During the last three years my family has seen a lot of "coincidences" surrounding our baby's birth and death. We can think they are just an "ironic" happening... or we can think a bit further & wonder "COULD IT BE"? For me, these coincidences have come so often & with such fierceness... they are becoming to much for me to ignore. In my heart... I *know* there is MORE to this picture than what meets the eye. I'm unsure as to where to start with this... there have been SO many incidences. I'll start with the first one that comes to mind.

#1. Memorial day... 1996. (apx 30 days before Taylor was conceived)
My friend & I were at the cemetery and as we walked from our families graves we talked. Two things I said have come back to us both: "If I ever lost a child, I would want a marker just like this one" And, "If I ever lost a child, I would have to have another. Not to replace my baby, but to share my love with another little one- to experience the JOY again"

¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸This is the *exact* style I plan to order. & we are adopting a child:)

#2. (Entry in my journal) Sept. 10, 1996 ~ End of week #9
Well I'm 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow. One week till I'm suppose to start my pre-natal visits. I don't even want to start. I'm not sure why~ maybe just because I'll have to face the facts. I want to want... but am so very afraid to want, love and then loose. God knows this little one is so un-expected, but God also knows that I love my babies more than life itself. My babies~ big or little... they are my world. And no matter how another one comes to us... by planning or not, they're so wanted and loved. Our baby is in God's hands~ it's all up to him.

¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸Did I somehow KNOW?

#3. April 10, 1997 (Taylor's day of birth) As I spoke to Dr. Wall & the other Drs. & nurses, I told them "I will never understand WHY God would do this to us? WHY God would take OUR son? The ONLY thing I can think of, is that somewhere out there... there is another child that needs us MORE. Taylor wanted & needed *nothing*. He had it *all*. He had LOVE, he had *everything* a child could ever need or want."

¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸ We became foster parents on the 5th month anniversary of Taylor's death & began adoption plans before that:)

#4. May 1997...An incident with Timmy (33 months old at the time)
He was sitting at the dining room table eating breakfast when he began pointing out the deck door & repeating "Baby Tayo! Baby Tayo!" This went on for quite some time & it was scaring me. I was worried that his little mind was not excepting Taylor's death & then I doubted *my* mind (I called my MIL & she stayed on the phone with me) Timothy became frustrated when I couldn't see what he was talking about. He said "Right dare! Moon see it- dog see it- RIGHT DARE!" He pulled his a chair over to the doors, put his booster on the chair to get higher! Eventually he wanted out on the deck where he climbed on a deck chair and continued pointing & saying "Baby Tayo!" When I made him come inside, I felt terrible. What must my little boy think? I am making him come in out of the rain and he thinks I'm leaving his baby brother out there:(
A couple of hours later Kurt's sister came to visit & without a word, Timothy lead her to the deck door & showed her. Over the months he went to the doors onme more time & said "Baby Tayo!"- after this he *never* brought Taylor's "visits" up again.

¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸ Was this grief or is it possible? I'll never know, but I can HOPE:)

#5. July 1997... Filling out a birthday card for Kurt's mom
(As I spoke to Dr. Wall & the other hospital staff the day Taylor died, I told them "At least I can look at Timmy's pictures as he grows & *know* this is how Taylor would look" because they were carbon copies of one another. From size/shape/looks to having CHD- Even *I* would have a difficult time) On this day in July, I was at my roll top desk- filling out my MIL's birthday card (knowing it was not going to get to her on time) I couldn't concentrate. There was a stack of pictures I had on the desk... Timmy as a baby. One particular picture kept drawing my attention. I couldn't stop wondering & glancing at it! I was very drawn to this picture & eventually picked it up & wondered how close to that picture Taylor would be. The date put Timothy at 105 days old (being a driven bereaved mom- I counted) from Taylor's date of birth to the that day *105* DAYS!!!! I burst into tears and called Mandy (my daughter & one of my *best* friends:)

¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸ Did *someone* lead me to this picture?

    

#6. July 1997... After speeking with many people in our town, we decided to call the attorney they had all gone with to adopt their children. This woman is VERY well thought of around the US & is FOR THE CHILDREN & birth moms as well as the perspective adoptive parents:) It was SO soon after Taylor's death & I didn't want her to think as so many others thought... we wanted to "replace" our baby. I was VERY nervous & emotional as we spoke. I told her about our loss & that I understood most will not place a child with a family until two years after loss. She assured me they did NOT have this policy & went on to tell me that she too had lost a child to CHD... & has another child with CHD! This was the glue that bonded me to this attorney! I had not known this & it floored me to hear that we had this commonality!

¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸ Coincident?

#7. About a year after Taylor left us
Timothy was jumping & laughing as he played one day & one of us asked him what he was doing. He said he was splashing in the puddles like Taylor!

¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸ ?

#8. Summer 1999... The "Weeping Birch"
Before I was even released from the hospital after loosing Taylor, Kurt bought a tree (red Hawthorn) to have planted at the cemetery. This was planted shortly after Taylor's burial & is quite near to his grave. In time, we saw the tree was not doing well & the woman that cares for the cemetery suggested she pick up another tree to replace it. I was very sad about it:( She suggested a few different types of trees that she felt were much better suited for our wet climate. She suggested a Red Maple or a "Weeping Birch". This stopped me dead in my tracks & I said "THAT'S the one I want"! I had never heard of a "Weeping Birch" tree. I asked her if she realized... she seemed confused & I pointed at my parents marker & in big Letters it reads: "BIRCH". That is my birth name! It's the *perfect* tree & stands for more than most will EVER know.

¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸ Coincidence? I AM A WEEPING BIRCH!

#9. Fall of 1999
After sending my cousins daughter my e-mail address, her mother contacted me from her e-mail at work. I've not seen Georgette for about 20 years & hadn't heard from her since she & my cousin divorced YEARS ago. She had read her daughters letter where I talked about adopting. They *live* in Tampa... RIGHT where our attorney is! I never mentione WHO our attorney is & she sent this e-mail:

So you will be coming to Florida to pick up your new little one I hear. May I ask what Adoption agency you used? I worked for a law firm downtown here, that had a lawyer who did nothing but that and I was just wondering if it were her. She actually got so busy she opened her own office! Jeanne XXXX? I would love to be able to see you when you get into town. Please let Peggy know for sure OK?

¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸ This *IS* our attorney! Georgette use to work for the SAME law firm!

#10. Nov. 8 2000... After having an extreemely bad couple of days- crying & so sad over my loss' (holidays are coming) & the 16 month wait for another baby through adoption... I asked God to PLEASE just give me a sign that it *will* happen. Something to hold onto. Just a sign that it will happen.

The very next morning, I went into a thrift store & there was a pretty little hand made baby quilt. They only had a $3.00 tag on it so I took it off the hanger & looked it all over to be sure it didn't have a tear or something (for only THREE bucks?) I looked it over carefully & it is *brand new* (never washed)! One side has baby booties, rattles etc.- pink, lavendar & ruffles:) A bit of pink lace goes around the entire quilt on that side. I then turned it over thinking the "goof up" MUST be on the other side... but, the center of the other side is white flannel, pink surrounds the white & a very pretty flower flannel around the outer 4". And, right in the CENTER of the WHITE is a BIG "K" It is appliqued right in the middle! I couldn't believe it! A big "K"... could it be for Kianna"????

¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸ Could this be the sign I asked for?

#11. In September of 2000 we had a "failed placement" of a baby girl due in Nov. I had spoken with the bmom & really liked her. She was drawn to our family because she knew we had a heart child & had lost one... she had a 8 month old being monitored for murmur- AND, she fell in *love* with the name "Kianna" as she read it in our profile. It seemed so perfect at the time. We were absolutely devestated when we learned she decided to parent:( We understood her choice, yet had SO hoped this was our baby. We ALL (but for "Mr. Optomistic"- Kurt) began to feel it was just not ever going to ever happen:(

¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸ February 6, 2002 we received this message at the end of an email from our adoption attorney's office: "Because of your involvement with "S", I thought you should know that her baby ended up having a heart problem and died at 7 months. God was watching over you. We just didn't know it at the time!"

¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸ You can imagine the SHOCK- as our attorney called with *exactly* the situation I had prayed for!

#13. For years I have grieved my last birth- WHY would God give me that lasting impression? WHY would my family be left with this heartache as our lasting memory?

¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸ I was blessed with being invited to participate in the birth of my new daughters! HER BIRTH is now my "lasting" experience... the one I think of as I reflect back today. I was an active participant in her coming into this world! I gave Kianna her first bottle & helped to cut her cord- I held her first! Her first mom had a horrific time but she looked up at me and said "How do you like your new daughter?" As I left the hospital with Kianna 48 hours later... hospital staff insisted on wheeling us out in a wheelchair- it felt so *real*! I was really a NEW MOM!

¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸ Feb. 10, 2006. I just got a new puppy! Libby arrived on 2/8/06 & I took her to the Vet today..... the vet checked her over & told me she is perfectly healthy BUT, she has a HEART DEFECT that he will check n our next visit! He explained that it is "nothing to be concerned about" etc., I just looked at him and said: "I have heard THAT before!" He said Libby has a PDA & it will likely close on it's own as she was only 8 weeks old.

Shortly after we lost Taylor- Kasey bought this little scroll for me at a yard sale. It has several verses from the Bible. You could turn the scroll to choose the one for display... many times while dusting, I would consider turning this scroll... but I held out hope for understanding all this one day. For 4 years it was set to display:

Romans 8:28

Next to this perfect *beautiful* child- finding *peace* in all of this has been my greatest gift!

Another Memorial for Taylor Thank you Karen!

HOME PoetryPhoto's Thoughts Remembering Taylor Webrings & Awards Adopt... *US*? YES! More Angel Pages Feb. 14, 2000 CHD Awareness page!

A SPECIAL THANK YOU to Melissa for the beautiful "Taylor made" graphics

And A SPECIAL THANK YOU to "mcbabe" for the perfect music!

My Favorite Links My Brother Timmy's site