Part 1

There was a painful silence in the office.

For what seemed like forever to him, Angel just stared at the space Buffy had occupied before she walked out. His emotions were like a whirlwind and they were threatening to overcome him. He could feel his resolve crumbling now that she was gone. He still felt numb all over. This time, however, it was from all the mixed emotions stirring inside him.

Angel took in a deep breath that he didn’t need any more. After a few more minutes he stood up and slowly walked around his desk and collapsed into his chair. He was oblivious to his surroundings as his mind was lost in recent memories. Without much effort, his mind flashed back to his brief time as a mortal.

Angel closed his eyes as he remembered feeling human. The joy he felt at hearing his heart beat and the pleasure of feeling his pulse… it had been amazing. He recalled the thrill of standing in the direct rays of the sun, without the fear of being burnt to a cinder. The warmth of his skin in the sunlight had been shocking and yet comforting at the same time. And then, the overwhelming surprise of seeing his reflection… after over two centuries of staring into nothing… it had held him in thrall. He had felt like a real person then.

Rather than like a freak of nature. It all had brought home the fact he was alive. Even the intricate taste of food had made him giddy as well. He found that chocolate in particular had been wonderful. He had enjoyed feeding Buffy Cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip ice cream while she had fed him chocolate bars dipped in peanut butter. They had done so… while in his bed.

Buffy…Buffy and I…

(It's only when I lose myself in someone else / That I find myself / I find myself)

Angel could recall how different it had felt making love to Buffy as a mortal. Without the fear of losing his soul. Without the fear of releasing his inner demon, Angelus. Without the bloodlust that beckoned for her sweet, hot blood. Without the feel of his cold skin to remind him of what he had become over two hundred and forty four years ago.

They had shared something new. It had been a rediscovery. They had seen a world of possibilities.

He had liked the simple joy of being just a man.

I was alive. I was mortal.

(Something beautiful is happening inside for me / Something sensual, it's full of fire and mystery / I feel hypnotized / I feel paralyzed / I have found heaven)

Angel could recall her gentle touches and her soft caresses. He had treasured her tender and passionate kisses. He remembered how his warm skin had felt against hers. Remembered the pleasure of feeling himself express the love he had for her… within her. There had been a fire between them that they had never felt or known before. It had been very different from the first time they made love.

There had been no fear.

Only love.

And need. Their desperate need for each other.

Their passion had remained dormant since the night of Buffy’s seventeenth birthday over two years ago. In between that night and the night Angel left Sunnydale, they had tried to have a normal relationship. They had tried to be just friends. They had tried to ignore their need for each other. Tried to ignore the passion.

But it didn’t work.

Angel could fool Buffy, but he couldn’t fool himself. He wanted her and needed her like nothing else in his unnatural life. It didn’t make it any easier that he knew she felt the same. And it didn’t make it easier that he knew they couldn’t have a future together. Buffy deserved more than he could ever give her. Which is why Angel had decided to leave Sunnydale.

Maybe… if we are apart…long enough… we can forget.

Angel remembered telling himself that the night he walked away from her without saying goodbye.

Yet… all it took to re-ignite their passion was one touch.

He remembered sitting in his kitchen talking with Buffy. He had been suggesting that they not rush into anything. He had been convincing her and himself that they should wait. To see if he was truly mortal. To make sure he didn’t have any loopholes again. To protect her and himself from further harm. Neither of them wanted to relive the past. They had agreed to wait and she was to leave. Then it happened.

The touch of their hands.

All the sexual tension that had existed between them for so long was set free.

He was grateful now that they had shared those few moments together.

In those moments their love had been everything he had ever dared to dream it to be. Once more he had found a sense of heaven within her arms. After two centuries… he had forgotten his past and lived in the moment. He had been at peace with his heart and mind. He had envisioned giving her the life he thought she should have… with him. He had seen himself living out the rest of his mortal days with her. He had liked the idea that they would one day grow old and die together.

Yet… it was not meant to be.

Their destinies, though intertwined, were not meant for each other.

The day that was taken from them proved that.

As much as I hate to admit it… it can never be. What we want… it can’t work. We aren’t meant for each other. We belong to the world… now more than ever.

Angel finally stood up and walked toward the elevator that led to his downstairs apartment. He ignored the broken clock, the fallen blinds, and the shattered glass that littered the floor of his office. In a daze he stepped into the elevator and pulled the gate shut. He pressed the down button and waited.

(There's a thousand reasons / Why I shouldn't spend my time with you / For every reason not to be here / I can think of two / To keep me hanging on / Feeling nothing's wrong / Inside your heaven)

Now that things were the same… there were too many reasons why he shouldn’t be with her.

For one… I’m still a vampire. Cursed with a soul and a true happiness clause. And she’s still the Slayer.

He could never be with her in the way they both wanted. He couldn’t give her the things that she deserved. He remembered telling her as much more than once. He did so when they were tracking the Mohra demon the first time around. They had gotten into another argument.

Just like old times…

That’s when he had found out that she was moving on with her life. That she had found someone who could give her what he couldn’t. Angel remembered getting a glimpse of the man while in Sunnydale. Willow had been there, at the café, and had filled him in on who Buffy had been talking to. The guy was attending Buffy’s college. The guy’s name was… Riley… something.

Angel remembered feeling heartbroken about it.

Moron.

I was the one who broke up with her. I was the one who told her to move on. Why would I expect her not to? She deserves a real life…not mine. My life…

It made him cringe. He was the one being on this earth that could do the most damage to her. Angelus, his inner demon, had proved that time and time again. He could recall that long ago night when his soul was restored to him for the second time. He remembered the disoriented feeling. His soul had been in another place, unaware of what Angelus had said or done. He had woken up in his body to see Buffy holding a sword above him. His last memories at that point were of the night they had passionately made love…after which he could recall stumbling out into the rainy night… and that had been all he could remember.

As she had stared at him, he had called out her name. She had backed away in fear. He hadn’t understood it. Why would she be afraid of him? He had asked her what had happened. She didn’t tell him. She had kissed him and told him she loved him and to close his eyes. He had obeyed her in his confusion. It was only when Buffy had pierced him with her sword did all the memories return. At first he had felt betrayed. Then all the things Angelus had done, while in control of his body, were made known to him.

Every horrifying detail.

Acathla had swallowed him into a vortex and then he had spent five hundred years in a torturous Hell…

Angel shook his head to clear himself of that thought. He wanted desperately to forget that place. He opened the elevator gate and stepped into his apartment. It was dark and quiet and empty.

Empty… just the way I feel.

He slowly went to his closet and got out of his clothes and into something more comfortable. A pair of dark gray sweatpants and a black tank top. Out of habit he slowly walked over to his bed feeling the urge to crash. At first sight he froze in his tracks. Angel just stood there staring at his bed.

The bed he had made love to Buffy in.

He couldn’t move.

Buffy…

(It's only when I lose myself in someone else / That I find myself / I find myself)

Every fiber of his being was on fire with the memory.

The memory of her in his arms.

The memory of their happiness.

He tried to put it behind him, but he couldn’t. They had held everything they ever wanted. They had found each other after being apart for so long. He had given her every happy moment that he had wanted to since they first met. They had realized how much and how badly they still loved and needed each other.

(I can feel the emptiness inside me / Fade and disappear / There's a feeling of contentment / Now that you are here / I feel satisfied / I belong inside / Your velvet heaven)

While in her arms Angel had felt the way he had always wanted too. The way he dreamed of feeling. The way he would have liked to have lived… rather to have become what he was now.

Darla changed that… back in Galway.

She had lured him into her arms with promises to show him the world. He had wanted to escape his small town of Galway. He had wanted to make his life worth something.

Only he hadn’t known it would cost him his soul.

She sired me then…and I hate her for it.

Though certainly not at the time. I had loved her then. As much as a demon could love. She had been my companion. My mentor. My lover.

His thoughts retraced the last two and a half centuries.

The years his inner demon had controlled his body. The years that Angelus had become known as The Scourge of Europe. The years that he had been feared even among his own kind. During that time Angelus had had a talent for pain and cruelty that was unrivaled. Darla had been very proud of him.

Yet… what horrifies me the most? I had done it all with a song in my heart.

Angelus had taken pleasure in it.

For all the evil things I’ve done over the years… am I really making a difference now? Will I ever know redemption? Or better yet… do I deserve it?

Angel couldn’t forgive himself. He didn’t think he was supposed to. He walked away from his bed and wandered into his living room still lost in thought.

After all… why would the gypsies have even bothered to curse me if I wasn’t meant to suffer for what I’ve done? They could’ve easily had just driven a stake through my heart. It could’ve ended then.

After that fateful night in 1898, he had tried to wander the earth alone and secluded to punish himself for what he had done. For nearly a hundred years he avoided humanity and other vampires. The only company he had kept was with alley rats and the memories of his evil deeds.

But a demon named Whistler had changed everything. Whistler had given him a purpose. Shown him a way of life that he never thought he could have. It was Whistler who had shown him the young Slayer. Angel had promised to help her. And in the long run… maybe help himself at the same time by making amends for his past. Though he tried not to, he fell in love with her. He loved her from the very first moment he saw her. Despite everything screaming in his head to walk away, he had wanted to be with her. Instead of listening to his head… he had followed his heart.

Buffy Summers was the one person who forgave him for his past. She understood what his life was like. She understood his loneliness and despair. Her life as a Slayer was in some ways similar to his. To his surprise she loved him in return. She wanted to be with him.

But it all went horribly wrong. As much love as there was between them there was just as much pain. When she had given him a moment of true happiness he had become her worst enemy. He had done things to her for which he still could not forgive himself for committing. Even if it had been his inner demon that did the damage. The damage had still been done to her.

And he would never forgive himself for that.

What difference does it make? Whether I’m a vampire or a mortal man, I can’t be with Buffy. I just have to accept that. No matter what I feel… I can’t have her… either way. It’s not fair… for her.

The day that was stolen from them had proven that to him. Whether he lived as a mortal or as a vampire, Angel could never be together with Buffy. It just didn’t work. They were each destined to be warriors. The dangers to either of them, and the people they were meant to protect, were too great to compromise. They could only ever be friends… even if they wanted to be more. Fate had decided on that.

Angel could feel his frustration and anger rise from within him. He hated knowing that he couldn’t have the one thing he wanted most in his unnatural life. He couldn’t stop loving her. He hated knowing that he couldn’t let go. Even though he wanted nothing more than to do so… he couldn’t.

Even though it hurt… so much. Especially now that he’d had a taste of what his life could have been like… with her. It hurt even more.

That’s when he let his emotions out.

The moment he couldn’t hold them back any longer.