April 2003 - In The Pink
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30 April 2003 - Have A Cigar

- I am laughing so hard now I'm almost in tears. I was reading through some very old journal entries this evening and stumbled upon something that tickled me. "I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of was (said in an Arnold Schwarzeneger accent) - 'I have supa-blockbusta-colon! Get out!!!'" For those of you who used to hang out at Mep House, I hope that gives you a good laugh. It did for me.
- Parents came to Brandeis today to pick up a bunch of my stuff. Pretty much all thats left in here are some clothes, books, my laptop, and my sheets. Weird to see this place so empty again, and weird to think I've got about 72 hours left till I leave the Brandeis campus and become a college junior.

29 April 2003 - Young Lust...

- ...leads them south, I have discovered this evening. Such is life. Almost makes it that much easier cause it's just so crazy. But Jeff, I wouldn't be lasting tonight if it hadn't been for you. I almost lost it right then, but I didn't. You always make me feel like more of a person than I'm sometimes able to on my own, and I doubt I'll ever be able to repay you for all the times you've been there in that sense. So thanks. I'll sleep a little easier tonight knowing someone cares, and even easier cause its you. I'm going to miss you. But I'm happy for you that things seem to be going your way, and I hope they only go further up from here.

28 April 2003 - Shine on You Crazy Diamond

- Damn! Someone at Cornell has quite the ego! Today my interesting search if you will, "hate losing to glunt and berkowitz" from google.com. My my my! Lol...
- Clarifying: I don't know what you or you are thinking. But I just wanted to say - I'm harmless. I promise. It's just the way I am. I'm not trying to do anything. Don't worry, please. And don't weird vibe.
- Current Music: Razed in Black - "Oh My Goth," Crystal Method - "Trip Like I Do," Depeche Mode - "Enjoy The Silence"

27 April 2003 - Run Like Hell

- Okay, Brian's ex girlfriend - I'm talking to you. Stop reading my webpage. You're crazy. So stop.
- Current Music: K's Choice - "Not An Addict" (really really good song)
- I can check one thing off my list...done with my Costa Rica power point presentation. Next up - sculpture.
- And a congrats is due to soon to be published author, Storey Clayton! Way to go! :)

26 April 2003 - Nobody Home

- ...Yeah, so I've been a crapass about updates. Sorry about that. Give me credit for what is now the year and a half of dailies. Also I got a little wonderfully noncryptic for a day or two there. Forgive me. So anyway, I'm back at Brandeis. The rest of break was uneventful. I worked a shitload, didn't do enough schoolwork, but didn't go out cause no one was home, so I pretty much sat around and did nothing. Yeeha. So now that I'm here, I just feel kind of weird and numb. Things are closing down much too fast. I have too much work to do, not enough time to see people and say my goodbyes, and everything is just flying by me. I can't believe I'm moving down to DC in less than 3 weeks. I can't believe what I'm going to be DOING there. Me, employed, walking around the capitol. It hasn't even sunk in yet. As for school work, I'm stressing a little because I just really can't believe that I'm choosing my major soon, and deciding things that are going to affect my future education, and my future in general, and that soon more and more decisions will come, and I'll eventually reach that point in life where everything I do will change something about the way I live. Thats crazy. And finally, conversations with Mike shed some light on my feelings about relationships and stuff. I'm still feeling pretty shitty. I have so many emotions to sort out with that. Anger, betrayal, sympathy, worry, affection, lust, lonliness, and so much more. And I guess I'm just going to have to sort those out. Because as I remembered when talking to Mike, as much as I try to make it seem so, this isn't a unique situation - I've been through it before. Sure things have changed and the relationship may have been different - but the healing is the same. The sitting back and saying, "Maybe all that will heal these wounds is time" and believing it to end your struggle --- that I have done before. And I can do it again. And the fact that its damn hard, and maybe because of a few things harder than its been before - but the process is the same. So I embark - for the 80th time. I know someone out there is probably even laughing at this, because I feel like I've given myself this pep talk a million times in the past nearly 3 months now, and probably a million times before that too. But its something I have to keep doing to keep my spirits up, so stop laughing whoever you are. The last thing with that, is I'm torn between the issue of whether or not to say goodbye. I feel like it'll hurt like hell, but I also feel like I might hate myself if I never do, and then never see him again. But Linda told me something tonight that made a lot of sense. Granted she was stoned at the time, but in any case, she said "You're more likely to feel regret at the things that you didn't do than the things you did." And that makes sense for me. Cause if you never do something you'll always wonder if you should have. But if you do something and its wrong, you just say, "Hey I made a mistake, shit happens." And you go on with your life. Anyway, its madd late as I write this in my journal (to be typed in the online one tomorrow) and I know I've got shitloads of work and other things to do tomorrow, so I'll be sleeping now. I leave you with this --- "The only thing that matters is just following your heart, and eventually you'll finally get it right." - the ataris --- Good night all...

23 April 2003 - The Thin Ice

- FUCKING A. I just finished writing all my updates for the past few days, and I hit the stupid touchpad with my sleeve and it hit refresh and everything disappeared. Stupid laptop. ARG. As soon as I get back to Brandeis and get my mouse I'm disabling that fucking thing. Whatever. The short of it is I've been working a lot at the doctors office, I hung out with Mike, that was good, I got a little more school work done today, I miss Paul, hate Paul, and feel bad for Paul all at the same time. The long of it was a lot better than that, but I'm too fucking frustrated to write it now. Gonna go eat something junky.
- OH! And I got a raise. At least there's something to be happy about today.

20 April 2003 - Time

- Stuff to do with the quickly disappearing time: japan paper (20 pages, i have 8 done,) philosophy paper (6-8 pages, i have 0 done,) spanish author essay (4 pages, i have 0 done,) sor juana movie essay (2 pages, i have 0 done,) costa rica presentation (10 minutes, i have 0 planned,) & sculpture (i am about 1/3 done.) I'd say I have my work pretty well cut out for me. Oh, and by the way, I'm working 8 to 5 every day this coming week.
- Congratulations to Google! They have finally made this page the first search result for my name. I've been waiting for this to happen, but now that it has, it just kind of makes me a little more aware of the scary side of "the power of the internet." Its one thing for all ya'll who are my friends to see this, but its another entirely for strangers & enemies to view. In a similar vein, I hope that though debate is over for the season, I've provided entertaining enough content (& personality) for all you debaters and soon to be grads to stay interested in what I have to say. I'm thinking now about whether or not to create another journal page just for DC internship commentary this summer. I expect working on the hill will provide me with plenty of fodder for political musings and pursuits. & I might want to divorce all that from the life commentary. Then again sometimes my lifes a little dull, and thats sure to spice it up. :-) Anyway, I'll keep thinking. Hope everyone's breaks are going well.
- Except yours.
- Current Music: Frida soundtrack ..... I'm out back sitting on my deck painting, its a beautiful day - sunny and 65, Frida just seemed apropro.
- Fun times at the diner. I miss a little Annie in my life. Often. Randomness and fun always seem to be abundant. PS -- Want an explanation? Probably not, but here it is anyway: can't kiss Dan b/c find Dan cute. Therefore, must resort to 13 year old girl tendencies instead, and blush & try to lose the attention.

19 April 2003 - Speak To Me

- You all must see "Def Jam Poetry" on Broadway. Right now. Get up, out of your chair, get in a car, plane, or train. Get your ass to NY and see that show. It will change you.

18 April 2003 - Bring the Boys Back Home

Happy Birthday Lydia!

- Or just to New York, where I happened to run into Bobby while I was waiting to see Rent! Which, speaking of, WAS SOOO GOOD! Last time I saw it I was like 14 and too young to get it or appreciate it. But this time I understood everything and it made the message that much more powerful and impactful. (sidenote: dude who plays roger is fucking hot.) So then a tasty Puerto Rican meal. Which reminds me I have an essay on Ana Maria Matute to write, and a Costa Rica presentation to design. And not to mention philosophy and Japanese history papers to write, and a sculpture to finish. Busy break.
- I was happy to hear today that someone said they get all kinds of good music from my recommendations here and in profile. Good stuff - I love to be an agent of expanding musical tastes.
- Adding Friendlys and 3 hours of game cube does nothing to hasten my work pace, but it sure is fun!
- Easter break brings all kind of fun and randomness home.

17 April 2003 - Yet Another Movie

- Seder...part 2. Plus Ali, minus extended fam. Plus talmudic & current relevant events discourse. Blah, I am tired, and I already broke the passover tonight at Applebees. What a bad Jew I am.

16 April 2003 - Mother

- ...it's so nice just to see your face. I love my family, they are the bomb. Rachel might want a spouse who loves garlic (& you can't go wrong there) but I want one who loves their family as much as I do, and who understands just how amazingly important having family in one's life can be. PS, I'm actually having a good passover this year. Normally its not one of my favorite holidays, but I am enjoying visiting around the table, and the discourse that it brings.
- I had a stomach attack tonight. Not a really serious one (there was no fainting) but a fair amount of pain. Last time I had one of those you know who was there to take care of me? {{Sigh.}} To lead me to bed, wipe the sweat off my soaking forehead, and stroke my hair till I could fall asleep... {{Sigh.}} I might have escaped from Brandeis, but still finding some other escapes difficult.

15 April 2003 - Don't Leave Me Now

- Sorry Brandeis, but I gotta go. Its about time I get out of here for a week. Go home, see family, make a little bit of $ at old job, relax(!), be somewhere I can do some work, and try to clear my mind of it's demons. Yes, I am definitely looking forward to going home.

14 April 2003 - Signs of Life

- It is finally beginning to warm up again. I'm glad, I am getting so tired of this shitty weather. Its ridiculous. Aaanyway. Went into Boston/Cambridge with Ali today which was fun. I hope she's been having a good time. We had a good talk over dinner, about stuff I needed to talk about. And it was nice that she was willing to listen to me.
- I'm really glad that break starts after class tomorrow. I'm looking forward to getting the hell out of here for awhile. Not that I haven't been having fun at Brandeis - I absolutely have. I just need to get away for a bit to clear my mind of some things that seem to be chilling there lately.
- Just as an amusing sidenote, someone was led to my webpage today by typing into Google "Novii + crack." I think thats very funny.

13 April 2003 - One of My Turns

- To judge! I get to judge outrounds! Yay. Thanks to Greg - I'm glad he has confidence enough in me to allow me to judge. Only other undergrads are jeff & kevin. So thats cool.
- Not as cool. Being the squirrel (thats the term right?) on your quarters panel. Dino dino dino dino, Beth. Blah. At least they all said that it was a close decision. JCT said he had my back on my decision if anyone talked crap about the sophmore on the panel being the only outcast vote.
- What a phenomenal final round. That was really just excellently debated, fun to judge, and interesting to think about. I'm impressed - as it should be.
- Good team dinner. Fun times with Rebecca, Susan, Brian, Sami, Justin, Adam, & Zimmy. Different than last team dinner, but fun nonetheless.
- Fun times at the pseudo-mep-house. Minus Russ and the actual house. But really fun - I've missed doing that and seeing them. A lot.

12 April 2003 - Welcome to the Machine

- Been having fun jugding today. Good rounds and all, for the most part. But I'm beginning to realize (that I guess this is especially true at nats) that judging is way harder than anyone ever gives it credit for being. And that making decisions can sometimes be really difficult.
- Yay! Ali is here! I hope she is able to have a good time.
- Ugh. Banquet is starting in half an hour and "plan wear senior year prom dress" is clearly not happening. It doesn't fit anymore. That's really quite depressing. I haven't been as faithful about going to the gym the past few weeks, ever since I had to move my car to X-lot, cause it means getting up sooo much earlier in order to walk there. And it means walking back. Blah. Our campus is one giant hill, which after working out for an hour probably isn't too fun to walk up.
- Good times at the banquet, sad times too. Going to have to say goodbye to some people who I'm sad to see go.

11 April 2003 - The Dogs of War

- Nats is starting today and I have much to do. Life is craaaazy.
- So plan "show apda kids there are other sides to beth" turned out to be quite fun. My original plan was plan "wear new shirt you haven't busted out yet" but I got to kill two birds with one stone. So our party at the hotel was kind of lame, and cause for some reason I wasn't really in schmoozing mode, I wasn't really having that much fun. So I went to Sandhya's going away party. And I stayed for a bit, but she and most other people there were pretty fucked up. Which sometimes (most times) is just fine with me. But I guess after already having spent about 10 hours with debaters, my tolerance was low. So when the opportunity arose to take Caitlyn over to the Mod, I volunteered. That? Was dumb. I don't know why I did that to myself. Either way, after that little errand I decided I didn't want to go back into Kosta's house and to tell Sandhya I said goodbye. I'm going to miss her. Even though it wasn't like we hung out on a daily basis, I felt to a certain degree that if I needed her I could call on her, and also that whenever we did hang out we were sure to have a good time. I love me my sandhya. So after that I went back to the hotel to see what was going on. And while I really wanted to be hanging out one place I ended up hanging out someplace else. And now its 4am and I just got back a bit ago, and I have to get breakfast in 4 hours, so sleep it is.

10 April 2003 - In The Flesh

- You said I'm gonna buy this place and burn it down
I'm gonna put it six feet underground
I'm gonna buy this place and watch it fall
Stand here beside me baby in the crumbling walls
Oh I'm gonna buy this place and start a fire
Stand here until I fill all your hearts desire
Because I'm gonna buy this place and see it burn
And do back the things it did to you in return

You said I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
Oh and I'm gonna buy this place is what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head

Honey, all the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I've made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They say start as you need to go on
Start as you need to go on

Said I'm gonna buy this place and see it go
Stand here beside me baby, watch the orange glow
Some'll laugh and some just sit and cry
You just sit down there and you wonder why

So I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
I'm gonna buy this place is what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head
Oh to the head

Honey, all the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I've made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They say start as you need to go on
As you need to go on
As you need to go on

So meet me by the bridge
Meet me by the lane
When am I gonna see that pretty face again
Oh meet me on the road
Meet me where I said
Blame it all upon a rush of blood to the head

- Current Music: Coldplay - "A Rush of Blood to the Head" (song, not album)
- Oh, and PS, yay for nats.

9 April 2003 - Comfortably Numb

- I think God loves the ironies of timing more than anything else.
- Both of you in one day?! Who am I, JESUS??
- Whatever its cool. Life is okay. It really is.
- Plaster is such a fun toy! My next sculpture is going to be sweet. I've been looking forward to this project all semester. It's so made for me - he's begging for intricacies - my favorite thing to do. Fun. And guess what else? I GOT INTO MY OIL PAINTING CLASS NEXT SEMESTER!! YAY!! Okay, sorry about that craziness...I'm just quite excited. Other possible classes for next semester: "Dante's Divine Comedy," "Global Prospects of the American Democratic Model," "Latin American Politics I," and "The Rise & Fall of the Ottoman Empire." Should be a cool semester. Alright. So much shit to do with Nats bearing down upon me and the end-of-semester-crunch crunching steadily.
- Once again, the people in my building are really cool. Its a shame I waited this long to hang out with them. Silly neglect. But now I'm tired as crap and its almost two, so its Bethy bed time.

8 April 2003 - Breathe
Happy Birthday Annie

- I can't. I was doing so well. I guess its just talking about all the things that you say are fine brings them back to the surface and thats what makes them not. Like as long as I don't think about them, its all good. But tonight I talked about them, and now I can't seem to stop thinking about them. From one I feel totally estranged. I'm sorry that I can only express my emotions through anger, and that I've been a bitch to you. Its just I'm really feeling badly, and I can't seem to get it out any other way. From another one I feel a huge sense of guilt. Guilt that I've let us drift apart, guilt that I have to do what I'm going to have to do when nationals is over. Guilt that things might not ever be the way they were freshman year again. From another one I feel nothing but sadness. I wish that I could forget, that I didn't want to know what was going on, but I can't forget, and I do want to know. But every word is another little shard of glass embedded in my heart, that is already breaking from the strain of this separation. My life is hard right now. And yet for weeks and weeks I have managed to ignore that. To throw myself into debate, and schoolwork, and exercise, and personal pursuit of knowledge. But as much as those things are beneficial to me and to my mind, they are at best superficial when they are used as a distraction. I really thought that this happiness I've had all year has been real. But I begin to doubt that it could be real when I can still have moments like this from time to time. Moments when all I've suppressed comes rushing back to the surface, and all I can do is cry and try to breathe. But then my problem becomes, how can I conquer this sadness if not through distraction? I don't really believe in the school of thought that says the answer is to talk it out. There comes a point where you've talked something to death and it still is no different, nor does it make you feel better. Sometimes talking can help, but as an overarching solution I find it ultimately fails. So if I can't supress but I can't discuss either, than where does that leave me? Somewhere. Maybe the answer is in finding the distinction between supression and distraction. That distraction perhaps allows some room within it for healing. Maybe these moments of pain are moments of healing. Because its probable that the way I'm going to end this anyway is to say, "Look. With the one, you'll work things out, just as soon as you calm down and figure it out. With the next, you'll do what you have to do and thats just how life goes sometimes. And with the last, well, sometimes things don't work out how you wish they could, and thats a part of life too." And then I'll say, "So just look - look at all the other good you have in your life. You've got shit balanced pretty well, you have a wonderful family, good friends, a fun weekend on the way, a great opportunity for fun, success, and learning coming this summer, and so much more." And then I'll resolve that despite all the pain I'm feeling, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. That even though right now the darkness may seem excruciating, just concentrate on that little dot of gray, and it will grow and grow. And I guess thats just how life goes...

7 April 2003 - Money

- If I had a dollar for every time Alan says he's having a hell week, and another dollar for every time Andy tries to be deep - I'd be rich. Unfortunately theres no "Beth's-friends-are-predictable" god in the sky handing out money, and as such, I am poor at the moment. Plus the damn debate team owes me 100 some odd dollars.
- Current Music: Guster - "Parachute," Beck - "O Maria," Ani DiFranco - "Pixie," K's Choice - "Not an Addict," Bif Naked - "Lucky," and Garbage - "#1 Crush."
- UGH! Now I really hate Angel. I can't believe he did that. What a bastard. Anyways, almost done with paper, gonna finish up tomorrow morning. And why the hell is it snowing here? Better not still be snowing on Thursday.
- Haven't cried in a while. Sometimes you just gotta. And I had this dream...
- Current Music: Mazy Star - "Fade into You"

6 April 2003 - Brain Damage

- Day of study. My brain may be fried by 10 o'clock tonight. Check back for updates. I have a 10-15 page paper due for Japanese History on tuesday and I've gotta go to the library today to research and then I've got to write. Its actually a very cool paper, though. My prof gave us a really broad topic - "To what extent is 1945 a break in Japanese history?" and he wants us to use that as a framing question and then chose one specific area or subject to examine about the occupation and after. I'm going to write about all the new rights that were given to Japanese women in the new constitution, but how in reality these rights were almost purely on paper, and didn't actually begin to benefit women for many years. I think thats a good issue to show the change (or lack thereof) in Japan after the war. Fun times. So off to shower and then library it up.
- But quickly, Current Music: Liz Phair - "Whitechocolatespaceegg," Madonna - "Fever," Radiohead - "Nice Dream," Rob Zombie - "More Human Than Human," Ani DiFranco - "The Whole Night," Coldpay - "Amsterdam." This is what my playlist gave me on random so far this morning.
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