Why must it be me?

Author: the Phoenix
Pairings: You'll find out
Content: Shonen Ai, angst...lot's of angst

IMPORTANT: Hi everyone, I am the Phoenix, pleased to meetcha! This fanfic is based on an event that is actually happening to me…the conversations are, in fact, real, and the letter is real. This fanfiction IS what happened to me, in almost every detail, my thoughts, my feelings, my actions, my responses. The emotion you will see is real, not something written, but human, alive, and scary. It is written in the first person, and I am speaking through Matt's persona. Please remember that this actually happened to me, and I am being very open about this. All names/chat handles have been changed to protect the people who actually take part. Any comments, hell, even flames, are welcome, I can handle anything if I can handle this.

WARNING: This story contains shonen ai (male/male) relationships and LOTS of angst…not for the faint of heart…you have been warned.

Dedication: This story is dedicated to all Taito/Yamachi fans, please don't hurt me…too badly…

Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon, or any other characters from any TV shows, movies, etc. following this disclaimer. I don't own ICQ or AOL IM either. Eclipse is found on the "Dark Side of the Moon" album, (by Pink Floyd, song #9) and was written by Roger Waters. Please, don't sue =)

Notes: This story takes place sometime during 02. This fanfiction assumes that Tai and Matt are both homosexuals, and semi "out of the closet" (meaning a few select people). Tai and Matt (of course) know that each other is gay, and have been speaking to each other about it for over a month now. Matt has fallen in love with Tai, and has told Tai of his feelings just the week before. Does Tai accept?

Please read the important/warning sections before proceeding further, thank you.

---Why must it be me?---
* * - places where an unimportant word(s) or phrase(s) have been removed
[ ] - places where words have been added to make the fic work

Today was supposed to be a great day. The person who means the world to me should be online, so I can talk to him after such a long time not speaking to him, a whole day! I wonder what Tai's doing about now? It's been such a long while since we talked last! Look! There he is! I quickly type in my message to him, my heart is racing, wow, I really must be excited if a small thing like this can get me so happy! But I have to leave soon, so I can only tell him that

Ishida42: hey beautiful =) 'Fraid I'm not gonna be home until later tonight =*( I just got on to tell you not to expect me until like 6:30 or so tonight. I sorry
TaiIsKing: hey
TaiIsKing: dude, don't worry, i'll ttyl, ta ta
TaiIsKing: tis okie
TaiIsKing: it is imperative that I talk to you though so don't forget

Imperative?! In that case, I need to talk to him for a while longer… "Mom? Is it okay if I stay home just until you get back from the store?" Please let her say yes, pleasepleaseplease!
"Sure! I guess so."
"YES!" alright then, time to respond…ICQ isn't good enough, so I'll use AIM now…
…signing on…
TaiIsKing: This is better
*
TaiIsKing: Let's talk here, okay?
Ishida42: What happened?
TaiIsKing: um, well this guy I've been telling u about
Ishida42: Gene?
TaiIsKing: yeah
Ishida42: Should I sit down =)
TaiIsKing: naw
TaiIsKing: your prolly sitting down already
Ishida42: hehe, nope, on my knees, chair is taken in the other room
TaiIsKing: oh ha ha
Ishida42: So, what's up w/Gene?
TaiIsKing: well i went to his house last night
Ishida42: I shouldn't be worried, should i?
TaiIsKing: i dunno
TaiIsKing: except i'm starting to really like him

Like him? After all I said? [All we've been through together?] Lets wait and see what happens, maybe its not so bad? Yeah, that's got to be it!

*
Ishida42: Oh...so I should be getting worried...I see
TaiIsKing: maybe
TaiIsKing: oh and he has a jacuzzi
TaiIsKing: and it was cold last night
Ishida42: I do too, haha =)
TaiIsKing: u do? wowo
TaiIsKing: now i have to friends w/jacuzzis, but do u have a pool?
*
Ishida42: No pool
TaiIsKing: oh h aha well he has a pool
TaiIsKing: but it was cold last night

Oh god…I can see where this is going

Ishida42: I think I get the picture
TaiIsKing: not really
TaiIsKing: or maybe
TaiIsKing: up i have a lapcat
Ishida42: Crazy kitty =)
TaiIsKing: ha ha but neway
TaiIsKing: well it was me him and this girl
Ishida42: I'm "listening" =)
TaiIsKing: and there was a lot of playing
TaiIsKing: and flirting and touching
TaiIsKing: but nothing more

Oh my god…is this happening? No, he didn'y say that, but look…he did! Why is he doing this?! Doesn't he know how much I…I love him? (Tears are welling up in my eyes as I struggle to regain any self-control I can get. Any composure I can retain would help too, all I need do, is answer…)

Ishida42: I guess it's no biggie
Ishida42: Thanks for telling me =) I appreciate that you can trust me with so much!

Am I f---ing crazy?! I just told him that I feel just fine and dandy that he doesn't love me! All I told him, its coming to nothng in front of my very eyes, and all I can say is "I guess that's no biggie"?! Dammit, I need to think this through, I just, I…oh god, why now?

TaiIsKing: sure i guess
Ishida42: I just don't know what to feel right now...I have to go, I'll be back later, if you have anything to tell me, ICQ/E-Mail me, or I'll be on later around 6 or so…

TaiIsKing bye

(I sign off of AIM, and go to sit down on my bed, better yet, I go get my chair back from the other room and I sit down to play a game, anything to get my mind off of him… By the time I'm done, its 4 in the afternoon, and I decide I'm ready to speak to Tai again)

Ishida42: ;-)
Ishida42: Hey =)
TaiIsKing: hi
TaiIsKing: it's only 4
TaiIsKing: what [you] on different time now? ;)
Ishida42: I decided that it was more worth it to stay home =P
TaiIsKing: oh ok
Ishida42: So, whats up?
TaiIsKing: nothing much im talking to gene
Ishida42: I'll refrain from commenting
TaiIsKing: ok
TaiIsKing: i'm sorry
TaiIsKing: i know this is hurting u

Tai, my love, you don't know the half of it…I wish I'd have spoken to you sooner! But I always thought that you might return the feeling, I thought that you did, just by the way we always talked with each other and everything like that. [You promised that you'd never leave me…did I take it too far?] Please, Tai, do you not realize what this is doing to me? No, you don't, do you?

Ishida42: i've had worse...I think
TaiIsKing: no prolly not
TaiIsKing: i'm really
TaiIsKing: sorry
TaiIsKing: i don't like hurting people at all

Then why does it come so easily?

Ishida42: No, I've had worse, beleive you me =)
TaiIsKing: yeah prolly
TaiIsKing: i'm sorry
Ishida42: Stop with the I'm sorry's, I've had enough of people geeling sorry for me. My best friend is sorry for me, my other friends feel sorry for me, I'm sick and tired of people feeling f---ing sorry for me...
TaiIsKing: GOOD
TaiIsKing: I'M GLAD
TaiIsKing: i'm not f---ing sorry ;)
*
Ishida42: I guess this means I'll still be single for a while yet =P
TaiIsKing: i'm sorry
TaiIsKing: i hope i was never leading u on or nething of the sort

My love, are you serious?! With all that talk of wanting to see me so badly and everything, wanting to walk in the park - just us two! - and have that lunch together…talking to me for hours on end, we had so much fun! I was looking at it too deeply…it's my fault for fooling myself…Haha, he never felt anything toward me, I was so blind! I wove a net and got myself caught in it…Hahaha! What a moron, what an idiot, I was so stupid.

Ishida42: I don't think you were leading me on...I think it's my fault, I was looking toward too much
TaiIsKing: oh no
TaiIsKing: it wasn't your fault

It wasn't? Tell me how I'm wrong then damn it!

Ishida42: Yeah, it is...I was expecting too much, that's my problem
TaiIsKing: i'm sorry
Ishida42: Damn it Tai, you're a great person and I love you...I know for a fact that you'd never EVER do anything to hurt anyone if you could help it. This whole thing is MY fault. Mine for expecting too much, mine for lying to myself, mine for not thinking about ALL possibilities before just jumping in...so please, PLEASE, stop being sorry?

(I can feel the anger surging its way throughout my body, forcing its way through my veins like the very life blood which shares the paths)

TaiIsKing: u need to stew for a bit
TaiIsKing: then u'll taste better

I know it's a joke, and you're trying to cheer me up after shattering my heart into a thousand fragments…

Ishida42: Stop teasing me =P
TaiIsKing: ha ha
TaiIsKing: O:-)
Ishida42: =*)
TaiIsKing: oh no
TaiIsKing: don't cry

Oh my god, are you serious, Tai?! After what you did to me, is it not a wonder that we're still talking? Maybe I still have somewhat of a chance, no? There I go fooling myself again…let's just see where this goes…(the tears which have welled up are beginning to flow freely now. The taste is a salty kind of sweet on my lips, an interesting combiation, but fitting for the situation)

Ishida42: I'll try, but no promises =P
TaiIsKing: oh no
Ishida42: I think I'll live =)
TaiIsKing: good
TaiIsKing: i still want to meet u though
Ishida42: Nothing will keep me from going this coming Saturday
TaiIsKing: good
Ishida42: Actually, it'll probably go almost as I'd expected it to go =)
TaiIsKing: and that is how?

By me breaking down as soon as I meet you and running away so I never have to face you again…I am a coward…

Ishida42: Almost perfectly, hehe, thats all I'll say...only thing that will be different is that I won't be coming home having made a boyfriend =D
TaiIsKing: i know
Ishida42: I just listened to this song like 20 times in a row
TaiIsKing: ha ha
Ishida42: It's so awesome...get it on MP3 or something
ECLIPSE
---Lyrics by Roger Waters

All that you touch,
And all that you see,
All that you taste,
All you feel,

And all that you love,
And all that you hate,
All you distrust,
All you save,

And all that you give,
And all that you deal,
And all that you buy,
Beg, borrow or steal,

And all you create,
And all you destroy,
And all that you do,
And all that you say,

And all that you eat,
And everyone you meet,
And all that you slight,
And everyone you fight,

All that is now,
And all that is gone,
And all that's to come,
And everything under the sun is in tune,
But the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

TaiIsKing: wow, is it what u just sent me?
Ishida42: Yeah
Ishida42: "Eclipse" by Pink Floyd
TaiIsKing: oh wow
Ishida42: I'm still listening to it, hehe, I put it on loop =)
TaiIsKing: oh ok
TaiIsKing: well at least it is making u happy

Happy?!

Ishida42: What happy? I was loop listening to it for the past hour or so...so that makes about 40 times considering its just over a minute long
TaiIsKing: oh ok
Ishida42: hehe =D
TaiIsKing: aren't u happy now, and i don't get it actually

Do you really think its so easy to find out that your world has just been shattered? You said it so bluntly! I think I'm still in shock by the news! How can you think that I can forget you so easily, [Tai]?
Ishida42: No reason to be happier now than I was say 2 hours ago...nothing productive happened between now and then

That was an understatement

TaiIsKing: i mean but isn't the song making u happy?

Wow, you didn't read the lyrics…

Ishida42: Nah...it's actually a kinda depressing song, but it's such an awesome song!
Ishida42: S'okay tho
TaiIsKing: now i think u should sit down
Ishida42: uh-oh
Ishida42: Why do I not like this...
TaiIsKing: gene asked me out
Ishida42: ......
TaiIsKing: i know
Ishida42: all I can say is I hope you'll be happy =D
TaiIsKing: i'm sorry this time i mean it and it is the last time

Well then……it was all an act, I thought you loved me, or at least liked me the tiniest bit! I loved you, I still love you, I can't stop thinking about you, you're in my thoughts constantly. Who was it that said that good guys finish last? He must've been a psychic, or someone who could predict the future, a prophet of some sort, because obviously it was meant to be around just so I could hear it., just so it could tear my world apart at the foundation. Why can it not be me! What have I done to life that it treats me so unjustly! Is just being alive a severe sin on my part! I'm nice, I never do anything to offend anyone, I put others needs before my own, I place friends and family above me, I am humble, I am chivalrous! So why must it be me who is forced to suffer, rather than ones who do harm unto others? AM I ALIVE SOLELY TO BE PUNISHED FOR THE WRONG DOINGS OF OTHERS?! (I can hardly control my thoughts anymore…I need to vent my frustrations to someone. I turn to the last place I can turn to…I write a letter to Sora…)

Sora,
I hate burdening other people with my problems, but I'm just in a crap mood right now. I may see you * before you read this, so you can pay it no mind if we meet! I may have told you that I'd found someone, Tai, and he means the world to me. We were going to meet * Saturday, but I found out something today that literally tore me in two. He's fallen in love (or at least "really likes" as per his quote), so to put it simply: I'm heartbroken...I fell in love with him, Sora, and I fell hard, he knew it(when I told him, that is), and we were going to meet and take a walk through a park, have lunch together(possibly, dinner possibly as well) and everything this next weekend. I'm so lost now that I can't find that one spot I've circled around 20 times by now, just thinking about him hurts...As I'm writing this letter, I am speaking to him, this other person has just asked him out, and I'm praying that he'll say no, I feel like such a terrible person, I didn't think myself capable of such hatred and jealousy, but there it is, clear as the sun in a cloudless sky...I know that this is probably making you feel like you're watching some kind of melodrama, but real life is always that much scarier. Sorry once again for burdening you wth something that you really shouldn't be burdened with, but I've nowhere left to turn.

--Matt

(Why don't I send this to [Tai] as well? I'm too chicken to tell him on my own, so I'll see what this does…)
Ishida42: Would you mind if I sent you something?
Ishida42: It's a letter i'm writing to [Sora]...I'm too chicken to just be out with it =(
TaiIsKing: um ok
Ishida42: haha, =)
TaiIsKing: well wehre is it?
Ishida42: Still being written, hold yer horses =P
TaiIsKing: oh i see
TaiIsKing: ok
Ishida42: Title: "Lend me your shoulder"
Ishida42: Just had to close the letter up right
TaiIsKing: oh ok
Ishida42: I'm gonna go ...just cuz I don't wanna see your reaction yet
Ishida42: be back in like 30 minutes

God, I'm such a coward, maybe I deserve all of this…

---37 minutes pass--

Ishida42: *sneaks in quietly*
TaiIsKing: hi
TaiIsKing: um how was i supposed to get the letter?
Ishida42: e-mail
TaiIsKing: oh right whoops
TaiIsKing: i haven't read it yet

So much for being ready

TaiIsKing: i'll read it now

---silence ensues as Tai reads the letter---
TaiIsKing: omg
TaiIsKing: i had no idea u felt that way
TaiIsKing: but oh god
TaiIsKing: oh no
TaiIsKing: what have i done?
TaiIsKing: i've been so selfish
TaiIsKing: not thinking about u

So, you've finally realized that, huh? I hope you feel bad, you deserve it after all you've done! Oh god, I can't believe this…these feelings, they're not me, they're someone else. God Tai, I wish you could just hold me…I need someone to hold me…I wanted you to be my first kiss, but now, that's just like me thinking you'd be mine, a shattered hope.

Ishida42: Haha, I just feel bad cuz I was too chicken to tell you directly how I felt

No, that's not all…why can't I speak up?

TaiIsKing: oh
TaiIsKing: oh god
Ishida42: and I'll tell you now that you were never under any obligation or anything to return the feeling

That's not the truth…

TaiIsKing: oh god
Ishida42: It also continues to amaze me how I'm getting a "B" in english
TaiIsKing: omg i think i'm gona cry
Ishida42: No! i didn't mean for it to be that strong =(

Or did I? I'm so confused, what am I after? What am I after!

TaiIsKing: and god and u and *
TaiIsKing: and i'm sad
Ishida42: I'm so sorry...I'm being an even bigger burden than I thought...I'm so sorry......
TaiIsKing: no i'ts oh god
Ishida42: I'm so sorry...f---I feel bad =*(

I've really done it this time, haven't I?

TaiIsKing: no it's not just u
Ishida42: Are you okay?
TaiIsKing: yeah yeah
Ishida42: You sure?
TaiIsKing: i should be asking how u r
Ishida42: Me? My world's gone to hell, anything is better, things can't get much worse (yeah they can actually, stupid Murphey's Law) =D
TaiIsKing: i'm sorry
Ishida42: ......
TaiIsKing: i know i know
Ishida42: good
TaiIsKing: k
Ishida42: I want to hear Soras reaction, but she prolly hasn't read my e-mail yet =(
Ishida42: Actually, I'll rid you of me by going for a while...I'll ba back later if you want
Ishida42: send an ICQ so I know, k?

---an hour and 24 minutes pass---

Ishida42: *sneaks in quietly*
TaiIsKing: hi
Ishida42: ;-)
Ishida42: I had a pep talk with Sora
*
TaiIsKing: oh i see
TaiIsKing: and what did she say?
Ishida42: Basically? "There will always be someone else, but theres a someone else for you too"
TaiIsKing: ok
TaiIsKing: well that's good
TaiIsKing: but she prolly thinks i'm just an ass
Ishida42: Remember the letter? I explained all I could about you then...it still holds, and anything she has to say about you can be settled out by me
TaiIsKing: really? she doesn't think i'm jsut one big mother f---ing a-----e?
Ishida42: She'd better not!
TaiIsKing: oh good
Ishida42: I wouldn't let her =)

But that's how I feel, why shouldn't she feel the same?

TaiIsKing: ok
TaiIsKing: well thank u
TaiIsKing: but u don't owe me that

No, I owe you much worse than that, for all you've done to me! But I can't bring myself to say anything…

Ishida42: I won't let her think false things about you...you're one of the greatest people I've ever met, its just that I can't be selfish and keep you for myself ;-)
TaiIsKing: oh god
TaiIsKing: and now i might be going to my friend's sis's bat mitzvah to talk to this girl who is obsessed w/me again
TaiIsKing: and maybe gene will be there
Ishida42: ......
TaiIsKing: i know

No! You don't know! If you knew you wouldn't keep killing me this way!

TaiIsKing: i did it again
TaiIsKing: i'm sorry
Ishida42: no, it's just that I have nothing to say
TaiIsKing: i'm sorry again
Ishida42: So...you answered him yes right[, when he asked you out]?
TaiIsKing: yes
*
Ishida42: Look, I gotta go, I need to go to sleep and think about this now
[…now exiting AOL Instant Messenger]

That's it, I can't do this anymore, its too much for me to handle…I have to go to sleep, maybe I'll feel better in the morning, although I doubt it. (I shut off my computer and make ready for bed. Going to my bed, I pull off the comforter and shut off the lights, I'm asleep as my head hits the pillow. The next morning, I awake to find my pillow is soaked, I thought perhaps my pillow sprung a leak, as it's a chiropractic pillow designed to help me with my neck aches. Some of the water is on my lips…a salty kind of sweet…I don't have time to think it over right now, all I have to do is hide my pillow until it dries, but I'll know where it is. Before I leave my house, I put on my mask of illusions…now only I will know how much pain I'm going through, nobody else will be able to see through the illusion I have cast, and when I'm home, I have music to escape into. How did the lyrics run?
"And all that is now,
And all that is gone,
And all that's to come,
And everything under,
The sun is in tune,
But the Sun is eclipsed by the moon"

Those words have a new meaning to me now, for all that is now IS gone, and all that's to come has to be better than this, the sun of my world has been eclipsed by a person named Gene. Why must it be me? What did I do to be punished so? Whatever I did to deserve this…why must it be me?

Phoenix here…I'm sorry for writing this, it hurts me and it hurts "him" to see me like this, but it needed to be written. Any comments? Send them to me,
the Phoenix thanks in advance, flames will be kept to heart...

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