has been sent from a man? There's a stamp on it.

A young couple goes to a doctor to see if there is any medical reason for his decreased sex drive that has kept them celibate recently. After tests, the doctor tells them that everything is perfectly normal.He tells them that people married for as long as them typically just get bored, and they need to think of some creative ways to spice it up in the bedroom. On her next visit to the mall, the wife recalls what the doctor said and goes into Victoria's Secret, and buys a pair of crotchless underware. She puts them on when she gets home, and waits in the bedroom for her husband to arrive. When her husband comes into the bedroom, she points at herself and asks, "Do you want some of this?" "No way!" He replies, "Look what it did to those panties!"

A man and a woman decide to go sky-diving. The woman jumps out of the plane first, and pulls the rip-cord. Nothing happens, so she pulls the emergency cord - still nothing happens. The man jumps out of the plane and yells, "Oh, so you want to race, huh?"

A guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He was advancing toward her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time, buddy. She's a lesbian." The man, undaunted, goes over to her anyway and says, "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"

A man appeared at the Pearly Gates seeking admission. Saint Peter said that there was a test that had to be passed before continuing to paradise, and the test consisted of three questions.
The man, thinking it a small price to pay, said "Okay, go ahead and ask."
"For the first question," said St. Peter, "tell me which two days of the week begin with the letter T."
"That's easy," answered the man, "Today and Tomorrow."
"Hmmmm," said St. Peter, "I can't argue with that. Now for the second question: Tell me how many seconds there are in a year."
"There are twelve," responded the candidate.
"Twelve?!" exclaimed the saint. "How do you figure that?"
"Well, there's January second, February second, March second, ect."
"Okay," mused the angel. "For the third and final question, tell me God's first name."
"God's first name is Andy."
"Oh? What makes say that?" asked Saint Peter.
And the man replied, "It's all right there in the song." With that, he begins singing the hymn 'In The Garden'.
"And He walks with me, And He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own..."